


A Hunter’s Prey

by Kites-Friend (VivaAlisa)



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Anime Spoilers, Blow Jobs, Child Loss, Complete, Cunnilingus, Drama, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Grief/Mourning, HunterxHunter spoilers, Infertility, Lots of Angst, Manga Spoilers, Nen (Hunter X Hunter), No Beta, Only mild Chrollo/reader, Possessive Behavior, Slow Burn, Smut, Stockholm Syndrome, Suicide Attempt, This is an Illumi Fic after all, Trauma, Unplanned Pregnancy, drugged drinks, like yikes, pregnancy loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:34:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 46
Words: 91,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24067429
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VivaAlisa/pseuds/Kites-Friend
Summary: You have awoken to a very strange situation. You’re chained to an unknown bed. You have no idea how you came to be where you are. It isn’t until you meet the person who kidnapped you that you realize how demented the world has become, and how your life will change because of it.
Relationships: Illumi Zoldyck/Reader, Kuroro Lucifer | Chrollo Lucifer/Reader
Comments: 405
Kudos: 946





	1. Hangovers and Blackouts

I woke up to an aching pound inside my head. Every moment seemed to be harmonized with the thud, thud of my head. If I hadn’t known any better, I would’ve thought that my head would’ve cracked open with ever pulse. It took awhile before I could even open my eyes. It didn’t really help that much. The room was dark. “I must’ve drunk way too much last night,” I mumbled to myself as I lifted to touch my head. 

In that instant, I realized how heavy my arm felt. It’s as if it gained a weight or two strapped tightly around it. My attention turned to my wrist. It didn’t have the bracelets that normally adorned my wrist during a night out. Instead, there was a dull grey shackle attached there. My thoughts sobered up really quickly. 

The room that I originally thought was in my apartment was not. It was dark. Almost too dark to see. My blanket stiff and without give. My other hand wasn’t chained. It was left the pull down the blanket. Attached to my feet were the same style shackles. I still had on the dress from last night, but it was cut in multiple places. I was cut in multiple places. 

What happened last night? My body groaned as I pulled myself up to a seated position. The chains were heavy. They tugged on my legs and arm almost too much. I tried to reach back into my memory to think of anything that could help. 

It all started at the party. My best friend dragged me to it. It was held by an friend of a friend. I knew I shouldn’t have gone but it was going to be such a wonderful night. Cheap drinks and hot guys would be flowing. I had only agreed to go as long as we would be home since I had work the next day. Work! “Shit” I groaned. I had to go to work. 

I pulled at my restraints again. Maybe this was a kinky thing the boy I danced with at the party liked. I called out a quick “hello? Anyone out there?” I could hear no response. “I had fun last night.” It was a lie. I couldn’t remember anything from last night past entering the building. “I really need to get going because I’m going to be late for work.” 

The silence was almost deafening. I didn’t feel like I was taken home for fun. I just aches with pain. “Hello?” I called out again into the void. My eyes adjusting to the dark. There was only a small window by the bed. It was a dark blue with purple mixed in. Sunrise was coming. Other than the bed, there wasn’t much to the room. I’d expect a dressed or even a mirror but there was nothing. 

“Hello?” I called once more. This time it was more of a shout. There was pain mixed with fear in my voice. This had to be a misunderstanding. I must’ve gotten drunk and came home with a guy who was a lot kinkier than I was. Or at least that’s what I wanted to believe. 

I didn’t know how long I sat on the bed waiting for someone to come back. Maybe there was a roommate to come help. A few more cries rang on deaf ears. Slowly, I realized the situation. My cries of help became more desperate. “Please, I want to go home now. I need to go home.” 

I repeated those words like a mantra for what I’d guess was an hour. It could’ve been only minutes for as much as I knew. My already strained voice becoming quieter. “Please. I want to go home.” The window finally gave a light orange illumination to the room. I pulled at my shackles over and over again. They weren’t budging. 

I was becoming tired again. Alcohol and lack of water was taking over. My headache became even more exhausting. I was about to give up when the door finally opened. The light was so bright that it was blinding. I had to shut my eyes so that it wouldn’t hurt. 

Once I opened them again, I saw a tall figure. His silhouette was all black. My hair so long that it reached to his knees. His eyes were the worst part. They were black like the rest of him. Soulless and hungry. His skin was pale. It was almost as if he’d never seen the sun. 

The whole appearance made me inch slowly back to the headboard of the bed. “Sir. I-I’m sorry to interrupt but I really need to get going. I don’t know if you’re a roommate or a friend but I really need to leave.” My unshackled hand reaching for the one that was. 

His head tilted slightly to the side like a confuse puppy. “Leave? You want to leave already? We’ve only gotten started.”


	2. You’re Mine

I felt dread sink deeply into my soul. This wasn’t the one night stand that I originally thought. It wasn’t even a drunken stupor where someone brought me back to make sure I was okay. This was intentional. His drive and determination was so apparent. 

This man must’ve felt my fear as I backed even more into the head board, while hoping that it would swallow me up. I felt a fear deep within my bones that made me shiver at the thought. My breath came raspy and strained. “Please sir,” I mumbled. “I need to leave. I-I have to go home. I can’t stay here. I need to go home.” 

There was a momentary pause between my pleas. The man walked closer. I finally could see his full appearance. He seemed more terrifying than before. His eyes. We’re more deadly and dark than before. They were all consuming. My breath caught in my throat. It was terrifying and dangerous. He was tall. A lot taller than I have seen. 

“Please don’t hurt me.” It was the only words that I could speak. I didn’t realize I was crying until tears ran down my chin. “I was to go home.” I sounded like a little girl that was pleading with her parent rather than a life or death situation.

“I can’t do that,” he said. “You can’t leave. Mother has made it very clear that once you’re here, you can’t leave.” He reaches out a hand and moved a piece of hair away from my face. 

I was too shocked to move. His hand was too close to my face. I closed my eyes in hopes that nothing else would happen or that this was all a terrible, terrible nightmare. “What do you mean that I can’t leave?” I asked. 

I couldn’t see his reaction. It took too long before he actually responded. It wasn’t until I opened my eyes that I was face to face with him. “It’s because you’re mine.” His voice was a soft whisper. 

“I can promise you that I am not,” I stated pulling away from his touch. It was almost like I could feel a black soul dragging me down into a pit of nothingness. “I-I’m not the person you want. I have no money. I can’t give you anything. I rent a cheap apartment in the worst section of the York New City. I doubt that I’m the person that you want.” I’d heard awhile back that making yourself seem human made the kidnapper less likely to kill you. 

“I know all of that Y/N” he said. My name startled me. It was too harsh on his lips. It was like it was spoken many times before. I have yet to hear it in such an ominous tone. “It’s the reason you’re mine.” 

He took a step back. I couldn’t tell if it was because I was pulling away so or if he had other intentions. “If you know my name then I must know yours.” I knew it was a hopeless plea for some type of humanity. He might not even have a name. 

“Illumi. My name is Illumi Zoldyck.” My heart dropped in my chest. Zoldyck. He was a part of the Zoldyck family. No wonder I am chained and restrained. My capture was an assassin. My life is in the hands of someone who murders for a living. 

I couldn’t catch my breath. Every gasp of air felt like nothing. I could hear the shakiness within it. It sounded more scared than I ever had in my life. My head pounded against my skull. Was I dying? What did he do to me? I pulled at my restraints again and again in a desperate plea for help. I pulled them so hard that my wrist started bleeding from the sharp edges of cut metal. They were so tight. Too tight. The air. It’s becoming all consuming. “I can’t breathe.” It was all that would come out. Breathless and terrified. 

“Don’t have a panic attack,” he said. “I’m not going to kill you.” I almost laughed at the thought. A murderer not killing me. I’m nothing to what he’s done. 

“I have so much life to live. I can’t spend it here. I have to go. Please let me go.” Fresh tears ran down my cheek. I couldn’t tell if I was screaming or whispering. My ears became deaf to the sounds made outside of my screaming head. “I don’t want to die.” 

Illumi’s face scrunched only a little bit. “I said I’m not going to kill you. I need you.” I couldn’t understand how he stayed so calm in this instant. He was just watching me. He watched my every moment like I was his prey. 

“Why am I here?” I cried. “If I’m not going to die than why I am I here?” I saw him smile. It couldn’t have been a smile. Maybe it was a smirk or something even more sinister. 

“You’re here because I chose you,” he pulled up a chair that was vaguely seen within the darkness. His frame still lingered over mine. “You’re to be mine.” 

Mine? What does mine mean? “What do you mean that I’m mine?” I mutter. “What are you going to do with me?” Again silence. I should’ve expected this from a trained murderer. A lot of silence, confusion, and secrets. 

“I’ll explain in due time. You have to wait.” His eyes never left my own. It was like he was studying me. He was staring into my soul; judging my every action like an executioner. “Would you like some water?”

His kindness was off putting. Why would he offer me water. Why did he want me? I had so many questions that I doubt would get answered any time soon. “Will you poison it?” 

Illumi didn’t respond. He stood up and walked out of the room. He left as silently as he came. I finally felt like I could catch my breath. My senses came back all at once: a dull throb from my head, burning pain from wrist, and ache from lost night. Something must’ve happened. I wouldn’t have gone with Illumi willingly. I wish I could remember.


	3. Illumi’s Visits Pt 1

Time seems meaningless when you’re chained to a bed. Minutes could be hours or vice versa. I find myself waiting patiently. Maybe patiently is not the correct term for how I am waiting. Stressfully, angrily, fearful were all better words to describe how I waited. It could’ve been days since I’ve arrived at this place. He did bring me water but I did not drink. Once he realized I had nothing else to say to him beyond cries of fear, he left me to watch the sun rise and set. 

Illumi only comes once a day to see me. That how I’ve been counting days. It’s been 6 visits. They were always in the morning. The sun had just risen so that the same purple-yellow hue hung in the room. Each time he has came has been as quick as the last. 

The second visit was short. He brought me some food. Illumi sat in the same chair that he did the first time. It was like he was studying me. He didn’t even say a word this time. He just listened to my cries of missing my life. It was a cry of my life finally changing. He let me scream at him until my throat was sore. I refused to eat any of the food. It was the same as the water from the day before. I wasn’t going to allow myself to die by his hand. 

The next visit has been the longest. He brought bandages, food, and a pitcher of water. My throat still hurt from the day before, and I had cried out all my tears. Illumi sat in the chair once more.

“Can I please leave?” I whispered. It was all I could muster. A small voice trapped by pain, exhaustion, and lack of basic needs. 

“You must drink,” Illumi stated. “It’s been too long since you’ve had water.” He takes the cup of water and puts it to my lips. I still refused to drink. It seemed that his normal expression seemed tired. Was it tired in general or tired of me?

Illumi took the cup and drank a small sip of water. “It is not poisonous. Please drink.” He held it back to me. I took the drink and finally gulped the water. It was like the most heavenly drink on the planet. I had almost forgotten the taste of water with this state. I finished the glass in record time. 

“Good,” Illumi muttered while reaching into his pocket. He pulled out a small pin. For a moment, I thought he was going to do unsavory things to me. He would kill me by a thousand pins in my body. He quickly stuck it into my arm. I went to pull away but he was much faster than I could ever be. Before I knew it, my arm was at my side, unable to move it. 

Illumi took my left arm into his hands. With quick work, unhinges the cuff. He started wrapping up my bloody wrist that had been bleeding on and off from the sharp edges of the cuff. I didn’t have time to pull away. His skin was softer than I originally imagined. An assassin should feel rough and corse. Illumi didn’t feel like that. It’s like he cared for his appearance as much as anyone. 

He put the cuff back onto my wrist and pulled the needle out. “Does it feel better?” He asked. It was a quiet question. I waited until I regained feeling in my arm before I responded. 

“Yes,” I stated. It did feel better but I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of knowing how much it felt better. The cuff wasn’t catching on my skin anymore. The hurt and scarring was replaced by a dull throb from blood pumping through my veins. 

Illumi held out his hand. It was like he was beckoning me to give my other wrist. My thoughts were caught between feeling the same relief for both wrist or giving into this monster. I didn’t have a choice as Illumi grabbed my wrist and pulled me over. It was forceful and a little painful. He did the exact same thing as before, put a pin in my arm, uncuffing my wrist, and wrapping my arm. 

“You should listen when spoken to,” he stated, finally finishing with the wrap. Again, it felt like a weight was lifted off my arm. “I wouldn’t want you to get hurt after all.” I met his gaze for a split second. It was almost like he had a feeling of concern written across his face. It couldn’t have been. He is emotionless. 

Illumi withdrew his needle and stood up. “Eat. I’m not going to force you today but you have to eat.” It was a command not a suggestion. I sighed while I watched him walk out of the room. I did actually eat the food that day. It was delicious. 

The third visit was the fastest one yet. He seemed busy. It was like I was an afterthought on a checklist of his life. Illumi brought me food then left. There was no communication. A simple translation of food for… What was the food a transaction for? I doubt that I wanted to know. 

The fourth visit makes my blood boil. Illumi was later than normal. The sun was already up when he walked into the room. He took his normal seat next to my bed. At this point I’d been trapped so long that I was losing track of days. I’d counted the cracks in the ceiling so many times that I’d memorized their locations. 

I was guessing that the boredom was a ploy to actually make him the brightness of my day. I refused to give him the satisfaction of knowing it was. “You seem to have enjoyed the food. I should tell the butlers to make more.” My face was glued to the door. I didn’t even look at him. 

“Have you been drinking the water?” Another question I refused to answer. 

There was a long pause before Illumi’s next words. “Would you like to get you a book?” He was baiting me. If I were to respond, he would still have control. I’m not insane as of yet. I still have time before I’ve actually accepted his help. 

I could tell my noncompliance was angering him. “You do realize that I could kill you in the moment and it would be nothing to me.” I couldn’t tell if it was a lie or if it was a threat. All I knew is that I was in control of the cat and mouse game was we’re playing. The more that I ignored him, the more that he revealed his true colors. 

It was a dark braiding sense of blue that swirled around the room. I could feel the anger emanating from his soul. “Don’t expect anything tomorrow if you do not talk.” His voice was even more terrifying than before. It was a small command rather than a statement. I wondered if this is what he normally was like on missions. No. He would never be this careless. 

Illumi didn’t raise a fuss when he left. It was a calm calculated movement. He put his hand under my chin and dragged my face to look at him. “You will talk to me.” It was the first time I saw his eyes today. They were as soulless as before. This time I felt dizzy. A blue hue danced around my vision. I felt compelled to speak. It was almost like a command that I couldn’t refuse. 

I did refuse. I stared back at him with refusal lingering in my heart and on my tongue. Once he realized I was not going to budge, he let go of my face. He picked up some of the old trays left over from food. Lastly, he picked up the tray of today’s food and walked out. For my noncompliance, I earned no food. 

The fifth visit was Illumi still stewing in the anger from before. He knew that I couldn’t go many days without food or water. I was like a dog that needed to be fed daily. He walked in with a purpose, dropped a piece of bread and a water bottle down, then left. It was all too fast to even try and say anything. He was gone in a swish of his long black hair that dangled far below. 

I felt compelled to say something. Anything. I wanted to apologize for yesterday. It was like the isolation and anxiety was getting to my head. If I had to stay with him then maybe I shouldn’t be so unforgiving. I shook away the thoughts my desperate mind craved and went back to counting the cracks in the walk while chewing on my old bread. 

The sixth visit was late at night. Illumi arrived while the sun was setting. He brought the same food as before: bread and water. This time he actually sat in the chair. I’d missed the absentminded squeak of the wood. It was almost calming. I took a sip from the bottle. “You’re later today.” 

If I’d surprised him with my voice, he didn’t react. “I had a mission,” Illumi said, holding out his hand. With the other one, he held bandages. It was time to replace the old ones. I set my hand in his. This time, he did not use a pin. I doubt I had the strength to fight back nor could I win. 

It was a quiet moment. There were so many quiet moments shared between us. I studied his face while he unlocked my chain. His face was soft and pale. It was like he’d never seen the sun or felt it’s warm glow. Instead, there was a hint of not being allowed to go. 

My studies only faltered when he reached a tender spot left by the cuffs constant push. It made me jump back in pain. A simple cry rang from my lips. While I tried to pull away, Illumi held on tighter. The last of the bloodied bandage fell to the covers of the bed. He replaced them quickly. The cooling pressure helped my hot wrist. It wasn’t until he put the cuff back on that I handed him the other side. 

“Thank you,” I said while he went back to his work. I realized that Illumi was not a man of his words. While he talked, it was only to appease others. At least that is what I know so far. I was his prisoner and he did not need to do this. 

“You should wash off the blood from before,” he stated matter-of-factory. “You could use the water for some. I will bring you more later.” 

“Would you be able to bring a book too?” I asked while the cuff was being put back on. I still couldn’t tell if the look he always gave me was one of curiosity or of cruel intentions. He nodded his head and left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I decided to break this part into two because it got sooooo long. Thank you for the support! If you like this, please Kudos or comment. It really means a lot.


	4. Shower Thoughts (Illumi's Visits Pt 2)

I’d been here a week at this point if my calculations were correct. I began getting sick of the way I felt. Before all this, I had taken pride in the way I looked; however, I now feel greasy and disgusting. I hadn’t had a shower or anything since arriving, not that I had anywhere to go. My body craved some sense of normality. 

Like the walls, I’d gotten used to some sensations. One of these was the sweat from waking up in the morning. While the house seemed cold, the blankets were too warm. This left me sweating during the morning and freezing by nighttime. Another sensation was the chafing of my dress. It’d been too long since I’d felt clean. 

I’d used the last of the water from yesterday to wash off any of the dried, caked blood from many many days before. I remember putting up a fight for my freedom but nothing after that. It only took a week for memories of that night to finally come to memory. I’d been drinking and dancing with my friends. It wasn’t until I met a man who bought my drink at the bar. 

He seemed almost normal from what I remember. The only thing out of place was a headband tied around his forehead. I remember him being attractive enough that I let him buy me that drink and get a dance. My friends were begging that I bring him home with me. I was having so much fun. I walked out to get some fresh air. That’s all I remembered. 

Illumi walked in while I was reading the book that happened to be on my nightstand this morning. It was one that I hadn’t read as of yet. It was called Stolen by Lucy Christopher. I hadn’t gotten that far when he interrupted me with a proposition. 

“I’m going to give you the opportunity to take a shower,” he stated while walking to the bed. “You must follow my orders.” He stood at the end of the bed instead of the head. “One: You must not fight against me. It will only lead to death. Two: you cannot run away. Milluki would gladly take you instead. Three: you will not have access to anything sharp. Lastly, I will be in the same room.” 

The last one caught my breath. I’d have to change in front of him. The real possibility of violation happening makes everything more stressful. “All of this for a shower?” I ask while Illumi reaches for my leg with a key. Instead of a response, he unlocked the chains on my legs. 

My legs feel so much better since I’ve gotten the chains off of them. I felt every single tingle race up my body. I’d used them so little that I’d gotten used to the feeling of numbness that they gave off. He refused to take off the chain on my arm. In fact, Illumi replaces them with ones that could be transported. He held the reins. 

My body slid out of bed. Immediately, my legs gave way to my body weight. I held against Illumi for support as I almost fell to the floor. I hadn’t realized that my legs might not work from lack of use. 

I used his body to catch me. It was quick as he helped me to my feet. It was like I was a child learning to walk rather than a grown woman being held against her will. He didn’t even try to help. He let me hang onto him until I could finally walk straight. 

We did not travel far. It was only a few doors down the hall but it tasted like freedom. My feet grazed the stone cobble floor. It was a euphoric yet painful feeling. Each stone was as cold as the last. Tingles ran up my body. What would happen if I ran? The thought was fleeting. I could never run. 

The bathroom was small. It wasn’t a full bath like I was expecting. There was only a shower/tub combo with a cramped toilet and sink all together. There wasn’t really room for both of us to stand comfortably unless one was in the shower. 

Illumi stood by the door. Stood was the wrong term. He guarded the door. There was not much that he had to do beyond standing in front of it. “Do you need the chains off to change?” He asked. The thought of all my chains being off was too much. I almost broke down in tears at the thought. 

My capture held up the key. I, like a good slave, raised my hands in compliance. “It would be helpful. I doubt I could remove the dress with them on.” Illumi pulled on the chains till I was close to his face. So close that I had to physically pull as far as I could to keep our noses from touching. “If you even try to escape, I will kill you.” 

The blue haze was back. It was thicker and darker than before. I could almost touch it, feel it, breathe it into my soul. I nodded my head slowly and pushed my hands back at him. “I doubt I could leave even if you gave me a head start.” 

I couldn’t tell if he smirked or smiled. There was some wiggle to the corner of his lips. Was it malicious or excited? I doubt I’d actually know. He let me go. The chains fell to the floor with a loud thud. I backed away from him slowly. 

It was now or never. I didn’t come all this way to not take a shower. I turned so my back was to Illumi and stepped into the tub. I wanted to keep some dignity with all this mess. 

My arms hurt from being stationary too long. Pulling the dress over my shoulders was a task that sent pain from my arms to my feet. Blood had dried to the dress which made it stick to the wounds and skin. I pulled gently at the scabbing parts of my cuts. Tears pricked my eyes and ran down my cheeks. I had once loved this dress, now I can’t stand to look at it. 

I refused to look at Illumi. I refused to know if he was getting satisfaction by stripping. The next thing to go was my bra. Truly it should have been off many days prior but I wanted to keep another layer on in protection from his gaze. The last to go we’re my panties. They were cute in the hopes I’d be getting laid that night. 

I turned on the water while begging, pleading that it wouldn’t be too hot. I wasn’t going to step out and wait for the shower to hit the correct temperature while naked. It was way too cold. The freezing water sent a shock wave through my body that made me gasp. I could feel Illumi’s eyes on me. The see-through plastic made it very clear that he was watching everything. 

It took a minute of freezing and shaking for the water to finally get to the perfect temperature. I looked around for body wash, shampoo, or conditioner. Nothing but a bar of soap was found. Typical. “You couldn’t have gotten anything a girl uses for a shower, could you?” 

“I didn’t know there was anything different,” Illumi stated in his monotonous voice. I could still feel his glaring at me. Was he enjoying the view? That’s a stupid question. Why else would he want to watch me in the shower? 

“Don’t you have female siblings or a mom?” I asked while washing my body with the soap. The water felt truly heavenly. Every pulse of the shower head gave a new relief to my condition. While closing my eyes, it was like I was still at home. 

“I only have brothers. It would be unprofessional to discuss such things with Mother.” Illumi always spoke with such assurance that nothing could change his mind. I realized that I knew almost nothing about the Zoldyck family beyond that they’re killers. I’d heard of their younger brother, Killua, but that was through a grape vine at work. 

I waited in the shower until the water felt cold again. It was the reminder that I had to leave my comfy mind and go back to the cramped, soulless abyss of a room. 

“I borrowed some of Kalluto’s clothing. I have yet to raid your apartment for more of your clothing. I’ve been a bit busy.” He said all of that without hesitation. He was going to rob my home of my clothes so that I could be comfortable while I’m kidnapped. His thought process astounded me. 

I turned off the water and grabbed the towel on the hook by the shower. It was so fluffy and soft that I could fall asleep with no issue. I’m guessing it was expensive because of the feel. I dried myself as much as possible and took the kimono. I could tell it was feminine which was strange that his brother was wearing it. 

It took a bit of finesse but I figured out how to put it on. The kimono fit beautifully. “He has great taste,” I state while finally walking out of the shower. I became face to face with my captor once again. His eyes digging into my soul. “Thank you for the shower.”

Illumi didn’t respond as he bent down to pick up the chains once again. He attached them to my wrist. Something was different with him. I could’ve sworn there was a slight blush that layered across his cheeks. Could a Zoldyck be embarrassed? I didn’t have time to ask because he turned away to open the door. He lead me out of the room and back to my own. 

The walk felt so short coming back compared to going to the shower. It was like my mind was playing tricks on me. Escape kept appearing in my mind like a buoy that was not tied down. Each time it would disappear with one look at Illumi. He gave off such a strong sense of fear that it was almost impossible to think of such things. 

My room had not changed. It was still the damp, dark recesses that occupied me and my mind for the past week. I climbed back into bed like a good victim. While Illumi chained my hands, he did not chain my legs. “You’ve been good,” he said as if I were a child. “You need some time to walk around so I lengthened this one and will not chain your feet. But if you defile anything or try to escape, I will chain you up so that you wish you were dead.” 

I nodded my head. He’s giving me freedom. Did I really even earn it? I should have said no. I should have tried to fight. I was too excited at the thought of moving around the room to even think about escape. “Thank you,” I mutter. I shouldn’t be thanking this monster. 

I could have sworn he smiled. It made the pit of my stomach drop. “Get some rest. I’ll be back in the morning.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Please add Kudos and comment if you enjoyed. I’ve been really enjoying writing this story. 
> 
> I did want to mention that I know Alluka is female but Illumi misgenders her in the actual story. I wanted to make it like the show even if I don’t agree with Illumi on this part.


	5. The Meaning of Friendship

Illumi lied to me. He was not back the next day. It was the first day he missed a visit with me. The full 24 hours felt too long. Every moment was filled with anger as he didn’t return. I don’t have much to look forward to beyond his visit. I’d finished the book so long ago that I was planning out sequels and trilogies in my head to keep me preoccupied. 

The sun was setting into a deep purple before there was a knock at my door. Illumi never knocked. He had always barged into the room as if he owned it. Yet he did own it. 

“Who's there?” I ask while inching closer to the backboard of the bed. I’ve grown accustomed to the feeling of wood against my back. The fear dipped down in my heart once again. Illumi stated that I shouldn’t meet his family yet. If I did, then something must’ve happened. 

“It’s alright Y/N. Illumi told me to bring you food.” The voice was quiet and polite. It sounded nothing like Illumi. A mere child within the halls of this forsaken place. A child was bringing me my food. I must be in a terrible place. 

The door opened slowly to reveal a small child. They had the same black hair that Illumi had. It was cut short like a bob that went to the shoulders. They were wearing a similar style of clothing that I was wearing at that point. 

I couldn’t remember which brother Illumi said wore this style. The days ran together like passing cars when driving. They blurred into thin lines of my mind until they were almost indistinguishable from the last. The only memories that stayed in my mind were the ones with Illumi, and those were starting to mull together. 

I pulled against my chains to meet the boy at the end of the bed. Truly I was craving any semblance of human interaction. “You must be Illumi’s brother,” I said reaching out my hand. I doubt he would take it. I wouldn’t if I were in his shoes. “You’re the one that I borrowed clothes from, right?”

He looked at me with a curious stare. It is almost the same as Illumi’s except there was more curiosity than malice. I’m guessing that the look ran in the family and grew darker with age. “It’s very beautiful. I really appreciate it.” 

The boy set the food down next to me on the bed. It was like he was given specific orders to do so over actually handing them to me. “Kalluto.” His voice was so quiet. It truly was what I expected an assassin to sound like. Quiet yet determined. 

His name was like an olive branch. The Zoldyck family was so secretive. There were very few pictures of their faces, a few mentions of names spread throughout the land, and even less information on the family. They were a whisper only captured by the victims and those used them. “It’s nice to meet you. Thank you for the food.” I bowed slightly to this young child. 

As swiftly as he came, he was gone. Within the instant I took my eyes off of him, I saw him leave. Kalluto. He was like school children that became quiet when confronted with new situations. As of the two Zoldycks I’ve met, they’ve had different personalities. How could a family striving for the same goal end up with different personalities? The more I learned of this family, the more I craved to know. If I was stuck here, then I could learn about them. 

\------------------------------------------  
Sleeping was starting to become a challenge. To pass the days faster, I’d been accustomed to sleeping whenever I felt bored or angry. It was a coping mechanism. It was a terrible one but it kept me complacent. I woke up to another book sitting on the table. It was one from my house. One that I had yet to read because I’d just picked it up from the corner store. My friend gave me the recommendation, and I finally decided to take her up on the offer. 

A knot formed in my stomach. My friends. My old life. All of it washed away by Illumi. He still hasn’t said what he wants from me. I have no money, fame, or adoration. My life was solely consumed with my job and friends. Both of which I may never see again.  
I was only two chapters into the book when Illumi arrived. “I should bring you more books,” he said. His words made me jump as I did not notice his return. He seemed more relaxed today. His straight, jet-black hair was tied back into a long ponytail. His normal clothes were replaced with some casual sweats. 

“You didn’t see me yesterday.” I knew I was acting clingy but what else was I supposed to hold onto. “Were you too busy?”

“I had a job.” It was his catchphrase whenever he was busy. It’s not like he has a girl tied up like a dog on a chain. I set my book to the side and look at him. I knew his jobs were killing but the casual nature seemed like it was a small business call rather than a massacre. 

“Kalluto seems nice. I’m guessing he’s as deadly as you.” Illumi finally took a seat. This time he sat at the edge of the bed. 

“Of course. We all are.”

“Would you mind telling me about your brothers?” Illumi’s blank expression made me retract. “That is if you have time. I would like to call them by their names if they drop by.”

He paused for a moment. I could tell he was thinking. Illumi was always thinking to make sure every movement was cautious and calculated. “There’s me, Milluki, Killua, then Kalluto.”

“You’re the oldest? That must be really difficult in this family.” His eyes shifted to the door. It was the only time he’s ever taken his eyes off of me. I was confused as it seemed like an easy assumption. “I’m sorry if that was too far.”

“Would you want to meet them?” He asked. 

His casual question caught me off guard. Why would a prisoner want to meet the family that would most likely kill them? Why would Illumi want me to meet his family? Am I nothing but a prisoner locked in the basement waiting for death?

“Yes.” 

My mind was racing from my answer. I said it too quickly. I wanted to know more about the family. I wanted to know more about my situation. If I were to become friends with the family then maybe I could live? Or I’d die quickly. Each of these options were favorable to being stuck in a pit of mindless dribble. 

“Killua is out at the moment.”

“Where did he go?”  
“He’s trying to be friends with another boy. It won’t last long and he’ll be back soon enough.”

“How’s that any different than what you’ve done to me?” I’ve noticed that this is the longest conversation we’ve had. Killua must be a sore spot for him because Illumi finally stood to leave. Had I offended him?

He walked to the door but did not shut it. “It is different. Dinner will be tonight. I’ll come get you when ready.” The door closed behind him. 

Killua. Why did he mean so much to him? I wanted to ask so many other questions but they all got caught in my throat. I was going to meet the family even if it would kill me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you've enjoyed this chapter! I'll try to get a new one out every few days! In case you're wondering where this story takes place, it's somewhere in the Chimera Ant Arc. Thank you all for reading!


	6. Dinner Pt.1

Illumi kept to his promise. He did come to see me earlier than I expected. It seemed like only a few hours had come before it was time for dinner. I didn’t know why but a lump caught in my throat. The Zoldycs were a force. A force that no one should want to mess with. I wonder how many people have joined the family for a meal with no return. 

I was caught off guard when the black-haired man threw a bag towards me. I sensed it in enough time to catch it with my right hand. I’d always been at least mindful of people throwing me things. “What’s this?” I ask while holding the white paper bag he’s tossed to me. I knew it was a rhetorical question as I opened the bag. Inside was some of my make-up that I used whenever I’d go out. I looked up at Illumi confused. “Why’d you give me this?”

“I thought you’d want to look presentable when meeting my parents.” His voice was as calculated as ever. “We can stop by the bathroom if you want. There’s a small mirror in there.” I’m guessing my face gave away my confusion as I continued to look in the bag. “You can’t stay in there for long because they’re expecting you. 

“Thank you,” I said while rummaging through the bag. It held everything for the perfect night out. When did he have time to get any of this? I must’ve had it on my counter at home. It would’ve been out from the last time that I was there. 

Illumi wasted no time in unlocking my chains. “You know the rules. They’re more dire now. Your main goal is to impress Mother. Otherwise, you’re better off dead.” I faced off against Illumi when he said those words. I’d be dead if I didn’t impress his mother. Why was I trying to impress her? Why would he invite me for dinner? All these questions and more flooded my head in a pain of anxiety. I couldn’t tell if I was going to throw up or have a massive headache by the end. 

I was led back to the same bathroom as the night I'd showered. The hallways seemed to become dimmer due to the dying light. The only solace was the hanging lanterns on the ceiling. I noticed the stones that lined the walls. They seemed to be moist from the dew of a hot day. I must be low down in the house for the temperature to be affecting the rocks. 

There was a mirror in the bathroom. I did notice it last time. I cured myself because of the lack of noticing. I had to notice everything. If I were to escape, I’d write a piece describing everything that happened to me. It would be an expose about the family and life being their captured slave. But I wasn’t a slave. Illumi hasn’t forced me to do anything that I didn’t want to do. As of yet. 

The more I stared at my reflection, the more it did not look like me. Everything about my appearance was a mess. My eyes were bloodshot from the lack of light and sun. My skin even seemed washed out. There was a ring around my eyes like I have not slept in forever. I wasn’t myself. 

Tears welled up in my eyes. A person was looking back at me that I didn’t know. “I’m surprised that you can even look at me,” I say while reaching into the bag. I poured out the contents and started the process to look like a human. Like myself. 

“What do you mean?” asked my capture. I shake my head while finishing up on basic foundation. I would start basic in hopes of feeling like myself or like a person that looks like myself. 

“I understand why you brought my make-up. I’m a mess.” 

“No.” The word was commanding. ‘No’ could mean so many things; yet, what did it mean in this context? I looked away from the mirror to look at him. Again his eyes didn’t leave mine. It was like he’s an open book with all the pages blank. I knew that I wasn’t going to get much else from him beyond the word ‘no.’ 

I quickly finished the rest of my make-up to the point I looked human. That was my goal and I’d achieved it. “You can leave this here. No one comes down this way.” I nodded. Even if it did disappear, then there wouldn’t be a cost. I wasn’t going to see the outside world anyways. 

The bubbling thought of freedom held me as I got to the stairs. I could try to run. It was not like he could run faster than I could. I could run into the mess of hallways until I became lost. This house must be a labyrinth for those who had not memorized the pattern. Illumi must’ve known it since he could walk. It was like a typical day for him: wandering the halls until he found his destination. 

“My mother’s name is Kikyo. My father’s name is Silva. While you should know their names, you must not call them that.” More rules placed upon me. Why would he tell me their names even if I shouldn’t call them by their name? Illumi is either giving his hand or is being unjustifiably confusing. 

“Anyone else that I should know about before-?”

“-Zeno is my grandfather. He’s on a mission tonight so you will not see him. If you ever do, don’t interact with him.”

I nod my head and continue to follow Illumi into a grand room. The walls were covered in high fashion silk that draped from a ceiling that seemed to never end. The table before me was long but only held none people. All the chairs had a place except for one on the end. It seemed to be added just for me. “Nine people?” I ask, turning to face Illumi. 

He nodded his head while motioning me to take a seat. He, of course, followed close behind. I knew my place was in the middle of the three chairs that were abnormally close. I took a seat. Illumi took off the chains on my hands and tied them around my feet. They stayed connected to the chair. 

Would nine people be joining us or was this set for the normal dinner placement? “Whose all coming again?” I ask while Illumi sat down next to me on my right. 

“Mother, Father, Millluki, and Kalluto. Like I said, grandfather and Killua will not be here.” He said it so calmly that I almost miscounted. If there were usually 8 chairs then who was missing. 

“No one else besides them?”

“No one else.”

“Who are you excluding from dinner then?”

“Not. a. single. person.” Each word was emphasized enough that anger tore through the words. The air in the room felt tense. I could tell that this meal was starting to stress him out. I was starting to stress him out. 

I was about to ask once more why there were so many chairs out but it was that moment Kalluto and a woman that I’ve not seen before entered the room. This woman stood domineering over those in her presence. Her clothing flashed an old kind of wealth that only people who had the money could pull off. She looked like a typical southern rich except for the eyes. There were none. Only a visor with a dot to signify where she was looking. I knew she had to be Kikyo. 

Kalluto was standing beside her. It was almost as if he was a lost puppy. Kikyo sat at the chair closest to the head of the table on my far left. Kalluto took the seat next to her. “You must be Illumi’s new pet!” exclaimed the shrill voice of the mother. Her tone caught me off guard. For an assassin, she had a shrill, unencumbered voice. It shook the walls of the room. 

“Pet?” I questioned myself while looking at Illumi. Was that all I was? A new toy that he’d dispose of when he’s played enough. 

“Now Mother, you know the arrangements of Y/N’s stay. I don’t have to tell you again.” He was unphased by his mother’s accusations. 

“-I would’ve expected a play thing rather than that arrangement given her lack of talent and poise.” I had barely said anything and I already felt like this was a mistake. I would much rather be trapped down in the basement without meeting her. My head ached as a reminder of her words ringing in my ear. 

Illumi was about to respond when a resounding yell for “Mother” rang through the hall. Walked in was another new face. He was obses to say the least. He looked more like someone who would be chowing down at a buffet rather than a trained assassin. “Kalluto ruined my new doll. He broke the packaging while bringing it to me. You know I killed so many people to obtain the limited edition.”

“My, my. I doubt little Kalluto would do a thing like that.” Kikyo put her hand on Kalluto’s head as a gesture of sincerity. Or it would be if she didn’t squeeze tightly on her son's head. “Now you wouldn’t, right?”

Kallto gave no words as a response. I expected as much. I sent a small smile towards the child as a small gesture of happiness. “Milluki,” muttered Illumi as he picked up his napkin to put in his lap. I couldn’t tell if Illumi’s words were a warning or a statement of introduction. 

The second eldest Zoldyck turned to look at me. It was like his mouth dropped to the floor. “Illumi, you didn’t tell me that you would be bringing such a lovely lady to dinner. Sorry for my intrusion.” He gave a slight head nod and sat right across from me at the table. 

Milluki’s intense stare started to creep me out. It was like I was a piece of meat at the dinner table, spread and ready for him to devour. “I promise I am not like this always. Only when it comes to my limited editions,” Milluki said. 

I turned to look at Illumi. I don’t know why my reactions hinged on him. I felt like he was my rock throughout this full time. Except, Illumi was not looking towards me. His eyes were fixed on his brother. Wisps of blue and purple emanated from around him like an aura. Illumi would have buried a man with his death glare; yet, it didn’t faze his brother. 

Milluki kept talking to me without my response. He didn’t need it. It wasn’t until a broad, muscular man entered the room. If I thought Kikyo was commanding, I had yet to meet the dad. His whole demor was built on the satisfaction that he was better than you. 

All talking ceased when Silva entered the room. It was a calling card that the meal was about to be served. Silva’s eyes met mine and I felt a deep sense of dread. It was a fear that rumbles deep inside and settles like burning lava. 

“You must be Y/N,” Silva says while taking the commanding seat by his wife. 

“Yes,” I said. I didn;t know if I should bow out of respect or stay in place. 

“Illumi, your guest is scared. Did you not prepare her for this meal?”

“I did Father,” replied Illumi. “Her emotions were not expected during this.”

Silva nodded at his son’s response. Emotions were a vital part of every human existence. I should have a right to be scared in the presence of such a family. My thoughts were interrupted by the first course of the meal being served. It was a broth soup. I could smell the delicious steam rising from the bowl. After nothing but bread, anything would taste devine. 

I picked up a spoon from the table. I wanted to dive right in but I was still a guest. I could not eat if the head of the household didn’t. My stomach did not like that rule. It lurched and grumbled in anticipation. 

“I would like to give a small toast towards those who are here and those who are not,” said Silva as he raised a glass. “It is rare that we can come together for dinner. It is even better to be celebrating. To Illumi and Y/N. May their nuptial be as happy as I am to my own wife.”

The spoon landed on the ground with a loud clunk. It was the only sound in the dining hall for a long moment as the realization of the celebration hit me. I was to be Illumi’s future wife. That was the reason I was here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading. My hope would be to get pt 2 out within the next few days since I left this on a cliffhanger. I really hope you're enjoying this story so far. I know I am.


	7. Dinner Pt. 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I normally don't give notes at the beginning but I wanted to give an attempted suicide warning. If this is a trigger, then please read at your own risk. I will continue this wrning if there is any mention of this in the future chapters.

There was silence before the chaos. The room rang with the spoon that hit the floor so suddenly. “I’m what?” I ask in a panic breath. Each gasp into my lungs didn’t even remotely fill it to the brim. I couldn’t tell if I was yelling or whispering. Everything crashed like a wave of emotion showering me with realization. Illumi didn’t bring me here to just be his slave. I was supposed to be a Zoldyck. I was supposed to become one of them. 

I grasped my head and buried my head to the table. My thoughts were too loud. I didn;t want to have to look at them At any of them. I couldn’t even face Illumi. All of this was too much to handle. Lights burned inside my head as I shut my eyes. I must be dreaming. There was nothing else that could be happening. Every second felt like an hour as my brain tried to wrap its mind around why I was taken from my home. 

My thoughts were broken by Kikyo’s shrill, “Illumi, you didn’t tell her?” It was the straw that broke everything. Chaos surrounded the room with shouts of anger from every which way. 

“-Ilumi, you said that you told her everything,” Silva said.

“I didn’t need to, Father. She’s mine and I chose her.” His voice still had no meaning even against the harsh tone from his father. 

“-If she wanted a real man, then she should chose me,” said Milluki

“Now is not the time Milluki,” Kikyo cried. 

I could feel tears welling up in my eyes for the countless times this week. Was I having a panic attack? I-I can’t breathe. Each gasp left me breathless. My head ached to the point of extreme pain. I need to leave. I need to go. Let me out. 

“This is not the way that we take a spouse.” 

“Father, you recommended her for me. I am just doing what was asked.”

“Illumi, you know this is not what I meant.” Silva’s voice booned across the room. A glass shatters around me. I couldn’t tell if it was thrown or shattered by grip strength. 

“-I wouldn’t have just kidnapped a girl” Milluki chimed in once again. 

“Shut up Milluki!” again yelled his mother. 

“I’m just saying that I should be the one with the wife not him.”

I could feel bloodlust looming from Illumi. The blue-ish purple swirls came back to my mind. A high pitched ringing started to drown out the argueing of the table. Everyone was too loud. I- I needed to process. I need to leave. I have to get out of here. 

My body pulls at the chains wrapped around my legs. They refused to let go. Each tug just irritated my leg more. I had to leave. It became my mantra while the yelling continued. 

“I am the eldest so I got to choose,” Illumi said. His voice slightly rose in anger.   
“Manipulation is not a tactic to obtain a wife and you know this,” Silva’s voice matched Illumi’s. “I gave you an option not a choice. Do you think this is what I did for your Mother?

“I can do what I want with my wife. She’s mine alone.” 

“I said she might be good for you down the line.”

“Shut up,” I scream standing up finally. My legs were still attached to the chair enough that I almost fell over with the action. Once I looked up, I could see Silva and Illumi were the only ones standing. The room was filled with a purple hue. It was overpowering and terrifying. I wanted to curl back into a ball and never get up. Tears streamed down my face from stress and anger. All my emotions poured out into one simple statement directed at Silva. “Kill me.”

The room grew deadly quiet. I continued: “kill me. I can’t marry your son.” All my words came out in gasping chokes of air and tears. “I’d rather die than be with him. Please. I’m begging you.”

If anyone could put me out of my misery, it would be him. I could feel Illumi’s eyes on me. I’d finally gotten used to his stare. I knew exactly when he would be looking at me. I didn’t look at him. I couldn’t. For some reason, I thought my resolve would change. 

Silva sat back down in the chair. “No. I will not kill you.” My heart broke. I had accepted death. I was ready for it. I was ready to see the other side. I was ready to know what would happen after I took my final breath. “I can’t kill you as we do not kill our own. The moment Illumi chose you, you’re part of the family.”

“Silva, how is she ever going to survive here?” Kikyo said. “I doubt she has any knowledge of Nen.” 

Silva sat in silence for a moment. He was calm and patient with his thoughts. All of this was a calculated move. The same as Illumi. I could see so much for Illumi in his father. It was almost shocking. “She needs training. Illumi are you up for the challenge. This goes far beyond what you were wanting out of this scenario. Are you ready for that challenge?” 

“I am.” His words rang in my ear like a promise. 

“Your duties to Killua are still to be upheld. The same with our clients.”

“Of course father.” Illumi finally sat. He was given what he wanted. There was nothing left for me. My life was chosen in an instant. All the happy memories flashed before my eyes. Colors of my family and friends mixed with my job. I was killed in this moment. A death worth suited an assassin. My old life was dead to me and I had no say. Silva granted permission and did end my life, just not the way I wanted. 

“Y/N, you’re shaking,” said Kalluto. He had not said anything during this entire argument. It was silent enough for only me to hear. I hadn’t even noticed my body trembling. I took a shaky hand to my face and wiped the stray tears with the back of my hand. 

All eyes were on me as I finally accepted defeat. Within a moment, I noticed the bread knife. It was a quiet fleeting thought. My hand acted without command from my heart. I started to reach for the knife. I felt it. The surge of release. The excitement of escape. The pain would finally disappear. Yet I wasn’t fast enough. 

Illumi caught my wrist. It was faster than I ever saw a human react. All of the rest of the family reacted the same. It was only Illumi that held onto my wrists that were battered and bruised by the chains he placed on them. I tried pulling away. I tried with every inch of my strength. I knew I was weak but I had to do it. It was the only option. 

I pushed and pulled until there was almost no choice. I succumbed to hitting him over and over in the chest. My weak hits did nothing to the man. I was only injuring myself in the process. Newly formed tears ran down my face. 

“Let me go,” I cried. “Please. I want to die.” I pitied myself. I sounded terrible. As I hit him over and over Illumi’s arms wrapped tightly around me. They were tight like he was squeezing the life out of me. Instead, it was a calming grasp. I doubt I could call it a hug but it was a prison. It wasn’t until I couldn’t lift my arm that I finally collapsed into his chest. 

The headache was back and much more prevalent. My tears were staining his clothes as I gave every emotion I had into the sob. I was grieving my life. I was grieving my plans for the future. Most of all, I was grieving my death. I could never escape, much less die. 

Illumi’s body became the only thing I clung to as sobs wracked my body. There was nowhere else I could go. 

“Illumi, you should take her to get some rest,” said Kikyo. Her voice had softened slightly. “We can try dinner again another night. I think you have a lot of explaining to do.” 

It seemed to be a recurring theme that I feel like a child in my own body with Illumi present. He unlocked the chains while I still clung to him. I felt him pick me up with ease. I knew I’d be stuck back down in the cold cellar until I learned to behave. I would become a doll that is only taken out of its packaging when it needs to be played with. 

I couldn’t stand even looking where I was being taken. I doubt I could recreate what it took to get back to my room. He cradled me until we went into the room. The room that I’d know would be my prison. Except, it wasn’t. Illumi laid me down on top of a soft, comfy bed. It was different from the scratchy surface that I was used to. I opened my eyes to reveal a completely different space.

This one was as empty as the last. There were barely any lamps in the room. Instead, a bright screen in the corner that illuminated the space. The bed was much, much bigger than before. There were long windows that ran from the floor to the ceiling. It was a prisiten room. Almost too perfect in nature. 

“Where are we?” I ask while sitting up. I wanted to ask more questions. Enough that he’d finally get rid of me. Maybe that was the key to death. 

Illumi took a seat next to me in bed. It was too close for comfort. I inched closer to the edge of the bed. “It's my room.”

Silence took over as an overarching noise. It was easier than actually asking more questions. I didn’t know what to say or how to act. It took a few more moments before a yawn took over my body. I didn’t realize how exhausted I felt. The realization of your world ending must make people tired. 

“Why didn’t you tell me earlier?”

“I didn’t have to.” 

“You should’ve.”

“I know.”

Silence became a comforting blanket that wrapped me tightly into a lull. Why does he not want to share anything with me? What is the point of having a partner when you don’t trust them? Why now? Why me?

“I will train you,” Illumi stated. He was fixated at the other side of the room. “You might not want to but you can’t return to your normal life. You know too much.” There was no malice in his voice. He only spoke the truth.

I hadn’t thought of the repercussions of going back to my old life. People would use me to gain information on how to attack the Zoldycks. They were too powerful. “Why now?” I asked. 

“Because I couldn’t handle anyone else to have you.”

My eyes started to droop. I couldn’t do anything about the exhaustion that racked my bones. “I’ll watch over you,” Illumi continued. “No chains tonight.” He was still talking when I finally fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the support! I really enjoy writing this series. Weirdly enough I found HunterxHunter through Illumi's voice actor. I will always be grateful for him introducing me to this amazing fandom!


	8. Books, Stars, and Drinks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick warning: There is mentions of drugging drinks. If this is a trigger for you, then read at your own caution.

I was awoken by the sweet sound of birds chirping in the morning. Weird I thought as my eyes finally blinked open. My hands move freely to stretch up above my head and I yawn. I realized that I wasn’t in the grey pit of emptiness. Instead, I felt the plush softness of a warm bed. 

I realized where I was. My mind had let me rest enough to forget about last night. I was in Illumi’s bed. I would rather be in the pit than anywhere else near him. 

For this room being Illumi’s, there seemed to lack any sense of the man. Where would he go? I looked down at my wrist as they felt lighter than normal. The chains were gone. The same with the ones on my legs. I was a free woman. 

The freedom felt strange. I was a caged bird that finally let the door open, but was too afraid to leave. I could leave. I pulled off the covers of the bed and went to look at the trinkets that lined the walls and desk. 

On Illumi’s desks, there was a singular black lamp, a leather bound book, and stacks of pins. This must be his work area. It was so clean that anyone would be happy to eat off the surface of the table. 

My curiosity got the better of me and I picked up the little book. Inside it was a calendar. Each day was outlined with a task. The beginning of this month was filled with tasks to assassinate many of the higher power leaders. Some of them I recognized, but a lot I didn’t. It was for the best that I didn't know them. The days were marked out with a dark red pen. 

I looked back a few pages to see notes left about last month. Each one was written perfectly. All the dates, times, money, and details of death put into the book. Many millions were requested by the party. Some of the other family members' names were next to dates. One name caught my eye: Killua.

I flipped to the date that had Killua’s name. Rather than a target, it was just his brother’s name. Was he trying to kill his brother? No. I remembered that Silva stated that they do not kill family. It must be some other task but what could it be?

The months continued to look the same. Money transitions, family members, and the death of leaders. That was all until September of last year. On one of the dates, there was a small name: mine. Rather than the normal formal handwriting, it was scribbled quickly. I quickly flipped to my name in the notes section. There wasn’t a dollar amount or family name written by it. Instead, it was my phone number and address and a little star by my name. 

The more I stared at my name, the more it distorted. I checked the rest of the book to see if there was anyone else treated with the same care. There were only 4 other names that had my treatment: Hisoka, Gon, Kurapika, and Leorio. Some of them had more details than others but they all had a star by their names. I wonder why I’m in the same boat as them?

I place the book down and pick up a few pins. They felt completely normal instead of heavy. I don’t know why I thought they would be heavy. I placed them back down mainly because I didn’t want to get pricked by any. Who knows what Illumi put on them.

I moved over to a bookcase in the corner of the room. I had picked up one of the books when I heard the door open. I turned to look at the intruder. “I thought you’d still be asleep,” said Illumi. 

“It was a lot louder here than the basement,” I said while putting the book back in its place. “You didn’t tie me up.” 

“I’ve been watching you all night. There was no need.”

“You didn’t do that before?”

“There was no need.” Illumi went over to the desk and picked up the leather book. He placed it high upon the bookshelf. So high that I couldn’t reach it even if I tried. “You’re looking through my things.”

“I am to be your wife.” The line came out more cynical than I anticipated. It was like the bite of a viper. “What’s mine is yours.”

“No.”

He moved toward the computer that sat on the opposite side of the room. I didn’t know if it was a sign of dismissal or retreat. I was getting sick and tired of answers that had no bearing on the situation. I’ve gotten no answers with any of my questions. Instead, I’ve fallen down a rabbit hole that I didn’t even know I was jumping into. 

“Do you not want to talk to me? I ask. 

“I am talking to you,” he said matter-of-factly. “I have a lot of work to do. I’ve been watching you all night so I am behind.” Illumi kept typing on the keyboard. I couldn’t pick out what he was typing so I started to walk across the room. I was going to get answers even if it killed me. 

“You didn’t have to watch me all night. I was asleep.”

“You tried to kill yourself.” He finally turned to face me. “I can’t let that happen.”

“I wasn’t going to do that while sleeping. You could have done anything else.”

“No.”

My voice raised a little. “Always no with you. Why don’t you tell me anything? I am supposed to marry you. If I have to then I need some sort of communication. I can’t have friends because you took them from me. I can’t go outside. I’m stuck in the house hoping that you’ll be home. What am I to do if you don’t come home? Hope Kalluto comes to check up on me.”

The anger in my voice finally got to me. I didn’t realize I was yelling at him until I was. My anger was stirring deep inside so that I got so close to him that I could slap him or do something. 

“You could have left while I was gone,” he said. 

“-And you would have caught me and brought me back here.”

“Yes. Because you wouldn’t survive the escape out of here. You couldn’t open the front gates.”

“Good. Then I’d be away from you.” 

“Is that what you really want?”

“Yes.” I could even tell my voice was wavering. Did I really want to leave? Did I want to die by hunger or being eaten on my way to leave? Would I want a bounty on my head if I were to escape? 

Illumi refused to look back at what he was doing. Instead he stared so intently at me that I couldn’t distinguish if it was anger or resentment. “Why?”

“Because you kidnapped-”

“No. Why did I choose you?” I could finally feel the anger. It was boiling over like a pot. This was the first time I actually saw him uncomposed. 

It took a moment for him to collect his thoughts. I realized that we were face to face or as close as we could be. The only sound in the room was heavy breathing of anger between us. I decided to break the silence with “why did you choose me?”

I knew my question would throw him off. If he was finally emotionally not in control then I could finally ask. I was his equal and not under him. It was the perfect time. Again, the sound of silence took over the room. 

“Your passion,” He finally said. “I should have waited longer but you were wrapped up with a bunch of people that you did not know fully. I knew their plans, and I knew you’d go away.”

“Plans?”

“There’s a lot about the world that you have no clue of their capabilities. You went about your life blissfully unaware of the real world around you.”

“Why’d you take me then?” I ask.

Illumi sighed deeply. “Because you weren’t paying attention. People will do anything including spiking a drink of an unsuspecting girl who's too busy dancing with her friends.”

That night! I can’t remember anything from that night. I was dancing with my friends and then I woke up in the terror room. I thought Illumi must’ve done something to my drink or we got into a fight. I thought it was all Illumi’s doing. What if I thought wrong?

“The chains?”

“You wouldn’t survive if you ran. I had to keep you here. Plus you are mine and it's going to stay that way.”

I went back to sit at the bed so I could collect my thoughts. If Illumi wasn’t behind all of this, then why am I so angry. He’s possessive and distant but that’s because of his household, not because he wants to be. He actually saved me from something that could’ve been much worse. 

“W-why didn’t you tell me earlier?” I asked. 

“I didn’t have to tell you.” It was his catchphrase when it came to me. He didn’t have to tell me but it would’ve been nice to know. Years and years of keeping secrets and anger held in most likely lead him to this thought. 

For the first time, I smiled at him. “Thank you,” I said quietly. 

“I do have to go soon. Kalluto is out. I won’t be back until later. If you need anything, call for the Butlers. They will guide you anywhere you need to go.” Illumi finished his work on the computer and went over to the desk. “I should be out for a few days.”

“Where will you be?” I ask knowing I might not get an answer. 

“York New,” he said while gathering up a few more items he was going to bring on his trip. “I’ll stop you at your apartment to bring you a few more things.”

I nod my head. For some reason, Illumi leaving this time felt more lonely. While the other times, I wanted someone to talk to. This time, I wanted him to stay. We’d finally had a good conversation and he had to leave. I could feel my heart racing as he walked out the door. I couldn’t figure out the feeling. Maybe it was praise for him or worry that he might not return. I couldn’t harp onto these emotions as Illumi was already gone. I couldn’t even tell him goodbye. 

I stood up again and went back to the bookshelf. There must be more information on Illumi or the family. I picked up another book and started reading.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone that has read this story! Truly, I enjoy every single time I get to write this! I thought about calling this chapter "Illumi, finally has a conversation like an adult" but it felt too strong. I'd also like to thank all the people who have been Kudos-ing the past few days. It really helps me want to write!


	9. Expectations and Reality

Adding a second person to watch over was finally taking its toll on Ilumi. It was a constant need to watch over the two people in his care. As long as one was at home, he could find the other. The last known place was near the NGL in Dolio City. It was a long flight out of the way so that he kept his promise to his Father. 

Too bad it was a bust lead. Illumi had lost track of Killua after they’d disappeared into Greed Island many, many months ago. He did keep a record of the fact Killua re-took the hunter exam at the beginning of the year. All of this was becoming tiresome and aggravating. 

Illumi had to abandon the lead on Killua due to the job that needed to be done in York New. It was a simple execution of a small boss leader who had become too narcissistic for the mob to handle. It was a quick job. The Hunters hired by the boss were easily dispelled. 

It was very rare that the jobs took so little time. The main goal was to check on Killua, but the simplicity of the job was a nice plus. Maybe he’d be back sooner to see Y/N. Ilumi decided to stop by the apartment to pick up a few nice things for her. Maybe she’d at least stop yelling at him.   
\--------------------------------------------------  
“I see the bank transfer was done,” said Silva as Illumi went into his work area. “Easy job.”

“I don’t know why you sent me on such an easy task that could’ve been done by Milluki,” Illumi said while watching one of the big screens. 

“You know the reason,” said Silva while he continued to type a message to a future buyer. “It’s your job to watch our heir. You’ve lost sight of him and that’s your fault.”

“The needle is still in his head. He won’t try to attack anyone he could not win.” Illumi decided to take a seat. He knew this talk would be a long one given what happened at dinner the many, many nights before. 

“That doesn’t mean you should lose track of him. If he were to die, then our lineage would end.” Silva refused to look at his son. He was too proud to look at someone who would neglect not one but two of his appointed jobs. 

“I understand Father.”

There was a tension-filled pause before Silva said “you shouldn’t have taken that girl. She wasn’t even remotely ready to join the family.”

“You gave me a list of people you recommended while you were in York New last September. I chose from that list.” 

“I gave you that list in accordance that you’d wait until they could handle being a Zoldyck. It was not a list of pretty girls to manipulate until you got your way.”

“Y/N was not an assassin. There would have been no other way for her to actually learn anything. Would you rather I waited indefinitely?”

Anger spiked in the room. Aura was pounding out of Silva. “There were many other options that already knew Nen and some properties of our training. You picked one of the weaker ones. Now you have to live with your consequences.”

“I see,” said Illumi. It was an unfair trade. He knew that he wouldn’t inherit any of the estate without some sort of understanding with Killua. It is a sick bargain for living at home. He had no say in his life as long as his father was in charge. “Why did you put her on the list if you didn’t think she would be a good addition to the family?”

Silva finally sat back in his chair. He still did not look at his eldest son. “It was a job before the Phantom Troupe. You became distracted from the target. You were watching her, yet you didn’t even know her name. We almost missed the deal.”

Illumi remembered this trip vividly. Killua was still home at the time, and this was before he became a Hunter. It was a job that paid for two Zoldycks. Kill refused to go even though Dad asked him many times to come, Grandpa was busy with business, Kalluto was still in his training, and Milluki refused to come out of his room. He, out of desperation, took Ilumi as backup. 

He couldn’t remember what distracted him. It was only for a moment. It was very rare that he ever was distracted by anything or anyone. Since he messed up the mission, he had to face consequences. Months in the chamber while Father disciplined for my negligence was enough of a punishment for it to never happen again. 

“I was distracted by her?” Illumi said while tilting his head as if to question the statement. 

“Y/N was walking down the street. It only took a second yet you never looked at a girl before or after that time,” Silva said with confidence. “At least enough that it almost cost us millions.” 

Illumi nodded. His memory still failed him about the timeline. It was a very strange coincidence that he would pick her so many years later. He was only a teenager back when that mission happened. 

“I had the same reaction with your Mother. She was another assassin from another family. I was the first in the line to choose who I would marry. I didn’t realize I chose her until we were on a mission many many years ago.” Silva had many happy memories of life before his children and before the obligation fell truly onto him. “Unlike Killua, you have the option of choosing from a wide list or no list at all. Yet you chose her. It will be a challenge, but if it becomes too much, you must let her go.”

Illumi nodded his head. There were very few lessons his father taught him. Most of them he had to learn on his own due to being the eldest. He knew what was being said. He was taking on a liability that would be easily dropped if needed; however, it should not be needed. That was all the advice his father would give him. 

\----------------------------------------------  
“You’re back so soon,” I said as Illumi walked through the door. Canary had said it would be a lot longer before he would arrive. It was to be a long mission. I had decided to start reading the books to finally understand some of the history beyond what Illumi would tell me. 

Illumi didn’t say much as he threw a backpack next to me. He seemed a lot more tired than when he left. Strange. “You have an issue that needs to be dealt with,” he said while taking a seat on the bed. 

“I have an issue?” I said while looking through the backpack. Inside were a bunch of my belongings. Shirts, pants, and some other miscellaneous items. One item caught my attention. Illumi was allowing me to use my phone. 

“Why are you giving me my phone back?” I ask while picking it up. It was charged to full battery power. He must’ve had it since I got here. On the phone, there were over 50 messages left by my friends and family about my departure. At this point, I’d been gone for 3 weeks. It wouldn’t have surprised me if there was police looking for me. 

“Machi has called you many times,” he said. I didn’t understand why that was such a problem as she was one of my best friends. In fact, she was one of the people I went out with the night I disappeared. 

“Why is that a problem?” 

Illumi took a deep sigh. “You really are naive.” I looked back at my phone. Most of the messages were from Machi. I looked at a few of them. None of them were any different than our normal texts except they started to get more and more confusing as they went along. 

I decided to send her a quick message to make say that I was fine. The response was instant. It was a time to meet and discuss where I’d been for the entire time. The phone started ringing as she was calling me. 

“Don’t pick up.” 

“Why?” I ask while hovering over the talk button. It's been so long since I heard her voice that it made me a little homesick. 

Illumi sighed again while finally lying back onto the bed. It was a weird sight as I’d not seen him sleep throughout the time that I’d been here. I’d just assumed that he didn’t sleep. He was silent all over again. It was like he was toying with whether or not to tell me why this was so important. “Answer it. Tell her that you’ll meet up for a chat within the week. Say nothing more. We’ve got a lot of work to do. Plus I need to make sure that no one shows up here unannounced.” 

The phone buzzed in my hand over and over again. “So you’re saying I’ll get to see her again?” 

“Yes,” he said. “Say you’re on a business trip that came up suddenly and you can’t talk long.” 

My confusion must’ve been palpable. Why would Illumi suddenly want to let me see my friends? Why would he be okay with all of this? Doesn’t he think I’d run? 

I’m guessing he’s not too worried about my friends. What would Machi do anyways? She couldn’t out match any of the Zoldycks. It must be some other reasoning. I looked up to see that Illumi was waiting for me to take the call. 

I answered. There was yelling on the other end. Accusations of me being dead or worse. Little did she know. I was able to meet up for a time within the next week. It was nice to hear her once again. I promised we’d catch up as soon as I landed in York New. 

The phone call ended with a “you better” and I hung up. Once the call was done, I put it to the side. I had more pressing matters than to inform anyone else of my location. I decided to go back to my studying. A few pages in and I noticed that Illumi was fast asleep. He looked much calmer while sleeping. It was like a whole other side to him. ‘Must’ve been a long mission,’ I thought while going back to my book.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. I never thought this story would receive 50 Kudos. Seriously, thank you to everyone that has liked or commented since I started! (Especially Locowriter25) This is only the beginning of this story. There's so much more I have planned! I can't wait to share it with you guys!


	10. A Fire in My Soul

At hour four, Illumi was still napping. It was hard not to try and wake him to get some attention. I decided to spend the time with extreme research. If Illumi refused to tell me any information about his family, then I’d have to find it for myself. 

Out of the four books, I’d only found a little bit of information about the Zoldycks. Most of Ilumi’s books were dedicated to old family trades that reached back beyond his grandfather’s parents. The Zoldyck family liked to keep detailed records of everything that happened between them and other parties. I found my eyes also dropping from time to time. Once I got tired, I decided to change into my lounge clothes to try and help stay awake. 

It wasn’t until I came across a book called: Properties of Nen: An Advanced Guide to Mastering Nen. Nen? I think I remember Kikyo discussing my lack of Nen knowledge as a reason that Illumi should let me go. 

I rubbed some of the sleep from my eyes. The natural daylight had started to vanish over the horizon. I moved from my seated position by the book shelf to the desk. It’d become cluttered from the past few days with books and notes marked about. I still kept the pins in the same place. I turned on the single lamp on the desk to hopefully see better.

The first chapter was dedicated to the properties of Nen. The first line states “that it is the life force that everyone has from birth or the aura.” The more I read of the book, the more I became intrigued with the prospect of Nen. If everyone has life energy, then could I be able to master the ability?

I was so intrigued with the book that I hadn’t noticed that Illumi had awoken till he was looking over my shoulder. His hair had inched ever so slightly onto my shoulder which made me jump and fall out of the chair. The chair, of course, came close behind. 

“Oh, you’re awake,” I said while trying to catch my breath. 

“You’re reading about the properties of Nen?” said Illumi. He didn’t even seem to notice that I’d become startled by him. He was so naive to normal human interactions and emotions. 

“Yeah. I found it on your shelf. I thought I should take a look at it.”

“What have you learned?”

I was started by his question. I finally had understanding that I was still on the floor. I stood up so that I was face-to-face with him. As much face-to-face as I could be to his tall frame. I picked up the book and read what I had found. “I’ve learned that it's aura. All of us have some aspects of it. That doesn’t mean that you can use Nen. You have to train for years to achieve anything.”

Illumi decided to stop me by picking up the book. Instead of continuing to read, he started to walk out the door. “Follow me.” It was an order, not a suggestion. 

I tried desperately to keep up with him. Illumi could walk so quickly that it was almost impossible to keep up to him without sprinting. It didn;t help that I was distracted by many beautiful paints that adorned the halls or the many pictures of family from years past. 

I had broken a sweat by the time we reached a door. Illumi opened it to reveal a large room. It had some work out equipment in the corner but that wasn’t the main pull of the room. Most of it was covered in a plastic like what would be on padded walls. 

“Did I do something wrong?” I asked while walking into the room. 

“You need to learn Nen.” Again it was a statement. I was starting to feel like Illumi didn’t need to ask questions or make suggestions. 

“Won’t that take many, many years,” I said. “I doubt you’ll want to keep me around that long.”

There was a thin smile on his face. It was almost sickening rather than sweet. “You will learn Nen even if it kills you. Otherwise, you won’t be able to protect yourself from this.” At that moment, I felt something wiz past my face. It had only scrapped a little bit of my ear as it passed. I hadn’t had a chance to look at it, let alone be able to dodge it. 

My hand grazed my left ear. It was bleeding. I turned around to see the same pins that were on the desk stuck into the wall. “What the hell?” 

“We don’t have time to train you for years. You’ll have to learn now.” Illumi reached out to me and touched my head. Within a moment, I fell to the ground. Every inch of my body felt as if it was on fire. It burned so deeply that I thought he had set me on fire. It became so hot that even the ground felt scalding against my hands. 

I finally was able to open my eyes to see a white flame that licked up against my body. I caught my breath for a second. It was so pure that it could’ve been blinding. “What did you do?”

“I opened your aura nodes,” he said while walking around to the front of me. “Think of it as a baptism into Nen.”

“Is this how you learned?” I asked. I was unable to even stand. 

“No. Father taught me when Killua was born. I’ve had more years than you.”

It took a minute before my brain could finally function enough to stand. I felt so weak and tired yet I had done nothing. “W-why did you do it this way?” I mumbled before I finally was able to stand on shaky knees. 

“I’m not going to let you leave until you can at least dodge my Nen attack.” Illumi held up the needles again. “I’ll still be watching but people can and will attack you for knowing me. Your friend shouldn’t be trusted.” He paused for a second to look over me. “Hold the Nen as long as you can until you collapse.”

It has only been a few minutes but it felt like hours. Everything felt achy and sore. I closed my eyes to feel the newly found aura that escaped my body. I held it tightly. I could feel it pulse from my feet and all the way through my head. Each pulse left me more and more weak. I could feel my life energy escape with each moment. 

My body hit the floor before my mind registered. I couldn’t feel the aura outside my body anymore. It was still pulsing deep within but refused to come back out. My face hit the ground yet I barely felt it. 

“Only 5 minutes. Impressive for a beginner yet not good enough for me.”

“What am I doing?”

“You were doing Ten. You’re now doing Zetsu. Ten is the process of releasing aura. Zetsu is keeping it in. We’ll keep practicing Ten until you reach 10 minutes.” He was absolute in his tone. 

“I-I don’t think I can possibly do that,” I choked out while trying to get to a seated position. “Are you sure you’re not pushing too hard.”

“I am pushing too hard,” Illumi says. “Yet, you won’t see your friend until you can dodge my attacks. Otherwise, there is no point in you going.”

“I know that!” I shout. Anger seeped into my tone. I had a week to recover and Illumi was trying to punish me. I didn’t ask for this. He was forcing it on me. 

Instead of helping me to my feet, Illumi watched me from the corner of the room. I started to get more mad. Instead of the feeling of anger bubbling up inside me, it started to leak out. I knew it was aura. I only had to hold it for 10 minutes for Illumi to let me go. I was going to do it just to spite him. 

This time was much easier to control my Nen as I had a purpose. I doubt Illumi wanted it to be spiteful but here I was: angry and determined. I focused everything on the anger that I had towards everything that had happened in the last month. 

I used every piece of anger and energy until I fell again. This time it was only to my knees. I felt better, more in control than last time I was forced into using Nen. “How long was that?” I asked before looking up. 

“11 minutes,” Illumi said. “I could feel your bloodlust from over here.”

“Good,” I mumbled while getting back to my feet. “You should feel it.”

“Now if you can try to hold that everyday until you collapse then you will have just enough time to see your friend.” The black-haired man walked over to me. I could feel that it was difficult to even stand. Every inch of my body felt the same lick of fire and pain as before. It was throbbing with every step I took. 

“You’re going to pass out if you try to walk alone,” Illumi said as he finally reached me. “Let me help.”

“No. Don’t touch me,” I growl. I was sick of his nonchalant attitude towards me. Add Nen to my list of torture that I’ve endured by him. There was still the presumptive nature that I was to marry him. 

I took a few steps before I landed back in the same space. Illumi caught me. “Don’t be stupid.”

“I’m not.” I pulled away from his grasp and stood up again. 

“I know.”

“Then let me do it.”

I took a few more steps. This time, Illumi didn’t catch me when I fell. I felt like I was learning to walk again. Everything was the same as an hour ago yet everything was different. It took all my willpower to realize that I needed help, like a new child. 

“Fine,” I grumbled. “I do need help” Instead of letting me walk, he carried me again. While I wasn’t happy, I was grateful. My body was going to give out at any point. While walking, I noticed the pictures again. There was one of the most recent Zoldyck children. I must’ve been seeing things as I counted five of them, not four. 

Illumi took me to his bed once again. I guess the room in the basement was vacant once again. “I could’ve done it,” I said while pulling a blanket over me. 

“I know,” he said while walking back over to the desk. “You didn’t have to. Now rest. You have more training tomorrow.” The exhaustion finally won over my body as I fell into a deep, deep sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone whose kudos and commented! Sorry that this one took longer than my normal writing time. This one took so long as to figure out Nen. It was confusing enough in episodes dedicated to it, let alone trying to figure out how to put it in the story. Anyways, what do you think the reader's type is?


	11. Trust and Clowns

The week was long and challenging. Nen had become a huge undertaking. Part of me wished that I wouldn’t have opened the proverbial Pandora’s Box; yet, more of me wanted to continue to learn this power. It was a beautiful array of strength that made me feel as though life was burned deep within me. 

I hadn’t meditated this deeply before. My focus had always been on gaining power and transforming it into aura. I found that anger and malice really did help with the training. Each day, my anger at Illumi grew. He would wake me up early by an annoying alarm clock that his brother, Milluki, made. 

Illumi didn’t allow me to go to bed until I dropped from exhaustion. Every day became a promise of gaining strength and staying vigilant. It had been five days from the start of our training. The only solace in this was that Illumi refused to sleep in the bed when I was in it. He would sleep anywhere else in the room. I didn’t know if it was for my comfort or because he didn’t want to be around me. I’ll take what I can get either way. 

“Stop,” said Illumi. At his word, my body fell to the ground once again. My knees were bloodied and sore due to the constant strain of body weight. Sweat dripped around my face. It would sting my eyes. We had been at this for all morning at this point. “You’re only at twenty-five minutes. Don’t you want to see your friend?”

“Don’t you want to shut up,” I growled while standing back to my feet. “I’ve been at this for so long. I’m tired, hungry, and thoroughly pissed off. Why don’t you be a good husband and actually treat me kindly.”

Illumi cocked his head while he held the stopwatch in his hand. “You’ll never be able to meet your friend if I were to treat you kindly.”

My blood started to boil as I rose from my seated position. At that moment, I saw it. The pin that was headed for my face. I had a split second to dodge the attack before it went into an opened eye or forehead. The notice was all that it took for me to move. It barely scraped by nose when it stuck into the wall. The needle was so fast that it spun like a bullet. Once it landed in the wall, it stuck in a few inches. The ricochet made a bowling ball sized hole that expanded far beyond that in cracks. 

“What the fuck?” I said. “Are you trying to kill me?”

“You passed!” Illumi seemed delighted. A true smile that reached his eyes. 

My breathing was finally catching up to my thoughts. It came out in quick succession. “Y-you tried to kill me. You didn’t try to miss.”

“I only did it when I thought you could pass.”

“What if I didn’t?”

“Then I’d have quite a mess to clean up.”

My anger boiled deep within me. After everything, Illumi almost killed me by technicality. “I can’t stand you,” I growl. I could feel my aura gaining strength. “You almost killed me. After every moment I begged you to kill me and you almost killed me. Is this what it's going to be like to be with you? If so, then I won’t move next time.”

Illumi’s smile faded while he finally walked toward me. His blank face gave away only a few emotions at a time. I could tell when he was confused from the many times that he would stare at me while I was questioning him. This one was different. His eyes still held the illusion of confusion yet there was some other emotion. I couldn’t pick up on it as it was so different. It was the emotion one would see when watching a flower slowly fade into nothingness. It might've been hurt.

I took a few deep breaths to calm myself. “I didn’t mean to hurt you,” Illumi said. “I needed to know that you could escape an attack if we were to go outside. You’ll only need to escape and I’ll be there to protect you.” 

“What if you’re not there?” I ask.

“That won’t happen.”

I nod my head slowly. I doubted that Illumi would keep me under lock and key now that I’ve learned Nen; however, he has done it before. 

“We have one more thing to learn before you can meet your friend tomorrow,” said Illumi while walking over to the water station by the actual gym equipment. He brought the stand close to me. It was small. I was going to reach for the cup to take a sip of water but he sacked my hands. My cry of pain meant nothing to him. Neither did the pout on my lips. 

Illumi poured the cup of water all the way to the brim. It was almost overflowing with water. After filling the cup, he placed a small leaf so that it rested on the surface of the water. “This is called water divination.”

Illumi took my hands in his. “You place your hands like this.” He moved them so that my hands were to the right and left of the cup. “Focus your aura into the cup.” Illumi let go of my hands. “We will figure out where you fall with your aura.” 

I nodded my head and focused my aura into the one spot. It took a lot more control than what it took to produce aura all around. I focused everything that I had into the glass. What was I waiting on? Nothing seemed to change even though I was doing what he asked. 

“Does this mean that I don’t have any aura?” I asked while letting it fall. 

Illumi let out a sigh of annoyance while he placed a finger in the cup and then to his lips. “Damn.”

“Is that bad?”

“No. It just means you're a Transmuter.”

“You make it seem bad.”

“I promise it is not. I’m just frustrated that you’re that type. I was hoping you’d be a manipulator like myself,” he said while taking the leaf out of the water. “We’ll pick up training later. We have an airship to catch or we’ll be late for your meeting with Machi.”

Illumi handed me the book that I had only found less than a week ago. “This should give you reading material for the journey. Read the chapter on Transmuters. I have work to do while traveling.” 

\---------------------------------------------

It was fitting for Machi to pick a mall as the meeting location. We’d come up with a time and a place as I was flying. The trip took a day so there was plenty of time to discuss when and where to meet. I couldn’t say much more as Illumi had instructed me that anymore information would be an immediate turn around. 

I was standing by a pole inside one of the biggest malls in York New City. I was so close to my apartment that I could taste the rust-filled water or smell the bread that my upstairs neighbor always seemed to be making. 

“Hey stranger,” said the familiar female voice. I was so lost in thought that I almost didn’t hear it. I turned to see the typical pink haired friend. Her face brought tears to the corner of my eyes.

“What’s up, bitch?” I replied back while giving her a hug. “It’s been way too long since we’ve hung out.”

“That is by no fault of me,” she replied while giving me a polite hug back. “What have you been doing? Business was that busy that you couldn’t send me a text within three weeks.”

“I know,” I sighed while finally letting go. “There’s much to discuss. But I do say that some of my clothes go lost in transit and I need something new to wear.” 

Machi looked around with a puzzled look on her face. For a moment, I thought I was caught in a lie or I had let something slip. As much as I hated lying to her, I had to protect her from Illumi. I doubt he would allow me to see her if she knew everything about what had happened. “Yeah, lets go,” Machi said while still looking around; yet, she still let me lead her away from the entrance to the mall and to another store. 

\-------------------------------------  
Illumi knew that he needed backup even before he landed on the ground. He felt something was off with this situation. Machi was too powerful for her own good. While he didn’t have any friends, he did have someone who owes him a few favors. 

Hisoka was hard to get ahold of. If he was not fighting, he would be off stalking his next prey. Illumi knew this mission was way below Hisoka’s normal interest so he had to sweeten the deal. One mention of Chrollo later, Hisoka was at the mall, watching over Y/N. 

“How does watching girls shop have anything to do with my next prey?” asked the clown man. 

“We do not want Machi to recruit any more members to the troupe,” Illumi lied. “You have left and they have to refill that space.”

“You think Machi would choose to recruit someone so weak?” Hisoka always had a snip of sarcasm to everything he said. This one was even more cruel than others. Illumi knew that Y/N was weak but he didn;t have to say anything. 

Illumi could feel the bloodlust rising in his aura. How dare he talk about my wife with such absent-minded flippantness? He knew nothing about her yet he judges by talent alone. He’s an insolent fool with a one track mind. 

“I can feel your bloodlust from here,” Hisoka said as he watched the girls head into another store. “What makes this girl so special to you? I know you didn’t call me here for Chrollo. As upset as I am, I do find it amusing that you’ve become so flustered over a girl.”

“Shut up,” said Illumi. He sighed when he realized it was pointless to lie anymore. If Hisoka was to leave, then he would’ve about an hour ago. “Fine. She is to be my future spouse. I don’t want her messing with the Phantom Troupe but she’d made friends with number 3. I can’t have them looking for her. Kalluto has already told me that Machi brought it up to Nobonaga and Feitan that her friend was missing.”

Hisoka laughed a hardy laugh. “You? Marrying anyone is hilarious. Why would anyone pick you to marry? Don’t tell me you forced this poor girl into it?”  
“Forced is a strong word,” Illumi states while picking up his phone. He was expecting that it was Y/N calling to say that she had enough fun and wanted to go back with him. Instead, it was a call from his father. Killua had removed the pin and he was to report to Dolio City once again. 

“Hisoka, I need you to watch Y/N until I can get back to this location,” said Illumi as he sent a message to Hisoka’s phone. “You are to take her to her apartment and nowhere else. Do anything to her and I will rip every organ out of your body and feed them to Milluki myself.”

“Okay, okay,” said Hisoka. While he looked at his phone. On it was the address of Y/N’s apartment. “I won’t kill her even though she’s not even remotely powerful enough to face me.”

Illumi’s bloodlust fueled up again. He was stuck with the choice between doing his duty or staying to protect his wife from any harm. If he hadn’t promised his father when he was a child to watch out for Killua, he would have stayed. He was enjoying watching her in your natural habitat. It was a beautiful reminder as to why he chose her. 

\------------------------------------------------------  
I decided to take a break from shopping to grab a quick bite to eat and check my phone. There was only 1 new message. It was from Illumi. I almost groaned because I forgot about everything that had happened the past month. I found myself wrapped up in conversation with Machi that I forgot about my torture that I’d endured. It was like the world made sense again. 

The message was simple. It read: ‘I have to go. My friend will take care of you until I return. Go to your apartment once done.’ Short, simple, and to the point. 

I could tell that Machi picked up on my change in tone. “What’s wrong?” she asked. 

“Oh nothing. Just some boy troubles from who I met at the bar last month. He refuses to leave me alone.” While I did lie, I did tell the truth. A messed up version of the truth but the truth. 

“Is that the real reason you’ve been gone for so long?” joked Machi. “You didn’t get hitched or something while on your trip right?”

“No. Of course not!” My voice came out too fast. It wasn’t normal. Instead of reminding the situation, I found myself stuffing my face with food so that I couldn’t talk. 

Machi started to look around the food court again. She did this constantly and it was starting to become a habit. “Have you been noticing the person following us?” she asked all of a sudden. 

“There’s a person following us?” I asked while trying to sound confused. I knew exactly who was following us or a relative understanding of who it was. 

Machi decided to get up quickly and walk to the edge of the food court. She ripped down the newspaper of a strange looking man. It was almost impossible to not miss him. He wore a white powdered face. His hair was gelled far back than a normal person’s hair. The red in his hair made it seem like it was on fire. His clothing was a combination of flashy white and pink. All together, it was hard to miss. “Hisoka, why are you following us?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was so excited for this chapter. When I was planning out the story, this one was one that I wanted to do! You get a mix of Nen, romance, and Hisoka. Seriously, thank you to everyone who has read this story. It makes me so happy to log on and see the traction this has gotten since I started. I sat down and planned so much more to this story like over 20 more chapters. Also, I know this is a slow burn. We'll be getting to the explicit rating soon enough!


	12. Needles and Thread

Even I knew this situation was bad. Did this man follow us because of me? It had to be because why would anyone else be following us? I walked over to the two. “My, My, Machi,” said the clown. “You’re looking as wonderful as ever.” His sentence ended with a stomach churning wink. 

“Cut the shit,” said Machi. I’d never seen her so angry. SHe gave off the same aura that Illumi did when he was angry with her. “Why are you here?”

“Sweetie, it has nothing to do with you or the troupe,” said Hisoka as he leaned back in his chair. “I’m on another mission entirely.”

“You two know each other?” I asked a little confused. If Illumi knew this man then why did Machi know him too? Machi was always the friend that dragged me into situations that I did not know but this was different. 

“Unfortunately,” growled Machi. “He’s a work acquaintance.”

“Why does everyone call me an acquaintance when you and I both know we are friends.” Every word that Hisoka spoke had a tone of sarcasm like he was toying with his prey. He closed his ripped newspaper as if nothing happened and stood up. “I’m guessing my appearance has made it so that your fun little hang out is over. I’ve been given instructions to get this little girl back to her apartment safe.”

Machi moved so that she was protecting me. Her hand posed across my body to guard me from any attacks. “You should have no business with her. Who every sent you can fuck right off, Hisoka.”

A crowd was starting to watch the scene. A few people were recording on any device that they had in their possession. A fight was surely to break out whether it be by annoyed people or these two. Hisoka? Why did that name sound so familiar.”

“You’re very protective of her,” smirked the clown. “It’s a little cute but I do need her to come with me.” He pointed at me and locked eyes. He had the same intense bloodlust as Illumi. It was no wonder that the two worked together. Was he an assassin too?

Hisoka took a step towards me. Machi held her ground. “Hisoka,” she said. “You and I both know we shouldn’t do this here. There’s too many people.”

“That’s not what you said back in September.” His eyes twinkled with excitement. I was guessing he was edging her on for a fight. 

“That was different,” Machi said with a low grumble, almost like a whisper. “You and I both know that had to do with the job. You didn’t even participate in it.”

“I had other arrangements.”

The book. That's where I remembered Hisoka’s name. Illumi had written Hisoka’s name down like mine. It was a contact, address, and a star. He was like me when it came to Illumi’s idea of friendship or something else entirely. “Uhm,” I said, finally breaking the two’s concentration. “I think we should go somewhere less public. I think the person that hired you won’t like the amount of cameras on me.”

Hisoka sighed with annoyance. It was as if I had taken away a precious toy from a child. Machi turned to look at me. “So he’s here for you? Y/N, what’s going on.”

“I feel like this is going to be a long day,” I sighed while starting to walk towards the exit of the mall. “We didn’t even get our food.” Machi and Hisoka did one more look at each other and decided to follow me. 

“What business do you have with Hisoka,” asked Machi as she caught up with me. The clown decided to stay far away. He was back to watching rather than talking. It was better for that.

“I can’t really explain,” I said. I knew the route back to my apartment like the back of my hand. Illumi told me to go there until he returned. It would be so much better to follow Illumi’s instructions than try to defy them. For all I knew, he could still be watching me from far away. 

“You better explain,” Machi said. Her anger heated up again. “Hisoka is not a good person. You don’t know him the way that I do. Whatever trouble you’ve gotten yourself into, I can make it disappear.”

I chuckled at her statement. I doubt she could get rid of my problems. She was a good friend but an assassin is a lot stranger than her. “I don’t know HIsoka,” I said. “I know friends of his. Not that I want to know them but I do. Think of him as my personal bodyguard.”

“He’s not a great bodyguard,” she says while we cross the street. “If you’d told me that you needed someone to watch you, I got you. I can hold my own.”

We walked a few more blocks. Hisoka was still following us. Due to his stature, many people were gauging him. I rolled my eyes. Illumi should have picked someone less obvious to watch me. 

“How do you know Hisoka?” I asked. 

“Long story,” Machi sighed. “He used to be part of the workforce under my boss, life got messy, and he quit. That’s the story that I know of. However, he lies whenever he speaks.”

It was strange for Machi to be talking about her job. That was the one rule in our friendship. We never discussed employment unless it got in the way of partying. Recently, it was starting to take forefront in her life. 

“Your boss hired someone that looks like that?” I ask while looking backwards. 

“My boss didn’t really hire him. That's not how job applications work there.” Machi and I stopped in front of my old apartment building. I could feel tears forming in my eyes. I never thought that I would see this place again. It was an old, run-down brick building. All the buildings on this side of town looked the same; yet, this building was perfect. I’d bought it when the sun was going down. From my window, I had an awestruck view of the sunset. 

“Are you okay?” asked Machi. The response I wanted to give was no. I wasn’t okay. There was too much in my life that I could not control. I was in a situation that was too much for me. 

“Yeah,” I lied. “I hadn’t been home since I was on the trip.” We took the stairs up to my apartment. All ten of them. Hisoka didn’t follow this time. We must’ve lost him for now. I went into my apartment. It looked the exact same as when I left it to go to the party. Fresh tears hit my eyes. 

The only difference between before and now was the fact that most of my plants were extremely dead or dying. I couldn’t tell if I was also a plant. Machi, took a seat on my big couch. “I’m glad we lost him,” she said while turning on my T.V.

“I’ll go put my new outfits in my room,” I said. I couldn’t let her see me cry. It was all too much. I walked into my room. I felt like a ghost, floating and grasping at the life that I held before. Illumi played a sad trick on me by allowing me to go back home. I wiped away a few tears and went back to my friend. 

Machi had picked up a book that was on my counter. “When did you decide to look into Nen?” she asked. 

Illumi must’ve left the book here for me to practice while he was gone. “I-I picked it up for the meditation purposes,” I said quickly. Another lie.   
“I wouldn’t pick you for the fighting type,” she said while setting it down. “What have you done so far.” 

“All I know is that I’m a transmuter.” I picked up a bottle of my strongest wine and a few glasses from the kitchen. I needed to forget what has happened for the past few hours. 

She groaned. Why does everyone groan at my type? “I picked up Nen a while ago. There’s no point in learning it if you’re not going to fight. Just do the first bit and you’ll be good.”

I nod my head while taking a seat next to her. It was going to be a long night of drunk watching romantic comedies and horror.   
\-----------------------------------------------------  
Hisoka was watching inside the opposite apartment building. He ignored the dead corpse that was sitting next to him. Illumi didn’t have to pay him for a night watching two drunk girls having a good time. 

His phone rang. He picked it up without a thought. “Hello Illumi. Let me guess, you want a status on your lovely wife.” His voice held out the part about her being lovely. It was so much fun to torment him as there was very little that got under his skin. 

“Mission was a bust,” Illumi said. He could hear the tension in Illumi’s voice. “I'll be back tomorrow. Make sure she doesn’t leave. Hopefully you haven’t messed too much up.”

“I’ll still watch her. Machi and Y/N are still talking. It is mighty fun watching two hot drunk girls.” Hisoka could feel the bloodlust through the phone. It was so tasty that it was turning him on more than anything he could watch that night. 

“Make sure she doesn’t do anything stupid. I’ll be there soon.” Illumi’s voice sounded so delicious. It was pure sugar for his soul. Why keep friends around if you can’t push their buttons a time or two?

Hisoka went back to watching the girls. While nothing fun happened the rest of the night, it was all worth it for the small phone conversation and the almost fight with Machi. Once Chrollo is dead, he’d gladly fight her. It was only a matter of time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was sooooo much fun. Like seriously the dynamic between Machi and Hisoka is one of my favorites! Plus were getting more and more into the Phantom Troupe. Illumi will be back next chapter! Thanks for reading!


	13. Pining over Something New

Machi left way into mid-morning. She got a text from someone at work that she needed to go take care of issues. Before she left, she made sure that texting was enablemed on my phone. I should’ve lied to her and said that I had lost my normal phone while on the business trip; that way my lie seemed more believable as to why I never called her. 

The apartment seemed to be more empty without anyone there. I didn’t realize how used to the feeling of occupying someone else's space I had gotten. It left a pit of emptiness deep within my heart. ‘I didn’t miss Illumi’ became a chant inside my mind. I just missed the thought of having someone else. I’d been so long that my mind needed to have someone there. 

The only praise was that the clown man had disappeared. For now. I could feel the stare but I didn’t dare to look. I was able to pick up around my apartment. While Machi had missed some mess left by Illumi, I didn’t. I’d recognized that he ruffled through a lot of my things. A few extra books were taken off my shelf and some prized clothes had disappeared. 

While cleaning, I received a message from Illumi. It read: I’ll be back later today. Keep training in Nen until I return. I really shouldn’t listen. What would he really do? He wasn’t here to enforce anything. 

I absentmindedly started to pack some of my clothes. I wouldn’t be surprised if I never returned to this place. Once Illumi had his hold on me, he wouldn’t let me go. I wanted to bring the things that I would miss if I never returned. Soon enough, I was crying while holding items that felt so dear to me. Some old pictures of family and friends lay spread out on my bed. Too many memories that won’t be created again. 

Another sound hit my phone. I picked it up and knew it was from Illumi. It said: You’re not practicing. 

He never really responded to my texts. Actually, I had never texted him. He only sent commands rather than checking up on my wellbeing. I decide to respond: No. I’m not. 

It didn’t take long for the phone to chime again. ‘You should be practicing.’ What was he going to do? He’s far away and most likely wouldn’t be here for many, many more hours. He and I both knew it was a lost cause to try and get me to work when he was not there. 

‘Make me.’ I don’t know why I sent it. Maybe it was defiance or a challenge. Who knows? I still did it. Maybe it will get a rise out of him. 

Almost instantly, there was a knock on my door. Illumi wouldn’t knock. I cautiously went to the door and looked out the peephole. It was the clown. Shit. 

“What do you want, Hisoka?” I asked through the door.   
“Illumi told me to help you. Or force you. Whichever way works for me.” He purred the response. I deemed it to be gross and demeaning. Also, I did not have Machi to help me with him anymore. It was just me and the clown. 

I opened the door and Hisoka sauntered into the room. “Let me guess. You’re here to train me in Nen.”

“No,” he said while taking a seat on my couch. Limbs were spread so he was taking over the full of it. “I’m here to watch you. That’s my task. I’m not going to train you. You’re not worth my time.”

His bluntness caught me off guard. Not worth his time? What a rude man. I finally closed the door with a resounding slam. “Not worth your time?”

“Of course not. You’re Nen will never be at the level to fight me. Plus it wouldn’t be any fun.”

I rolled my eyes. “I’m not learning Nen to fight.”

“Oh. I see,” he said while holding out the last syllable. “You’re learning Nen so you can run away until Illumi could help you. What a sad state of affairs. Why would he choose someone like you?”

“I don’t know why he chose me,” I spat. “I didn’t choose him. You think I would pick anyone like him? Not a chance. Once you’re kidnapped and forced to be someone’s girlfriend, wife, whatever, you lose any say in the matter.”

Hisoka chuckled while learning further back into the couch. “I knew he wouldn’t get someone to actually want him. He had to go pick one out.”

I could feel myself starting to get angry once again. While I was not a fan of Illumi, I was also not a fan of people disrespecting him. “What does that mean?”

“Well, you’re too pretty to be with him. Your Nen ability is too weak for him to find you during a fight. So either it was happenstance and you fell in love or he decided to take love into his own hands. He’s not one to go out and be able to pick up ladies.”

What Hisoka was saying was true. Although learning Nen has been difficult, I doubt I would pick it up myself. Also, I would never find myself in a place where I’d have a run in with an assassin. However, he shouldn’t be saying these things. It’s not up to him to decide what’s right and wrong. Who even is he?

“-I do find it interesting,” he continued. “You seem to be as upset as Illumi is that he’s not here.”

“Shut up,” I said. I could feel my Nen flaring up. 

“Exactly what I mean.”

“Aren’t you supposed to only watch me practice?”

“Yes but I’m having so much more fun with this.”

“Shut up.”

I wasn’t going to respond to him anymore. Instead, I practiced Nen. It was as tiresome and annoying as any other time. I didn’t enjoy it. It felt empty to practice without Illumi. Hisoka seemed more interested in the fights from Heaven's Arena than with helping me. Illumi rarely spoke during our training but he would still help. 

I wondered if Illumi had helped train someone before. While his training was unconventional, it was still helpful. He pushed me to my limits until I had nothing else to give. He’d still help me back and watch over my sleep. 

“You’re thinking about him,” remarked Hisoka without even looking at me. 

“Why do you say that?” I flippantly ask. 

“When you started, your aura was low. Now it's grown in power rather than hold steady. Interesting.”

“Shut up!” I exclaimed but I could feel the hint of heat that rose in my cheeks. “I-I’m not.” Hisoka didn’t respond but he did chuckle a little bit while switching the channels. 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Illumi seemed to come back later than expected. He walked into the apartment furious. His normal expressionless face held an anger only sourced for truly vicious ideals. “Out,” he commanded Hisoka. 

Hisoka yawned. “Don’t get too caught up. I’ll be going quickly. Just know that you now owe me one.” With a wink, he left. It didn’t take much. He did whisper something to Illumi before truly leaving. 

Now I was alone with Illumi. I wasn’t sure if I should ask about the bloodlust or leave it be. There was the feel of awkward silence between us. Whose fault was this silence? Both? 

I dropped my Nen for a second. “Should I ask?” I said. 

“No.” 

I nodded my head and went to my kitchen. “I’m getting water. Do you want some?”

“No.”

He’s as stubborn as ever. I took a few sips while Illumi still followed me with his eyes. I didn’t know what he was doing. Anger still hung in the air like cloudys on a rainy day. It made the room feel suffocating. I decided to pour him a glass anyways. I walked back to my living room and placed it on the table. 

“Are you sure you don’t need to talk? Something is on your mind. Did the mission not go well?”

He couldn’t just answer no. There were too many questions that lingered in my statement. He either had to choose to talk to me or say nothing. He chose the former. “I can’t tell you about it; however, it did not go as planned.”

“Is that why you left me with Hisoka?” I ask. 

“He was already with me.”

“Interesting.” I took another sip of my water. Again the quiet awkward fell to the air. It was like both of us wanted to say a thousand words but our mouths wouldn’t listen. Instead the silence was taken over by our breathing and the faint noise of traffic. 

“I-I’m sorry.” I broke the silence first. “I’m sorry your mission didn’t go well.”

Illumi was taken aback by my words. They seemed to bring in a little out of his funk. The sight of deep purple bloodlust was starting to disappear. It was like he had never seen someone apologize to him. A small smile crossed my lips as I looked down. 

Illumi walked over to the table. I was expecting him to get the glass of water. He must be thirty after all this time. Instead, he placed his hand on my cheek and leaned down for a kiss. Before I knew it, we had our lips locked. 

A range of emotions ran through my head. All of them mixed with the same adrenaline that was used for fight or flight. I pulled away quickly. Everything happened so fast. I had to get away. The only rooms that had a lock were the bathroom and bedroom. I ran to the bedroom as quickly as possible. 

What happened? Why did he do that? Why did this happen? In my hazy of anxiety and fear, I didn’t realize that being someone’s wife meant I had to be with them. The thought crossed my mind but he had never made a move. Instead, he seemed so distant that I thought it wouldn’t happen. Illumi must’ve been biding time until. 

Tears were streaming down my face as I slid against the door. I didn’t know if it was because of the situation or because of my fear coming back into my soul. Why? Was the only word that would come to my head. Illumi didn’t run after me. He didn’t bang on the door wanting to know why I left him. He didn’t do anything. 

Time was distorted in my head. I couldn’t tell if I sat behind that door for hours or a few seconds when I heard his voice again. It was quiet and back to the normal monotone. “The airship leaves early tomorrow. Be ready to go.” 

A few fresh tears pricked my eyes. I was stuck. Only one question held onto my mind like a gum. It would be gnawing at my brain until he actually did leave or until I saw him again. Why did I actually enjoy it?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all again for the lovely comments and Kudos. Truly, they mean the world to me. I hope you enjoyed this new chapter. This is where the romance actually starts to heat up between the two. They're the perfect mix of a mess. The next few episodes will be more story heavy!


	14. Death and the Notebook

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I thought I should warn you that there is spoilers in this chapter for the show. If you have not finished the the Chimera Ant Arc, please do it! It's the best arc in all HunterxHunter.

“You really should be advancing further than this,” said Illumi. It has been a week since we’ve arrived back at the Zoldyck mansion. Illumi has mainly been ignoring me and I the same to him. I have yet to decipher if what happened was a mistake or intentional. The kiss has left me more confused than I was before. I felt like I couldn’t breathe around him. All the air was sucked into a space less than a straw width. 

“I’m trying the best I can,” I said while letting go of my aura. I was at the point of holding zetsu for a full hour. That’s at least what Illumi calls it. I focus aura away from escaping my body rather than having it flow. The week has been replaced with training. The meeting with Hisoka and Machi seemed like a long time ago. 

“I doubt it,” muttered Illumi while he practiced with his aura. He’s been doing that more than before too. Usually when I practiced, he would watch me. The awkwardness has left tension. If it is good or bad tension has yet to be determined. 

I turn to face him. “I am trying. You haven’t been giving me anything beyond telling me that I’m not good enough.” I watched as another pin hit the back wall. There were hundreds sprinkled into the wall. They all seemed to be a random mess of needles; yet, I knew they weren’t He would pick a place and aim. Every place was calculated and cold. 

“Get back to your training. I won’t tell you again.” I wouldn’t get through to him. He thought he was correct and I was wrong. 

I closed my eyes once again and held my aura. My only solace has been within my aura. It gave me a peace of mind as if every second held memories. There was only a beautiful picture of strength and tranquility that took over. Power took over me. I felt power that I didn;’t know I could possess. Why didn’t Machi want me to gain this power? Why did she know Hisoka? Did she know Illumi? 

The door slammed open. It was a crash of fear that made me lose concentration. On the other hand, Illumi didn’t even flinch. I turned towards the noise. It was Milluki. “Netero is dead.” Illumi threw another needle. It landed in between two dots. Perfection once again. 

“The chairman is dead. Interesting.” Illumi finally turned to look at his brother. “How?”

“It was the ants,” panted Milluki. He must’ve ran here. This must’ve been a big deal for him to actually leave his room. I hadn’t seen him since the dinner. Milluki noticed me. He took a deep breath and tried to stand a little taller. “Oh hello there beautiful. I didn’t notice you there.”

“Milluki,” shouted Illumi while aiming a pin at his brother. “Why are you telling me this? Shouldn’t you tell father?”

“Father told me to tell you. Well tell you that and Gon’s almost dead.” This piqued Illumi’s interest. Gon? I remember that name. Where have I heard it before?

“And Kil?” asked Illumi. 

“Alive.”

Illumi seemed to breathe a sigh of relief. What does Killua have to do with Gon? This conversation didn’t involve me. I shouldn’t ask anything. Yet, I could get information from Milluki more than I could from Illumi. 

“Do you think Kil is coming for it?” Illumi stated. Milluki entered the room finally and stood, a little too close for comfort, to me. Illumi followed suit as a sign of dominance. 

“Father thinks he’s on his way. He should be here soon.”

Illumi nodded his head slowly and sighed. “That means we’ll have to watch it very, very closely.”

“I already have cameras on him. He seemed to be as happy as normal. No change.” Milluki stepped a little too close. His arm brushed against mine. 

“Then you have a job to do,” growled Illumi while he pulled on my arm. His grip held tightly. I could feel his aura pulsing through his body. Every inch of him had a level of bloodlust only held for rabid animals protecting their prey. Illumi pulled me behind him. It was the most protection I’ve gotten all week. “Leave, Milluki.”

“I can take a hint,” Milluki said while walking to the door. “You know you can’t protect her forever. You’re going to have to leave her alone sometime. And when that time comes, she may come running to me.” Milluki knew he’d have to try running as fast as he could. Within the place he stood, were many, many needles. 

I held onto Illumi’s arm. “Illumi,” I said in a quiet voice. His anger still pulsed with every second. It was ravenous and exhilarating to feel. I could feel my heartbeat match every pulse of his aura. “Let him go. I’m not going with him.”

It took another minute before he finally dropped his aura. For the first time in days, Illumi finally looked at me. “You’re mine and only mine.”

I could only nod my head. I don’t think I was agreeing to agree but rather to stop his anger. It was all consuming and powerful. Too powerful that I didn’t want it to snap or I would be lying in the wake of the disaster. 

“Illumi,” I repeated as I finally stepped away. His eyes still locked on mine. “Let’s be done for today.” 

Another pregnant pause took over the conversation. “Okay.” I didn’t notice that aura was escaping from my hands. It must’ve been a defense tactic. Or an offensive that I had yet to learn. 

We took the long way back to the room. Illumi only does this when he’s had a terrible day. Most of the time it is after a mission or when I hadn’t advanced as much as he wanted in one day. We’ve been taking this trip longer than the short one. 

Once in the room, Illumi went back to his computer setup. He pulled out a Hunter card. “You’re a Hunter?” I ask while sitting on the bed. 

“Yes. I got it a year ago.” I watched as he pulled up article after article about the chairman’s death and the boy, Gon’s condition. 

Gon? The name rattled in my head for far too long. The book! His name had my treatment. It was like that with Hisoka too. “Whose Gon? And why is his name in your book?”

“You’ve been snooping in my stuff?” Illumi didn’t take his eyes off the screen. 

“I did the day you brought me to this room. The notebook had my name, Hisoka’s, Gon’s, Kurapika's, and Leorio’s name in it the same. Why?”

Illumi stayed quiet while typing a few more things on the computer. “Are you going to answer?” I asked. I waited a few more minutes before repeating my question. It received the same response. 

“Why don’t you tell me anything? Our life together is going to be very boring if you don’t tell me things. Especially if these things have to do with me.” Illumi stopped typing. 

“Our life?” he asked. The words seemed so foriegn even though I had spoken them only a few seconds before. I didn’t even realize that I had said them. 

“I didn’t mean it like that,” I said. “If I’m to stay here, then it will be very boring to me.” Backtracking wasn’t going to help. It was already out on the table. ‘Our life’ might’ve been a Fruedian slip but it was done. 

“Our life,” he repeated. This time a more puzzled look took over my face. What was happening? Was I going insane? Wasn’t it only weeks ago that he captured me and chained me up? I shouldn’t be thinking like this. 

My body lied back onto the bed and covered my face. I could feel the heat rising to my cheeks. I closed my eyes in the hope that everything would disappear. It was a hope that I would wake up back in my bed after a long night of drinking and I had dreamed all of this up. Yes, this must’ve been a vivid dream that had a mind of its own. 

I almost believed my mind until I felt the bed shift. Once I opened my eyes, I saw Illumi sitting next to me. He held the little book in his hand. “Y/N, do you really want to know about this?” he asked. His voice was calm like a babbling brook or the soft rain on a Sunday. There was a melting feeling towards his words. 

“Yes.”

Illumi sighed while flipping to the page with my name. “I wrote your name down when I finally learned it. I saw you on a mission many years ago. I couldn’t get you out of my head ever since then.”

“And the others.”

“They’re acquaintances of Kil. Kurapika and Leorio are off doing other things. Hisoka is an acquaintance of mine. Sadly, you had the opportunity to meet him.”

“So Hisoka is your friend.”

“No,” interjected Illumi. “Zoldycks do not have any friends. They only have their family. Friends get the likes of us killed.”

“And Gon?”

“He’s the person that is playing friends with Kil,” said Illumi while turning the page to meet his name. “They met at the Hunter Exam and have been inseparable ever since. I tried to convince Kil that I and the family was all he needed. He escaped rather easily with the help of Gon. Kurapika, and Leorio. Hisoka watches over Gon due to his power. We have similar goals.”

I looked away from Illumi for a second. It seems as though Illumi had yet to grasp that Gon was his friend. I could feel it in my soul that they were friends, best friends even. If Gon is truly dying, then Killua must be in hell. 

I realized something in the quietness. If Illumi had no friends, then he must live an unhappy life. His family seemed like a mess. He was stuck with no one to talk to except his parents. No wonder he wants to keep me here. I was to be the only support he has had. While Illumi will deny that Hisoka is his friend, I knew otherwise. Hisoka didn’t have to watch me. 

Silence fell on the room once again. “What am I to you?” My question was a silent one. It was one that I wanted to know for so long. 

“My wife,” he said while closing the book. I rolled my eyes. 

“Then what does that mean?” 

Illumi got up to put the book back in its place. “It means that you’re mine until death. I’ll watch over you like my father watches over my mother. You’ll be the daughter of the Zoldycks. We’ll have many children and train them to be assassins like me. We carry down the tradition.”

“So you’re next in line?”

Illumi stopped for a second. He waited to answer this one until he climbed back into bed. “No, I am not.” 

“But you’re the eldest. Shouldn’t it be you?” There was a look in Illumi’s eyes. One that held passion and drive yet was soft and quiet. 

“Do you want to know about the Zoldyck hierarchy?” he asked. Our space was closing ever so slightly. I didn’t even notice until there was less than a six inches difference between us. I don’t remember when this happened. I pulled away to the side of the bed once again. 

“If you want to tell me,” I said. 

“I should tell you. As it will impact your future as much as mine.” Ilumi mirrored me when pulled back. It was like he realized the same thing as I did. Weirdly enough the gap felt too far. It was an expanse of blankets that a small sea could traverse easily. Part of me wanted to take a boat to the seat and close the gap. Part of me wanted to escape across the beach until I met civilization once again. 

“Who is the next heir?” 

“Killua.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is what you've been waiting for this entire time. I will finally put the explicit rating to the test. Hopefully you've enjoyed this chapter! 
> 
> Another thing I want to say is the hope that everyone is staying safe out there. Everything is going to be alright. I'm glad to provide even a little happiness to the few people reading this in such a stressful time. I know I'm stressed with everything that is happening in our world. We can only hope for a better tomorrow. I've been re-watching show to help with the story. The Chimera Ant Arc shows not only the terrifying nature of us but what its like to be afraid. I'm glad the creator didn't end the show after it. There's still another part. We will see a happier tomorrow.


	15. Talking Bodies.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is 18+ due to the content within it. Please read at your own risk.

Killua was to be the heir to the Zoldyck estate and continue on the legacy. I didn’t know what I expected but it was not for Killua to be the next heir. “No wonder you have become protective of him,” I said. I’d noticed Illumi looking away from me. 

“Killua is my closest relative. We have to stay close due to the nature of everything,” Illumi shifts in the bed. It’s the first time I’ve truly seen him uncomfortable with discussing things with me. Usually he’ll stay quiet or tell me that it's none of my business. This behavior was out of character for him. All this must be weighing heavily on his mind. 

“Is that where you’ve been?” 

“Yes. I had to leave watching you to check on Killua. It's my role in the family. I’m the eldest so I have to watch out for the heir.” He brushed some of his hair out from in front of his face. It was so long that I’d expect it would get annoying after a while. I was always surprised how well groomed he’s been for someone so deadly. 

I shifted so that I was staring at the same wall that Illumi was. Too many questions filled the void in my head. All the questions felt like a pool that expanded with every ponderance inside my mind. Which one should I ask first? “Why aren’t you the heir?”

Illumi chuckled as if I had muttered a funny job. “I can tell you haven’t met my brother. He’s Exactly like my father and grandpa. They were cut from the same cloth. Each one so closely woven that there was no other choice.” 

“But you’re the eldest-”

“-That doesn’t matter,” interrupted Illumi. “They’re all transmuters. All of them have a certain way of living. All of them find value in the absence of self. They all care for others and will die to achieve their goal. I and all the other siblings take after my mother.”

I think back to the time I met his mother. She didn’t seem to be anything like Illumi. None of the other siblings seemed to be anything like each other. They all were so different. Milluki was his own breed of self-assurance. Kalluto was quiet and calm. Illumi was powerful and fierce. Out of all the siblings I’ve met, Illumi seems to be the best choice as an heir. “What is your Nen type?”

“Manipulator.” He spoke so calmly. Does he know what that sounds like? 

“What?” 

“It’s just a type of Nen. Like your transmutation.” Illumi sighed. “I should have mother teach you some of this. If Killua would come home, he could help with your type. Hisoka refuses to help due to you not being strong enough.” 

“That’s mean of him,” I joke with a smile on my face. I didn’t realize I had it until I felt the pull on my cheeks. 

“His main focus is Gon. You don’t want to face him. I already told him that if he laid a hand on you then I would kill him.” He, again, spoke so calmly about his job. The fear of death stung my heart and made the hair on my body stand on end. 

“Will I have to become an assassin? I don’t know if I can kill anyone.” I was starting to get used to the silence between us while Illumi thought of his answer. His silence felt like a calming blanket that warms every inch of me. The silence started as a cold space of distance when I didn’t know him. Now, I read his mind as much as mine. Silence was his defense for me. 

“No. You don’t,” he said. “You will always have me. I will always be there to protect you.” Illumi finally stopped staring at the place on the wall. “You’re stuck with me whether you want to or not.” A smile crossed his face. It was one that I mirrored. 

“That was a joke. I’ve never heard you joke before.”

“I don’t have anyone who will usually listen.”

In an instant, the tone of the room changed. Everything started to make sense and get more muddled. The more we looked at eachother, the harder my heart beat. It was like I was a child once again with the simple butterflies in my stomach whenever I looked at a boy. Each pounding sent the butterflies afloat. 

I’d had many partners before. None of them gave me this wistful feeling of intrigue and comfort. It was though my body had taken over to the impulse response and I crossed the sea of blankets and kissed him. 

The kiss was passionate and full of wanting. I climbed on top of him as Illumi sat up on the bed. His arms wrapped tightly around my waist while mine around his neck. He craved the same thing I did. 

We didn’t break until I had run out of breath. Illumi only gave me a second before he was back to attacking my lips with his. Every instinct in my body craved more. I couldn’t tell who was giving more into the kiss. Instead, I focused on the feeling. Sparks fell from every motion of his lips colliding with mine. 

Without warning, I was on the ground and Illumi was on top of me. I could only give a small groan before Illumi was back to my swollen lips. “Illumi,” I mumbled when he pulled away to catch his breath. He stopped for a second. A flash of fear raced through his face. He must’ve felt so vulnerable that he would allow fear. He thinks I’m going to reject him.   
“I was only going to tell you to keep going,” I say while starting to pull at my top. Illumi only nodded. He must be too focused to talk. Not that he ever was a talker before. His lips only broek from mine when I removed my shirt. 

The cold touch of his hand made my shiver. He only stopped below my bust. It was an ask of permission without the words to come out of his mouth. I nodded before I took off my own bra and threw it somewhere else. I was too busy to notice. My hands reached for his shirt but he held them down as if it were a calling card to say that I was not to touch him. 

A soft whine escaped my lips as a defining protest to the rules. Illumi took full advantage of my protest to kiss down my exposed skin. The trail led down to my breast. His left hand still held my hands as he kissed everywhere but my nipple on my right breast. He was teasing me and it was working. 

“I wish I still had my handcuffs,” he said. I was about to respond when his mouth finally found my nipple. My words turned into a soft groan as I leaned into his touch. 

Illumi only removed his mouth once he felt fully satisfied. He decided it was time to remove his shirt. I finally got to look at him beyond the clothes. His body was scarred with a few wounds from battles long before. His pale features were only accentuated with the abs that grew from hard work and determination. 

I tugged at my hands as I wanted to touch everything about his body. I wanted to touch him and he wouldn’t let me. It was a cat and mouse game and I was the mouse. Illumi finally decided to give the right nipple the same treatment as the left. A slow tease until finally sucking. Another moan escaped my mouth. 

I licked my swollen lips that craved his. “Illumi.” My voice was husky and a little dry. He’d taken the air out of my lungs with each lick of his tongue. His path of kisses were left cold in the open air. My body reached again by leaning into his touch once again. 

My cries of more fell on deaf ears. He was going to have his fun before finally taking me and I could do nothing about it. He only let go of my wrists once he wanted to remove my pants. He forcefully grabbed the ends and ripped them off my body along with my underwear. 

I finally realized how exposed I was. Illumi had seen me before when I had showered. I would’ve put on a show for him had I known the outcome. Back then, I was so scared he would defile me, ravage me. Now I’m letting him do it willingly. I’m begging for it. 

I could feel myself becoming more wet the more he looked at me. I was his prize. He took his time when removing his pants. He wanted to take a good long drink of the image before him. I covered myself as it was embarrassing the way he looked at me. 

“No,” said Illumi. The rest of his body matched him. He was a beautifully carved statue that had only been revealed by years of work and training. I must’ve been staring the same as him. Illumi came back to my lips. I’d missed them. 

I could feel how much he wanted me. Every inch of his dick grounded against me while we kissed. My hands started to inch toward his back but he pulled away. “Leave your hands at the backboard or I will stop.” 

I whined in protest. That was until he gave himself a few pumps. My mouth watered at the thought of touching him. I almost broke the rule as he lined up with me. Illumi looked up to me and I gave a nod. 

Every single inch of him felt more fulfilling. A groan left my lips as he kept going. When I thought there was no more, he still had a few more inches to give. Once he bottomed out, we paused for a second. The room was full of our panting. I felt like my body was going to break with the weight of him, of everything. It was purely delicious and I craved even more of a taste. 

Illumi’s movements were tantalizing slow. A few whines left my lips while one hand massaged my breast and the other held himself up. I could already feel the buildup of tension that settled deep within my stomach. 

He picked up speed when his lips met mine again. My body lurched into him. I couldn’t tell when curses and praise left my mouth in between kisses. I was too focused on the girth that made me feel like I was splitting into two. Each push gave more heat to the fire burning deep within my belly. All of it beginning to feel like it would boil over. 

Illuni showed no sign of stopping. Each paise was met with the sound of skin slapping together. I had to hold onto the headboard or I would touch him. Every single delicious inch of his body. I wanted to wrap my hands in his hair. I craved all of it. 

Illumi’s barrage of kisses never stopped until I had finally tipped over the edge. I came with a cry of Illumi’s name on my lips. My hands grasped the bed tighter than I had thought possible. Shivers ran up and down my spine. “Oh, fuck, Illumi,” I praised while leaning into him. My body had its own mind. 

He, on the other hand, sped up. Each pulse gained so much speed that I thought I wasn’t going to be able to take every pulse of him into my body. He gave a small stutter and his rhythm was becoming more haphazard. I didn’t even know he came until he spilled inside me. There was no warning. Just a climax. 

We stayed like that for a long time. Illumi looked down at me with the question of what just happened ringing in our minds. His soft breath was warm on my face. Our chest rose and fell in sync. Once Illumi finally pulled out, I felt cold.   
The motif of silence took over once again. What to say after? Again the pool of questions filled my mind. Illumi’s body rocked the side of the bed next to me. I finally put my hands down so that I could feel the rise of my chest. 

I decided to break the silence. “Illumi,” I mumbled. My body felt like I had done Nen training for a full day. Every single inch of my body felt the same as aura flowing through it. 

“Hm” was his response. The same quiet tone as normal. 

“That was fun.”

“I enjoyed it also.”

“Good.”

The panting of our breath took over once again. I closed my eyes for a second to feel the bliss of the moment. It was too beautiful to pass up. 

“Illumi.”

“Hm.” 

“What does this mean?”

“Don’t ask questions you don’t want to know.”

I nod my head. I could feel that sleep was starting to creep into my body. The high I felt was climbing back down. The only feeling left was the coldness of the outside air on my naked skin. Illumi was too far away to touch. I wanted to reach out the bridge the expanse between us; however, that felt more intimate than sex. It was a feeling Illumi held for so many years that I had to try and train him to not feel anymore. He needed to feel free to let me touch him. 

“Okay, I’m ready.” Illumi sat back up. 

“Ready for what?” I asked while my eyes started to close into the drift of sleep. 

“Round two.” My look of confusion didn’t deter him. “Did you think that would be the only time tonight? I’m only getting started.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all like this one. I'm not the best at writing smut so I hope this was acceptable enough. I thought it would be a celebration for 100 Kudos but I got impatient. Also, its extra long compared to what I normally write. Seems like I got carried away. Anyways, thank you all for reading and stay safe out there. 
> 
> Lastly, if you want to reach out to me, you can go to my tumblr: write-like-you-mean-it. It's an easy way to talk with me, make requests, and so on. I might start doing some one shots to practice more of my writing skills.


	16. Introductions and Questions

A strange beep awoke me from my slumber. Everything in my body ached as I tried to move. My arms were so sore that it hurt to move them an inch. It took a few moments to realize why I was so sore. A combination of Nen and exercising would do that to anyone. All that left my mouth was an angry groan at the blaring sound. With how late we were up, I wanted to get so much more sleep. 

After a minute of the alarm, I realized that Illumi must be as tired as I was. The bed moved only slightly before the phone stopped ringing. Somehow, I was able to move myself to a sitting position even though my body screamed for me to lie back down. “Whose on the phone?” I ask while rubbing some sleep from my eyes. 

Illumi didn’t answer. Instead, he went to get his clothes back on. My heart ached for the thought that he might stay for a while with me. There was not a lot of talking last night and I didn’t get all the questions answered in my head. 

“Illumi,” I mumbled. He still didn’t respond but handed me back my clothes. “You can’t really not talk to me when you don’t feel like it. Why can’t you stay with me.” 

He went back to covering his body. Every single inch of his body. It was a nice look while it lasted. “I have to go vote.”

“Vote?” I ask. He never struck me as one of the political types. Assassins normally weren’t. “Who are you voting for?”

“The newest chairman.” Illumi picked up his needles. “I won’t be gone long.” He stopped getting ready for a second to look at me. It was a delicious look as if I was a hot dinner ready to be devoured. I realized how naked I was and tried to pull the blankets up to cover me. 

My face felt a hot red and I looked down. “I do have a favor for you,” Illumi said. “I want you to keep practicing Nen. Kil should be back soon. Milluki and father will have a watchful eye on him. It will be your job to tell me if you see him and especially if he leaves.”

I nod my head. I don’t know how I can try to watch for Killua if I can barely move my body. Every inch was sore; however, I wasn’t going to give him the satisfaction of knowing that. He refused all night allowing me to touch him. Sex isn’t as much fun if I can’t figure out his quirks too. 

“-Also, if things go well, I’ll take you to get dinner. We can-” He paused for a moment “-discuss some more.”

I cocked my head to the side like a little puppy. He wanted to talk? It was a miracle sent from above. “Okay. I’ll tell you if anything happens with Killua.”

Illumi finished backing everything that he might need for voting. Before he went out the door, he gave me a small kiss. I could feel his promise that he would be back. Every other time he has left, there was always a question of ‘if he would return.’ This time, it was a promise that he would. 

Illumi was already out the door before I realized that I did not know what Killua actually looked like. My first goal would be to get dressed, take a shower, and find a picture of Killua. There was an old one on the way to the training center.

\-----------------------------------------------------------  
I walked down the long hallway that guided us so many times to training. My wet hair was making my newly clean shirt wet from its drip. The shower was a nice addition to the day as I could barely stand before. Each and every other step felt like an agonizing pulse of sore muscle throughout my body. Nen did almost nothing to dull the pain. 

The long hallway held so many pictures that it was hard to distinguish which ones would have Killua and which ones were of older, long forgotten relatives. As I was walking, I remembered one picture towards the training ground that held all of the Zoldyck siblings. We had always passed it in quick succession because Illumi’s stride was always bigger than my own. 

My pace quickened as I rounded the corner. Right next to the room held a beautiful picture. All the kids were brightly shown in a forest type background. It must’ve been taken on the mountain somewhere. Kikyo was in the center holding a little small boy. I’m guessing that the boy with white hair must be Killua. He is the center of attention. Kalluto held onto his mother’s dress. He couldn’t have been more than three. Milluki even looked much younger but not by much. 

My eyes were transfixed on Illumi. He stood as tall as ever. The only difference is that he seemed more relaxed. His hair was only to his shoulders and he wore such casual wear. Illumi still had that stoic face but he seemed happier. Years of worry and protection must’ve waved on his demeanor. 

I then noticed another blurred figure in the back. Illumi told me that there were only 4 Zoldyck siblings. This blurry figure seemed more feminie and by herself. Maybe Illumi had a sister that was disowned? No. She was much younger than Killua in this photo. Did Illumi lie to me? 

“Who are you?” the voice in the hall rang out. It was not one that I had ever heard. I turn my attention away from the picture to see a white haired boy standing in the middle of the hallway. He looked much older than the one in the picture. I could feel hurt and anger mixed with his own bloodlust. 

“You’re Killua,” I said more as a statement of fact than asking. 

“Depends. Who are you?” I could tell he didn’t trust me. Why would he? I was a stranger in his home. 

“I’m a friend of your brother’s,” I said. “My name is Y/N.” Killlua started to walk past me. He was on a mission. I decided to follow him as that was my goal. “I heard about your friend. I-I’m sorry.”

Killua stopped in his tracks. I did too as I was a few feet away from him. His head held down and fists in a tight hold. “No you’re not. You don’t even know him.”

“I-I am,” I stutter. I could feel his Nen getting stronger every second. It was pulsing stronger than Illumi’s own. 

Killua turned on his heels. “You know nothing of Gon!” he yelled while walking towards me. All of his anger directed. I could feel the electric buzz stirring in the air. The same buzz that could be found before a lightning storm. “Don’t you dare speak of him. I’m here for one thing only and it's not to have a chat with you.”

With that, he stormed off. Killua was much faster than Illumi. Soon enough, I became lost within the maze of the Zoldyck mansion. I had lost my target. No wonder Illumi had a hard time while tracking him. I wasn’t prepared to see him so soon. Everything in my body hurt too much. 

Tracking Killua would be too hard. I decided to try to find the entrance of the mansion as Killua had to leave sometime or other. My focus shifted to telling Illumi of Killua’s wearabouts. Part of me didn’t want to tell him. Killua was already struggling. He was an innocent boy who was losing a friend; however, I had to tell Illumi.   
\-----------------------------------------------------  
An hour and a half had passed and I finally found the front door. I took too many wrong paths that I think I memorized all the wrong ones. I’d have to ask for a map once Illumi returned. I shouldn’t have been so tangled up with corridors that I could’ve missed Killua leaving. 

Luckily, I hadn’t. It took another thirty minutes before he showed up at the front door. He was carrying a small little girl with him. She looked absolutely adorable and the same as the girl in the picture. 

“Killua,” I said as he started to walk through the door. “I-I truly am sorry.” Again, he stopped in his tracks. I knew deep down that I shouldn’t be saying any of this to him. I didn’t know his friend. Hell, I didn’t know him. I did know Illumi and if the hurt Illumi feels on a regular basis is within Killua then he must be in extreme pain. 

“Big brother, who's this?” asked the little girl. I gave a small smile and a wave. 

“Which brother?”

“Huh?”

“Which brother are you friends with?”

“Illumi,” I said. 

Killua turned to look at me. “Illumi has no friends. If he tricked you into being his friend, then I would find whatever needle is deep within your skull and remove it. Don’t trust a word he says.”

I watched him walk away with the girl still held tightly in his hands. She gave me a smile and a wave. “Bye Illumi’s friend.”

A smile crossed my face as I waved at her too. She seemed too pure for this house. My mind wandered to Killua’s warnings. What did he mean about not trusting Illumi? A needle? I knew Illumi needed needles but what for? There were too many questions that I felt like my head was going to explode. 

“Oh, Y/N,” came the shrill voice of Kikyo. “What are you doing out of Illumi’s room?”

“I’m not his pet,” I said while turning to look at her. “I was given a task from him to look after Killua. Speaking of which, I have to text him.” I pulled out my phone to tell him that Killua had just left. 

Illumi sent one back. It read: Did he have someone with him?

I wrote back: Yes. He had a girl with him. Illumi didn’t respond after that. 

“You were talking with Killua just now,” said Kikyo. “What did he say?”

“I’d rather not say.” Kikyo gave a resounding humph and marched off to try and catch up to Killua. I, on the other hand, went to find a way back to the training area.   
\------------------------------------------------------------------  
I had been training into the night. My teacher has been the few books Illumi provided for me. Weirdly enough, Nen training was much quieter without Illumi. My eyes wandered to the tiny holes in the wall where Illumi had been practicing just yesterday. 

“Who are you?” asked a voice from the across the room. This voice spooked me as I was not expecting anyone to walk in while I was training. This man was much older than Illumi or even Silva. His hair was as white and Silva’s and his stature was hunched. I could feel the potential Nen energy that rippled through his body. 

I bowed deeply to the man. “I-I’m sorry. My name is Y/N and I am following Illumi’s orders.” I didn’t dare look up. With the amount of people I was meeting today, I was starting to get used to introducing myself. 

“Ah, Y/N,” muttered the elderly man. “Illumi’s supposed wife.” I stood up at that assumption. 

“Yes. That’s me.” It took me until now to realize his name. Illumi had told me that his grandfather was out on a mission. This must be him. “Nice to meet you sir.”

“You may call me Zeno. I was expecting no one else to be here to train. Would you mind if I trained beside you?”

“Are you sure? I could go if you want the space.” A Zoldyck master training before my eyes. Maybe I could learn a few more pointers from him. 

“No. You are to become family and it is important to see where your training has come so far.” The old man had a twinkle in his eyes. It was a shining star with everything that has been happening so far.

“Okay,” I said while readying my Nen. I closed my eyes and allowed it to flow from my body. It was all I had learned in the few weeks Illumi had taught me. I was to defend not attack. 

“What’s your Hautzu?” My head cocked once again as I dropped my Nen. “Your Nen type.”

“Oh,” I said, remembering. “I-I think Illumi told me it was transmutation.”

“Illumi hasn’t taught you how to become offensive with Nen?” Zeno questioned. I shook my head. “It is like him to want to teach defense. You need to learn some offense if you want to be a part of this family.” Zeno walked towards me. “Good thing that I am your Nen type. Otherwise, I doubt Illumi would allow you anywhere else.”

“Oh you don’t have to teach me. I have these books. I’ve been practicing.”

“Not enough it seems,” chuckled the elderly man. “How about we surprise Illumi? I’ll teach you transmutation and you tell me about yourself. I think that is a fair trade.”

I looked at the old man with a puzzled look. How was he so friendly while the rest of his family was not? I would think that a master of his caliber would refuse to train someone so weak. Weak enough that Hisoka refused to train me. 

“Come on, Y/N. We have much to learn,” Zeno said. A smile crossed my face as I produced my aura.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the continuous support! I hope this chapter was good. I tried to make Killua at least act like he would. Also, Zeno's back and ready to help the reader! Oh, if you want to see the picture, you can find it here :https://images.app.goo.gl/K5y1g6i53LmCXupG9 Its the one in the show. Again, thank you all!


	17. Fights and Fire

A day has passed since I saw Killua and Illumi left. Zeno hadn’t let me do anything but train. I hadn’t even seen the sunlight as the training ground was only lit by many dim flames. A few had gone out due to the length of time spent training. 

“You must read the attack of the person before they actually attacked,” said Zeno as he stood in position. He’d been attacking me with Nen for hours. I could feel they were weak compared to his power. “Try to see the attack by focusing Nen into your eyes.” 

I wiped some of the sweat off my face. I was doing well enough to dodge any of the attacks. Let alone trying to see them coming. I could only feel three seconds before the attacks hit. I took a deep breath and focused some of my energy into my eyes. I could see some faint wisps of white illuminating from Zeno’s body. 

“I-is that aura?” I panted while gaining my posture once again. 

“Yes, young one. Now try to stop my hand. Push the aura to the spot that I will hit.” His arm attacked. He gave no warning to where he would be attacking. In an instant, I had to guess where he would attack. Given where I saw the most Nen, he would attack with his right hand. I held up my arms in a cross form and sent all my Nen into them. If I was wrong, I could be seriously hurt. 

Zeno’s Nen hit like a train; however, I guessed correctly. I flew back into the wall while shifting my Nen to my back. I had to protect myself. I could feel the crunch of the wall as I hit. I didn’t remember closing my eyes, but I opened them to find myself in a small crater in the wall. After all this time, this was the first real Nen ability that had hit me. Everything else was me protecting myself from Zeno’s normal punches. 

“Great job,” said the elderly man as he watched me climb out of the wall. “You actually defended yourself.”

“Thanks,” I said before collapsing on my knees. 

“Maybe we did go a little too far.”

“No. I feel fine.” I forced my run-down body to stand. Every inch of muscle and bone was screaming for me to stop. But I can’t stop. I can’t have myself so open to attacks. I can’t live at this mansion my whole life. 

Zeno walked a far distance away. “You said you were a transmuter right? I want you to attack me with your Nen. You won’t hurt me. Picture what you think is a strong force and attack me.”

A strong force? What could be something that is strong to attack. My face fell to look at my shaking hands. What forces could I use? It was then, I caught the flicker of a flame above me. The flame danced around the room while casting a shadow in my general direction. I realized that the best attack might be one that was fluid while also being deadly. 

I forced my Nen into my hands and produced a small flame. It was tiny for the amount of Nen I had to give it. The more Nen I gave to my attack, the more vulnerable I felt. Suddenly, I pushed the fire from my hand. I still had it attached to me but the main point held the most Nen.

The fire hit Zeno with a force stronger than I thought would happen. Zeno, as he said, deflected the attack quickly. “Interesting that you would choose to use fire.”

I could feel the Nen force fading from my body. I had used up a lot of aura within the last twenty-four hours. I doubled over with my hands on my knees to try and gain some balance in my self and gain some breath support. “I-I felt like fire was a terrifying force.”

“It is,” nodded Zeno as he walked towards me. “There’s many more things to teach you, but you need rest for today. As long as you know a defensive move and an offensive move, you will be able to practice them both. Illumi only taught you the basics.”

“I only needed the basics if Illumi is here,” I said while coming back to a standing position. “If he’s here then he said he’d protect me.”

Zeno’s eyes narrowed. “Illumi won’t always be there.” He stares intensely at me as if I had done something wrong. “I think Illumi has some explaining to do when he gets home. You need to learn how to be a Zoldyck if you are to carry the name onto next generations.”

“You mean children?” I ask a little surprised. “W-we haven’t really discussed any of that yet.”

“Of course you haven’t. Illumi would only tell you things that he wants to tell you. Now go and get some rest. You can always come get me for training if I am here.” Zeno starts walking towards the door with his hands behind his back. “Also, tell Illumi that we need to have a chat when he returns.” 

“I will. Thank you, Zeno,” I said with a small smile.   
\-------------------------------------------------------  
One shower, meal, and nap later, I finally feel rested and like myself. I was continuing to read my second book on Nen when I could feel power resurging deep within the house. Something was happening and a gut feeling told me that it had something to do with Illumi. I put down my book and walked outside the room. 

I followed the feeling of strong Nen until there was a door that seemed too strong to be opened by me. It was a steel door with a thick lock. However, I could feel the power and bloodlust still from the outside. There must be someone in there with a desire to kill. 

I couldn’t move the door so I decided to wait. Waiting had become so ingrained in my thought process that it became a part of my life. I was always waiting on Illumi like a little puppy dog waiting for its master. Machi would pity me. 

The door swung open with a resounding squeak. It was Illumi coming up from stairs that lead deep into the mansion. A far crevasse that seemed bleak and bare. “What are you doing here?” said Illumi. His voice held a hint of vile and excitement. I felt terrified to even be near him. 

“I was looking for you,” I said as confidently as I could muster. I knew my mind lied to me about how confident I sounded. “I heard something and wanted to make sure you were okay.”

The malicious look within his eyes slightly softened. I don’t think he was expecting me to say that. “Let’s go back. We have a mission that’s going to take awhile. I’ll explain on the ride there.”

“We-?” My voice was tentative and shy. Was Illumi really going to take me on a mission? Illumi had already reached the turning point in the hallway when I finally realized that I should’ve been following him much sooner. 

“Yes, this one is going to be exceptionally long and I need you to come with me.” Illumi’s stride didn’t cease. I arrived back in the room and Illumi was already packing a bag for me. “You need to get everything that you’d need incase we do not return.” 

“What do you mean?” I ask while taking the bag from Illumi. “I need an explanation or I am not going.”

Illumi stopped grabbing some of the items he thought I would need and turned towards me. His eyes had the same malice and excitement as before. A terrifying mixture for an already terrifying man. “You will do what I say. Remember, you are still mine. I might give you freedoms but you’re still mine.”

My breath caught in my throat. My mind was transported back to the cell from a month ago. While I was not chained, I could still feel them wrapped so tightly around my wrists that they chaffed. My wrists still scarred from the chains dragging across the worn skin every day. “I-I know,” I said. My hand clamped tightly to the sore spot. “But can you please answer me. I need to know.”

“I’ll explain everything while we’re on the ship. Trust me, this is the best thing to happen to us. All of us and it’s my job to get him back.” 

I didn’t dare ask anymore questions. Illumi was a menace when he wasn’t in this state. This mission must be worth a lot if he wasn’t even going to return home for a long time. I packed up a few more things before going to the airship.

Illumi’s bloodlust was still present even after take-off. I watched as the Zoldyck mansion became smaller through the window. Would this be the life of a Zoldyck? Going from one mission to the next until we die? All of it seemed too much to handle. 

I gave Illumi some space to calm down while I picked up the book on Nen once again. My heart ached for more training that could’ve been accomplished if I had stayed. I might never get the same training again. 

The sky was turning a deep black before Illumi had seemed to return to his normal self or as much of his normal self that he could. He sat across from me at the table that I chose. I couldn’t tell if he decided to sit next to me because I seemed distant or that he wanted to actually be near me. In fact, I couldn’t tell anything anymore. I thought we were making progress but I guess we weren’t. 

“Father told me you practiced with grandpa,” Illumi said after a long, uncomfortable pause. 

“I did,” I said while turning the page. 

Another pause loomed through the air. “Did you learn something?”

“You’re asking me questions?” I ask. I tilt the book down so I could look at him. A few tears escaped my eyes. I only noticed the tears once they clouded my vision while reading. 

“Yes. We can trade question for question.” Illumi ignored my response. He might’ve thought they were happy tears at the prospect of being allowed to do something I so desperately longed for. Instead, they were the tears of the days spent in the pit. I had almost forgotten the fear due to time. He wouldn’t understand that.

I put the book down while marking my page. “Okay, questions.” I wiped a few of my tears away. I hated that the response to fear is sadness. Tears show a weakness that I’m not ready to give. “Yes, I learned something new with Zeno. Where are we going?”

“To follow Killua. What did you learn?”

“Things you refused to teach me with Nen. Why are we following Killua?”

“Because he has control over the most powerful thing in existence. What did you learn?”

“Transmutation techniques. Is that the sister you never told me that you had?”  
“I don’t have a sister.”

“Then who is she?”

“It’s my question,” Illumi said. “Are you afraid of me?”

“Yes. Who is she?”

“Alluka. The second youngest sibling. Why?”

“Because you chained me up,” I said. I could feel myself becoming hotter with anger. My voice rose slightly with each question. “And I’m not property. Yes, you took me but that doesn’t mean anything.”

“But you’re my wife.”

“You never asked me. You assumed I would go along until there was no other option. I was stuck with this role. You forced me into this role. Plus I’m not your wife. If anything, I am only a girlfriend. We would have to make this official.”

“Would you want to make this official?”

“It’s my question,” I say. Heat rose within my body. I could even feel my own bloodlust within the expanse of the surrounding area. “If she’s a Zoldyck then why did you keep her from me?”

Even though I was getting angier, Illumi stayed as calm as ever. He might’ve been even more calm than I’ve seen him in awhile. “I didn’t tell you about him because he was not important. Now he is. How many kids would you like to have?”

Illumi’s question threw me off. It was so out of left field that it made me stutter. “What?”

“How many kids do you want?”

“I don’t want to talk about kids right now,” I said. 

“But you have to answer. I’ve answered all your questions and you’ve rarely answered any of mine.”

“Then you know how it feels.”

Illumi paused for a moment. I could tell his mind was thinking once again. “I was thinking three or four.”

“Why are you still talking about kids?”

“Hisoka said that I should try to be a little honest with you. We have a big mission and I want to have something to look forward to after we have Killua under our control once again.”

I scrunched up my face and sighed. “Can we discuss this more tomorrow? I’m feeling tired from today’s events. I want to go to bed.”

“That’s fine,” he said as if it didn’t phase him. “Would you like me to join you?”

I stood up from the seat to go to the bed part of the airship. I couldn’t tell if his comment was meant for sleeping or for sex. I didn’t want him to join for either. “No.” My voice was quiet. I felt conflicted on whether I truly didn’t want him to join me to sleep; however, he didn’t touch me or allow me to touch him after sex. He slept on one part and I on the other. I didn;t have much protest before because I wanted to sleep. Tonight was different. I wanted him to hold me and apologize but I knew he wouldn’t. That is why I said no. 

Illumi didn’t follow me as I got my restless night of sleep in the air. This mission was going to be hard on both of us. I could feel it in my soul.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was a long one compared to the others. Plus its like 2 in the morning when I'm finishing this. Hopefully this one was good. Nen is much harder to write than I thought! More to come soon enough! Machi will be returning very, very soon.


	18. Spiders and Coffee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! I would recommend keeping up with the manga if you want to keep up with the story. In a few chapters, there's going to be huge manga spoilers. This one has a little bit!

The sun from a window shone directly on my face as a wake-up call from the sky. While I knew I slept awhile, my aching head didn’t think so. My eyes felt as tired as they did when I was asleep. 

I went for a quick walk in the airship to get some type of air into my lungs. One thing that I wanted was coffee. I’d seen it advertised on the dinning board the night before. It sounded heavenly this morning which is why I went to search it out. 

I had only one cup of coffee when Illumi walked into the room. My vision changed to the lukewarm liquid in my cup. I could feel the weight shift as Illumi sat across from me once again. We were in the same place as the night before; however, we felt so far. The ocean of questions had returned. 

“I’m thinking of joining the Phantom Troupe,” said Illumi to break the silence. I remember that name from September. They were the people that attacked York New and killed many. There were still signs asking for their capture around the city. The leader’s face was plastered all over. The city was shut down for weeks after the attack as we rebuilt and gained control. My job was put on hold and the city had a lull in activity. 

“Why would you join them?” I ask while taking a sip of coffee. 

“We have a common enemy. Plus, they’re closer than you know.”

“What would I be doing while you rampage another city?”

“I think you need to have a chat with Machi. You two have plenty to discuss. We’ll be landing at a town outside of Meteor City.” When he said my friend's name, I finally looked at him. Weirdly enough, he seemed as though he didn’t get enough sleep. Illumi lives on the fact that he doesn’t sleep. During the time I’d lived with him, he’d always fall asleep after me and wake up before or he didn’t sleep at all. It was almost inhuman the amount of sleep he did not need. Yet he was tired. 

“Do you want some coffee?” I ask while handing him my cup. While I had drunk a lot of it, there was a little left. Illumi furrowed his brows. “I can get more.” I shrug and push the cup closer to him. Illumi took the cup and drank it down. 

It was a silent moment of calmness. My hand absentmindedly brushed my hair behind my ears while looking out the window. The pale blue sky had very few clouds that passed through it. The day would be beautiful. 

“Might I ask why I need to call Machi?” I ask. My eyes still transfixed to the pale blue sky. A small crowd of birds flew next to the airship. Their pattern seemed almost haphazard and confusing to my eyes; except I knew it wasn’t. They had a plan that I couldn’t see. Each of these beautiful creatures had a plan that I could never know. They reminded me of what was happening. 

I could feel the pull of Illumi’s chair as he stood up. Without warning, he placed a newly refilled cup of coffee in front of me and sat back down. When I returned to look at him, he had his own cup. A smile crossed my face as I took a sip from the warm liquid. 

“She’s a part of the troupe,” replied Illumi. “Kalluto told me all the members' names when he joined.” I set my coffee down even though I fully wanted to drop it. 

“No. Machi would never join such a terrible group. She’s too nice for that.”

“She’s third in line. Well third in number. She was part of the original group. There’s a reason your friend didn’t want to talk about jobs or employment. Machi would play it off as just enjoyment but she was part of this group.” Illumi paused to take another sip. “In fact, she’s a founding member.”

My blood ran cold. No. Machi wouldn’t be lying to me. I’d known her for so many years. I knew she didn;t have that great a life before but she wasn’t a thief. She couldn’t be. Yet, it filled in the missing information she refused to tell me like why she was always gone on business and why she would tell me quickly when she would return. 

“I want to find this out for myself,” I said while taking my phone from my pocket. I called her. The phone rang and rang until I was told to leave a message. Rather than follow the call’s pre-recorded message, I hung up. A few more times of calling lead to the same result. Finally, I settled on a text. It read: Hey, I think we need to talk. 

“Add that it's about Spiders,” Illumi said while finally standing up. “Once we reach the ground, I’ll have a job for you. I’ll tell you closer to time. Until then, I want you to make contact with Machi. Find a time to meet and a place.”

I quickly added that second part. “Illumi,” I called out. “You really should rest.” He stopped for a moment and picked up the half-drank coffee. “If this is about yesterday, then know it's because I’m not like you. All of this is a lot for me. I’m not used to leaving at will.”

Rather than respond, my phone rang. It was Machi. By the time I looked back up, Illumi had already disappeared. I shook my head and answered the phone. 

“What do you know about spiders?” asked the girl on the other line. Her voice seemed a lot more stressed than I’d ever heard. She was almost shouting into the phone. 

“You could have started with a hello,” I joked nervously. I’d never been this nervous to talk to her. Conversation had always flowed easily between us. Everything was new ground.

“I’m not here for jokes. What do you know and how did you know it. Was it Hisoka?”

“No. It wasn’t. I have some things I need to tell you too. I’m headed towards Meteor City. Would you like to meet up and chat.”

“Y/n, I swear if this is a prank, we’re done being friends.” Her voice had the same anger as Illumi’s. It was like when she was speaking to Hisoka before: aggressive and invasive. 

“This isn’t,” I say while holding my head. I ran my hand through my hair and sighed. “Trust me. I have been as honest as you. I really need answers and if the only way I’m going to get them is through you, then so be it.”

Machi sighed too. “Are you being blackmailed?”

“Yes and no. It’s complicated. I’ll explain when I arrive. Is there a coffee shop or some place that I can meet you when I land?”

There was a pause on the other side of the phone. “I’ll text you. I’ll have to tell the rest of the troupe who I’m meeting. They don’t like disturbances. We could have to meet late at night.” There was another pause. “Y/N if you’re in trouble, please stay safe. There’s a lot of things you don’t know in the world.”

I know a lot more than you think Machi is what I wanted to say. Instead, I settled on, “I will” and hung up. I held the phone tight to my chest. How will I be able to trust her again? All this life changing information that keeps coming at me, and I’m concerned with how it will turn out. Is this the life of an assassin? I finished my cup of coffee and went back to my room to try and process all the information given to me.   
\----------------------------------------------------------------  
A few more hours had passed since we’d landed in a small town next to the forgotten wasteland called Meteor City. Illumi decided to take me to a small cafe to discuss what he has planned for me. It’s as close to a date as we’ve gotten. 

“So, the plan starts with us splitting up for a bit,” said Illumi after we sat down. I had ordered something small because Machi had wanted to meet me at a crowded restaurant later in the night so that it’s less conspicuous. 

“You’re leaving me?” I ask a little confused. 

“Only for a little bit. Think of it as a trust exercise. Father told me that you’d learned how to use Nen for offense. I think it’s time to put it all to use.”

“What am I supposed to do?” A mission given to me by an assassin? All of this didn’t seem real. As a child, I’d always thought of secret missions as an exciting adventure. Now that I have the opportunity, I’m terrified. 

“Your goal is to get me in as one of the spiders. Machi will most likely introduce you to the troupe. Don’t be scared. Kalluto and Machi will protect you to the best of their ability. Plus, they don’t kill members. I need to be on their side for a mission.”

I pause to collect my thoughts. “So,” I said after a moment. “My job is to talk you up to Machi’s boss.”

“Yes.”

“What if I refuse?”

“You won’t,” Illumi said with a smirk on his face. “You can’t refuse. Otherwise, I take you home and lock you back in that room until you learn to behave.”

“I’m not a dog,” I growled. My voice raises enough to attract some attention from people at the diner. We stay quiet for a moment until they return back to their conversation. 

“I know. You are my wife- er- girlfriend and you are to protect and care for your hus-boyfriend.” Illumi’s choice of words confused me. Did our fight actually change some of his wording? Was that why he didn’t sleep well or at all? 

His comments threw me off enough to give me time to think. “Fine,” I sighed. “If it comes up then I’ll tell them to have you join.” The preppy waitress came back to give us our food and refill the drinks. “What mission do you need to join the troupe for?” I ask while digging into my food. 

“Hisoka challenged me to a job. If I kill him, I gain a lot of money. If he kills me, then it's fair. We agreed that one of us would kill the other. It’s part of our relationship.”

“What if he kills you?” I ask a little too quickly. My heart sped up in my chest. Illumi could die from this deal then I am left with nothing. All this build up for no pay off. I’d be left alone with so much information and a black hole where my life should’ve continued. 

“That’s why I sped up meeting you. I, at least, wanted to meet you before that would happen.” Illumi took a bite of his food. 

I shook my head. “No. This isn’t fair. Y-you can’t die. T-that’s not okay.”

“I won’t. Now, you’ll need to get me in with the spiders. That’s why it’s your job.” I suddenly didn’t feel hungry anymore. All of this was to help protect Illumi in case Hisoka did find a time to attack. There was so much pain in my heart it was almost crippling. 

I pushed my food away. “I-I’ll do it. I’ll talk to Machi about you joining.”

“No. You need to talk to Chrollo.” Illumi reached over the table and picked up my head from it’s downcast state. I looked across the table at him. “Machi isn’t the leader. Chrollo is. However, the rest of the team has a say. I want to take over a member’s position that has passed away.”

“I’ll try,” I mumble. “What are you going to be doing while all of this is going on?”

Illumi finished the rest of his meal. “I’ll be trying to find my brother. Killua and Alluka can’t be too far away. I’ll return in a week unless I tell you otherwise.” The waitress came back and we paid. I looked down at the clock. It was getting late and I had another engagement to attend. One that would be just as hard as this one.   
\-----------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Illumi walked me until a block away from the restaurant. I felt scared and alone for the first time in so long. He wasn’t going to be there to protect me. I had to rely on my judgement when it comes to Nen. I was truly going to be alone. 

“I won’t walk you further,” said Illumi as he suddenly stopped. “You can tell her everything. You need someone to talk to even when it’s not me.” 

I could feel a few tears run down my cheeks as I turned to look at Illumi. His eyes held the same sadness even though to an outsider, it wouldn’t seem like it. I gave a small smile while wiping my cheeks. Without another word, I kissed him. This would be the last time that we would see each other for the longest duration. He was thrown off as it was unexpected. 

“Stay safe, for me,” I mumbled while still close enough to feel his breath on my face. 

“Y-you too,” he stuttered. He never stutters. I must’ve really thrown him for a loop. I smile and kiss him one more time before turning to go. I had to leave or I might not be able to actually go. I had a mission and I wasn’t going to let Illumi down. Now, I have to overcome the worst: talking to my best friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all once more! This one was more talking than usual. Super hyped for the Spiders because they're coming and they're coming fast.


	19. A Spider's Web

The restaurant was a crowded mess of customers, waitstaff, bussers, people waiting, and many more. It was the perfect place for conversations to get lost in the noise. Dishes clinked together, parties were being thrown, and many drunk people shouting at their friends from across the bar. No wonder Machi picked this restaurant. It was perfect. 

I didn’t see her yet so I grabbed an open table at the bar rather than wait out in the open. I was a little early too. Machi arrived twenty minutes late. I’d received a text earlier in the day that she would be a little late. I’d been sipping on my jack and coke the entire time. I didn’t want to be drunk for the conversation but maybe a bit tipsy. 

Machi, on the other hand, ordered a simple water. The tension between us was palpable. The waitress just placed a second drink for me and her water and left. Machi sighed while I took another drink. Our game of who would talk first was getting a little embarrassing. 

“Y/N, what happened? What’s going on? Why do you know about my line of work?” Once Machi starts talking, she sometimes doesn’t stop. Maybe this was how Illumi felt with my line of questioning. 

I took another sip in hopes that the alcohol would reach my body faster. “Well, it started at the bar you dragged me to last time you were in town-.” Once I started, I had to finish. I didn’t want to leave out any detail. I told her about being kidnapped, about the Zoldycks, about Illumi’s and me, and I told her about the mission. Everything spilled out at once. My mouth refused to shut. All the feelings that I kept bottled deep down within me due to Illumi’s lack of voice rang out like a siren. 

Machi, rather than react, sipped on her drink. I knew she was paying attention due to the small nods she’d give me throughout. Once I was done, she finished the last bit of her water and sighed once again. “Let me get this straight,” she said while placing her glass at the end of the small table. “You’re supposed to be Illumi’s wife because he told you that you were and instead of calling me or the police, you decided to stay.”

“My phone was taken away while I was officially kidnapped,” I mumbled. “The first time I got it back was when I texted you to meet up.”

The pink haired girl leaned back in the seat. “Makes sense. I was going to see if any of my troupe would want to help me out in finding your location. It’s not like you to not text me.”

“That’s why Hisoka was following us. Illumi had an urgent mission that required his attention.”

“No wonder that son of a bitch wouldn’t tell me anything. Truly, I thought he was following me.”

I chuckled a bit. “So you’re with the spiders?”

“Yeah,” she sighed. The kind waitress came back to refill drinks and see if we wanted anything to eat. Machi shooed her away. “They’re like my second family. I originated from Meteor City so I knew all the crew. We decided to become a team when we realized that life could be a lot more fun if we were filthy rich and had a lot of power.”

“Is it?”

“Yeah. It’s nice. Plus we’re kinda close. We all have a job to do and follow our boss.”

I nod my head while finishing my drink. The effects are starting to hit me a bit. Just enough of a fuzzy brain to feel as though all of her words make sense. “Illumi sent me on a mission.”

“I was surprised that he’d let you out of his sight. He seemed pretty controlling when I saw him awhile ago. I don’t sense anyone watching us.”

“Yeah,” I muttered. “It seems to be a learned behavior.”

“Well what’s your mission. Maybe I can help.” Machi leaned in close so that if anyone was listening, they wouldn’t be able to hear over the noise. “Or help you escape if that’s what you want.”

I paused for a moment. Did I want to escape? Machi was giving me an out. Out of anyone, she could help me; however, it might be the alcohol but I didn’t. “No, just the mission is fine. I’m supposed to convince your boss to let Illumi join the spiders.”

Machi sat back in her chair. “Illumi wants to join my group. Why?”

“He said you all have a common enemy. Don’t ask who it is, I don’t know. I’m to convince you and your boss to let him join. I don’t know why he sent me. Illumi could’ve persuaded your boss himself. 

Machi looked up and down me. “I know why he sent you to talk with Chrollo. Really you don’t want to talk with him. Illumi shouldn’t have sent you. This mission will be a failure. We already have Kalluto. A second family member might not be that great for our brand. We’re not in his line of business.” She was being cautious of her words. Grabbing too much attention could hurt our chance of staying hidden. “What even makes you want to do this for him after everything he’s done to you?”

I thought for a moment. During this break, the waitress brought our check. I was the only one that bought something but Machi picked up the tab and paid. She’s rarely paid for me due to our work and play life to be separate. 

“I guess it has to do with some good that’s deep down within him. It’s the quiet moments that are the best. I can tell he needs me even if he says he doesn’t. While he isn’t the best guy or the best talker or the most compassionate, there’s something there. It’s..” My thoughts drop off for a moment. “It's the small gestures. He’s trying even when it’s hard for him.”

A busboy came by to pick up the empty glasses. Machi finally stood up. “You know, I asked why you’re helping him, not why you’re falling for him. He hasn't passed my approval yet but I hope you know what you’re doing.”

“I’m not falling for him,” I say while following her out of the restaurant. “Also where are we going?”

“Yeah sure you aren’t falling for him. You just slept with him many, many times and miss him dearly.” Machi continued to walk out of the restaurant and down the street. She was dodging through the random people that were walking through town. I follow suit. “I’m taking you to see my boss. While I don’t think it’s a good idea, you’re already in too deep for me to convince you otherwise.”

I could feel the heat on my cheeks as I quickly ran after her. “Oh so we can just meet the boss. We don't have to make an appointment or anything.”

“Oh no. We’re meeting Chrollo and the rest of the gang too.” I almost misstepped. I could feel goosebumps running up my spine. Meeting the rest of the Troupe was not my goal. All I wanted was to talk to the boss then maybe get to hang out with Machi until Illumi picked me up. This was way out of my paygrade and Illumi had better reward me. 

\------------------------------------------------------  
Meteor city was more desolate than I imagined. A lot of buildings were run down or demolished. Only a few structures seemed like they were built well. One of the more run down buildings, Machi went into. I followed closely behind. 

“Machi brought a friend,” a voice from behind me. I jumped a little and turned around. However, I didn’t see anyone. 

“Cut it out Feitan,” Machi said without turning around. 

“I thought we shouldn’t have outsiders because of the last time,” said the voice again. I turned towards where it was coming from and again was met with nothing. I walked a little faster to keep up with Machi. 

“This isn’t like last time. I know who I bring into the safe place. Plus we’re not staying here long. She barely knows Nen and has a mission. Is Chrollo here?” From the shadows came a short man. He had most of his face covered by a collar that led into his jacket. He was carrying an umbrella even though it wasn’t raining. 

“He’s here. He wasn’t left.”

“Good.” Machi only stopped for a second. We went into another part of the building. This one has a little bit more put together. It had tall ceilings that reached so far up, I doubt anyone had cleaned them in years. Inside, sat multiple people. They were either playing a card game, polishing some old weapons, or looking at old paperwork. 

“Chrollo, I have someone to talk with you,” said Machi while grabbing my arm. She pushed me further into the center of the room. Every cell in my body screamed for me to leave. All these terrifying people were looking at me. Every one of them could kill me in a second. My only solace was Machi and Kalluto standing far away in the corner. 

The man holding the old-ish papers set them down on top of some wooden boxes. The guy from earlier grabbing them quickly and shoving them into a satchel. 

“Machi, you have brought us a friend,” said the man. He was covered in a jacket that exposed his torso. Every inch of his chest was shown for the world to see. His jacket had some old feathers that were worn down from use. His hair was slicked back to the point that grease was shimmering off of it. The main focal point was the inverted cross on his forehead. This was Chrollo, the boss of the Phantom Troupe. 

Chrollo walked up to me. Instead of talking or introducing himself, he walked around me. Machi had let go of my arm without me realizing it. It was as if I was sitting prey and a shark swam around me. “What’s your name?”

“Y/N,” I responded as Chrollo had finished his lap. He stopped right in front of me. “My name is Y/N.”

“Y/N.” On his tongue, my name felt like a fly trap. “Beautiful name to fit a beautiful girl. You know Machi?”

“Yes,” I responded. “We’ve been friends for years.”

“I’m guessing you're the girl that disappeared for awhile. She was about to employ a few members in her quest to find you.”

“I-I haven’t been missing that long. Plus I’m found alive and well.” Chrollo, instead of talking, looked me up and down once again. I could get a taste that he found something interesting within me. Something that I didn’t know was there. It was almost embarrassing. 

“Hmm,” said Chrollo while turning around and going back to his seat. I look around to notice the rest of the members staring at us as if this all was a show. “I’m guessing you want something. However I won’t hear it yet. Stay enjoy the troupe. We’ll revisit your query in a few days.” He flashed a showy smile that felt more like a rabid dog showing its teeth than a human’s smile. “I want to get to know you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're deep in it now. Hopefully you've enjoyed this chapter. The next one is only going to be with the Troupe. Illumi will return and he'll return with a vengeance. Trust me. Until then thanks for all the Kudos and Comments! They mean so much to me. 
> 
> Also, I thought of doing one shots for HunterxHunter on my days off of writing this story. I can't promise I'll get to all of them but if you want one, come on over to my tumblr: Write-like-you-mean-it. As of now, I'll stick to HunterxHunter or Fire Emblem: Three Houses. I might open up more if people seem to enjoy my writings and I don't get too busy.


	20. Cards and Heartbeats

Being deep within the spider’s pit was an understatement. I was deep within a group of spiders that would consume my very flesh if given the opportunity. My heart raced faster and faster like a speeding train. Each and every moment felt surreal. Too surreal to even fathom. Is this what Illumi feels every time he’s in a terrifying situation? If so, it’s intoxicating. Control is what they want and I can give it to them. 

Chrollo sat on his throne of old, messed up boxes like a king who ruled his castle. Everything belonged to him. The outwardly feeling that Illumi refused to give off. His power was all-consuming and ever present. I had forgotten that Machi was there until her arm brushed against mine as she leaned in to say “watch out for Chrollo. He’s a good guy but he’s like us.” The pink-haired girl was as cryptic as ever; however, I knew what she meant. 

“How about I show you around,” she stated a little louder. Her voice gained attention from the rest of the troupe. Blank expressions mixed with sickly-sweet smiles ran across the group’s faces. 

“No,” interrupted the man on the throne. “I’ll do it. It’s only appropriate for a guest to be introduced by me.” My eyes flickered to Machi’s. She did this on purpose. It was a ploy to get me closer to him, and it seemed like it worked. 

The boss mumbled a few things to one of the people sitting next to him and stood up again. Boxes creaked with the lack of his weight. He walked up to me once again. All the breath in my lungs tightened in a fearful clutch. My heartbeat was pulsing so fast that I could feel it within my ears. 

“In case Machi didn’t say, I am Chrollo Lucilfer.” Rather than holding out a hand, he flashed another of his smiles. “I am the leader of this team. We’re called the Phantom Troupe.”

“I-I know,” I stuttered out. “I saw your wanted posters in York New.” 

The flashing smile left his lips for a second. “You must live in York New. Our pictures weren’t up long before I had the troupe take them down. You didn’t come here to hunt us right?”

The powerful Nen could be felt from a mile away. He was becoming angry with a hint of bloodlust mixed within. York New was a touchy subject with him. I took note of his distine for my home. ‘No,” I respond. “I’m not here for that reason. I’m here for Machi.” I lied. A simple lie mixed with a hint of truth. 

Chrollo softened his Nen. “Good,” he said. Even in anger or fear, he was in control over everything. He started walking towards a corner of the room where a group was gathered playing cards. My eyes looked towards Machi as she had turned toward another group of her co-workers. I was left alone. 

Alone was the wrong word. I still had the gaze of a quiet Kalluto who stayed deep within a corner. He rarely interacted with any of the members from what I could see. He pointed towards the boss as if it was a warning. My head turned to see the boss was waiting on me. I followed quickly behind him. 

“This is Shalnark, Bonolenov, Franklin, and Phinks,” said Chrollo. Each member either raised or nodded their head in agreement when their name was called. Only one actually said “hi.” It was the blonde boy named Shalnark. His happy smile seemed out of place compared to the rest of the somber team. “This is Y/N,” he finished while putting his hand on the small of my back and pushing me forward.

My balance was thrown off by the quick touch. Shivers ran up my spine as I felt the cold, calculating fingers touched me. I hadn’t been touched in so long since Illumi rarely used physical contact as a way of showing affection. “Uhm..” I said with a little fear. “Yeah that's who I am. Nice to meet you all.”

“Is she here to replace-?” asked the man wrapped in mummy-like cloth. 

“No!” added the blonde boy. “she‘s much too weak to even try and join. Her Nen isn’t even visible.”

“I have Nen,” I say, a little defensive. While I knew it wasn’t strong, I could still fight. “I’m just inexperienced.” Again, I could feel the boss’s eyes look over me once again. Did I have bloodlust? I know I’m not using Nen but was my anger too much to control? No. He’s just eyeing me up like a prize. 

“Maybe we can spar later on,” suggested the collared man as he came out of the shadows. His voice was more montoned and breathy than Illumi’s. I think Machi mentioned that his name was Feiten. His short stature didn’t deter me from refusing to fight. I knew I’d lose even if I tried. I would take one step and he’d be three ahead. 

“No, no,” I said while backing away. Fear made me run into Chrollo. I turned back to apologize but he was already moving onto the next group. “Feiten, don’t scare my guest. She’ll fight you if she pleases. I, on the other hand, would love to see your power in action.”

My eyes flickered once again to my friend. This time, she was watching from afar. Machi shook her head as a sign of refusal. I should not show Chrollo my power. As we walked to the next group, I wondered more about this man. Why was he so powerful that even Machi wouldn’t let me show my weak power? What was up with this man?  
\-----------------------------------------------  
It was becoming late when I could slip away to talk to Kalluto alone. Most of the members joined in a large game of B.S. The only ones that were not playing were Chrollo, Feiten, Kalluto and I. After Chrollo introduced me to everyone, he apologized for leaving because he had a lot of work to do. 

“Hey,” I said while sinking into the shadows. “Is this where you’ve been?”

Kalluto, the man of little words, looked up to me. “I have been here. Illumi told me of your goal. Interesting that he would allow you to come here.”

“I didn’t want to come here.”

“I know.”

“You’re the one that told Illumi about Machi coming to find me. That’s why I got to see her.”

Kalluto sighed while taking another step back. He knew that our conversation was not for the troupe to hear. I followed suit but I knew I couldn’t be gone for long. Ever since I arrived at the mansion, I knew when eyes were watching me. I knew even more that Chrollo wanted to have me wrapped tightly around his finger. For what purpose had yet to be decided. 

“You’re right. Machi said your name, and it would become too complicated at that moment for us to be looking for you.” Kalluto took out his fan in hopes of blocking some mouth movement. He must know that the members would be gossiping if they saw us. Or worse, hear us. 

“I’m going to finish my mission. I did want to say that it was nice to see you. You were the first friendly face I found at that place.” I paused for a moment. “Also, I met Killua and your sister. They seemed nice. If anything, a little worried about my safety.”

“Killua took Alluka?” asked Kalluto. He seemed almost shocked by that statement. I must’ve said something wrong. There was so much tension within the Zoldyck family that it was hard to come up with each members’ feelings about the other on the spot. 

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled while silking out of the darkness. I joined the card game as if nothing had happened. I became a spectator of the group in hopes to gain some sort of pact or alliance. This game was going to go late into the night and stakes were getting higher and higher every second.  
\----------------------------------------------------------------

The ground isn’t the best place to sleep. The nights were starting to get colder due to the weather changing once again. Machi let me use one of the blankets that was stored within a box. All other members had small cots or sleeping bags. None let me borrow them. My old warmth was the body heat stored deep within. 

A few hours of little sleep and tossing and turning made me decide to take a walk around the building. I wanted to get fresh air for the first time in a long time. Kalluto was fast asleep so I knew there would be no black eyes watching me. I wiped some crusted over sleep from my eyes and went for a midnight stroll. 

As I was climbing an old fire escape outside the building, a familiar voice called out to me. “You should be getting sleep.” The voice made me stop in my tracks. It was Chrollo. I turn to look at him. Instead of wearing the same clothes as before, he changed into what looked like sweatpants and a basic black shirt. Grease was scrubbed clean from his hair. Instead of looking like a boss, he looked normal, almost handsome. 

“Uhm - yeah. I couldn’t sleep.” My heart sped up with every word and my feet carried me the rest of the way. Chrollo followed behind. Instead of talking, we looked out across the desolate land called Meteor City. We both leaned on the creaky fire escape landing. The fear of falling hadn’t crossed my mind until a massive sound rang from the old metal. 

“Sleeping in a new location is always tough. Especially with the likes of us.” His lips spoke a joke in its purest form. There was no awkwardness behind it or malice. The feeling of laughter was almost foreign to me. 

“It’s alright. I’ve had to sleep with worse company.” The thought escaped my lips before my brain had time to register the meaning. No. Illumi wasn’t bad company. He was good and kinda my boyfriend… or husband. Even my mind couldn’t comprehend our relationship.

Everything was too much. Rather than talk, I decide to watch the stars. “They’re beautiful out tonight.”

“Yes,” he said. “You are.” His statement caught me off guard. I turn to look and see that he wasn’t even looking at the stars. Instead, his eyes were locked on mine. I opened my mouth to say something yet nothing would come out. 

I looked down at the chipped red color landing while brushing my hair behind my ears. “Oh, thanks.” I felt compelled to say something back. It was my job to get an in with him. Maybe this is what Illumi meant when he asked me on this mission. No. He didn’t ask. He forced me on this mission. There was no asking in Illumi’s mind. 

“You seem conflicted,” said Chrollo. “If you don’t want to talk, I don’t mind just watching the stars.”

“I-I’m not conflicted,” I said while looking back at him. “I’ve just got a lot on my mind at the moment.”  
“You could tell me. I don’t bite much.” Again, I looked to be prey rather than a person. It was so much different than Illumi’s look. Chrollo was like a lone shark looking for the opportunity to sink its teeth into its prey. Illumi’s was possessive and manipulative. 

“I really can’t,” I say while taking my mind back to the stars. “I might be able to later. But, for now, I want to get to know these people first. I’ll save my query for another day.” A smile crossed my face as I threw his words back at him. 

“Okay,” said Chrollo as he started down the stairs. “I thought I should check up on my guest. Come down when ready. I’ll find you a bed tomorrow to make up for the trouble.”

With that, he was gone. I wanted to beg for him to stay. Unlike Illumi, Chrollo actually wanted to talk. He wanted to discuss things. He wanted to listen to me. He appreciated me. I could still feel my heartbeat pulsing throughout my body. It was stronger and more vibrant than it’s been in many years. 

I gazed back at the beautiful stars with a smile painted deeply across my face that refused to go away. Even if I wanted it to disappear, the smile would stay as long as my heart beat too fast to count and my cheeks felt hot to my touch.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Hopefully I'm writing all these characters enough that you could feel they're slightly cannon. I especially had trouble with Chrollo. Also, sorry this is a little shorter than normal. 
> 
> I've been looking at a lot of HxH memes which led me to tik tok. Truly the best person on there is morallygreyismyfavcolor. She's literally the best and I'd love if you'd check out her Tik Toks. Truly a masterpiece. 
> 
> Also, if you want to suggest a one-shot, I'll be taking some requests on Tumblr or Twitter at write-like-you-mean-it. I'll post them here too and give credit!


	21. Loss and Text Messages

It's been about five days since I’ve met the troupe. The more that I’ve been here, the stronger my relationship was to the rest of the team. Slowly, I was realizing why Machi kept this side to her while also staying so close to them. From what I’d gather, Feitan and Phinks were friends even if they wouldn’t admit it. Shizuku, Kortopi, and Bonolenvo hung out together in a pack. They were quieter but self assured. Shalnark was the extrovert of the group and would travel between the smaller groups. Franklin was a silent giant who seemed more attached to Chrollo and Fetian than anyone else. Lastly, Machi and Nobunaga always seemed to be attached at the hip to each other. Which was quite interesting because for as long as I knew my friend, she had never been interested in any guy that was interested in her. 

Daybreak was the alarm for the team. If you didn’t wake up to the sun, you’d quickly be awoken to the sound of shouting from across the room. Usually it was Phinks who was particularly grumpy in the morning. This particular morning, I realized that it was time to ask Chrollo about Illumi joining the team. 

Weirdly enough, most of my dreams were consumed with thoughts of him. Each day, I found myself looking over the same conversations over text. There wasn’t much material but it was something. Every day, I would send a small message in the hopes that he’d return one. None ever came. 

Instead, Chrollo had taken the place of Illumi. Every night, we’d have a conversation on the balcony. They were always different. One night was Chrollo explaining the constellations of the stars. The next night, he asked me about my job and childhood. Whenever I’d ask him about his past, he’d divert the conversation to anything else. 

Tonight was going to be the night. I’d ask him about the team and tell him about Illumi. I had to. Things were getting desperately serious. Machi was even discussing letting me stay. My mind told me to take the offer. It was the best thing for me; however, something was forcing me to go back. 

We’d been up awhile at this point. A contest to see who could lift the most weight compared to their body size was happening. Machi and I refused to participate. Instead, we sat in the corner to talk. 

“I wish you’d told me about your job earlier. This was a blast,” I said while we watched Kortopi trying to pick up a second box. 

“Was?” she questioned while reclining back. She’d placed some pillows as comfort to make a nice chair. “You’ve decided to actually leave to go back to that monster.”

I was taken aback by her words. “Monster? Illumi isn’t a monster. He’s just a little broken.” 

Machi sighed. “I’ve never seen you defend a guy so adamantly. Everytime you talk about him, it’s always positive. You never talk about the fact he kidnapped you, took you as a slave, forced you into a relationship, never talks to you, makes you go on missions, makes you learn Nen… Shall I continue?”

“I get your point,” I said. “It’s just different. There’s something there. I-I know there’s good within him. “

“You’re going to try to fix him. That’s what happened with your last boyfriend. Instead of letting go, you tried to fix him. Y/N you need to let Illumi go. Even if you wanted to fix him, there’s too much to unpack. Years and years of living with his family.” She looked for a second in both directions. She was keeping a watchful eye out for Kalluto. “He’s only been here for a bit and I can already feel like he needs to prove something.”

“-I know,” I interrupt. “I-I just need to work this out for myself.” Shouting was heard from across the room. Phinks had stacked up ten heavy boxes while Franklin was trying to add more. Shalnark was coxing them on. I shook my head and turned back to Machi. “I promise. If I get hurt, I’ll come back here. As long as they’ll let me.”

Machi smiled and said “If they know what’s good for them.”

Again, the shouting caught both of our attention. Phinks was trying to show off for the rest of the group. It was pretty entertaining. All the members were. “So, you and Nobunaga?” I ask mainly due to wanting the conversation to change. 

“What about him and I?”

“Even if you didn’t want to tell me about your job, you should have told me about your crushes.”

“I don’t have a crush on him,” she defended while finally sitting up. I rolled my eyes. 

“Oh no you don’t. Sure,” I said while holding my hands up. “You could fool me. Even though I’m here, you’ve not left his side.”

“He lost someone close to him. I’m trying to make sure that he’s okay.” She paused for a moment as her eyes turned towards the rest of the team. “We all have. Last September was rough for us.”

I could feel the pain in her voice. I remember last September, Machi going off the deep end for a bit. We rarely talked but I thought it was due to being busy at work. That was the excuse she gave me. While I know she really was busy with this work, there was something else wrong. She would call me crying without much comprehension of words. I sat and listened for hours while she talked until early morning. It wasn’t until the night of the party that she was finally acting like herself. That's why I went. That’s how my drink was spiked and how I ended up here. 

“I’m sorry for your loss,” I said while putting a hand on her shoulder. “I must’ve worried you when I disappeared.”

“Yes you did,” she said while wiping a single stray tear from her eye. “I can’t lose more of them. The people are more like family than anyone else. There was so much I wanted to tell you but couldn’t.”

“At least I know now.” I tried to smile as if to help her. “I’ve met all these people and you can call me whenever to talk.”

She nods her head. I guess a few members had noticed our conversation. Nobonaga called out to Machi; “Hey, come show us up.” Machi patted my head but went to follow. The best part of meeting the troupe was finally being able to see my best friend happy once again.  
\-------------------------------------------------------------------

I waited to go out to the landing until I was sure every single person was asleep. This time, I took a blanket as I knew it was going to be a long talk, and I wanted to be prepared. Time passed until Chrollo finally found me. He’d snuck out with Feitan earlier to go run some errands. He arrived back at the bunker as the competition was ending. 

“You seem to like the stars,” said Chrollo. I heard the clanking of metal as he climbed the rickety stairs. 

“I could say the same for you,” I said while feeling my heart quicken. It only happened when Chrollo was talking with me. I wish I could make it stop. 

“They are beautiful. Plus, they’re always better with good company.” 

“Do you like flirting with your subordinate’s friends?” I chuckled while turning my attention to him. 

Chrollo’s eyes flickered while a slight smirk lay on his lips. Instead of standing far away from me. He decided to stand close enough that our shoulders almost touched. “Do you like flirting with your friend’s boss?”

I could feel heat rising in my cheeks. “I-I’m not flirting with you,” I stutter. “I’m just talking. We’re having a conversation. That’s all this is.”

“You wouldn’t keep coming up to this fire escape in the hopes that I would talk to you if you truly just wanted conversation.”  
I had to turn away as every inch of my face felt hot. I bit my lip to try and silence any thought that would come to my head. ‘I’m doing this for Illumi,’ my brain repeated. It became a mantra because I had to say it so much. “I come up here to see the stars. I haven’t been able to see them in so long.”

“Why?”

“I’ve been a little bit busy.” I wanted to say that ‘d been chained and couldn’t leave, but that was too much for him to handle. “Machi told me you lost a member. I’m sorry for your loss.”

Chrollo leaned more onto the post. “We lost two. One was my own fault.”

“That can’t be true,” I said while turning to him. 

“It was. I was a little tied up. She chose to save me over her own life.” Chrollo turned to look at the stars. “I tried to make this group to continue even if I was gone. I was not the head but another leg. Everyone was needed to function; however, I must’ve not presented that well enough. A life for a life.”

“I see,” I said. We fell into the same silence as I did regularly with Illumi. I felt so comfortable that it made my heart ache. My thoughts ran wild with the possibilities of how Illumi could be doing. “How did Kalluto join?” I realized my mistake as I was not to make it known that I knew the Zoldycks. “He said that he joined recently.”

“I’m not sure,” Chrollo said. “He’s been here for a short while. I was gone when he joined. In fact, he replaced Hisoka. Machi told me that you two had met before.”

“That’s what she meant when she said he was a work friend. You trusted him here? To be a part of the troupe?”

Chrollo sighed. “He defeated the past member. He had a right to join the group. He was also a lapse in judgment. Which is why our battle will be coming up soon.”

“You’re going to fight Hisoka?” I ask, a little surprised. “Why?”

“We have a lot of unfinished business to attend to. I only have a few more steps then I feel prepared. Unless you have an exceptional Nen ability.”

I shook my head. “I just know it from books. I rarely have had a chance to train. I won’t be good in a fight.”

“I bet you’d be wonderful,” said Chrollo. I could feel the heat rising once again. I wished that Illumi would say this to me. I’d be so much easier to push through the harsh workout regiment if he could give some love or say a compliment. 

“I can promise that I am not. Thank you though.”

“Machi told me that you had a question for me. I think you’ve spent enough time with us to understand the dynamic of our team.”

“What hasn’t Machi told you?” I question. I was becoming concerned that she would’ve mentioned Illumi. 

“That was all she said.” Good. 

“It has to do with joining. Do you have slots open?”

“If you’re wanting to join, you might need to fight one of the members-”

“-No” I interrupt. “I love it here but I’m better as a guest. I’d rather come and go when I please. You can think of me as a contractor. I was actually inquiring about someone else.”

“Ah,” said Chrollo. “I should have known. A girl as beautiful as you would be taken.”

“Y-you know?” I ask. 

“I could see it in your eyes when you talked about the someone else. It’s almost the same glimmer you get when I compliment you. Interesting that you haven’t mentioned him before in all our night talks.”

“He-I- Our relationship is complicated,” I mumble. Complicated seemed like a lie. Our relationship wasn’t complicated. It was straightforward and messy. It was a push and pull. It was the quiet silence before a hurricane. It was complicated. 

“I see.” He runs his hand through the messy hair. “If you want to uncomplicate yourself, I will still be here. Metaphorically speaking that is. We do move around from mission to mission. You can always talk to Machi or you can have my number directly.” Chrollo pulls out my phone from his pocket. 

“Where’d you get that?” I ask while feeling around to see if it truly was mine. 

“Feitan is a good pickpocket,” he said while tossing me my phone. He rambled off a few numbers that I guessed were his phone number. I put in his number and he checked to make sure. “Call if needed.”

With that cue, he started to walk down the stairs. “W-wait,” I shout. “I didn’t get to ask you how to join.”

“Illumi will need to ask him himself,” Chrollo said while continuing to go down the stairs. “He can send you as a reference after he asks. I don’t like others doing his bidding. Plus, I’d be nice to see you again.” As he got to the final step, Chrollo turned to look at me. “I would check your messages. It seems that he doesn’t enjoy our nightly meetings.” A smirk formed on his face as he disappeared into the darkness of the room. 

I quickly look through my phone. There were only 3 simple messages from Illumi. 

1.Have you completed the mission?  
2\. Why are you disappearing with Chrollo at night?  
3.I am coming to get you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter Illumi is going to be delicious. Seriously, possessive Illumi is happening. Get hyped. 
> 
> Also: You can find me on Tumblr and Twitter: Write-Like-You-Mean-It


	22. Hair pulling and Bloodlust

I could feel Illumi’s bloodlust without him even stepping off the plane. Anxious nerves held my body throughout the rest of the night. Chrollo had been so intoxicating that I had forgotten Kalluto was in kahoots with Illumi. Every single night, Kalluto must’ve been listening or watching me and reporting back to Illumi. If the former, then I am dead. 

Illumi’s bloodlust permeated the whole city. It was so terrifying that even the Phantom Troupe felt its effects. Only I knew of the purple haze that would linger closely behind. Machi tried to plead with me once again to stay but I knew I had to face him. 

With trembling hands, I said goodbye for now to Machi. I promised her that I would not get myself into too much trouble. That was a lie. I was already in too much trouble. Even Kalluto couldn’t look me in the eyes as I waved to him. 

Goosebumps littered my body as I stepped out into the open air. The sense of Illumi hung on the town like a cloud. “Your boyfriend’s anger is palpable,” said a voice that hung by the doorway. I turned to see Chrollo. “It’s almost impressive.”

“I guess,” I said but I knew he was right. I felt like a lamb that was thrown into the lion’s den and it was all my fault. “I’ll get going. I wouldn’t want any of the troupe getting hurt for my trouble.”

“Good luck,” he said while going to close the door to the inside. “If he doesn’t kill you, my number is always open.” With that, Chrollo winked and left me to face the demon before me. With that, I was left alone to face my demon that I created. I took a few shaky breaths and went to find the source of the bloodlust. 

It wasn’t that hard to find Illumi. Most people had scattered when they felt the eerie feeling of dread mix all over the town. The typical smog was replaced with a hatred of everyone and anyone who would appear outside. 

My head felt the haze long before I saw him. Illumi. Standing there with eyes that could pierce any metal. His arms crossed over his shirt. A few more needles were added to his garb to accentuate the tone of his look. I could see him purse his lips as if he would never open them again. Illumi gave off a sadistic anger; however, it was enthralling. I could stand there for hours with the power that I had. I caused all this anger deep within him. He was a beautifully dangerous creature. 

Illumi said nothing. He only motioned me with one finger to follow him, and I did. Like a dog, I followed him until he reached the outer edge of Meteor City. Confusion washed over my face as I was sure he’d take me back to the airship or just shoot me in the street. Instead, he dragged me to a hotel. He still spoke not a word as we went up to a room on the top floor of the rundown hotel. Illumi didn’t want distractions or interruptions. OR he didn’t want anyone to call the police. 

We locked eyes once again as we stood in the room. I quickly turned away. What do I say? I could try to explain everything. I went to open my mouth and Illumi said “Get on your knees.”

“What?” I ask confused. 

“Get. On. Your. Knees,” he demanded. His voice was calm and void of emotion. Yet, I could feel the sinister nature behind each word. They were deliberate and poignant. 

“No,” I responded. “I’m not-”

Before I could respond, my back was pinned to the wall. Illumi was standing over me. His height was much more than my own. It was so much that he became a towering cage for my frame. His hand held down my shoulder while his nails dug into my skin. “I will not repeat myself again.” 

I looked up to see Illumi staring at me. His eyes held the anger that his words did not. He cocked his head to the side. Black hair cascaded down his face and into mine. A shiver ran down my spine. This was a threat, not a warning. 

Illumi released my shoulder but the places he dug into still stung as if he didn’t leave. Illumi took a step back to give me a little bit of space in this giant room. I swallowed some of the spit that accumulated in my mouth out of fear. 

My body slowly dropped to my knees. Illumi took that as a sign to unceremoniously strip down his pants and underwear. I was right in my assumption of what I would be doing. Pleasing Illumi. I licked my lips at his thick cock that already was rising. 

It was as delicious as before. Last time, Illumi refused to let me touch him. Every inch was only felt by sight and as he entered me over and over again. Face to face with his cock made my mouth water. 

I took my hand to reach out to touch him ever so slightly. Illumi's body reacted by pulling away and his hand grasping my wrist. His reaction was impulsive. He released as quickly as he held on. 

I wiped a finger over the reddening tip to gain some precum that had started to form. It wasn’t enough to give a few good tugs so I spit onto my hand. Illumi never seemed prepared for sex; it was a reaction that happened. I had to use my resources. 

A few more motions of my hand, and his cock was hard and swollen. More precum dripped from the end. I leaned my head forward and licked at his tip. Illumi reacted once again by putting his hand on my head and letting out a small grunt. Perfect. 

My hand didn’t stop moving as I gave full attention to his tip. A few times I would take as much as possible into my mouth while swirling my tongue. Each time, Illumi’s grip on my hair would increase to an almost painful level. He was holding back the need to thrust into my mouth. 

Within my exploring, I found that following the bottom vein from the bottom to the top made Illumi grunt and groan. I did it a few times until Illumi’s anger started to take over. Without warning, he thrusted slightly into my mouth. A warning that he wouldn’t go easy on me. His hand tightened and pulled my hair. 

Illumi’s thrusts were calculated and painful. Each one was a sign of dominance more than pleasure. His cock hit the back of my throat which made me gag. I had to focus on the part that wouldn’t fit in my mouth to not get sick. Illumi’s size was too massive to fit. 

The room was full of Illumi’s grunts and moans as he fucked my face. A slurry of curse words lay on his lips every time my tongue would swirl or hit a particularly sensitive spot. He was much more vocal than before too. It must have to do with the anger and force given to the act. He went too easy on me last time. 

The corners of my mouth were aching but Illumi only used me harder. Each push was calculated and exciting. Power grew within him which turned him on more than I ever could. He would only let me breathe on his time. Each breath was cut off too early. It wasn’t until a final “fuck” that I felt him spill into my mouth. 

I was caught off guard. Illumi let go of my hair and I fell hard to the floor. I coughed from lack of air. I needed a few moments to relax and take a break; however, I forgot about Illumi’s stamina. Once I stopped coughing, I looked up to see the same crazed look on his face. Evil with a smile. 

His hand once again reached for me only to grab around my neck. Tight and firm. “Take off all your clothes and lie on the bed.” Another command. I felt conflicted. I should tell him no but every horny desire screamed yes. Illumi let go of my neck once again. With the pressure, I would have a few bruises for the next few days. 

I slowly stripped off my clothes. I wanted to give him a show as I was still worried that I’d be dead by the end of the night. Each article of clothing dropped to the floor. Illumi only watched with lustful eyes. Once I was nude, I climbed onto the cold bed. My back was pressed onto the mattress. 

Illumi licked his lips while climbing onto the bed himself. Instead of touching me, he held his body over mine. His luscious hair fell onto my face. I was growing ever so impatient with him as I felt a pulsing deep within. Each cell in my body craved him to touch me more. 

The more he held his body over me, the more self conscious I felt. He refused to touch me. This was about him and not about me. I had to take it in his time. The limbo of waiting was broken as he inched downward to my core. I single finger traced up and down my thighs. 

“Do anything impulsive and we’re done,” he growled in a low voice. It was husky and dark from his release earlier. He hovered the finger over my pussy and swiped through the slickness. I bit my lips to fight back a groan. As quickly as he touched me, it was gone. Back to the perpetual circle.

I chose to look at the ceiling and wait for his next touch. I was powerless to him. The room became silent besides from my ragged breathing. Each tantalizing second was spent in anticipation. I finally got the courage to look at him. He takes one of his long fingers and puts it in his mouth. Slowly, he pulls it out with a stream of saliva while touching everywhere but where I want. 

I had to force my body against showing him exactly where I wanted to be touched in fear of going to bed horny. Illumi finally put one finger deep within me. A long whine escaped my lips. It was too delicious to not show pleasure. 

He pushed a few more times before adding one more. I became more and more slick with each given moment. Whines and moans were my only pleads. His other hand traced around my clit. The tension was building ever so slowly. It was agonizing. 

I could feel myself getting close. A flurry of pleads came across my lips. Tension was getting to its peak when Illumi removed his hands from my body. 

“No no no no, please Illumi,” I begged while bucking my hips. “I was so close.”

“I know,” he said with a sadistic smile. “I’ll keep going if you can answer one question. Who do you belong to?”

“Huh?” I questioned still in my pre-bliss haze. 

“Who do you belong to?” he repeated while taking another lick of his fingers. 

A moan fell on my lips. “Yours. Only yours.”

Illumi seemed to like that response as he placed a finger to my clit once again. “I want full answers. Who do you belong to?”

He pulsed one finger in and out of me. “I belong to you, Illumi,” I moaned. Another correct response as he picked up speed. Again, I could feel the tension starting to rise. A few curses went past my lips mixed with Illumi’s name. 

A moment later, the tension snapped as I came for him. My body reached by leaning into his touch. I moaned while closing my thighs on his hand. “Fuck, Illumi, I cried loud enough I bet the downstairs neighbors could hear. 

I closed my eyes due to fresh tears. A few tremors racked my aching body. I didn’t even notice Illumi’s touch until he was kissing me. I kissed back. His motions became calmer and more passionate. The anger merged into lust. “You’re mine and only mine,” he muttered against my lips. 

As we were kissing, I could feel his hard cock against my core. I opened my legs once again. Illumi only broke our kiss to slip himself deep inside me. I was still a little sensitive so I jumped at his quickness. “Shit Illumi.”

My words didn’t phase him as he pushed deeply inside of me. His grunts and my moans mixed together to fill the room with a beautiful sound. Illumi’s voice was drowned out by him finishing quicker than before. I had gotten my fill. 

Illumi placed his forehead against mine and repeated “You’re only mine.”

“I’m yours,” I replied. His hot breath mixed with mine. Both of us refused to move. We could stay there for an eternity and it would be too short. The more I looked into his eyes, the more I realized that I missed him. I closed my eyes to feel calmer in the moment and to catch my breath. 

“Marry me, “ Illumi mumbled. “Y/N, marry me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I really write that much smut. Yes. I hope you enjoyed it. 
> 
> Also, I might post just this chapter on Tumblr as as one-shot. Who knows? In case I do, you can follow me at write-like-you-mean-it.


	23. Rings and Rain

The cold chill of his words hit me to my core. Marriage was always on the table but this seemed so sudden. He didn’t ask after years of dating and caring for eachother. He asked after he fucked me for disobeying him. I was a toy that could be easily discarded if I messed up. I was the mouse that took the cheese from the trap. All of this was a trap. 

My face fell as everything flashed through my head like lightning. All of the torment and torture. All the moments of silence we shared. All the days I spent in darkness by the hands of his monster. Every bit of it was to marry him. 

He could sense my change in posture. The post-cotus bliss turned sour. “W-what do you mean?” I mumble while trying to escape his grasp. His hands still held onto my wrists. Flashbacks of the chains wrapped so tightly around my wrists that it left a few scars came across my mind. 

Illumi finally pulled out of me yet he held his place above me on the bed. “I want you to be mine forever. Marry me.” The words filled my body with more dread than any bloodlust could. Marriage was a contract that I would never leave. It was an embodiment that I chose to be with him rather than a punishment. Was I ready to make that jump? Did I really want to be with Illumi?

“Illumi,” I said. My voice was quiet and somber. “Can we put back on our clothes and talk about this?”

He responded by his face becoming more emotionless than normal. He knew my response even before it was said out of my mouth. “No. Yes or no. Will you marry me?” His hands grasped tighter; enough that I could feel his fingers clawing into my skin. 

A few tears started to fall from my eyes. Why was I crying? I turned my head away so I didn’t have to look at him. A pit of emotions bottled up so deep inside that I could feel a bowling ball held within my gut. Every second was an eternity as he waited for my response. I bit my lip in the hopes of gaining some courage. 

“No.” 

More tears fell from my eyes. It took everything to not look at him. Every inch of my existence wanted to look to see if he needed my comfort. I wanted to wrap my arms around him and take back the two letters. I wanted to make him feel alright. 

However, I knew what needed to be done. If I gave in now, my life would still be so endlessly full of questions and the inability to touch. I may not be locked away in the basement but I’d be locked in the house with children. Illumi would leave without question and I wouldn’t know when he would return. I’d live in a constant fear of the unknown with only inklings of the truth.  
Illumi let go of my hands and climbed off of me. The bed shifted with his weight enough that I knew he was gone. My body felt cold without his warm body pressed against me. No. It wasn’t just my body. Everything felt cold. 

I finally sat up on the bed to see Illumi getting dressed. “Ill,” I mumble while looking at him. Even looking at him brought more tears to my eyes and the pit to grow stronger. “I’m sorry.”

“No,’ he said while putting his shirt back on. “You don’t get to apologize. You gave an answer.” His voice was quieter than I expected. Each word held a ting of hurt. 

“I said that because I need time-.”

“Time to do what?” he asked while looking at me. “I’ve given you everything but time. I let you have friends. I let you go off on a mission. I let you meet my family. Every member of my family. You’re the one being ungrateful.”

“I didn’t want this,” I said a little louder. “I didn’t ask for any of that. What I really want is for you to talk to me like a normal human. I don’t want to marry a control freak.”

The words were out of my mouth before I could comprehend what they were. Illumi stopped his shuffle and looked towards me. The look he gave was deadly, violent, and angry. It was so different than anyway he’s looked at me before. This wasn’t him being possessive or obsessive; I hit a core. I hit something deep within him that he would refuse to see. It was a pain that was so low that I doubt I could take it back. 

“You what?” he said, viciously. 

“I-I didn’t mean it like that.” I said trying to backstep. “I just meant that I need my own space and to be my own person. I’ve lived my life without boundaries and this is becoming more-”

“Do you like me?” 

His question threw me off guard from my ramblings. Did I actually like Illumi? Do I care? Am I just a puppet that he uses? 

“Your silence is deafening,” he says while finishing getting ready. 

“No, I do care about you,” I said, finally getting my thoughts together. I was drowning in my own thoughts. I felt like a rope that was benign tugged in both directions. I cared for Illumi but how? Was I scared or was this love? 

“Why’d you sleep with me?” His eyes flickered as if they were made from glass. Was he crying? 

I was prepared for my questions to be answered but I wasn’t prepared to receive any back. Illumi was always so silent that I thought there was nothing but missions, training, and caring for his family that was behind the dull, faced expression and long, black hair. He never expressed any emotion before. 

“Today was because I was scared,” I said while looking at my hand that played with the frilled ends of the blanket. “Before, I-I don’t know. It happened.”

“I see,” Illumi said. 

“I enjoyed it,” I said while looking back at him. My body shivered from a cold breeze. “Both times.”

Silence fell on the room; however, it wasn’t as comfortable as usually. Instead, this silence was screaming. Too many unspoken words that fell between the two of us. Anger had melded into a desperate sadnesses. We both wanted to say everything in our head. No. I wanted to hold him and say that everything was going to be alright. We were both scared children trying to play adult. 

“I think you should stay here. We need a break. You have Machi and…” He couldn’t bring him to say the troupe or even Chrollo’s name. “Call me when you find out your actual answer. I have business I have to attend.” With that, he left me alone in this cold, lonely room. 

I saw the door shut before I registered the moment. He actually left me alone. It’s what I wanted after all this time. I wanted to be alone and not trapped by him. Space is what he gave me and it felt so frozen. 

I laid back into the covers and sobbed. I can’t fix this. For all I knew, Illumi was gone forever. I should be happy. I can move on. However, I can’t.  
\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I cried so much that my head was aching with a resounding pound every few seconds. I was still naked and had a lot of discomfort. I went to the bathroom to take a quick shower. I looked in the mirror for only a moment. The blotchy tear-stained eyes made me look even more pathetic than I felt. I climbed into the shower, turned on the water, and sat down in the stream. 

Water washed over me like a cool breeze. My tears mixed with water that ran down my face. I brought my knees to my face and wrapped my arms around them. My head buried deep within the crevasse. 

I should call Illumi and tell him it was a mistake. No. I said the correct answer. I had to say no or I would feel resentment towards him. I had to say no in order for him to realize that I need more than what Illumi would give me. I need a relationship built on trust and not one created in a basement. He hadn’t even bought me a ring. It’s a silly tinket but I want to feel loved. 

I stayed there until the water ran cold. I only moved to wash myself with the small hotel soaps. The water turned freezing before I finally left. I had to get help or support. I can’t go back to the troupe. They’ll know something is off if I only return a few hours later. 

I wrapped myself in a towel to try and dry off the excess water. Once out of the bathroom, I went to pick up my clothes. My phone was still in the pockets of my pants. There were no messages. 

I didn’t expect one from Illumi. He wouldn’t give in easily. I would, instead, give him the space that he desired. We both need a little bit. Maybe we can come to an agreement when this is all over, but, for now, I will not message him. 

I was a little upset that Machi hadn’t even tried to see if I was okay. She could feel teh bloodlust just like myself when I left. I went looking through some of the old messages sent between us. I should send her a message at least. She was my best friend. 

For as many messages as I typed up, none of them seemed right. She was with her friends and I didn’t want to put the burden of my abusive relationship to the test. Instead, I texted a number that I had gotten during my time with the troupe: Kalluto. 

He responded quickly with agreement that I should meet with him and quickly. I’m guessing he had heard things from his brother. If anyone were to know about Illumi, it would be his brother.  
\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
I didn’t know how long Illumi paid for this room. I only knew that I hadn’t been kicked out yet so I would guess he paid for the night. I had changed back into the dirty clothes because they were the only ones that I had at the moment. It was already starting to get dark when Kalluto arrived. He knocked only a few times before I actually answered. 

“Have you heard anything from Illumi?” I ask a little trepidatiously. 

“Yes. He has sent me a few messages,” Kalluto replied while looking around the apartment. “I won’t tell you what they were. He told me not to tell you.”

“So he knows we’re meeting?”

“I didn’t say that. I can have secrets with both of you.”

“I’m sorry for dragging you into this,” I said while realizing that I had dragged in a child who should be making new friends with his group. All of this was stupid. I was stupid. 

“It’s okay. I knew this would happen when Illumi brought you home. He’s always been protective of those he loves.”

I looked towards the little boy. “L-loves?” I questioned and Kalluto nodded. “What do you mean?”

“You two are the most oblivious adults I’ve met. Illumi had me watch over you because he was worried about you. The first thing to come out of your mouth is about him. It’s obvious that you’re worried about him.” Kalluto sat down on a chair that was next to the bed. “Look, there’s a lot of things you don’t know with my brother. There’s a lot of things that he doesn’t know. All Illumi knows is what was taught by mother and father.”

“-But it seems like their marriage is good. Maybe a little insane but good,” I interrupted. 

“Yes,” he said. I decided to take a seat on the bed. “They’re good but what I mean is the other stuff. We’re all assassins. We all had to go through training. I can tell you that it's not fun. Milluki became a shut in due to the torment. Killua rejects the business because of being a cold blooded killer. Do you know what it's like to take a life before you can walk?”

“No,” I said. 

“We do. We’ve been tortured, used, abused all in the name of love.” Kalluto’s eyes glazed over with a recognition of the past. I wanted to stop him because it seemed like this was too much. “I know what it’s like. I know too much. I have to live in Killua’s shadow.”

He took a breath to gain some composure. “Illumi-” he continued. “-is the eldest by seven years. Father perfected the training years before I was born so much so that he left my training to my mother. Illumi got the full force of my father for a full seven years. He was the test rat to see how far my father could push without resistance.”

“You’re telling me that he was tortured beyond you?” I say. 

“Yes. Grandfather helped a little but it was mainly father. Illumi is so devoted to father because that is all he knows. I’ve asked him about his training and he refuses to answer. Instead, he stays silent. None of it gives him the right to treat you or Killua the way he does, but it makes sense.” 

Kalluto finally looks at me. “Illumi does care. He would send me photos of you randomly. They were always so sincere. I’m not telling you to take him back. I’m telling you to try and help. He does care. It’s a possessive and needy caring but it's there. Give him some space to miss you and you to him. From our talks, Illumi will answer. It takes a bit. I wish I could say more but it’s not my place.”

“Why won’t you tell me?” I say. 

A smile crosses the young boy’s face. “Illumi won’t even tell me. Maybe he’ll tell you.”

“I’ve been trying but he’s rejected talking to him.”

“I know. And your needs are just as much as his. Illumi needs to get over himself. You need to see if you actually like him.”

I nod my head. For as small as the youngest Zoldyck is, he is much more mature than any child that I’ve known. He’s been brought into this world when he shouldn’t have. Now he needs to make his own place in the world in spite of his brothers. 

“I asked Chrollo if you could come back tomorrow. He said yes as long as you get dinner with him.”

“Dinner?” I ask, confused. “That’s all he wants?”

Kalluto shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know.”

“I’ll go. I think I’ll stay here tonight. I need some time to think.”

Kalluto stood up. “I walked all this way-.” He sighed, “You know where the troupe is.” I pull Kalluto into a hug. He stiffened up. Physical touch doesn’t seem to be a trait any of the Zoldycks possess. 

“Thank you and I’m sorry.”

“You’re welcome,” he stated as I released. “It’s no problem. I’d do the same for any of my brothers. Also, if you do decide to stay with Illumi, it would be nice to have an older sister.” I smiled while giving one last hug and we parted ways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter in the books. Thank you all so much for reading. If someone told me how many people would like this story when I started, I wouldn't have believed them. Truly, I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I also apologize for the angst in this chapter. It had to be done!
> 
> Secondly, I should have a Chrollo one-shot up tomorrow or the next day. It's also going to be an angst-filled mess. It is finally up. Read it [here!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24741682)


	24. Bruises and Realizations

The walk of shame back to the troupe’s hideout became a longer journey than it was to leave. Before, I followed Illumi’s bloodlust. Now, I have to notice my surroundings. The streets were bustling with people trying to get from one place to the other. The faces weren’t friendly as many of them lived in a state of extreme poverty. If I had any money to my name, I would have given a few dollars to the children that wandered the streets looking for their next meal. 

Being alone didn’t bother me. I was able to get a fresh look at everything without the worrisome eye of the long-haired man. No. I would not think about Illumi. He left me. My hand absentmindedly went to the phone once again. I could easily call him. No.

I finally found a place that seemed similar. I followed the path to the back room. Inside there were the troupe as crazy as ever. 

“Interesting that you would return,” said Feitan. He startled me and I jumped a little back. I turned to look at the small man in shock. His hands were placed inside of his pockets as a nonchalant gesture of uncaring. “I thought your boyfriend would kill you.”

I rolled my eyes. “He’s not my boyfriend,” I shrug while walking past the dingy stack of boxes that still piled up to the ceiling. “And do you get a sick satisfaction from scaring me?”

Feitan finally smiled, a sinister, sadistic one. “Yes.”

I decide to ignore his haphazard attempt at conversation. Instead, I walk into the pit of spiders as if it was my home. They seemed to be having another argument about which Nen ability was the best; however, none of them seemed to show their own. Shizuku was the only one to bring out Blinky to prove her point. 

My eyes caught Chrollo. He stood in the far corner watching the rest of the team. I would guess that his Nen ability far surpassed the rest of the team. He didn’t want to get in on petty squabbles that would easily be solved if he had joined. 

I stood beside Machi as Shalnark defended Shizuku against Phinks. “So where do you rank?” I asked her. 

“I won’t be the first,'' she said. “I would be higher than the majority of them though.” She paused while putting her hand on my neck, pushed away the hair from my shoulders, and made me tilt my head. “Don’t tell me that you fucked him.” 

“What do you mean?” I ask while pulling away and putting my hand on the spot she held her only a second ago. 

“There’s a bruise on your neck.”

“I-I…” I stutter while looking to the ground. “No. We didn’t fuck.”

“You’re lying,” the pink-haired girl said while crossing her arms. This was her stance of disbelief that I had known too well after many, many different nights of binge drinking and going home with many different men. My embarrassment made me look at the rest of the spiders in hopes that they weren’t paying attention. They weren’t as their argument was too important. 

“Fine. Yes. He’s not that bad.”

“You slept with someone that kidnapped you.”

“Sounds kinky,” replied a voice from behind me. Feitan, who I didn’t know was still sulking in the shadows behind me, was the one who said it. Before I could smack the sadistic smile off his face, he pushed past us and into the circle. “I would like to add that I won against the ants.”

“That’s because you picked the correct pathway,” replied Phinks while pointing at the man. “Plus it only happens when you’re angry.”

“Good thing you’re here so I always have a constant supply of anger.” Phinks lunged to strangle him but Feitan moved out of the way. Franklin and Shalnark had to step in between the teo’s playful fight. 

My attention turned back to my friend. Her demeanor hadn’t changed even throughout the chaos. Her resting bitch face was terrifying in its own right. 

“Fine,” I said while finally pulling away my hand. “Do you want details?”

“No. Are you alright?” Her question reached deep within my soul to bring up emotions that were pushed away for a few moments. My smile at the exchange between the troupe left my face. Machi loosened her grip. “What happened?”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I said while looking back at the circle. Phinks was arguing for his Nen ability some more to the annoyance of the rest of the troupe. 

“You don’t have to tell me,” she said while moving my hair to cover the bruises section. “Just know that Illumi would be lucky to have you. Make sure he knows that.” My attention turned to Chrollo who was trying to calm Phink. Machi looked where I was watching and back to me. “Also, Chrollo is just as bad as Illumi. He’s… a lot sneakier about his deceit.”

I nod my head as a sign of understanding. I was free to date whoever I wanted but I knew that Machi was right. My past was consumed with men that negatively impacted me with the thought that I could fix them if given the chance. The amount of times I’ve cried to her on the phone could not be counted on two hands. “So-” trying to change the subject- “will you finally tell me about you and ponytail?”

Machi rolled her eyes at my comment and softened her stern look. “Fine. But not here. Feitan’s a sneak and a bitch.”

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
Night time came faster than anticipated due to the rest of the team planning Chrollo’s actual strategy against an opponent that wants to kill him for sport. He’s supposed to meet this person at Heaven Arena within the next week. Chrollo refused to say his name for my sake but it seemed like the troupe was well acquainted with this battle that was happening.

Once the meeting had commenced, Chrollo made sure to pass me. He had passed me a note with an address and time. I was to meet him there and then for our ‘date.’ 

The time felt later than normal as I walked into a 24-hour coffee shop that doubled as a small library. Even though this wasn’t a real date, I felt underdressed. My change of clothes were lost many nights ago so I had to do with what I was wearing. It was stained and crinkled from time. 

I wanted to order something but I remembered that my card was either at the Zoldycks or in my apartment. Illumi had paid for everything and taken care of my every whim. I didn’t have to think of money because he would know what I wanted even before I asked. 

I found a seat in the back of the shop. Chrollo wasn’t there yet. By the phone’s clock, he was five minutes late. Since he was already late, my eyes wandered to the bookshelf that lined the back wall. I picked one at random and started to read. 

“That’s a good novel.” My body, absentmindedly, turned to look at where the voice came from. It was Chrollo. He looked so much more normal or what his night look was. 

“I started it while I was waiting for you,” I said while putting the book down. Chrollo sat down across from me. He placed his own book on top of mine. “What are you reading?”

“Nothing important,” he said. “It’s better I keep in beside me than anywhere else.” A few drinks were dropped in front of us. A black coffee for him and a speciality drink for me. “I ordered already. I asked Machi.”

I nod and take a sip. “So this is supposed to be a date?”

“No. This of it as a business deal.” Chrollo picked up his cup and took a deep drink of the pure, caffeinated drink. 

“I thought you wanted to take me on a date,” I said with a fluttering tone. I would be the first to admit that in this attire, he was not bad looking. In fact, I’d call him extremely attractive. “Unless you want to go to the end of a good date.”

Chrollo chuckled while placing his cup down. “It seems that has already been taken care of.” My hand flies to my neck in a shameful realization that the bruises did not disappear in between my conversation with Machi and now. 

“It’s alright,” I said. “We had some differences.”

“I could’ve told you that. People who don’t know the inner workings of this side do not couple up with those who do. There has to be an act of a higher power for the two to meet.”

I knew he was right. Illumi wouldn’t be the person that I would normally pick up in a crowd. Illumi was endearing but in the way a fly is attracted to the venus fly trap. However, once you get across the harsh mouth, there is a person worth love. No. Chrollo was using this against me. “You seem interested in me enough.”

Chrollo leaned in and placed his head on his hands. “No. It’s not enough. I’d love it if this was an actual date but I don’t steal an associate's girl.”

“I’m not Illumi’s girl,” I say. “Well, not anymore.”

“Then why did you ask Kalluto to come see you? Why do you seem so focused on seeing if he would come save you? Why do you now keep your phone on vibrating rather than silent like you did a few days ago?”

I clutched my phone a little tighter. “I need to hear my messages. Since someone stole my phone last time.”

Chrollo hummed while leaning back in the chair and taking another sip of his still warm coffee. “I wonder who would do such a thing to a pretty girl.”

“The one that would openly flirt with a taken girl.”

“So you are taken?” 

His wordplay had trapped me. I stuttered before responding, “No. Not anymore.”

“What happened?”

“It’s not important.”

“Yes it is.”

I took a deep breath and sighed. I knew that he wasn’t going to leave me alone. “Fine.” I took a sip of my drink as a way of collecting my thoughts. “Illumi and I want two different things. I want to be treated like a person and he wants to treat me like an object. He wasn’t to hide me away and I won’t allow it.”

“An object? Interesting.”

“No. It’s not interesting. He taught me Nen so that I could save myself enough to not get myself murdered until he came to save me. He trapped me in a room for weeks. He brought me on a mission that I didn’t ask to be on. He asked me to marry him rather than answering any question that I asked. Illumi refuses to see me as anything but someone that is there. I am an inconvenience rather than a legit person. He’s marrying me because he thinks that I will be the perfect wife rather than he actually cares.”

My anger was starting to get overwhelming. Words were coming out of my mouth with registering from my brain. They were from the heart. “I can’t stay home with the kids. It’s insane how archaic his views of relationships fall. I’d rather him teach me Nen so I can join him. I don’t want to be a princess in a castle. I want him to fight for me. Illumi needs to be the one that wants this more than me and not leave when it gets too tough.”

“Why?” Chrollo’s voice interrupted my anthem. 

“Because If I care for him so much, he should give me the same respect.”

“Sounds like you really like him.”

“No. I hate him.”

“I don’t care for the ones I hate.”

“Well that’s different. I want him to stay. I want to be able to touch him. I want to have full conversations. I want to feel as loved as the night he told me about his brother. I want to help him. I-I…” my brain finally caught up to what I was saying. “Holy shit. I do love him.”

Chrollo’s grey eyes finally matched the smirk on his face. “At least you’ll admit it. He’ll be at the match that I have with Hisoka in a few days. You can come along. I’m only taking Machi, Shalnark, and Kortopi. I know he’ll be there because Kalluto told me of a certain proposal that they made. You can tell him that he can join the team.”

“I-I love him,” I repeat. I hadn’t noticed anything that Chrollo spoke. My heart was still processing what my mouth had said. I worried so much about him that it was making me sick. He was the best part of my day even if I was angry with him. I wanted to be with Illumi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Finally!!! It only took another guy taking interest in her for her to realize her feelings. Also the Hisoka and Chrollo fight is happening! 
> 
> I wanted to also say that I now have almost 200 Kudos. Seriously, that has blown my mind. I never expected this much. Every day I wake up excited to write more. This story has helped me get back into writing as I had lost my drive throughout college. From the bottom of my heart, I have to say thank you to every single person.
> 
> If you haven't checked it out, I have Read it [a new one-shot, prompt dump](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24741682)a where I will try to update on days that I don't write this story.


	25. Hotel Rooms and Pins

Being so close to the Republic of Padokea was strange. In the far off distance, I could almost see the outline of Kukuroo Mountain. Heaven’s Arena was on the same continent as where I was held captive for so long. We had been traveling here ever since the day after Chrollo and I’s ‘date.’ 

Most of the walking was dedicated to my thought process on how I would speak to Illumi once I was there. Many times during the trip, Machi had stopped to ask what was on my mind. As much as I wanted to tell her, I couldn’t. My revelation needed to be discussed with Illumi first. 

The only solace was the bickering between Machi and Shalnark. They seem like old best friends even though they have almost nothing in common. Since we had such a long trip, Shalnark had brought along a handheld gaming system. He only brought it out when we were on a transportation method; however, if Chrollo would let him, he’d be playing while we were walking. 

Heaven’s Arena was a massive structure that could only be truly seen through squinted eyes as it went to the sun. “Finally here,” said Shalnark in a chipper tone. “I can finally play my games in peace!”

“I can’t help it if I’m better at them than you,” joked Machi. I rolled my eyes at the typical scenario. She only said that to tick him off. And, of course, it did. Chrollo didn’t care about the back and forth. Instead, his focus was only on the arena. 

“You ready?” I asked him. He held a cold, stoic demeanor but I could feel tension. 

“Yes,” he said. “Are you?”

“No,” I confessed. “I still haven’t planned what I’ll say.”

Chrollo chuckled before taking steps to walk into the arena. Kortopi and I followed while Machi and Shalnark were still fighting over her comment. I doubted that they would be coming anytime soon. 

The front guest lady treated Chrollo and his guests like royalty: the perk of being a floor leader. We were taken to this room close to the top floor. The skyline was a beautiful mess of city and country. From this vantage point, it was almost impossible to not see the mountain that held the family of assassins. Chrollo had yet to tell me what Illumi would be at this fight. He had also neglected to tell me who he would be fighting. 

“Nice room boss,” said Kortopi. He was easily scouring around the room in hopes of finding treasure that was held within the inclosed space. He easily found a vase and started to make a copy. 

“Don’t waste your Nen,” replied Chrollo as he stood beside me while I looked out at the ground. “I’ll borrow it from you when you get a chance. You might need to get Salnark to come up here because one of them is going to die if we don’t check on the two.” Kortopi nodded his head. His hair flying in all directions before scurrying out of the room to get the bickering members. 

“How do you know Illumi will be here?” It was the question that plagued my mind ever since I’d been invited on this journey. 

“Because my opponent is Hisoka.” His words were as poignant and void of any emotion. I remember back to my meeting of Hisoka many weeks ago. Machi and his pissing match was all I could remember of the killer clown. 

“And?”

“Illumi and him have an interesting relationship.” Chrollo walked back to the single bed in the room and sat down. His eyes were transfixed on the black, leather book that lay within his hands. “Illumi would not miss this fight for the world.” 

I decided not to press the topic further due to Chrollo’s furrowing demeanor and hurried hands. The typical strong man was going over his notes again and again. His study was like a master musician playing an strenuous instrument. I could see the gears of preparation moving deep within the recesses of his mind. Even though he said he wasn’t worried, there was a thin crease on his brow. 

I found myself to become occupied within the context of my own mind. If Illumi was to be here, then when would he arrive. What if he was already here? Would I run into him as I go to the snack machine down the hall? If so, I have to figure out the best words to say what I feel. Coming out with love would be a bit too strong for someone who hasn’t text or talked in a week. 

Machi, Shalnark and Kortopi finally showed up after thirty minutes. My guess was that it took that long for them to calm down enough to be in the same elevator. The flight up was a little long. 

“So Boss,” said Machi, taking a seat on a chair that was next to a small kitchen set within the room. “We saw Hisoka entering the building a little bit ago.”

“It has begun,” smirked Chrollo before standing up. “I must talk to the people in charge about a few preparations for the fights. I have one host that I like a lot more than others. I’ll be back before the fight so that I can borrow Shalnark and Kortopi’s Nen. In the meantime, enjoy the space.”

The three seemed uninterested. It’s like they knew this place more than anyone else here. “Oh, Y/N,” said Chrollo. “I told the others but do not be in the arena for the fight. Watch it on the screen. Make sure anyone you want to be alive does that as well.”

With that final word, Chrollo disappeared. It was a warning that I should find Illumi before the fight. From the T.V that Shalnark had turned on, the announcer said that the fight would be happening in a day. I had 24 hours to find Illumi and make sure he is not in the arena tomorrow.. 

\--------------------------------------  
I told the rest of the team that I was going to take a walk throughout the hotel to find something to eat. It was a lie but Machi wouldn’t appreciate what I was actually doing. I made sure to note where the room was before I went on my grandiose adventure to find him. 

My first stop was the ground floor to see if anyone had seen him. The response of the workers was that no one by that name had registered for a fight or had purchased a ticket to see the fight. 

My next idea was to continually wander the hallways until I found him. I peaked my head into a few matches to see if he was there. None of the arena’s held Illumi. As tall as this building was, the prospect of finding him was getting smaller and smaller. 

By the time that I had reached the 200th floor, I had yet to see any source of the long haired man. I was becoming tired and hungry. I was going to give up my search when I noticed a red headed clown standing at the end of the hallway. 

“Hisoka!” I couldn’t tell if my cry was out of fear or excitement. If Illumi and him did have a friendship then he might know where Illumi could be. My outburst had caused his attention to be turned away from whatever his goal was before. 

“Oh hello~. I can’t believe that Illu would bring you to this fight.”

“He didn't,'' I said. 

“Then I’m even more surprised that you were able to get up to the 200 floor. I would’ve knocked you out by the third~.”

“-No,” I interrupt. “I’m not a fighter either. I’m here to find Illumi. Have you seen him or know where he might be?”

A sly smile crossed his painted face. It was a smile that would kill someone if they looked at him the wrong way. Here I was asking a murder for advice on my assassin significant other. No. We were broken up. My assassin ex. “My information comes at a cost~. Why do you want to know here poor Illu is?”

I sigh knowing that this was my only lead. The vibes he gave off sent a shiver down my spine. If I was smart, I would head back and find Machi. Hisoka gave off more powerful vibes than Illumi ever did. It must be their personalities. 

“What would you like to know?” 

“Why aren’t you with Illu~. Decide you were too good for him?” Hisoka put emphasis on his statement with a wink. 

“No,” I stutter at his boldness. However, Hisoka was right. I did decide I was too good for him. That is the reason I left. Now I want him back. “Well yes, “ I corrected. “It was a mutual thing. Now I want to see him.”

“Ah Illu~” Hisoka sighed dramatically. “He needs to learn how to keep a girl. I should show him after the fight-”

“-I told you so where is he?”

“My. my, little Illumi found himself a spitfire. I always thought he’d get a submissive girl. Maybe you are more interesting than I gave you credit~.”

I sighed and realized that he was not going to give me the information that I wanted. A sad state of affairs that made my bones ache even more. Only a few hundred more rooms to look through before I’d give up for the night. 

“Check under the name Gittarackur. He should be in room 275,” the clown called from down the hall. I didn’t give him the decency of a response. Instead, I went to the elevator and started my ascension to Illumi’s floor. 

\-------------------------------------  
My heart pounded as the elevator climbed to the floor. After all this time looking, I still hadn’t found the correct words to say in order to make him want to stay with me. I was stuck between confessing my love and telling him off for leaving me alone. I glanced at my reflection in the warped metal hung on the sides. I looked a lot more tired than I did when I lived with him. The phantom troupe tries to stay hidden so they don’t eat as much as other people. My hair was a mess due to sleeping on the ground. My reflection matched the image I felt: empty. 

I walked to his door. My heart beat faster with every single step. My legs carried me only by force rather than by acknowledgement. Soon enough, I was at the door. Gold numbers said 275. 

I took a deep breath before finally knocking on the door. There was no answer for a long time. I knocked once more. This time my knocks were desperate and wanting. If Hisoka had lied, I would personally beat him even if I died in the process. 

A few more moments went by before the door’s chain clanged off the runner, and the door opened. However, it wasn’t Illumi. It was a creepy man with a sunken face. Needles protruded from his face like a monster. Unlike Illumi’s naturally long hair, his hair sat up in a purple mohawk. My heart dropped in disappointment. 

“Oh, I’m sorry sir,” I said. “I was told this was a friend’s room.” My legs started to take me back to the elevator in embarrassment. 

The man’s head turned with a few violent clicks as if he was made of metal. “Wait,” said the metallic voice. The arm pulled out a few pins in his face as if a terrifying gesture for attack. I braced my body with the use of Nen as I knew that he could throw them at me anytime. 

Instead, the man’s face transformed. The pins were keeping his appearance different. Black hair shot out from the top of his head and cascaded down to his knees. The smiling face was replaced with the blank looked expression that I knew so well. 

“I-Illumi?” I stuttered. “How? What?”

He didn’t respond. Instead, Illumi walked out of the room while dropping the needles. They scattered the ground like dust. Illumi reached out and pulled me close to him. A desperate feeling of warmth washed over me. He held me tightly in his arms. 

I held back hopelessly wanting the basic affections of a hug. A sob wracked my body as every emotion came out at once. During all our time together, he’d never want to hold me. We always had sides that couldn’t be crossed. The only sense of emotional vulnerability was when we had sex. This was different. This was more intimate than any of our times. 

I didn’t know how long we stayed there in each other’s arms. Illumi was the first to pull away and only to drag me into his room. Instead of embracing once again, we stood at an awkward distance; waiting for someone to make the first move. “Illumi,” I whispered. Our silence was broken by that one word. 

“I was afraid you’d never come back,” Illumi said. His voice still held the same montonedness; however, it was different. There was a break to his tone. His voice sounded more human and not like a creation of his father.   
“I was afraid you left,” I said. 

“No. I won’t. Not again. I can’t lose you again.” His words were enough to bring the same tears to my eyes. Illumi was actually using emotions. It was a twisty fantasy that I held ever since I was kidnapped so long ago. Words couldn’t express the hurt, pain, longing that held me up so many nights. I, after long last, could kiss him. Which I did gladly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was so cute to write! I do want to give a warning for the next chapter. If you haven't read the manga, some fun stuff is about to go down. I can't keep fluff forever. I am an angst writer after all. ;)
> 
> Thank you for reading!


	26. Wine and Confessions

Once the cloud of romantic happiness faded, some awkwardness settled across the room. It was as if both of us wanted to speak but words were too hard to express. I decided to break the ice. “What was that thing you did earlier?” I asked.

“Oh,” Illumi said while noticing the left over pins that scattered the ground near the door. “You must remember them. Father taught me to use them as a disguise. It was how I got my hunter’s license without Killua noticing and gained this room. You can’t be too careful when on missions.” Illumi walked back to his room and started to pick up the haphazard pins. 

I followed him but he’s already cleaned them up front the floor and went into his hotel room. “How’d you get this room?” I ask while looking around the small space. I didn’t dare ask about how Chrollo had one a bit bigger as to not invite an unneeded fight. 

“The arena. I won and you get a room after the 200th floor. Father sent me here after Killua.”

“Killua fought here?” I ask while taking a seat on the queen sized bed. “He’s so young. I wouldn’t imagine him fighting in this place with people like you, Chrollo, and Hisoka.”

“This was almost eight years ago,” Illumi said while placing his needles in a small pile on the kitchen counter. His back was turned to me so all I saw was his flowing hair. “Father told him to not return until he had passed to the 200th floor.”

“Eight years ago” I mumbled more to myself than Illumi. The math didn’t want to add up in my head. I didn’t know Killua’s age but he was young. All of this didn’t make sense. Why would Silva place his sons in such a terrible place with no hope of returning? From old matches that I watched as a girl, sometimes contestants would get hurt to the point of being paralized or worse. That is not a place for a child. “What did you do at that age?”

Illumi stiffed his posture. The only sound was soft breathing by me as I pondered if I had upset him. His back still was pointed towards me. Instead of answering, he went to get some water from the small fridge. Illumi walked over and sat down next to me. He handed the bottle to me as a gesture of silence. “You don’t want that answer.” 

I took a sip from the water. Illumi only stared at me with a slight smile on his face. Behind his eyes, held a different emotion. It held the flashback of a past that no one wanted to remember. His quiet thought held behind his own exterior. There was so much that he didn’t want to tell me. So much that needed to be said yet he refused. “Yes, I do want the answer,” I respond. 

Illumi put his hand to my hair and moved it down to my face. “I promise you that you don’t.” He sounded so sincere that my heart almost stopped. Rather than answer, I nod my head while holding his hand on my cheek. 

“I understand,” I said. Illumi mirrored my own nod. “Although, if you ever want to tell me, then I’ll listen.” 

Illumi pulled away from my touch. My body leaned in with the hope that he wouldn’t actually leave. It’d missed his calm quietness and soft touches. They were so rare that it was a treat to receive anything. 

“Why did you return home?” he asked. I was caught off guard by Illumi wanting to know something about me. Usually, he knew most of my information from illegal measures or from his constant watchful eye even before I met him. 

“Home.” I repeated. Truly I was not home. I was with Illumi; however, I knew his sentiment. I was home with him. “I came back because I missed you.” 

“Good. If you hadn’t, I would’ve taken you back and we’d have to start at square one again. Mother will love to hear that the wedding is still on.”

The smile on my face dropped as quickly as he had said the last statement. “Why is marriage so important?”

“Because Mother and Father say it is.”

“Illumi, I-I’m not ready for marriage. We have a lot to discuss and learn before I will say yes.”

Silence fell upon us once again. It was a staple at this point that anything Illumi didn’t like would be met with an eerie silence. “We can discuss it here. What would you need to know?”

“You’re past.”

“No.”

“Then I won’t say yes.”

“Then you will never say yes.”  
“That’s your choice.” 

Our voices never raised; rather, we were having an actual conversation. It was the first time we could peacefully speak our minds without resorting to silence or shounting. I, however, could still feel a little but of Illumi’s anger while sitting still. We both did not like each other’s answers, yet we weren't going to budge. 

“Illumi,” I sighed, wishing that I had the guts to hold him like I wanted. “I need to know. You don’t have to tell me now but it needs to happen. I’d rather us go on dates like normal people and live a happy life. I just want to be with you but you need to realize that I’m on your side. I’m not your mom or your dad. I am me. And I love you for the moments that you’re not under their control. You’re your own person. You don’t even get to control the Zoldyck estate. You shouldn’t have to listen to your parents. Your mom doesn’t decide when you marry. I do.”

Illumi turned to look at me once again. “You love me?” 

I hadn’t realized I said it. Those three words ran through my head so much that I didn’t think they would come out. Not now. I wanted to wait for the right time. I sheepishly turned away. “Yeah, that’s the big epiphany that made me come back to you.”

“You love me?” he repeated. 

“Yes. I love you, Illumi.”

“Nobody has ever told me they loved me before.” His comment broke my heart. I turned to look at him. His face was still the broken shell of a man plastered until there were no cracks. Rather than respond, I place a short, soft kiss on his lips. He responded by kissing me back with vigor. His hands wrap tightly around my frame as if to never let me go. We stayed like that for so long; viciously trying to feel something so soft and warm.

I pulled away first. “I’m sorry no one has told you that before. You deserve love like the rest of us. Maybe even more.”

“No. But I think I love you too.” A smile crossed my face as I reached out to touch him the same as he touched me. As soon as my fingers brush his cheek, he reacts by moving back. I try once again and he lets me. Finally, I was able to run a hand through his beautiful hair. 

“I want to marry you. But I want to get to know you. Not the person you try to put out there. I want to know you.” 

“I will try,” he said while grasping onto the hand that ruffled through his hair. Trying is all that I could ask for. 

\-----------------------------------  
After a long time of talking about nothing, we’d finally hit our grove of taking while being an actual couple. We spent more time kissing than asking questions or being open. It was a nice release compared to the stressful time. 

“Why did you decide to come here?” I ask. “Chrollo said you’d be here but I didn’t believe him. Something about your relationship with Hisoka.”

“Ah yes, Hisoka,” sighed Illumi. “He asked me to come. He said it was important.”

“But why?”

“We’re acquaintances.”

“Sounds more like friends.”

“I have no friends. He uses me like I do to him. It’s mutual.”

“Okay,” I said, yet I refused to believe him. Suddenly I remembered what Chrollo had said before he left to take care of business and I left to find Illumi. “We need to not be in the arena tomorrow.”

“Why? I promise that I’d be in the front row.”

“I don’t know. Chrollo didn’t plan with me around. All I know is that we need to not be seated in the arena. We’re to watch on the screens outside.” 

I could tell that Illumi was getting uncomfortable with the mentions of Chrollo in a normal conversation. “He’s a friend. That is all. If you want to watch over Chrollo then you have to join the troupe. Luckily, you have a way in.” 

“You completed your mission?” he asked a little too excitedly. 

“Of course. Did you expect any less of me?”

“No, my love. I didn’t.”

We spent the rest of the night celebrating with an expensive bottle of wine that Illumi ordered from room service unknowing the mess that would take place tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is shorter than I normally write. The next one will be extra long to make up for it! Thank all of you for continuing to read and support me. It means so much!


	27. Severed Heads and Explosions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ****Manga Spoilers in this episode. Like seriously DO NOT read if you do not know what happens in the manga. Read it and come back.****

I hadn’t realized that I’d fallen asleep until I was awoken by a soft shake and Illumi stating: “The match will be happening soon.”

I blinked the sleep away as Illumi’s face came into my vision. “What battle?” I mumbled while sitting up. Everything came back to my memory before Illumi could respond. “Oh that one. Just give me a second.” A stretching yawn wracked through my body. How long could’ve I slept? 

Illumi stood watching over me with a tiny smile on his face. Once I had fully stretched, I questioned “what are you smiling about?”

“Cute,” was all he said before heading towards the door. With that one word. My heart melted. Maybe he was actually taking a relationship seriously; beyond what he was capable of. 

I combed through my hair with my hands. It’d been so long since I was able to change and feel normal again. It would be nice to go back to the mansion after all of our fighting. We might be able to make preparations for our future together. 

The hallways seem never ending. It wasn’t until Illumi stopped in front of a certain door and knocked. Hisoka in all his clown glory answered the door with only one knock. “Illu glad you actually could come~.” The clown’s piecing yellow eyes landed on me. A sharp sense of dread shivered through my body. Illumi’ protectively took a step forward to block some view of him. “I can see you two made up. How’s Illu in bed? He must be a fine lover for you to actually stay with him.” The lover comment was emphasized with a seductive wink.

“-That’s not your concern,” interrupted Illumi. “I wanted to tell you to not kill yourself today. You told me that I could do it.”

“Ah, wishing me luck~. That's so sweet of you.” The clown strutted down the hallway after closing his own door. “You and I both know I won’t die. If anything, you get the money anyways.”

“Money?” I asked Illumi while trying to keep up with the two mountains of men. Illumi gave me a look as if I should stay silent. I nodded my head but stayed close behind. 

“Yes but I’d rather have the kill for myself.”

“Too bad that the spider leader gets me first. You and I know he’s hiding something.” We all enter an elevator together until we get to a heavily packed arena. People were flooding in from all sides to watch this fight. Hisoka only smiled at his stage. “See you later, Illu~.” With that, he was gone. 

I grabbed onto Illumi’s hand as we wadded through the crowd. Illumi stopped for a second to look at the unknown touch. He held our hands up to get a closer look. “Why do you need to hold onto me? You can spot me in a crowd.”

“Uhm yeah,” I said while letting go. I felt a little sulkne at his neglect for affection outside of our room; however, I knew this was outward Illumi and not lover Illumi. A dialectic of the same person that has to be personified in two ways. Well, two ways that I know of. 

It only took thirty minutes for the crowds to disperse. Illumi guided me to a station that held overflow for fights. Since this fight came so quickly, people had acquired the tickets in a day. The overfill wasn’t even a quarter full due to it not being as fun. Illumi and I took a seat towards the back. Towards the front of the room, there sat Machi, Kortopi, and Shalnark. I sunk down in my seat so that Machi wouldn't see me. She would never approve of me with Illumi. 

Soon enough, the fight was going to start. Chrollo and Hisoka took center stage in a massive arena. The two looked determined. Hisoka with a smirk painted onto his face. Chrollo with the same determined look that always lay on his face. 

The two were talking before the fight. We couldn’t hear due to the preppy girl that always spoke during the match. Suddenly, the referee held his hand in the air. “Weapons are allowed. The match will begin in 3...2...1…”

Hisoka was the first to make a move. He pulled out a few playing cards. He readies it for the attack. Chrollo takes out his small black book that I’d seen countless times. It was the same one he brought on our “date,” the same one that he told me not to worry about, and the same one that he kept by him at all times. He lied to me about the importance of the book.”

“You didn’t happen to show him your Nen ability did you?” asked Illumi. His voice drew me out of the fight that had started. 

“No,” I said while sinking lower into my seat. “Machi told me not to.”

“Good,” he said while turning back to the screen. 

I didn’t notice before but Chrollo also had a small black antenna in his other hand. Chrollo opens the book and starts talking. This time, they zoom in enough that we can catch bits and pieces of Chrollo’s voice through the speakers. His voice was soft and alluring even without completely understanding his words. 

Within a split second, Chrollo attaches the antenna to the back of the judge on the mat. People all around the stadium gasp. 

Hisoka, rather than being nervous, chuckles at the situation put before him. A phone appeared from the spider’s leader’s hand. It was one I’d seen Shalnark holding a few times. Chrollo produced another antenna at the same time the judge started attacking Hisoka. 

Hisoka kicks the judge in the face to send him flying in the other direction. It was a powerful kick that should’ve broken any bones in the ribs of the judge. While Hisoka was busy, Chrollo lunged at the clown. Rather than hitting, Chrollo feins an attack which seems to catch the clown off guard. 

A flurry of kicks were headed in Hisoka’s direction. He holds his arms and Legs close to his body to guard from the attack. From across the room, the judge’s body flies and almost hits Chrollo from behind. He moves out of the way within a second. 

Hisoka, rather than becoming worried, only seems to get a higher thrill out of the attack. He uses a card to slice the neck of the judge. I gasp and turn to look away. This was all surreal. I’d seen Heaven’s Arena fights before but nothing like this. I look up to Illumi to see that he’s unphased. How can he remain so calm? Right. He’s actually taken a life before. This is nothing abnormal to him. 

Like a moth to a flame, I turned back the screen. I’d missed an explosion. Where the judge stood, there was a charred mess of a man. Chrollo stood behind with his hands held up. One hand held a sun and the other a plus sign. The book had dropped a little bit before the explosion. 

From what I could make out, Chrollo explained that if the plus touched the sun, the target would explode. They could be placed anywhere and on anyone. Once they touched, the explosion would happen again. My breath caught in my chest. Chrollo wouldn’t try to blow himself up, would he?

The battle seemed to come to a halt when Chrollo was explaining some more comments about his book. “Illumi?” I ask. He looks towards me a little annoyed that I was taking him away from the fight. “Do you know what's so special about his book?”

“From what Hisoka told me, Chrollo is a specialist. This means he can use Nen under conditions. One of those was that he had to hold the book open while he attacked. With the bookmark that he pulled out, it seems as though that is not the case anymore.” I nod my head but the specialist category was not one that I put time into reading. I was too focused on my own to read up about others. 

Chrollo was still discussing his Nen ability to Hisoka. I cursed the terrible video crew for not getting clean audio for this fight. I wanted to hear every word muttered by Chrollo. I could pick up that he had another ability to share. This one had to do with manipulation of puppets. 

Miraculously, Chrollo turned the page once again and made a copy of the judge’s dead body. To demonstrate the ability, Chrollo gave a small command to the new body and it attacked Hisoka with ease. 

The clown easily removes the head of the fake judge. I let out a small gasp as Chrollo only nods from the screen. A decapitation leads the person to stop being manipulated by this attack. The puppet drops to the ground. It didn’t disappear until the Spider had changed to another page. 

There was only one more ability. Again, Chrollo holds up his hands to the camera. One hand held an arrow pointing up and the other held one pointing down. From the words spoken, I could discern that Chrollo was able to trade places with someone by his touch. 

I rubbed the temples of the head as all of this was too much to bear. If this was the curse of a specialist then I never wanted to meet one in battle. One attack manipulated a living target, one attack would explode, one attack would swap places, one attack would manipulate a copy of a person, and one attack would copy a person. All of this was on top of Chrollo’s ability to use more abilities than one. 

Chrollo finalizes his speech with a smile and a simple question: “Hisoka, shall we continue?”

“Absolutely.” With that, Chrollo bookmarked a page and leapt into the crowd. He pulls out the antenna and phone. Hisoka was hot on his tail as they both were going to enter the audience. Hisoka kept a small amount of distance due to the flurry of attacks that Chrollo held. 

A man starts to attack Hisoka as a way to block the view of Chrollo for the rest of the people. Hisoka rips him apart. Chrollo had disappeared from the view of the camera and from a confused Hisoka. 

This is why Chrollo didn’t want me in the gallery. It would be too dangerous for any of us to watch the fight. Chrollo was going to use the audience as bait for the murderous clown. People were running for the exits and screaming. Each scream terrified me to the core. I looked at the back exit to see a bunch of people running for the door. A few from this room ran too. 

My eyes finally went back to the screen. Audience members start to attack Hisoka in droves. Many of them seem to be controlled to attack. Murder after murder happens right in front of my eyes. The puppets start holding each other so that they could stack quickly as Hisoka flies up to the ceiling. 

As Hisoka is flying, a changed Chrollo comes up from behind and hits him in the back of the head. Hisoka is thrown to the ground as mobs of drones attack him. The clown easily evades and executes the masses. 

Chrollo finds another opening and attacks Hisoka. A swift attack that seemed unavoidable. Hisoka, on the other hand, had an attack fly from across the room. It was a severed head from one of his victims. The leader dodges it with ease before a second head flies through the air and hits him in the face. 

The head caught Chrollo off guard. The first one comes flying once again at Chrollo and hits him in the side. The army was still attacking Hisoka as if they were a drove of mindless zombies. Chrollo had disappeared once again into the fleeing crowd. 

Copies of the crowd started to appear. It became obvious where Chrollo decided to hide in all the chaos down below. I watch as Chrollo gets beat down by the severed head. On the ground, lay a bloodied and broken Chrollo. 

Tears stream down my face. I wipe them quickly away. Chrollo, my only friend in all this shit, couldn’t die. The camera zoomed in closer and I realized that it wasn’t Chrollo. It was a person that had taken his clothes. 

Hisoka scans the audience in hopes of finding Chrollo for a second time. Over the loudspeakers, came the same cheery announcer voice. “Stay calm everyone! Paramedics and security are on their way.” Her voice was replaced by another in the crowd. The deep voice of Chrollo himself “Break Hisoka.”

The words were so loud and clear. Hundreds of puppets ran down the arena steps to go and attack Hisoka. They were ravenous. Hisoka only stood with a decapitated head in his left hand. As the clown fends for himself, the head explodes in his hand. 

Most of Hisoka’s hand was obliterated. All that was left was a messy, gory scene of blood and skin. A second bomb exploded behind Hisoka which caught his attention. The second attack had blown off his left leg. Again, there was little left of the body part. 

The clown barely reacted as he summoned another body to use as an escape. He decapitated the body and used it to attack the other zombified people. Hisoka flies across the room once again as if there was a string attached to his body. 

A flurry of corpses jumped off the second balcony and attached Hisoka. An explosion took place as they bumped into each other. Hisoka’s body hit the ground. He’s not dead yet but the puppets were coming in close. 

Hisoka hugs his body tightly as if to give up. The last thing seen on the screen was a massive explosion that rang throughout the building. I, absentmindedly, turn into Illumi. The stoic man’s face never changed throughout the fight; however, he’d just lost his friend. There was no escaping the horror that had just taken place. Hisoka was dead.  
Illumi’s idea of comfort was different then my own. His eyes never left the screen even after it went blank many, many moments before. I turn his face to look at me. “It’s going to be alright,” I say knowing that I was lying. This was so much more than I could ever give him. He watched his friend explode upon impact. 

A chilling thought ran through my body. Would Illumi do this? Would he battle someone way out of his level in the hopes of achieving victory? Would he kill himself in the process? All of this was too real. I finally realized what Illumi meant when he said ‘don’t ask questions you don’t want answers to.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was seriously a challenge. Trying to explain one of the most complex battle in all of HxH that is only in manga. I seriously had to have it open in another tab to make sure it was perfect. Hopefully this was okay. 
> 
> Thank you for reading! All the nice comments and kudos mean so much to me! Get ready for tissues next chapter though.


	28. Birds and Parks

Not one of the Phantom Troupe members or Illumi and I moved until the paramedics had moved most of the casualties out of the building. The bustling place became a ghost town almost instantly. No one wanted to be in a place dedicated to so much death. The screen had become black many minutes ago. I looked back and forth between my friends and my love. All of whom seemed to not react to anything. 

I decided to make the first move because I had to talk with Machi. Afterall, her and Hisoka had a history that I’d rather not know. When I started to get up from my seat, Illumi lightly grabbed my wrist and pulled me back down. 

“No. It’s not time yet.” His voice was more poignant than before. Thoughts must be running a mile a minute inside his brain. Even in all the hysterics, I would think that Chrollo would return for his team; yet, he hasn’t. This was part of a bigger plan than I realized. The spider’s leader knew he was going to win from the start yet the fight went on as planned. 

Illumi held tightly to my wrist. I turned to look at his stoic face that had yet to leave the screen. “Illumi, are you alright?”

He paused the same way that he normally did. All that he said was an extremely hesitant “-yes.” He was lying. It was the first time in our relationship that I realized he was lying but I don’t think he even knew he was.

“I have to go with them,” I said, turning my attention to the troupe. They sat as stoically as Illumi. There was no discussion or movement. I could’ve sworn they were statutes beyond seeing Machi’s breathing. 

“You’ll return back to me?” He’s lost so much in this past week. It was starting to break him. I could feel deep in my soul that I should stay with Illumi as there was something wrong. The feeling made the skin on the back of my neck crawl. 

“Always. I’ll always return to you. Wait for my call.” Illumi let go of my wrist as a calling card of his trust. Before rejoining, I kissed Illumi’s cheek as a seal of our promise. I’ll return the same as him. 

When I reached the front of the room, Machi, Shalnark, and Kortopi all seemed to escape their trance. “Nice to see that the boss still can kick ass,” smiled Shalnark. His happy demour never changed even when we all felt the heavy weight of the room. “We still have to confirm that Hisoka is dead. Who knows if the clown has tricks but I doubt he’d strived that big an explosion.”

“Yeah. He wouldn’t,” replied Machi. Her normal lackadaisical tone held a hint of momentary sorrow. 

“It’s still our job to check. Hopefully the police don’t see us,” said Kortopi. He would be the first to lead the charge out of the room. The two boys ignored my presence as they passed beside me. Machi, on the other hand, stayed in her place. 

“Machi?” I questioned while looking at the two boys that left and back at her. “Are you okay?”

“No.”

She was simple and mournful with her response. My hand reached out and held onto her shoulder. “Do you want me to come with you?” I ask. 

“If you’d like. All we’re doing is checking to make sure he is dead.” Machi then followed her comrades to the exit for the room. Where Illumi sat was an empty chair. It was better this way as to not alarm Machi or the others.   
\---------------------------

I’d never seen a corpse so close up before. Hisoka’s body was burnt to a crisp. Blood pooled around his limbs that were blown off. He was a charred remains of his former glory. I looked around the arena to see the rest of the injured crying out for death. The screams of the innocent that only were caught up in things they didn’t know. 

“Yeah, that so of a bitch is dead,” said Shalnark. He was the one to actually lean down to check for a pulse. “I told you he couldn’t survive. Seems like he was suffocated rather than exploded. 200 hundred people on top of you wouldn’t get too comfy. Let's go meet up with the boss. We’ve got a lot of stuff to do before the ship leaves.”

“It's been awhile since I’ve been on a boat,” replied Kortopi as if there wasn’t a rotting corpse in front of us. Hisoka’s eyes were still wide open from the blast. Thinking about it made my stomach churn; however, I had to be there for Machi. Unlike her counterparts, she hadn’t moved from the spot. 

Shalnark and Kortopi headed for the exit of the arena. “Machi, aren’t you coming?”

“Not yet,” she responded. My head turned to look at the pink-haired girl in confusion. “Hisoka paid me to mend him.”

“Always a kind soul at heart,” said the blonde before both the men leave the arena. Shalnark gave one more smile and waved goodbye to both of us. Now it was the two women and a corpse. 

“Do you want me to stay?” I didn’t know if she wanted alone time with Hisoka or not. This was about her grief and not about my feelings. 

“Yes.”

Machi reached for what I’d thought was an accessory since I’d met her. I realized that it was a pincushion. A long, thin thread held itself from the cushion itself. This must be her Nen ability. For a second, she put it away. Instead, Machi reached down to close the dead man’s eyes as a final tribute to him. 

“Thank you for finding the exorcist. I hope you were able to get one last thrill,” she mumbled before her fingers lay on his eyelids. “I should clean up his face. He was always so vain about-”

Before Machi could finish her statement, she fell back in a gasp. “Aura?” 

“Aura? What do you mean? He’s dead.” My words moved faster than my mouth.

“Post-mortem Nen” was all Machi could say before even I felt the power of his aura. Hisoka’s eyes open before he coughs up some of the blood that still racked his lungs. Quickly, he stood so that he was towering over a quivering Machi and myself. 

Breath caught in my lungs. No. No one can come back after death. This must be a joke or he really wasn’t dead. “Hello,” spoke the clown as if nothing had happened. He looked down at Machi who still had her thread dangling from her fingers. 

I stood in fear at this monstrosity before me. “Was I really dead?” asked the clown. 

“Yes.” Machi had recovered from her shock faster than myself. “You still want me to stitch you up?” She rose to her feet while looking at the minutes-ago-corpse. 

“No. That won’t be necessary,” he responded. Before my eyes, Hisoka uses his Nen to patch up the bleed that still ran down his neck. He grew limbs from his hand and foot. Even his face seemed to magically reappear perfectly fine. Nen must be more powerful than even Illumi leads me to believe if it could create limbs out of thin air. All of this was magic to me. 

Machi put back her strand of thread. “Maybe this will teach you to pick your battles. Seems you don’t need me anymore.” She walks towards the exit with full determination. Her hand grasps my forearm before pulling me in the same direction. My legs refused to work and were toppling over each other to finally leave. 

“No. I’ll not pick my battles,” replied the clown. I didn’t dare to look at him as I was caught up too much in my fear to even look behind me. Hisoka’s bloodlust could be felt throughout the arena even as we headed towards the exit. 

I could feel his presence before I realized that Hisoka was behind Machi. He wrapped his arms tightly around her frame. Machi let go of me in a fit of panic. I stepped back as a sign of space but it was all in vain as I fell to the ground. My legs caught below me. “Not with the spiders.” whispered the clown. 

Hisoka seems to wrap her in an immovable barrier. Machi claws at the invisible force that held her tightly to the ground. “Tell the spiders that I’ll kill any of them if I see them,” he said with the force of anger mixed with a sing-song tone. “Until they are all dead.”

“I’ll kill you!” screamed Machi with a force of anger unseen to myself. I crawled back until my back hit a wall. Hisoka’s eyes found my own as he smiled. “Be happy you’re not a spider. Too bad your boyfriend is.”

My blood ran cold as Hisoka walked towards the same exit that we were headed only a second ago. 

“You bastard! Get back here and get this off of me! I’ll kill you!” Each word was spoken with such vitriol that spit was flying for her mouth. He’d spared her to send a message. He wouldn’t do it again. 

“Taking my love for granted,” said the clown as he finally left. “Get out of it yourself and kill me.”

My hands shook as Machi kept screaming at Hisoka until her voice became hoarse. “Y/N get me out of this,” she cried to me. It wasn’t a plea but a command. 

“H-How?” I stutter holding up my hands. They shook like leaves in a hurricane. I should’ve died. No. Illumi could die. 

“Hasn’t your fuck up of a boyfriend taught you anything use Gyo. We don’t have time for this. I have to tell the boss or the rest of the spiders.”

“Shalnark and Kortopi,” I said quietly as I realized how much trouble they could be in. Hopefully they were able to leave so that Hisoka couldn’t find them. Even with all my shaking, I focused my Nen into my eyes. 

I saw a wrapped around pink hue that encased Machi. “I-I don’t know if my Nen can help this,” I cry while looking downward. “I’m new to this.”

“You have to try. Don’t let him scare you. Use this to your advantage as you’re learning. Help me so that I can kill him.”

“Okay,” I said while producing the fire once again. I had to let go of the Nen in my eyes to focus so much energy into the little spark of flame that ran across my hands. 

“Your ability is fire?” She said as her voice never lowered. 

“Yes,” I mumbled knowing how useless I was. Tears flooded my eyes knowing I chose wrong. This Nen ability was all wrong. I shouldn’t even be here. I should be at home and working my 9 to 5 job like everyone else. 

My hands clenched as every stress filled nerve in my body tensed up. It was all too much. I needed something else. I could feel my Nen taking shape once again. Fire transformed into a harsh metallic, jagged blade made of silver. Nen was transfused throughout the blade so that it was sarraded and harsh. As I held it in my hands, the blade would cut them up. The feeling was like a broken glass shard. 

I used gyo once again to see the same pink as before. I cut through the simple wrapping as if it was a piece of paper. My trembling cut her a few times to which she swore at me. Once Machi was free enough to escape, I dropped the blade. 

My weapon disappeared back into a smoky flame before going out. I’d learned about conjuring but didn’t think I’d actually have to use it. Fire always seems much more interesting than a metal that could harm you in use. 

“Call Chrollo to inform him. I’ll go see if I can stop Hisoka.” Machi was already running out of the room before I looked back up at her. Her rage was the only force she felt. A single thought ran through my head: was this the last time I’d ever see her?

My hands were a bloodied mess as I pulled out the phone Illumi gave to me. The metallic red smudged the screen as I tried to find Chrollo’s number. A sob wracked my whole body as I looked at the pool of blood that landed on the ground. 

“Y/N, what’s up? Did you enjoy-” Chrollo’s voice sounded cheery from the other end. He must be thinking that I’m calling to tell him that he did a wonderful job. 

“Hisoka’s alive,” I interrupted. “He’s alive and attacked Machi.” Tears streamed down my face. “I don’t know about the others. She’s alive but is trying to go after Hisoka. He’s going to kill the spiders.”

“-Calm down,” replied Chrollo with a sudden seriousness. “I’ll try to get Kortopi and SHalnark on the phone again. You call Illumi. Tell him where to meet you. Stay with him until we get this sorted out. I’ll call you when I have time.” Chrollo hung up before I could respond. 

The escaping blood started to make me feel lightheaded. I looked down at my covered shirt. A few towels were held by the arena exit. I had to stop the bleeding before I could call. I tied the towels so tightly that I had to cry out in a fit of pain. 

Blood still covered my phone as I called for Illumi. “Illumi, Hisoka’s alive. He attacked Machi. Things got out of control. I-I’m bleeding. Shalnark and Kortopi are in trouble.” Each short sentence was punctuated with a sob from my throat. 

“Where are you?” he asked. 

“In the arena,” I sob while falling back into the same wall that held me before. 

Illumi disconnected before he could respond. I slid down the wall so that I could cry while in my hands. Standing up was too much effort. This was too much effort. I should’ve stayed with Illumi and I wouldn’t have been in this mess. In the wait time, all I could hear was the perpetual screams of the dead and my own cries that wrecked me. 

I felt a hand on my arm before I realized anyone was there. I flinched back because I thought it would be Hisoka coming back to finish the job. No. I stared into the pit of Illumi’s eyes as I finally felt safe. My arms wrapped so tightly around him as I cried into his frame. He held me so tenderly as I felt every inch of water leaving my body. 

Once I gained a little composure, Illumi said “We need to go help Machi. Can you stand?”

“Yes,” I responded while finally being able to stand. All my limbs felt a little too much like jello and not enough like stable body parts. Illumi held onto my wrist so that he wouldn’t hurt my hand and we raced out of the arena. Night had quickly fallen for the town. Machi and the murder clown were not to be seen. Ambulances left a while ago and would be returning shortly to pick up more victims. 

Illumi observed the area to sense if there was any bloodlust still lingering by the two playing cat and mouse. We passed by many people still in daze and shock at what had happened. News vans and crews were taking statements of those who were here to witness the massacre. In the chaos, we were able to escape to a park.   
This was where I found Machi. She was taking deep, angry breaths while looking over at the swingset. As we got closer, I could see why she stopped pursuing Hisoka for the moment. 

Attached to the swingset was Shalnark’s body. It was a mangled, bloody mess. Birds were already pecking at their prey. At Shalnark’s feet, lay the decapitated head of Kortopi. Hisoka had already started killing spiders. These were his first two victims. 

Illumi pulled me into his arms to try and cover the scene; yet, it was already drilled deep into my brain. Two of my friends were dead and I couldn’t do anything to stop it. I’d never hear Shalnark’s chipper voice again or Kortopi’s laughter as he tried to one-up the rest of the troupe. These were the dead corpses of friends that would never return. 

Illumi held me as I cried into his chest. Nothing else would suffice as he held me so tightly and protectively that I couldn’t let go even if I tried. I didn’t want to let go. I wanted to go home and never see sunlight again. I didn’t want Illumi to leave. So, instead, he held me in the middle of this park.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did I start crying while writing this? Yes. Shal is my baby. Even though this is the worst chapter, I hope you've enjoyed it. I appreciate all the screaming coming my way soon enough.


	29. Everything is Going to be Different Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought I should put a warning about trauma and a little PTSD. Read at yoru own risk.

I didn’t know how long I had been crying when Illumi finally pulled me away from the scene of the crime. Police were patrolling the park even since they saw a huge flock of crows heading towards there. I couldn’t even stand facing the corpse of beloved friends again. I should be comforting Machi. She knew them better. These were her friends . 

“I’m going to take her out of here,” said Illumi to Machi. 

“Good idea,” she said. Her voice was hoarse due to the screaming match she had earlier. “I’ll clean this up. The boss will at least want to bury them.” 

“No,” I mumbled feeling tired from all the crying and exhaustion from the last few hours. “I-I can help.” 

My weak pleas fell on deaf ears. Illumi only pulled me along as I didn’t have much strength to fight him or did I have the drive to try. I couldn’t even have the energy to leave the crook of his arm. My feet would only carry me as far as he would take me. 

Before long, we’d reached a hotel at the edge of town away from the park, Heaven’s Arena, and the silent call of the police. I stood silently as Illumi asked for a room from the front staff. He gave a fake name and I.D. Once we’d gotten the room, Illumi finally led me to the bed. 

I collapsed on top of it. My body felt a numb tingle that reminded me of static noise. Too much of this seemed like a dream while all being too real. “I shouldn’t have brought you into this,” muttered Illumi as he took a seat in the armchair across from the bed. 

I wanted to respond; however, my voice wouldn’t come. I felt a sickness surge through my body. A nausea that I only feel when anxiety spikes beyond belief. My body moved on its own as it carried me to the restroom to relieve myself of all contents inside my stomach. Kneeling besides the toilet, all I could think about was Kortopi and Shalnark discussing how they’re going to be traveling. The two unknowingly less than an hour away from their death. 

My head pounded against my skull as I wretched until I felt nothing but an empty stomach that left me in pain. Illumi watched me from the entrance of the bathroom. My hand weakly went to flush before closing the lid and leaning back against the tub of the shower. 

Illumi took a seat right next to me but sitting on the tub itself. “You don’t have to watch over me,” I mutter while leaning my head back and closing my eyes. I hear the water running before feeling a cool cloth on my forehead. 

“I know,” he spoke. 

“I’m just tired.”

“I know.”

“You can leave,” I say while pressing the cool towel so that water rushes down every inch of my face. “I just want to stay here a little longer.”

He didn’t respond; however, I could still feel the heat of his body next to mine. His long hair tickled some of my face but I refused to move. This spot was perfect for letting the emotions wash over me once again. Tears refused to appear. I was only left with shaky breaths and a cold forehead. 

Suddenly, I felt a hand on my head. Illumi’s cold fingers ran through my hair. I opened my eyes to see him looking down at the floor while trying the most physical contact as he can muster. He’s trying to help even if he doesn’t know how. His gesture broke my heart all over again. “The first kill I saw was by Father. One of the butlers had acted up. Father told me to kill him, I refused. Father got more angry at my refusal and killed him for me. As punishment, I was forced into the prisons. He beat me endlessly for days.”

“Oh god,” I said while moving my hand to hold his on top of my head. His eyes never left the absent void that took over his vision. It was as if he was reliving the pain all over again; yet, he said it with such conviction. “How old were you?”

“Two.”

I sat up even further even though my quaking body pushed against me. “You were only two? H-how? Why?”

“I disobeyed. It is what happens.”

“And all your brothers?”

“Their experience was a little later. Milluki at 2 and a half. Killua, Alluka, and Kalluto at 3. I and Milluki had too many nightmares or he would have started sooner. 3 seemed to be the perfect age.”

I didn’t know how to respond to the messed up situation placed before me. He was trying to help but all I felt was bad for everyone around me. Everyone had lost so much and I was finally catching up to the program. I entered a war with kicking and screaming. 

“I’m sorry,” was all that fell from my lips. 

“I won’t treat our children that way. Since I’m not the heir…” his voice trailed off for the first time since I’d met him. This was a very different Illumi. His past is held under a tight lock and key. He holds it all in so tightly that he has to pick his thoughts. He’s always so calm and collected because a wrong choice could lead to more punishment by his father. 

“Already thinking of our children?” I ask while pulling my hand away from my hair. Illumi catches my hand first and takes off the blood soaked white cloth that I’d wrapped around it long ago. 

“Yes of course.” My hand was a sore, bloody mess. The bleeding had stopped a while ago; yet, the coagulated blood had become dry and itchy. I removed the other hand’s covering. “How did this happen?”

“Nen,” I mumbled. “I used my Nen to create a makeshift metal to cut through Hisoka’s ability. All I could think about was saving Machi yet I was hurt in the process.”

“I see.” His eyes finally left the void as he turned to look at me. If I didn’t know any better, I could’ve sworn his eyes were a little more glossy than before. “We need to get you clean. I’m hoping the concierge doesn’t call the police.”

I scrunch my nose in confusion before I notice all the dried blood on my shirt. I lifted the cloth from my face to see it stained in the same crimson as my clothes. “Oh,” I responded with realization at how I must look. I tried to push myself up but the wounds on my hands sent me spiraling back down in pain. 

Illumi held onto my arm as he pulled me up and into the tub. “You don’t have to do this. I can take care of myself.”

“I know,” He said before walking to the door. “If you need, call. I’m going to see about getting you a change of clothing. You can take a bath by yourself?”

“Yes,” I said while already starting to strip off my shirt. Illumi nodded before leaving the door open a crack. I finished getting undressed and the water started. A bath was perfect for what I needed. I didn’t want to move but I needed to get clean. Slowly, the bath started to turn a light shade of pink as blood mixed with water. I washed every bit of my body until I felt mildly clean. 

My mind cleared a bit in the soaking tub. The heat made me feel even more tired than my aching body did. Once I felt I was clean enough, I let the water out, grabbed a towel, and finally stood on my own two feet. 

Illumi hadn’t returned when I finally was able to walk out of the bath. I laid down on the bed with only a towel wrapped tightly around my body. The air conditioning pumped out a cool breeze while giving a high pitched hum. I could feel my mind wander to sleep before I registered that it was what was actually happening. 

I only awoke to Illumi shaking my body. “I’ve gotten you some new clothes and some food.” I sat up while looking at the fashion sense that Illumi had picked out for me. He had gotten a few outfits and a set of pjs to wear. They weren’t terrible. In fact, I’d call them fashionable. I changed into the PJs in front of him before taking a bite of the toast given to me. 

“Thank you. I must’ve fallen asleep.”

“Yes,” he says while removing his shirt to crawl into bed. He looked as tired as I felt. Sleep still held me tightly. I finished the simple platter of toast and a hard boiled egg before climbing back into bed with him. Instead of splitting sides like back at Kukuroo Mountain, Ilumi held out his arm so that I could lay on his chest. I obliged.

“Illumi?” I asked as his arm wrapped around me so that I could feel a little comfort in this tiny room. 

“Hmm,” he said while raising an eyebrow and looking at me. 

“What is your plan for us in the future?”

He paused to think. I was getting used to the pauses before answering questions. Weirdly enough, I knew he would actually answer them. Before, it was so easy to not hear an answer to my questions. Now, I knew he wanted to answer. 

“We have 4 kids. We move off the mountain and into another location as we have to. I’ll still keep with the business even though Killua has returned. You can work if you want. You don’t have to. We’d teach Nen to the children so they can be protected. That’s all I have planned so far.”

“You’re really stuck on four kids.”

“It's how many siblings I have.”

“I see.” With my head on Illumi’s chest, I could hear his soft heartbeat. My eyes closed at the sound. I wanted it to null me back to sleep. “Everything going to be different now?”

“Yes. For you it will,” he responded with the same groggy tone as me. He was falling asleep as fast as I was. 

“Why not you?” 

“I’ve been through this before.”

“Illumi?”

“Yes?”

“How many people have you killed?”

“You don’t want to know?”

“Then how old was your first kill?”

“2. Only three days after.”

“I’m sorry, Ill,” I mutter. The pounding of his heart felt more like a metronome that was slowly putting me into a deep trance. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” he responded before kissing the top of my head. That was the signal to my brain to finally allow me to rest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought I should give a little fluffy chapter before things will be getting serious again. Thank you so much for reading and commenting! They mean so much to me.


	30. The Space Between

I awoke to the simple movement of the bed as Illumi decided to finally get up. My eyes opened to see Illumi stretching in the golden glow of the sunrise’s gleam. A smile crossed my face as I watched the muscles ripple throughout his body. Each scare that lays across his back was another story that I’d hear one day. I snuggled deeper into the covers with a wish that his heat wouldn’t have left the bed. 

“Morning,” Illumi said in a husky tone that only morning can bring. He didn’t even turn around to make sure that I was awake. He knew me too well. 

“Hmm?” I hummed. “How’d you know…?” I didn’t finish my statement as a yawn wracked through my body. Illumi walked over to the kitchen to start a fresh pot of coffee. 

“We’ll go back to the mansion today. It’s too dangerous for you to be out and about,” he said while scooping coffee grounds into the pot. I wiped a little bit of sleep from my eyes while finishing a full stretch. 

“I’ll be fine,” I said while looking down at my scarred hands. “I need to continue learning-”

“Yes you do,” responded Illumi while walking back over to the bed. “I thought I could teach you the basics and you’d be fine. Sadly, I miscalculated. You shouldn’t have been put in that situation.”

“It was my choice,” I said while finally sitting up in bed. Blankets still wrapped around my cold frame. An ache was felt deep within my stomach as images of last night held in the air. I shoved each one deep within the recesses of my mind. I can’t- no- I won’t let them drag me down into the pit once again. “I need to learn how to control the Nen that I created.”

Illumi nodded his head as the faint beep of the coffee machine buzzed. The air became rich with the brew. A deep nutmeg permeated the space. “Nen is a fickle thing.” Illumi sat on the edge of the bed while waiting for the coffee to finish. A smile crossed my face as I climbed across the bed to meet him. 

“Illumi,” I mumbled while holding out a hand to touch his upper arm. He jumped at the simple touch as if it was foreign to him. I pulled my hand back while looking at the man. He didn’t seem fazed, just startled. I replaced my hand as I realized it was a reaction to touch. “I’m guessing you were touched a lot when you were younger...”

I could sense the long haired man’s refusal to answer. Instead of a response, he placed his hand on mine as a calling card. “Ill,” I mumbled while resting my chin on his broad shoulders. We paused for a moment as if to give permission for the other to speak. A silent vow that I was there for him even if he didn’t want it and vice versa. “I was thinking,” I said while interrupting the perfect silence. “I think two kids would be enough.”

“But-” protested Illumi while turning to meet my gaze. 

“-Two kids that were treated fairly is as much as all yours combined. We’d have a house in an urban district with a good teacher of Nen. You only take jobs that are needed while I work at a sister company from the one where I left. I’ll need to learn Nen so that I can protect our kids.”

“Our kids?” he asked, confused. The final beep of the coffee pot rang throughout the hotel room. We both turned to look at the pot before turning our gaze to each other. 

“Yes. Our kids.” I place a small kiss onto his lips. “You just have to promise me something.” Illumi responds with a harsher, more passionate version of my own kiss. I pull away only for him to wrap his thick arms around my frame and kiss me once again. 

“Ill.” I mumble against his lips. He still doesn’t let up. It isn’t until I’m gasping for air that finally he lets go of my sore lips. A few pants pass between us. “Don’t die on me. I’m not going to leave my kids with a single parent. No matter what happens, you can’t die.”

“I won’t,” he says while placing a few kisses on the jawbone. “I won’t leave you alone. I told you that you’re mine and I’m going to keep that promise.” A moan escapes my lips as he finds a tender spot on my neck. 

My hand travels to wrap around his neck and one hooked onto his back. My hands absentmindedly massage any scar that would appear before my fingertips. “H-how did these happen?” I ask through harsh breaths. Illumi, however, didn’t give up his pursuit. His lips had found my collarbone. 

“Illumi you really should respond when I ask you questions,” I tease while feeling his hands reach to the bottom of my shirt and my hips. 

“I’m busy,” he growled before forcing me to lie down onto the bed. A soft groan fell from my lips before Illumi decided it’d be better to kiss me. His tongue ran across my bottom lip as a request. In a smooth motion, Illumi removed my shirt. 

My hands finally were able to entangle in his thick, long hair. This act elicited a groan from the man above me which only encouraged me to play more. I could feel Illumi harden as we kissed. Each action would barely receive a response beyond the simple small moan. 

I helped to remove my bra as he removed my shorts. Illumi removed himself from my swollen lips to kiss down the rest of my body. Each kiss sent another tingly sensation that only fueled my core. Each action felt different than before when he’d touch me. Illumi wasn’t aggressive, angry, or lustful. There was some other emotion fueling this engagement. The kisses only stopped when he’d find a place particularly tender that would send shivers down my spine and force my body to mold into his. 

A single finger ran down my stomach until he touched the top of my panties. I pushed my body up so that I could watch as he slowly, agonizingly slowly, pulled down my panties. The sudden coldness of the room made my legs briskly close. Illumi held them open with his hand before leaning down to kiss my hips. 

A soft groan left my body before I fell back onto the soft blankets. Illumi left my hip before using his tongue anywhere but where I wanted it the most. 

“Illumi,” I groan while trying to find his head so that I could help him. He caught my wrist with the hand that was free. 

“You know the rules,” he muttered against my skin. “No touching. Not yet at least.” I, angrily, moved my hands back with a pout on my face. “Now that’s not what I wanted,” he grunted again against my inner thigh. His soft breath was so close I could feel the heat against my skin. 

“Whose are you,” he mumbled, inching ever so closer with soft kisses. 

“Yours,” I moaned softly while trying to move my hips to meet with him. My eyes closed with the hope of feeling blissfully unaware soon enough. 

“Louder,” he growled. 

“Yours,” I said a little louder as my hips bucked into the space between us. Illumi leaned in closer before hsi soft tongue found my clit. A moan ran through my body as I leaned in for more friction. My comment was rewarded with him finally licking a broad stripe against me. 

My breath hitched as he kept going. Sucking and licking every groan and moan out of mouth. Lewd curse words fell from my lips. Soft encouragement kept him going. With each lick, I could feel the coil begging to be snapped. My voice moaned out Illumi name so many times that I was finally merging it with the curses. 

As I could feel myself spilling over the edge, Illumi pulled away from me. “What the fuck?” I grunted while bucking for any attention that he would give me. 

Illumi moved back to my mouth and gave me a deep, fervent kiss. I could taste myself on his tongue which only made me feel wetter. “You have a foul mouth,” Illumi grunted while finally pulling away. I was able to wrap my arms tightly behind his neck and into his hair. “You need to say who you belong to louder and then maybe I’ll give you permission to cum.”

A soft spoken plea came from my lips. Illumi removed what little clothing he had left before sliding fully inside me. Our moans mixed with each other as our lips connected for another time. “I’m yours Illumi,” I groaned as he started a slow burning pace. “I’m only yours.”

More grunts came from Illumi as his head was buried into my collarbone. He was focused on keeping a steady rhythm and a too agonizing pace. 

My hands were clawing into Illumi’s shoulders as he picked up speed. Soon enough, the same feeling of falling started to build up deep within me once again. “You’re only mine,” he gunts into my ear before his pace finally falters. I could feel him getting too caught up in the moment to remember to keep the same steady pace. 

A few more kisses and Illumi finally fell over the edge. He grunts into my shoulder before I follow suit. I arch my back into his chest. Illumi pushes into me a few more times before finally getting his fill. My body still had a few trembles that worked its way out. Finally, Illumi moved his head so that he could look at me once again. “I love you,” he mumbled before giving a soft kiss to my lips. 

“I love you too,” I whisper before returning the favor. Illumi pulled out of me only to leave me cold. He flopped over to the side of the bed that had the most space for him. We both were left panting, sweating, and slightly sticky. 

“Two kids are alright,” he said. 

“Yeah,” I responded. I pulled the soft blanket back over my cold body. Illumi, a little confused because we really haven’t had much time after sex, placed an arm around me. “Coffee must be cold now.”

“Would you like me to make more?” he asked. 

“No. You’re alright.” I cuddle into his chest once again. I was beginning to like being held by him. My slight touches weren’t met with the same pull back as before. 

“Illumi?”

“Yes?”

“I’ll marry you. We just need a long engagement.”

I must’ve thrown him off because he didn’t respond. “Is that a yes?”

“I do want a ring and to actually be proposed to in a nice place but I would say yes.” Light twinkled behind Illumi’s eyes. A smile crossed his face before he kissed me once again. We only pulled away because a call rang from one of our phones. 

I groaned while pulling away. “It could be Machi. I have to ask how she’s been.”

“It’s my phone,” said Illumi while climbing out of bed to get his phone. My eyes traveled from the top of his head all the way down to his feet. All of him was a destination that I wanted to travel. He answered the phone in the monotone tone I remembered so vividly. He didn’t give much in the way of communication. The only answers he would give were “yes” and “I see.”

The phone conversation was brief. Illumi came back to bed quickly before I started to kiss him once again. Our lips became opposite attracting magnets for each other; however, I could sense something had changed. He wasn’t kissing me with the same aggressiveness as before. 

“What’s wrong?” I asked while laying a hand on his face. 

“That was Chrollo. I have a new mission.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all enjoyed! This one took a little longer to write. I'm so sorry. Hopefully it was worth it. 
> 
> Also, if you crave more smut, I have a one-shot story that I'll be adding a mixture of fluff, angst, and smut. There's a few up there. As of right now, its only the Phantom Troupe because I love them. I'll try to update that story on days I don't update this one.


	31. Hair Massages and Kisses

I sat up within the covers of the bed. My hands absentmindedly covered my cold exterior. “A new mission?” I questioned while looking into his eyes. A spark of pain raced across the dark black irises. “Why would Chrollo want you on a mission this early? He just let you join.” 

Illumi walked back to take a seat next to me. His eyes left my own as he stared deeply into the wall. A few pieces of hair fell onto his face. He must be as cold as I was. I hands wrap tightly around his broad shoulders while my head lay on his back. A calming peace washed over me as I noticed he didn’t flinch with my touches as much. There was only a slight hesitation when my fingertips hit his back. 

“They decided to join a ship sailing out to the outer continent beyond the known world.” While speaking, He moved his hand so that he could touch the supple skin that was wrapped so tightly around him. 

“What do you mean?” I question while placing soft kisses on his neck and upper shoulder. “Does this mean you’ll be leaving me again?”

“Yes,” Illumi says. His voice gained the same monotone that was used so regularly throughout our time. I was beginning to realize that he spoke with a void of emotion because he had to. Emotion was beat out of him so long ago. The small peaks and dips in his voice were only for those closest to him. 

“Can’t you stay with me?”

“It’s my job,” he mumbles while finally turning to look at me. The saddened glimpse in his eyes softened the harsh gaze. “I have to go.”

“When do you have to leave?”

“The ship embarks tomorrow night.” My grip tightened around his shoulders. A small tear ran down my face at the realization of it all. Illumi had returned to me yet he had to leave once again. “Why are you sad? You should know this is part of my job.”

“Ill,” I sigh while giving a bit to wipe my stray tear. “I just got you back and you’re leaving. Do you know how long you’ll be gone this time?”

“How about we stay in bed a little bit longer. The dock isn’t that far away. We can wash up and lay here awhile longer.”

Illumi pulled away from me to start walking across the room towards the shower. My hands fell to my side as he left. “Illumi? Are you trying to spare my feelings?” 

My hands twisted into a blanket that was thrown on the bed in our hasty activity. I wrap the fuzzy warmth around my bare flesh before following the tall man to the bathroom. His nakedness didn’t bother him one bit as he turned on the shower. 

I stopped at the doorway, afraid to move. Illumi finished the action of turning on the shower to the perfect temperature before he looked back at me. The glimmer of water fell from my lover’s pale face. Only a single tear dared to cross him. “It’s a long time, huh?”

His hand wiped across his face before looking at the wetness as if it was a forgein creature. I dropped the warm blanket before my arms found the frame of the tall man. My head buried deep into his chest. “It’ll be okay.”

Illumi’s eyes never left his hand. His head cocked to the side like a confused child learning to read. “Why are you confused?” I ask while looking up at him. 

“Tears. I haven’t cried in-,” his voice trailed off. “I shouldn’t be-.”

“You can cry,” I say while mirroring his confused stare. A typical emotion for me must feel so empty for him. He was a child having to relearn old information that was beat out of him so long ago. “Let’s just take a shower.” I’d dropped the blanket before climbing into the shower. The warm heat rushing over my body like a cascading river. I tugged on Illumi’s hand to pull him into my tight space. His body towered over my frame while taking all the water. 

The shower became a tango of finding perfect angles. When one got enough water, the other hadn’t finished. We stumbled and pushed through this task even though it was the most normal thing we’d done together. 

Illumi’s hair routine was far more complex than my own. I hadn’t realized Illumi starting to wash my hand until I felt his hands drap through my locks. The water washing over me and Illumi’s hands made me wish we could stay here forever. 

“I wanted to wash you from the first time I saw you undress,” he whispered in my ear before laying a soft kiss on my temple. “You looked so beautiful but terrified.”

“I was,” I said while leaning into Illumi’s touch. Not even the hairdresser could give the same satisfaction as his hands intertwined in my hair. “You shouldn’t have watched me.”

“But I wanted to. You were so beautiful that I couldn’t keep my hands off you.” Once he was done washing my hair, his hands roamed down my shoulders and below. Our intimate moment had nothing to do with sexual satisfaction. 

It isn’t until his hands reach my hips that I finally turn to look at him. I allow my hands to roam ever crevasse on his sculpted body. My hands only stop once I reach his face. I pull him in for a soft, slow kiss. “How long are you going to be gone?”

“I do not know when I will return. Chrollo said a minimum of two months.” My heart dropped to the floor. Illumi moved his hands to cup my face. “I will be fine.” He kisses me with the same softness as before. 

“You better return to me. I didn’t realize my love for you for nothing.” We stayed under the water until the drips of coldness hit our bodies. Kisses and mumbled “I love you’s” were mentioned too many times to count. It was almost sickening how sweet we were. 

I turned off the water before drying us both off. Once dry, we changed into clothes that would be more comfortable. We deserved a soft evening to ourselves before… The bed was the only place where we could take solace in each other's arms. 

Illumi held me tightly while my head lay on his chest. Our bodies intertwined like two strings. “I do have a job for you so that you’ll be less bored.”

“Is it more difficult than getting you into a troupe that your brother could’ve done?”

“Yes. At least it should be a little more complex. You will be able to travel more.”

“What is this task?”

“I want you to find someone.”

“Will I get paid?” I question with a smile plastered on my face.

“No. But I will promise to propose properly upon the time I arrive back home,” responded Illumi. 

“What will I be doing?”

Illumi sighs before stroking the small of my back. “I’ve been following my brother for a long time. When he returned home, I was able to track him down. I’ve lost sight of him recently due to actions with the rest of my family.”

“You want me to track down Killua?” I question. 

“No. I want you to find his so-called friend. His name is Gon Freecss. I want you to find him. He might know where to find Killua and Alluka.”

“What if I find them?”  
“Keep in contact with them. Hopefully Killua knows who you are. I told him about you.”

I looked up to see Illumi’s eyes. My face was washed with confusion. “You told your brother about me? When?”

“Told him is a strong word choice. I texted him about it. About our proposal and future marriage. I wanted to get the blessing of all members of the Zoldyck family who matter. As future head of the house, I wanted him to know.”

“When did you tell him?”

“The moment I laid eyes on you.” A smile crossed Illumi’s pale face. 

“He didn’t seem to know me when we met at the manor.”

“Killua must’ve forgotten. That is all.” Illumi spoke quickly which I took as a reason to back off the subject. “Will you accept my mission?”

“Of course.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will Illumi return home? Who knows. No really who knows because I really want to make sure he stays safe in this arc. Togashi needs to get on those new chapter because I'm concerned about his well-being. But we will get to meet Gon! Separation is only temporary when in love. Thank you all for reading. Hopefully you enjoyed! I can't believe 300 people like this story. All of you mean so much to me. I don't think I can say thank you enough!


	32. Clouds and Letters

Airship rides became a monotonous chore when you’ve become so used to riding with others. Illumi was able to get me a first class seat upon one of the soonest boarding ships to depart. He didn’t want me to have to see him off like this. We stayed in each other's arms until right before the last call. 

“Gon, shouldn’t be an issue,” said Illumi while handing me the bag of clothes and a card with an unknown amount of money. “Kill, on the other hand, might be. If you get in contact with Kill, then return home. I don’t need you dying while I’m not here.”

Our parting kiss was one of sweet sorrow. A single touch that felt finality. “You stay safe too,” I mutter against his lips. “You better come home to me or I’ll find Chrollo myself and kill him.”

Illumi only patted my head before pushing me to get on the last call from the ship. Now an hour into the flight, and I’m already homesick. Worry fills my face as I watch the clouds from far above. For the first time since I met Illumi, I was officially alone. With the Phantom Troupe, I had Machi who would protect me if things got too dicey. Visiting this strange person and figuring out what he knows is going to be a struggle. 

I open the backpack that Illumi had left for me for the tenth time. My seat neighbor was starting to get annoyed with the nervous clicking of the bag straps. He’d put in his headphones about ten minutes ago. 

Ever since last night, I hadn’t gotten a chance to look at everything that Illumi had bought me. My eyes spotted many conservative shirts and long pants. Typical. The debit card was tucked deep within the backpack’s outer pocket so that I can constantly check to make sure it’s safe. Illumi had promised me that as long as I bought things with this specific card, I’ll never run out of money. 

The last thing I pulled out was my phone. My phone showed the lockscreen which I replaced my normal one with a picture of us together. I had to force Illumi to try and take a picture with me because he was worried about his identity getting out to the public. A smile crossed my face as I could see the same on Illumi’s. Rather than looking at the camera, his only focus was on me. 

The last few hours seemed torturous as Illumi forgot to pack a book or anything to keep me busy during a long flight. Hours were spent in constant wonder if Illumi was okay or curiosity if he’d be fine. All of this only brought up my heart rate. 

My mind became a stir crazy mess of anxiety filled nightmares that only sadistic villains could create. Finally, the plane landed in a small airport by the ocean. 

“Welcome!” said the cheery receptionist that guarded the front gate. Her plastered face must be sore from all the basic interactions that she had to perform throughout the day. It was almost unnerving how happy she was. I smiled at her even though the same shaking feeling wouldn’t leave my body. 

“Hello,” I introduced. “I was wondering if you could point me towards how to get to Whale Island.”

“Whale Island?” she questions. “Oh that tiny island! A boat should be leaving in an hour or so. You’ll have to talk to the front desk for tickets. I would recommend staying here for the day. It’s much better here than that island. 

“Oh I’m looking for someone. Thank you,” I said while walking away. The front desk was almost less helpful than the bubbly lady. I was able to purchase a ticket for the boat that was leaving in thirty minutes, not the hour.

My trembling hands grabbed the backpack as if it was my only lifeline for this broken world. I swung the bag so that I could wear it on my back; however, a sharp pain made me instantly remove it. I’d have to check out all the contents when I was on the boat. 

\--------------------------  
I wasn’t expecting a rickety old boat as our transport to this island. Paint had long disappeared with the crashing of waves; however, the crew seemed as eager as ever. The captain looked like any other pirate captain. His hair was an old, dusty grey that was all placed within a sea cap. He walked on a peg leg as if this all was a cartoon. 

“Good afternoon mam’,” said the captain in a deep throaty shout. “We’ll be at Whale Island within a few hours. You can stay down under the ship until our destination.”

“Thank you,” I smile while following his sweeping motion towards the bottom of the ship. Once my butt hit the hard ground, I noticed a few other people that were traveling on this ship. Most of the people seemed to want to be left all to their own which I’d happily oblige. 

My focus was back on the backpack that somehow stabbed me earlier. I was able to pull out every single thing within the small bag. Three shirts, two pants, a second pair of shoes, a few pins, and a hidden package wrapped up with cellophane and some tape. 

I pick up the pins in extreme confusion. One of them was logged into the backpack from all the movement. I held the three small pins in my hand and shifted them around. Suddenly, I remembered the pins that Illumi threw at me the night I was learning Nen. 

To not hurt myself, I placed them in the same pocket as the debit card. My next thought was to open the package. Ripping through the clear plastic revealed a box that was the size of the palm of my hand and a note. I held the box up to my ear and juggled it back and forth.The brown box in my hand which shook like a maraca. Rather than spoil the surprise, I decided to take a peek at the letter. Illumi’s perfect handwriting was scribbled so much that it filled up the sheet. It read:

Dear Y/N,  
I wanted to write you a note since I would not be able to contact you for so long. I hope this letter reaches you after we have parted. A letter seems like a better form of communication rather than a message. Mother told me that girls enjoy letters. Hopefully, you’ll enjoy this one. 

Inclosed, I have made sure to put down Gon’s home address so you can find him on the island. From my understanding, it shouldn’t be too hard. I have also included Killua’s most recent phone number in case he wants to know my location. 

I, also, wanted to discuss the box that came with this note. I’ve included some of my pins. Use them carefully because they will help manipulate a person into doing your bidding. For activation, make sure to stick one in a person, give a command, and they should do that command. 

Lastly, time seems like a fleeting ship passing before our eyes. Truly, I wished we’d met on better terms; however, I knew you had to leave. I couldn’t stand idly by and notice all the negativity in the world and you knowing nothing. I had to save you. 

I never thought you’d end up loving someone like me. I don’t think my mother and father could love me the way that you do. In your eyes, I can see hope and happiness. I haven’t had this thrilling feeling in the pit of my stomach since I was a child. 

I want to spend my life with you. Your beauty, intelligence, and strength outways any that I could muster from my form. I was terrified that you’d actually leave when I left. Once I closed that door, I realized my mistake. 

Now that I have you in my arms, everything is complete. You love a monster like me. Which is why I gave you the present. I will return, my love. We’ll be married upon my return. 

I love you,  
Illumi Zoldyck

Wet spots appeared on the thin paper. I pulled the piece away while wiping tears from my saddened eyes. He was never this vocal about our love. Trauma should be the culprit for that notion. My hands pulled the note tightly to my chest as if I were to consume the note, Illumi would appear. 

This mission was much harder than what Illumi mentioned. It had nothing to do with the actual task but being away from the person I loved so dearly that my heart could break at any moment. 

Once I felt composed, my hand went for the box. Inside, lay two things. One of them was the leather bound book that held all of Illumi’s details. The second thing was a small engagement ring. I held it to the shimmering firelight so that I could get a glimpse of its bright shine. I slid the ring onto my finger. Perfect fit. 

I couldn’t help but let out a sob as I crunch the piece of paper again. All I wanted was to make sure he’d be okay which, at this moment, I didn’t know. All my body could do is sob.   
\---------------------  
The boat finally let off at the dock by the shore of an extremely miniscule island. It was night time when we unboarded. I held tightly to the ring and the bag as if my life depended on it. Reaching land made my knees wobble with the change in sways. 

I was able to get the address of Gon’s house easily due to the lack of people on the island. Gon seemed to be a legend on the island and the person I spoke to only gave praise. Walking up to the house, everything felt surreal. Was I really about to go talk to this person that I did not know about his best friend?

My hand knocked on the door before I had time to think through the full answer to my own question. “I’m coming,” came a female voice. A quick unlock revealed a slender woman with a light auburn to her hair. 

“Hi, I’m Y/N,” I say with a smile. “I’m here to talk with Gon. I was wondering if he was here.”

The lady looked at me with confusion before calling out “Gon, there’s a lady at the door that wants to talk with you.”

“Thanks, Aunt Mito!” called back someone who sounded like a little boy. My confusion grew as this child bounded down the stairs to the front door. “Huh, who are you?”

“Oh, uhm, hi,” I stuttered while waving my hand. “I’m Y/N. I wanted to ask you a few questions about Killua. I’m friends with his brother, Illumi.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was a little bit more filler than normal; however, there was a letter about Illumi's feelings that I thought you all would enjoy. Thank you all for reading this story and commenting! Each one of you means so much to me.


	33. Doors and Hotel Rooms

I suddenly realized how all of this might look to an outsider. I, a fully grown adult, was talking with a child about the whereabouts of his best friend. He seemed so young and hopeful yet I could see some anguish deep within his eyes. It's the same look Illumi gives me when I ask about his past. It's the heartbroken look a mother gets when discussing an unborn child. 

Gon’s facial expressions scrunch up the rest of his face. “You’re friends with Illumi? Why?” This child’s hand was firmly on the door with the look that he'd shut in on my face if I said anything wrong. 

“Well,” I sigh looking down at the ring on my finger. “It’s a long, long story. Let’s just say that I had no way to not be his friend.”

“Are you being manipulated?” asked the green-haired boy. His eyes were squinted why he pursed his lips into a frown. “Do you need help?”

A smile crossed my face before I shook my head. “No I am completely alright. I’m here to see you.”

“I know that,” said Gon. “Are you going to give any information back to Illumi about Killua.”

A chuckle came from my lips. The sky had become a deep mauve before turning to night. Sea air held a misty feel around the small house. “As much as I would love to, he’s gone on a business trip far away. He told me that he’s going to be gone for a month at least.”

“Where would he go?”

“He’s with the Phantom Troupe on a mission. Illumi refused to tell me more about it,” I sighed while shifting the backpack. 

“Illumi joined the Phantom Troupe?” shouted the little boy as if this was a huge revelation. How did he know about the Phantom Troupe? Who was this kid? I felt as though I was back in the manor and Illumi was refusing to tell me anything once again. He’d sent me on a mission with so little information that it was going to be a struggle to even survive, let alone, find information about his brother. “Kurapika is going to be so angry. I should try to call him again. Maybe Leorio can tell him.”

Kurapika? Leorio? These names sound so familiar. Where have I heard those names before? No. I read them. They’re in the little book that Illumi had. I pushed the backpack off my back and started rummaging around inside until I felt the hard leather. My hands skimmed the pages until I found those stars. 

“You’re talking about Kurapika and Leorio Paradinight right?”

Gon’s eyes beat down on me as if I was going to attack him. He must be waiting for something dangerous to transpire. “Why do you know them? What’s in that book?”

“Oh,” I exclaim while closing the book. “It’s nothing. Illumi gave it to me before he left. I saw it when I was at the house and looked through. Yours, the other two, and Hisoka’s name were the only one treated with a little star by them. It seemed harmless enough when I asked. He just said you guys were friends of Killua.”

“Illumi talked about me?” 

“Not really. Just enough to say that you’re Killua’s best friend.”

“I thought Illumi didn’t believe in friends.”

“No. Hisoka’s his friend.”

“Did he tell you that?”

“No. He told me the opposite but he was upset when Hisoka died,” I said nonchalantly while closing up the backpack once again. 

“Hisoka’s dead?” gasped the little boy. “What? How? What happened? How do you know? How did he die?”

I shook my head at the questions before the flashbacks would appear once again. Flashbacks of Shalnark att strung up and bleeding from the swingset or Kortopi’s head sitting next to them. Even the ferocious look Machi gave to me when I had to cut her out of his trap. “Hisoka’s not dead now. He fought with someone in Heaven’s Arena and almost died. Well, he was dead and now he’s not.”

Gon’s face changed to a quizzical look. “So Hisoka isn’t dead.”

“Gon,” called the woman from inside the house. The boy turned to look back inside his abode.“It’s getting late. You still have a lot of school work to do tomorrow. Tell your friend you’ll see them tomorrow.”

He turned back to me before slowly starting to close the door. “I’ll meet you in the marketplace tomorrow. I’m not going to tell you about Killua just yet. He’s my best friend and he’s running from his brother.”

“Oh,” I say while cocking my head to the side. “I didn’t know he was running.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow Y/N,” said the boy as he finished closing the door. I was left in the pale light of the house's interior. My head began pounding at the thoughts that rushed through my brain. This was going to be much harder than I originally thought. 

I turned to go back to the central square of the small island. I‘d hope there would be a hotel that would allow guests. The once crowded, bustling square became desolate in the night. Shop keepers had closed down many hours ago. All that was left were a few empty stalls and a small building on the side. The lights were still on and a sign was hung stating: vacancies.

I walked into the quant building that seemed more like a bed and breakfast rather than a hotel. The front desk person was nowhere to be seen. Instead, there was a sign that read “ring bell for service.” A shiny silver bell was placed next to the sign. 

A single tap was enough to ring throughout the small entrance. A groggy woman stepped through the door. “Want a room?”

“Yes please,” I said while looking for the card Illumi had given me only hours ago. Had it only been hours? Time seemed to move so quickly whenever I wasn’t near my love. 

“How long will you be staying?”

I looked down at the fully black card with gold lettering that read: Illumi Zoldyck. “I’m not sure. Let's start with a week.”

“You’re going to stay here a week?” questioned the lady. A heavy scent of cigarettes filled the air every time she spoke. “No one stays here a week.”

“Okay,” I questioned. Her apathetic attitude threw me off. “Then we’ll say 4 days. Is that much better?”

“It’s your money sweetheart. Not mine. You can do what you want.”

The lady typed on an old computer. She picked up on the other keys that hung behind her in a rack. “Your room is on the second floor to the left. You’ll have to find your own breakfast. Enjoy your stay.”

“Thank you,” I said while taking my card and key from her hand. I climbed the stairs that were only a little further than the front desk. Indented in the key was the number three. Passing doors one and two, a thought ravaged my head. This was the first normal thing I was doing without Illumi. Getting a room and going to sleep as if I was on vacation or a small business trip. 

Loneliness settled deep within me. Freedom was always a prideful thought that pursued my life. Now I was a sad puppy with the hopes that Illumi would return to my side once again. I shook away the insecurities as I arrived at my door. 

The room was quiet. The designer must’ve been someone much older than myself. A quilt was placed on top of the bed to give some pizzazz to the bland space. The white walls were a different shade than the white carpet. 

A sigh left my lips while I flung the bag onto the bed. My body followed soon after. I rubbed my aching temples while my eyes stayed firmly shut. It wasn’t until I noticed a small shine that I fully opened them. The light reflected so beautifully off the diamond ring. “Lumi,” I mumbled while cuddling into the sheets. “What should I do?”

I knew Illumi wouldn’t tell me even if he was here. This was my problem to solve without him. Illumi was such an ass when he wanted to teach me anything. This mission was no exception. Illumi’s the biggest ass that I’ve ever known. But he’s mine. I miss him. 

I need to learn more about Gon before I can continue to tell him about secret information. If I could reverse time, I’d kick myself for giving away information about Hisoka. I could’ve used it as leverage for information with Killua. I’m so stupid. I don’t deserve the Zoldyck name. 

I groaned while finally sitting up in bed. I have to get down to business. If anyone would know the dirt on anyone, it would be the Zoldycks. Sadly, my favorite one was out of the picture. Kalluto should be on the ship too. Killua wouldn’t answer the phone. This leaves one Zoldyck sibling to call: Milluki.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if this one wasn't as great as the others. I promise it will pick up in a chapter or two! Thank you for reading anyways. 
> 
> I want to take this time to say that I've been trying to keep a constant schedule of uploads for this story. Its been about every two to three days I'll update. I will be taking a small break as my family is going on vacation and I'll not have access to my computer. I'm not going to promise but I'll try to upload a chapter on my vacation. This will be the longest break I've had for this story. I'll be back. I promise. 
> 
> In the mean time, I'll be on Tumblr when I can. Follow me @ write-like-you-mean-it.


	34. Flowing Out like a Current

While lying on the too empty bed, a groan escaped my lips. Calling Milluki is a hell that I didn’t want to experience. Out of everyone else, he’d have the information that I needed. I took out the phone and dialed the home number. 

A butler’s voice answered from the other end of the line. This time it was a woman. Usually it was a man who answered the phone. “Hello, Zoldyck residence speaking.”

“Hi, this is Illumi’s fiance,” I said. “I was wondering if you would be able to put me through to Milluki. I’m on a mission and need some guidance.”

There was a short pause before the response, “yes, one second.” The phone clicked over to another line. 

“Who is bothering me this late into the night?” shouted Milluki. “You should know this is time for me and my woman.”

“Milluki,” I sigh while my head rests firmly into my hands. On the other side of the screen, I could hear a woman’s voice talking. It was so high pitched and fake that the sound almost made me gag. “This is Y/N. I need your help with something.”

A muffled gasp came across the line which was followed shortly by keystrokes being pounded into the computer. “I’m so sorry M’lady. I hadn’t meant anything by my statements. The butler told me it was my brother on the line. Not your beautiful voice.”

I massaged my temples as the feeling of the throbbing headache started to take over my body. “It's alright. I need you to tell me everything you know about Gon Freecss.”

There were a few more clicks of the keyboard before the girl's voice shut off. “Anything for you. It will only take a second, princess.” A cold shiver ran down my body with the pet name. If I weren’t desperate, I would’ve hung up right then and there; however, he was the only Zoldyck in my arsenal. 

“Gon Freecss,” said the voice from the other end. Somehow, it sounded more out of breath than before. Maybe this was the first time actually talking to a girl that wasn’t related to him. “He’s the son of Ging Freecss who has an impeccable track record for a Hunter; terrible record for being a good father. Gon is Killua’s friend. He passed the Hunter exam a few years ago. Him and Kill fought at Heaven Arena recently. His talent is called Jajanken which seems to be like rock, paper, scissors. He was recently part of the Chimera Ant Extermination Team. He was injured while fighting and was in the hospital for awhile. Now he resides at Whale Island with his aunt and grandma. That is all that I could find, princess.”

A small gag couldn’t have been helped. “Thank you Milluki,” I sighed. “Is there anything else that you could tell me? Are you sure that’s it?”

“I can look for more. Why do you need to know this? Is Illumi pushing you too hard? YOu can always come back to me. I’ll treat you well.”

The longer I was on the phone, the more bile rose in my throat. As much as I wanted to scream misogyny against this perverted soon-to-be brother-in-law, I had to keep him on my side. It’s a disgusting balance between morals and obligation. “Thank you, Milluki,” I repeated. “If you find anything else, please call me. Only call me for those details. I’m undercover so answering things will be hard.”

“Be safe, my love,” purred Milluki. “Come back to me whenever Illumi betrays you.   
I’ll be-” Click. If I’d listen to any more of his dribble, I was going to be sick. My arm cascaded back to the bed as a sign of defeat. There must be more about this boy if Illumi would tell me to see him specifically. A nice sleep will become my only solace in this mind game of my life.   
\-------------------------

I awoke later than expected. Sleeping had felt like a chore before. It was an end to a mean. Last night, it was hard to fall asleep. I’d been surrounded by someone else for the past few months so that the lack of people made me anxious. 

My mind was still groggy from tossing and turning throughout the night. A cup of coffee and a warm shower should ease the throbbing head and aching muscles. Water cascading down my spine felt like a dip into my peace. A calming sensation washed over me with every inch of water. Once I got out, I felt refreshed and new. Only the cup of coffee and I’d be like myself again. 

I changed into a different pair of clothes before meeting the small boy from before. He said to go to the marketplace so that is where I will be until he returns. A single step outside the hotel showed the marketplace. The courtyard turned from a desolate wasteland to a thriving, bustling town. People shouted and called their wares for sale. A lot of fishermen’s wives were selling fish caught in the morning tides while their husbands stayed out late. 

Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw the little boy running around the shops. He seemed to be looking for something. His eyes fell onto a small candy stall where he bought a piece. 

“Gon,” I called while waving my hand in the air. The boy turned to look at me as his eyes narrowed. 

“Hi,” she says while walking up to me. 

“Follow me. We’re gonna get away from people.” I cocked my head before following the small boy away from the group of people. He led me to a ridge of the mountain top that overlooked the ocean. 

The ocean was a beautiful shade of deep blue in the cascading sunlight. Only a glimpse of the lighter shades would appear when the current washed over the sides. The pushing and pull of the current was transfixing. 

“Why do you want to meet Killua?” asked Gon. He was getting straight to the point. He was intimidating for as young as he was. I could see deep within his eyes that there was a caution to his tone that was not there for long. 

“To be honest,” I sigh while taking a seat on the cliff edge. “I don't know. Actually, Illumi told me to stay far away from Killua. I was only to find you.”

“Huh?” he asked while sitting next to me. “Why were you looking for me?”

“To see where Killua is.”

“I’m not going to tell you. He’s too important to me. Plus you’re with Illumi.”

“Well I’m with him but not physically. He’s gone for awhile and I have no way to contact him.” The crashing sound of waves became the intermediate sound between our voices. “He’s gone on a mission.”

“Killua doesn’t want to be like Illumi,” said Gon. “He doesn’t want to be like his family at all.”

I turn to look at Gon’s stoic face as he stares across the ocean. But if he is to be the heir of the household, how can he not want to be an assassin? “Interesting,” I sigh while kicking a small rock off the cliff side. “Gon, what happened? I heard you were involved in an accident. Are you alright now?”

A brief pause filled the hot air. This pause was different than when with Illumi. Gon’s pause held more desperation and sadness than Illumi’s. 

“I got hurt because I was too strong. If it wasn’t for Killua, I wouldn't be here. That is why I have to protect him.”

“So, Killua means the world to you?”

“Yes.”

“He sounds like a good friend. I recently almost saw my best friend die. A few of my other ones did. It changes a person. If it wasn’t for Illumi, I would’ve been dead.”

“Illumi?” 

“Yeah. Hisoka would’ve killed me.”

Gon’s face turned to look at me. His stoic demour paused for a second to see the child-like wonder held deep within his eyes. “You almost died by Hisoka? Why didn’t he kill you?”

“Long story, kid,” I sigh while watching the water once again. “Did you hear what happened in Heaven’s Arena the other night?”

“No. Aunt Mito told me that I have to finish my homework instead. I’m lucky that she let me meet you. Normally I’d be doing my chores about now.”

“If you need help with them, I’d gladly help. I have to make up with you missing part of your day talking with me.”

“Thanks! That’d be really nice of you.” For the first time, I saw him smile. “But what happened at Heaven’s Arena?”

“Oh. Hisoka versus Chrollo battle. Hisoka lost and went on a rampage against the troupe. Which is why I’m worried for Illumi and Machi. He’s already killed-” Tears filled my eyes but I refused to let them drop. “He killed Shalnark and Kortopi. His goal is to kill the rest.”

“Wow. Hisoka lost a battle. I’ve never even seen him get close to losing. I was only able to punch him in the face.”

“You battled that lunatic?” I questioned. 

“Only because he challenged me,” said the hyper boy. “I could only become a Hunter if I was able to hit him in the face. 

“Was that one of the rules? Truly, I’m new to all this stuff. Being a Hunter was never my top priority so I never took the test.”

“This was after the test. We had to learn Nen to get to the 200th floor. We were able to train while fighting.It was so cool. I was able to-”

My thoughts shifted to the battle once again. All the chaotic elements mixed together. It must’ve been a different battle than the one I witnessed. I doubt he would have battled this child to death. Why would Illumi want to be friends with a monster that would hurt a child?   
“-So do you know Nen?” I realized that Gon was still talking as I finally came back to reality. 

“Yes I do. I’m not that great at it yet. How about you?”

Sadness filled his eyes once again. “Yeah. I learned about it. But because of the accident, I can’t use it at the moment. That doesn’t mean I won’t try. I just have to figure out how to get it flowing again.”

A thought popped into my head. “Gon, you know Nen well, right?”

“I wouldn’t say well. I still get confused with the harder stuff.”

“How about I show that I’m trustful while you train me? That way you can practice Nen even when you don’t have it and I can learn more.”

“Okay! I haven’t had a student before!” With that, I could see excitement once again fill his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally back from my vacation! I'm so hyped to be back writing for you all! I have at least 10 more chapters planned out in the story! Thank you all for your support. I can't believe there are so many people that love this story. All the nice comments seriously give me life. I'm glad to be back to give you content!


	35. An Emerald’s Deal

After Gon and I’s encounter, we had to part ways. He had homework to finish and I had my skill to practice. My eyes watched as the small boy walked away into the deep emerald green forest. His walk even seemed to be too confident in his skill, himself, and his mind. It was awe inspiring to watch this child. Even as he went further away, I could feel the powerful aura emanating from his body. 

A slight smile wrapped my face as I looked back over the sea. I need to practice my aura today or I would be in for torture tomorrow. Gon, while seeming wistful and naive, feels distrustful and uncaring towards my plight. If I was ever to find Killua, I had to gain his trust. 

Aura was always hard to produce. It took so much of my strength that a three mile jog would’ve felt better. Instead, I took on top of a high cliff with a small flame wisping in the sea breeze. My goal was to try and replicate how I turned the flame into metal. 

The more I focused my hand onto the flame, the more it sparked and grew; yet, the metal never came. Instead, I felt the heat radiating across my bruised skin. The ache of holding and producing the flame was wearing on my already shaky determination. How was everyone else able to be so amazing at their skill while I could barely hold a flame?

Clouds of questions permeated around my brain. It’s been so long since I was stuck in the rut of unknowing. Recently, Illumi had been so forthcoming with his thoughts. It took many months of convincing but I was finally someone he could reside in. 

Once darkness clouded the sky, I extinguished the flame. My shaking hands turned over to reveal the sparking ring Illumi had given me. Given his wealth, I was nice but not too gaudy. It was as if he wanted to show off but stay hidden. A dichotomy which fit our relationship so well. We want to stay hidden while also being ourselves. 

Raindrops hit the skin on my hand. My eyes registered the wet skin before my hands felt it. The burning ache must’ve dulled some of my sense of touch. A few more drops fell before I headed back towards the hotel and the old, crabby lady that ran it. 

A full twenty four hours pass before I could see the green-haired child once again. This time, his bandaged arm was wrapped with new gauze. “Oh, hello, y/n!” he shouted over the crashing waves. His unbroken arm moved back and forth quickly. “I hope you’re ready today!” 

His cheerful voice made me smile. “Were you able to finish up all your school work?”

Gon’s enthusiastic waving slowed as he put his hand behind his head. “Yeah, math isn’t as much fun as training. I wish I could show you how to do everything but I’ll be stuck telling instead. Plus I’ve never done this before so it might be a little terrible for a bit. 

A chuckle fell from my lips before I finally caught up the child. “I don’t care if you’re terrible as long as you can help me. Illumi was one of my teachers so you can’t be as bad as him.” The mention of Illumi made Gon’s normally cheerful smile falter. “I-I didn’t mean to bring him up. It’s just a habit.”

“It’s alright,” said Gon before putting his hand into a fist. “First you’ll want to practice Ren until you collapse.”

“Ren,” I repeat trying to think back to the book that Illumi gave me. We’d skipped any step that wasn’t needed in protection or survival. “Ren is just using your aura around your body, right?”

“Yes! So I’ll keep time. You hold as long as needed. I can ask you questions to help pass the time.”

I sigh before pulling the aura around my body. Already, I felt hot and tired. Maybe I’d trained too much on my own the day before. Gon had pulled out a small timer before asking “so how did you end up with the Zoldycks especially Illumi.”

The question caught me off guard enough that I dropped my aura. “What?” I questioned. 

Gon hit the timer and scoffed. “Three seconds isn’t that great but that means we have a lot of room to improve.”

“No, Gon,” I say while holding out my hand. “I’m sorry. I can go longer. Your question worried me. I’ll do better next time so give me another chance.”

Gon narrowed his eyes while resetting the clock. “There’s going to be a lot of things that catch you off guard. You’ll have to be prepared for that. I’ll let you go again but I’m going to take your next shot as the first official one.”

“Of course,” I say while igniting my Nen from deep inside of me once again. “Do you promise not to judge me?”

“Yes.” Looking into his emerald eyes, I knew he was telling the truth. 

“A few months ago, I got a little too drunk at a bar…” My mouth spilled the rest of the story. It was as if this child had a grip on the string of truth and pulled everything out of my mouth. I did save him some of the details that were too much for a child; however, I told him everything else. All the feelings and pain poured out of me like the aura around my body. 

By the time I had told the last of my story, I could feel my body give out. My knees collapsed and I fell to the ground. “There. That’s all I can give now.”

“Wow,” said the child as he sat next to me. “You lasted thirty minutes. The last ten, you were shaking.” He paused before clicking back to the start. “Isn’t it weird that you love him? He’s a real jerk. The first time I met him, he told Killua that he'd never be good enough to have any friends.”

“That sounds like him,” I sigh. My body was still trying to catch my breath. “He has high expectations but I’m guessing it's from his dad.”

“Really? Why?” Gon looked at the timer again. “Also once you can stand, you’re going to aim for longer.”

“Silva told Illumi that Killua was the only one that matters. Plus, Illumi did everything Killua did but earlier. Illumi told his father no when he was told to kill someone at two and he was beaten.” After a few more seconds, I finally was able to rise and get ready to use my aura once again.

Gon sat on a rock close to the edge of the mountain. “Ready?”

“Yes,” I mumble while holding my aura once again. I somehow felt weaker and stronger like a dull flame that could burst into a forest fire at any moment. 

“Illumi’s just had a hard life. It took awhile for him to be able to trust me.”

“Illumi’s a monster,” replied Gon. “I wouldn’t have forgiven anyone that kidnapped me.”

“Yes he kidnapped me but it had to be done. A lot of terrible things would have happened had he not taken me away. Plus, once I’d been in the mansion, people would be hounding me to get back in and share Zoldyck secrets. Unlike you, I had no knowledge of Nen. I was a normal person before all this. 

“Still,” mumbled Gon while watching the timer again. “I wish Killua was here to help explain why you should leave him.”

“Why isn’t he here? Shouldn’t your best friend be here to help with your injuries?”

“He’s with Alluka. We’ll meet up later but I have to make up some of my school. 

I could feel my body starting to give. Was it really hitting that 30 minute mark? “When is he coming back?”

A smile fell on Gon’s face. “Maybe you’ll believe Killua if he tells you. He knows Illumi better than anyone else.” I could see the inner fight between him and his mind. “How about I give you a deal? I’ll introduce you to Killua if you can hold Ren for 2 hour by the time he returns?”

“Depends,” I say while finally falling to the hard ground once again. “When is he coming back?”

“You’ll have one month? Do you think you can take on the challenge?”

“Deal.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so so sorry for the very long time between updates. I recently got a new job! I’m still trying to learn the ropes so it’ll continue to be sparse updates for a bit. My goal is to update every week rather than every other day. 
> 
> I still have so many plans for this story. Thank you all for reading and commenting. I’m so glad all of you still want to read my stuff!


	36. A Young Boy's Trauma

Killua arrived in 4 weeks. The countdown of Killua’s return made learning Nen even more difficult and taxing than previous attempts. Rather than learning at my own pace, I had to speed through training that might take years to complete. The closest I ever got to this level of training was when I trained with Illumi. However, Gon’s training was relentless. We would always awake at the crack of dawn, followed by a small run around the forest, and lastly Nen training until I collapsed from exhaustion. 

My only solace has been the heartache of missing Illumi finally dulled to a painful throb only felt when I had failed once again to hold Nen in my body for the full time. The two hour mark became a pain in my ass. I’d barely been able to break over 30 minutes within the past week that we’d been training. 

“C-can we take a small break?” I asked after collapsing for the third time of the day. Gon had taken a seat on a moss covered rock that overlooked the sea and myself. He wasn’t paying attention to me. Even his childlike mind had too much stuffed into the time he’d been alive. I sighed while taking a seat next to him. “Gon?” I questioned in hopes of gaining his attention. 

The boy finally turned to look at me with the plastered smile on his face. This time it didn’t reach his eyes. “Oh, yeah a break is fine.” With his untampered arm, he handed me my water bottle. 

We looked out at the crashing waves far from the shore. A small tension filled the air as I wondered if I should ask him about what took up so much space in his mind. My hands absentmindedly played with blades of grass as the ocean breeze fluttered through my hair. 

“Gon, what might be on your mind. You seem distracted today.”

His eyes never left a far off point in the sea. They were like a wandering traveler who was only here as a stop and knew the better and bigger world that awaited him beyond the shore; yet, he couldn’t go. “Yeah, I’m alright. Watching you use Nen makes me miss my own power.”

“What type of Nen did you have?”

“I am an enhancer. I use a rock, paper, scissors thing called Jajanken. It is so cool. I can demonstrate it for you,” said the boy with excitement returning to his demeanor. He stood up on top of the rock before he realized what he was doing. The physical manifestation of realization followed by sadness took over his small frame. “Or I could if I did have Nen. I am lucky though. I’m still alive.”

“What happened to make you lose your Nen?” I asked. Gon stepped off of the rock and sat back down onto it. 

“I’ll tell you once you get to an hour,” he said before pulling out the timer once again. “You’re at 45 minutes. You’ve had a break for long enough.” His tone had sharpened like a knife. The awkward tension returned and fluttered with the ocean air. 

I stood up and returned to my state of Ren. “I’m sorry,” was all I could say. 

\--------  
Soon it was only 3 weeks until Killua’s return. I hadn’t made much more progress. Every single day felt like my body was splitting into two separate pieces. What was even worse was that Gon was refusing to help me as much as before. I don’t know what I said that ticked him off so much. 

At this point in training, I’d been able to hold my Nen for 55 minutes. Too short for any explanation and long enough that I didn’t have as much time in the day. With sleeping, I had at most 7 hours to practice. 

The morning runs became more difficult as Gon didn’t let me catch up to him anymore. He began sprinting through the forest; however, I did not have his experience. Unlike him, I did not grow up in the forest. I was stuck following in his footsteps rather than matching pace. Once arriving at the same mountaintop, we’d practice Nen. 

Today, I was determined to hit that dreaded 1 hour mark. I had to or I would never get close to meeting the goal set by Gon. For hours, Gon would sit on the rock overlooking the ocean and watch the timer. He did nothing else for he was lost in his sea of thoughts. 

Part of him reminded me of Illumi. His quietness reminded me of Illumi and I’s first meeting. Illumi was always so quiet and lost in his own thoughts. It wasn’t until he finally opened up to me that I could actually love him. 

Illumi’s words of how no one has ever loved him before filled my heart. Because of everything that happened after we consumed our love, I forgot to digest the words. The pain sent a sting straight to my heart. Illumi only ever wanted love and I was the first person to give it to him. 

My mind wandered to him sitting on that boat in the middle of the ocean. Was he alright? Was he still alive? How is Machi and Chrollo doing? During these weeks, I started to get nightmares about the events that had happened. Machi and Chrollo blame me for not being stronger. If only I had a way to control my power then Hisoka wouldn't have… No. I can’t blame myself for actions that happened in the past. 

“One hour,” remarked Gon. 

“Huh?” I questioned while dropping Ren. 

“You’ve made it to a full hour. I’m a little surprised.”

“Oh. It’s already been an hour?” I looked out over the sea to see the sun had dramatically lowered in the sky. “I hadn’t noticed.” I took my seat next to Gon.

“I could tell.”

He, once again, handed me my water bottle as I took a full sip. I, also, hadn’t realized how thirsty I had become. While finishing the full bottle I remembered our conversation from a week ago. Would he want to discuss his past with me? Should I bring it up? I decided to try with a small “so…”

“I lost my Nen when I almost died. Alluka saved me from myself. If Killua hadn’t been there for me then I would’ve lost everything.” His words fell from his lips as if he was an adult recounting a time in his childhood. Gon continued, “A close friend of mine died because I wasn’t strong enough. His name was Kite. When he died, it was the second time he’d saved me. I owe Kite and Killua everything.”

“Kite? I’ve heard that name before,” I said while thinking back in my memory. “I think he was a contracted support for my work many years ago. I don’t remember much of him because I didn’t see him after the initial meeting. He’s a stoic quiet guy. My old boss never said anything bad about him. I’m sorry he lost his life.”

“Yeah, Kite was a good man.”

“You have a lot of good people in your life, Gon.”

Gon finally turned to look at me. He sniffed a bit while wiping his eyes with the unbroken hand. “You’re right.” I instinctively, wrap my arms tightly around this crying child. I hold him as he sobs deep, emotional trauma. From the cries, I could tell these were all emotions that had yet to be processed in his mind or he was still going through them. 

“It’s okay,” I say, still holding him in my tired frame. “Everything will be alright.” 

“Killua has always been there for me and when he needed me the most, I was too busy with my own thoughts. I hurt him so much and I-I don’t know how to..” His voice cut off back into another sob. 

I held this crying child until his sobs turned into the shaky hiccups after a long cry. “Gon, explain what happened.”

“I went after Kite’s killer. She was so powerful that I had to use all the Nen left for the rest of my life. I told Killua that this fight wasn’t with him and that he should leave. So he did. I-I did mean to. I was just hurt and in so much pain and Killua wouldn’t understand. He couldn’t-”

“Gon, it’s okay. Killua saved you. He still cares about you. He’ll return. That’s all that matters. Truly, I’m more upset with the fact they allowed you on such a dangerous mission that could’ve gotten you killed.”

“It’s alright. I wanted to go. I had to save Kite but I should’ve brought Killua along. He is my best friend and I don’t know what I’d do without him.”

A smile crossed my face as Gon wiped away a few tears. The sun had fully set at this point. Darkness crept up on us. “Would you like some dinner from Aunt Mito? I don’t know about you but I’m starving.”

“Sure, Gon,” I smiled but after that day, I didn’t look at him like a child again.   
\--------

Only two more weeks until Killua would arrive. Time was running shorter and shorter. Everything felt like a ticking time bomb. Frustration grew as I couldn’t seem to grasp holding onto my Nen for more than an hour and 15 minutes. I only had such a short time. 

After Gon’s confession, he finally was able to open up to me more. He told me about everything that happened with York New and about his friends Leorio and Kurapika. He told me about his adventures at the Hunter exam. He told me about Greed Island and the hunt for his dad. Lastly, he told me about meeting his dad. 

The more stories he told me, the easier it was to hold my Nen. Within the past year, Gon held such an interesting life. Part of me wished that he’d tell me about what happened with Kite but I knew better than asking. Instead, I learned more about Gon than any other child. 

It was nice to sit and listen to someone else talk. Illumi was never a talker. 

“So when’s the wedding?” asked Gon. His question caught me off guard but I was still able to focus on the true task at hand. 

“We haven’t picked a date or anything. Truly he asked me less than a month ago. I don’t know when we’ll get a chance. Most likely it’ll be at some place expensive as he is a Zoldyck.”

“Do you know that means you’ll be related to Killua?” asked Gon while jumping up and down. 

I laugh and reply, “I’ll also be related to Milluki and Kalluto.”

“Wait, you've met Killua’s other siblings?”

“Yes, I have lived at the Zoldyck manor for a quarter of a year. We had a family dinner once which was a shitshow.”

“How’s Killua’s dad and mom. He rarely talks about them beyond what his father forced him to do as a kid.”

“Oh well his father is domineering and a presence. His mother is a nutcase. She’s a little crazy but so is his brother. Killua’s grandfather is cool though. He helped me with my Nen just like you. With Illumi’s family, it’s no wonder how he ended up the way he was.”

“Are you excited to be a part of the family?”

I’m not sure. They might actually kick us out of the house as Illumi isn’t the one to inherit the Zoldyck name. We haven’t really talked about it.”

“Illumi should inherit it. Killua hates his family. Illumi would be a much better head of the house than Killua anyway. He doesn’t want to become anything like his father.”

“Neither does Illumi. He only wants to be praised and loved.”

Gon looked at me a little strangely. “Same with Killua. Maybe you’ll be able to convince them to finally talk.”

“Yeah, maybe.” I chuckle while thinking how that conversation may go. Finally I released my Nen and felt the same exhaustion as before.”

“One hour and 16 minutes,” said Gon.

“Shit. 

\-----

One more week. One more week and I only felt weaker than before. At the week deadline, I climbed out of bed only for my stomach to churn and force me into the bathroom. The hotel room had become a new home for me. Throwing up last night’s meal given to me by Mito was disappointing. Mito was almost as delicious of a cook as she was kind hearted. Gon had been inviting me back to his house after training because I’d been here so long.

I knew I’d not felt well the day before but I chalked it up to finally getting within the 1:45 mark on time. Instead, I knew this was a whole new feeling. I hadn’t felt this sick in ages. My head ached and I’d become tired so quickly. 

Standing over the porcelain bowl gave me a clarity that I had yet to have in the month since Illumi had vanished from my grasp. I muttered a quiet “shit” before emptying everything in my stomach once again. 

I decided to cancel training for the first time ever. Even over the phone, I could hear Gon’s sadness. He asked if he could bring soup over later. I obliged his request. 

Instead of staying in bed and trying to sleep it off, I decided to take a quick trip to the drug store. If my suspicions were right, I’d have a new problem on my hands. 

My hands grazed over the test that lay on the bathroom counter. I’d only taken it a few minutes ago but my hands were already shaking. I closed my eyes and held up the plastic test so that it was in eyeshot when I opened my eyes. 

As expected, the words “pregnant” lit up the screen. “Shit. Illumi got his wish.” I chucked the test across the room before lying back onto the bed with a million questions in my head. All of them falling to one answer, we never used protection.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back. It's only been twenty thousand years. So sorry for the delay. I'm going to try and get another chapter up within the next few days. Thank you all for the constant support. Illumi will return soon. Only 2 chapters away but the next one will involve Killua. I seriously can't thank you enough for everything. It means so much to me. Hopefully this was an adequate return.


	37. Killua's Return

My mind buzzed with every single emotion at once. The nausea was replaced with a rock as big as my stomach. Fear gripped my heart to the point I could feel it tightening around and squeezing the life out of me. The thought of life growing deep inside of me pounded against my skull. When I told Illumi I wanted to have his child, I didn’t mean this soon. 

The air around me began getting thinner and thinner as I tried to breathe in any amount of oxygen in my lungs. My hand grasped the front of my shirt as if I could force my lungs to take in any more. My vision started to cloud as I became fixated on the white stick in front of me. 

I threw the stick across the room as tears finally flowed down my cheeks. I should be happy. We wanted a kid; however, it should’ve been later. Why wasn’t I careful? Why wasn’t he careful? Illumi wouldn’t have planned this. No, Illumi wouldn’t have done this on purpose. 

Panic subsided to a dull throb in the back of my head. Tears continued to fall down my cheeks until I felt there was no more that I could cry. My mind was a metronome of two thoughts: I was happy and pure terror. While I was excited to marry Illumi, having children was a bigger step. This child would be a Zoldyck. They would be forced into a lifestyle that I wasn’t entirely sure I was comfortable with them doing. 

My mind still wasn’t clear the next day. I couldn’t cancel on Gon a second time as Killua’s arrival was less than a week away. I needed to talk with Killua about everything. Something didn’t seem right and the only person who may be able to help was Illumi’s younger brother. 

“Good Morning!” shouted Gon as I made my way across the clearing and to the familiar rock. “Are you feeling better today?”

Gon’s smile almost made me want to match it. He was so self assured that it was almost disgusting. Today, Gon was without his cast from the broken arm. Gon waved the newly formed arm as if to show that he truly is whole again. 

“Morning, Gon,” I responded. The green-haired boy’s face scrunched as he studied me intently. For that split second, I wondered if he could tell of my predicament. Could he sense what was off with me. No. No one would be able to know. 

“Do you feel better today?” he asked before stretching his hands up high,a routine he would always do before our morning run, and I took it as a sign that he knew nothing. 

“Yeah,” I sigh. “It must’ve been a small bug. I didn’t want you to get it but I’m much better.”

Gon still had the smile on his face during the full run. We spirited through the trees like vipers. During this month, I had become accustomed to running. It wasn’t a hobby that I had enjoyed before now. Gon was able to help me feel better, faster than I ever had before. Truly, he was one of the most intelligent children that has graced my presence. Would my child be like him?

I quickly shook the thought from my head as the end of our run came within view. If I were able to hold Ren for the whole two hours today, I would finally be at my goal. 

We stopped only for me to catch my breath before the actual preparations. I took a stance with my feet shoulder-width apart, took a deep breath, and started. The cooling sensation of Nen flowing through my body always left tingles up and down my spine. 

“Oh, I received a letter from Killua yesterday,” said the boy who was doing some push-ups with his newly formed arm. “He’s excited to come meet me. I wrote to him when you first arrived because I wanted to ask if it was alright that you two met again. He didn’t seem too happy but we already planned to go in search of my Nen.”

“Where do you think you’ll look?” I asked.

“We were going to go talk to some old friends. They should be able to find someone.”

I should’ve known that he wasn’t going to tell me. While I was a friend, trust should not have been easily given. Killlua was still hiding from his brother and I was still in contact with Illumi. A double edged sword for both of us. 

“I hope you do get your Nen back, Gon. You’re too special to not have this power. If I could, I’d give mine to you. It would be better suited in your hands than my own.” My words weren’t forced but I still felt a new ache deep within my heart. Gon was still a child. A child that had his life ripped from this Earth and he hasn’t even hit puberty. Maybe it was better for him to not be a full time hunter. He should be a full time child while he still can.   
\---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
It took until the day Killua was to arrive to finally grasp the two hour mark. Only three hours before Killua’s return did my sweaty, tired frame hold Ren for two hours. Gon counted down the seconds as he started jumping with excitement. 

“You did it!” he shouted. Overwhelming emotion hit me as the once distrusting child became so excited when I finally hit my goal. A goal only created to meet his best friend. A goal that only mattered to Illumi. “Try your power again.”

“Huh?” I questioned. “I already met my limit.”

“No, no. You told me last week that you were able to produce fire. Show me.”

I finally realized what he meant. He wanted me to show my Nen in its physical form. I place my hand up and switch my Nen to fully form in my hand. The flame grew bigger than it ever had before. It was a beautiful flame that felt cold to my own touch. I closed my hand around the fire and focused solely on the piece of metal that I’d felt before.

Miraculously, it appeared. This time it wasn’t jagged and raw. The edges were still harsh but only in places where my hand didn’t fit. I must’ve leaned hard into the conjuring category rather than staying a transmuter. 

“You don’t have any fighting experience. Do you?” questioned the child. He was anxiously watching his phone in case Killua would arrive early. Every few seconds, he would look at the device and his smile would drop. 

“No,” I say. “I’ve only practiced with Zeno a few times. I had barely the fire.”

“Why’d you choose a knife? Shouldn’t you try to use your first attack more? Maybe you could even change it inbetween. Like fire that quickly changes to a knife. They’d be great for long range attacks. Shorter ones can be the fire and metal.”

Gon, while being young, had many ideas that I hadn;t thought of before. The only reason I had the metal knife was from when I saved Machi. The knife vanished in my hand and was replaced with the burning fire. So it can change back and forth. 

I decided to take Gon’s ideas and put it into practice. I held my hand straight out and released a burst of flames from them. It was good enough to singe some of the taller grass. I closed my eyes and thought of the fire changing to another attack. Nothing happened. Instead, the fire slowly faded. 

“Maybe it’ll take more practice. I didn’t really know mine quickly.” He thought for a second after checking his phone. “Killua might be able to help. He is a transmuter after all!”

“Speaking of Killua, shouldn’t we return back to the doc. Don’t you want to be there when he arrives?”

“Yes. I’ll race you,” cried the child after he had already started running. I let out a sigh before chasing after him. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Killua’s boat was late. Gon had gotten to the point of pacing in order to calm himself. I’d never seen him so excited in the month I’d known him.His joy brought a smile to my face. There was very little for him to look forward to since he lost the ability to use Nen. Seeing his best friend again was the goal. 

Once the boat arrived, Killua, followed by a little girl, was the first ones to step onto the island. Gon ran up to him and started to ask about his travels and friends and Alluka and everything that would come to his head. 

“Whoa Gon slow down,” commented Killua. “You’re being embarrassing.” Although his words sounded as if he were annoyed, his tone did not. Instead, he looked more happy to see his friend too. Alluka gave Gon a hug. 

It took them a few minutes of talking before Gon remembered my presence. “Oh Killua, this is my new friend Y/N. You may have met her before.”

The white-hair boy’s eyes turned into an icy glare. “Yes. I remember her. What is she doing here?”

“Hello Killua,” I started trying to be polite. “It’s nice to actually talk to you.”

“I’m not going to repeat myself again. What are you doing here?” 

“I-I’m here to see you. And to meet Gon. I’ve heard so much about you that I wanted to actually get to know you.”

“Gon you do know that she is dating my brother,” growled Killua as he pushed Alluka behind him. Passersby started to look at us. A few scoffed at the bizarre situation where children seemed in distress from an adult. 

“I know we got off on the wrong foot last time,” I start. “I really don’t-”

Gon interrupted. “She’s been hanging out with me. I’ve been training her in Nen. Just like Bisky did for us. I gave her a very hard goal but she was able to keep it. It was the only way she could meet you.” 

Killua’s eyes were still locked on mine as he whispered something between the two boys. I let them have their privacy in the hopes of proving myself somehow. 

After much deliberation, Killua seemed to find a solution. “Okay. If you can prove to me that you’re not under Illumi’s control and have free will in loving him then I’ll listen to what you have to say. He had put so much emphasis on ‘loving’ that I knew he wasn’t serious. There was this twinkle in his eyes as if he knew something that I don’t.

“Okay,” I say. “What do you want to know?”

“Nothing until I know if you’re not being manipulated. You and I both know that Illumi is a manipulator.”

“Yes but what does his Nen type have to do with anything else?”

“Are you stupid? The needles. They can control people. Illumi did that to me to force me to run any time I couldn't win a fight. Truly, he is evil. I bet he did it to you too.”

“No,” I say. “Illumi would never do that.” I mumbled my words while shaking my head; however, there could be some truth to Killua’s words. It was rather weird the pull I had towards him. I had always chalked it up to actual love. But could his manipulation last for so long?”

A crowd was starting to gather around us. I, thoroughly confused, looked towards Gon as if he could do anything. “Let’s go back to my house. We can talk about this more.”

Killua, begrudgingly, agreed. 

Once at Gon’s house, Aunt Mito expressed how she was cooking dinner for all the new guests. We, on the other hand, stayed outside to finish our talk before Aunt Mito would finish the meal. 

“Alluka, it is nice to finally meet you too,” I said while Gon and Killua were catching up with Mito. Killua wasn’t far out of sight so he could keep an eye on her. 

She looked confused at why I was talking to her. 

“Oh, let me introduce myself. I am YN and I am dating your brother, Illumi. I’m not sure if you picked that up earlier.”

“You’re dating mean brother? Why?”

“Nope we do not talk to Alluka,” interrupted Killua while pulling her into the other conversation. “I’m doing this for everyone’s safety. I was left along with my thoughts once more. Illumi’s siblings really don’t have a strong pull towards their brother. Kalluto seems to be the only one who actually has nice feelings. Milluki has a weird disdain for him. Killua despises him. Alluka doesn’t like him. How many enemies has Illumi made?

Killua and Gon finally returned when Mito had to get back to cooking. “Where I found my needle was in my head.” The former assassin’s hands became a sharp point. “I can easily see if there is one and get it out. If there isn’t then I’ll answer just about anything about my brother.”

“If there is?” I question. 

“Then I think you have bigger things to deal with.”

I lean down so that I am eye-level with Killua. “I trust your brother so I’ll trust you.” My heart started to beat quicker as I closed my eyes. The pain was only there for a second. An instant of blinding pain and a sudden relief. I could feel blood drip from the entry point down my face. 

When I opened my eyes, I saw blood mixed with a small pin. “See, I knew my brother would have pulled some shit like this.” 

I almost didn’t hear him as my whole world crashed before my eyes while I stared at the small pin. Illumi had been manipulating me the whole time and I didn’t even know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry that I'm an author that THRIVES off of angst. The baby, Illumi's love, and what's going to happen with the confrontation. Find out next time. Truly, I'm so excited for all the comments on the last one. Sorry I didn't respond to many. I'll try to do more for this next round. You all mean so much to me. Lastly, you do matter!! You are not alone.


	38. A Feeling Worse than Death

Killua looked at the needle with a smug look on his face. He tossed the small, bloody pin towards me. He must’ve expected me to catch it, but I let it fall into the grass. “Illumi is a manipulator and incapable of loving anyone. He is dad’s pawn. The only reason he likes me is because I am to be the heir.”

“I-I don’t understand,” I mutter while looking between the two boys. “What does this mean?”

Killua’s attitude changed. He seemed to finally understand my confusion. Killua took a deep sigh as the realization of how far in denial I was. “Come on, you can’t be that stupid. You must’ve seen Illumi’s needles before. His Nen type is manipulation. He uses needles infused with Nen to manipulate people into doing things for him.”

“Illumi would never-” I start. 

“Yes, he would,” interrupts Killua. “You’re stupid or suck in denial if you believe he would never do this. He did it to me, his own brother who he loves the most. He does it to people regularly. Once you switch into assassin mode, you don’t care about anyone else. You’re only focused on your target. I should know.” 

“Killua,” said Gon while putting his hand on his friend’s shoulder. A quiet sign to calm down. 

“No, Gon,” replied Killua while moving his hand away and walking towards me. “I already warned her at the mansion that Illumi doesn’t care for her. It’s time she gets it through her skull that helping out Illumi isn’t good. He doesn’t care for her.” Killua went and picked up the needle and put it in my hand. “Once you see Illumi, give it back to him.”

A few tears ran down my face as Killua’s words started to register. “I…” words refused to come out. “I’m sorry,” I said. I didn’t know exactly who I was apologizing to. Myself? Killua? Gon? None of those seem right. Gon looked between Killua and myself. He seemed as lost as I did. 

“Sorry? You’re sorry? For what?” says Killua. “I tried to warn you. You should’ve ran when I told you. It would’ve saved you a lot of hurt.”

I looked down at the needle that he’d put into my hand. It looked exactly like the ones I’d play with when I was stuck in Illumi’s room. It was Illumi’s. I wiped away a few tears from my eyes. I looked down at my hand now covered in smeared blood. 

“Y/N,” said Gon, finally finding a way to join the conversation. “I can go and get a first aid kit. I’ll be right back.” Killua and I watched as the child ran inside his own house and shut the front door.   
“Killua, I-I didn’t know. I should have never come to find you. I’m sorry for putting you and Alluka in danger.”

Killua seemed to finally calm down as he looked me up and down. I must look pathetic in his eyes. I, a controlled person, standing with shaky legs, blood dripping from my head, and tears threatening to fall at any moment. 

The younger Zoldyck sibling sighed a deep, moanful exhale. “You’re not the only one Illumi has controlled. It took a lot of will power to finally be able to let go. Your mind should come back to you soon enough.”

I nodded along with his statement but there was so much that he didn’t know. So much that had happened between us. Between the letter, ring, and baby, I didn’t know what to believe. Too many thoughts wrapped around my brain as I questioned the last year of my life. I’d been so blind sided by manipulation that I hadn’t noticed my world had stopped. I hadn’t questioned a lot related to my life. I’d accepted Illumi’s love without hesitation because I thought he really did love me. Now, I know it was an act. How much of our relationship was a lie? I became too afraid of that question. 

Instead of living with the thought of the future Zoldyck still inside my womb, I turned my attention to Killua. “I can see why your brother likes you so much. There’s so many good qualities that he never had.”

My comment didn’t phase the white-haired boy. “I know.” At this point, the door opened to reveal Gon carrying a first aid kit in his hand. He had me sit down while taking care of the wound on my head. Killua gave me a nod before going inside the house. 

“I’m sorry,” Gon said while touching a particularly tender spot near where Killua’s hand penetrated only moments before my reality shifted. His apology wasn’t just from the touch. I could tell that these emotions were too much for him. Gon was still a child. 

“It’s alright,” I said. I felt a quick buzz in my back pocket. I pulled out my phone to check the message on the screen. Illumi’s name made my heart fall deep within the void in my stomach. It sloshed around enough that I felt like puking. 

“Who is it?” questioned Gon as he finished my wrapping. 

“Illumi,” I said with a dry mouth. “He’s home and wants me to meet him.”

“What are you going to do?”

“I’m not sure.” I put my phone back into my pocket. “I’ll come up with it later. I don’t need to bother you with my own drama. You’ve been very kind to me.”

Gon too his hand off of my head only to sit next to me. “Why do I get the feeling that this is a goodbye?”

A small smile crossed my face as we both knew the truth. “I hope you get your Nen back,” I reply. 

Gon’s face mirrored mine. This last month became a blessing in disguise. I came to see him with the same manipulative tactic as Illumi only to find how much I cared for this child. A month, in the grandness of time, is so small; however, I learned to be a better person through Gon. His appreciation for Killua, discussion about Kite, his father, and friends and talks over dinner made me realize how I would like to raise my child. I’d want someone as kind and strong as him.

“I hope everything with Illumi goes well.”

“Gon, Aunt Mito has finished dinner,” called Killua. We turn to look at the door. Gon stands up and runs towards his friend. 

“Y/n,” said Killua. “Be careful. You can still run away. It’s what I’ve been doing and it’s been nice.”

“I wish I could Killua but there’s so much that you don’t know. It was nice to meet you too. Take care of your sister and Gon. Hopefully I’ll see you on better terms.”

Killua didn’t respond but gave a head nod of acknowledgement. It was a sign of mutual respect between two people who’d been hurt by Illumi. I waited until the door shut before finally letting tears fall. “I hope you’re able to see your niece or nephew.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On the walk back to the hotel, Illumi texted me two more times. One message stating the place I was to meet him and where and the last one asking why I hadn’t responded. Each text was like a punch to my soul. The pit in my stomach began to feel heavier with each passing thought. 

As I entered my room, there came one final text. All it read was ‘you’ll be here tomorrow.’ Illumi was always commanding in texts. Before, I’d assumed it was a harsh upbringing which made him a terrible and demanding texter. I don’t see it that way anymore. I set the phone on the side table while I crawled into bed. 

The old comforter did little to provide me with comfort. I wrapped the blanket so hard around my body that I could feel it strangling the love from deep within my heart. Only here, did I cry. I cried, sobbed, thrashed, yelled, and cried some more as emotions wracked my frame. Illumi wasn’t the person I thought he was. Instead of a prisoner, I was engaged to the guard. I was carrying the child of a person that couldn't understand love. 

My body became a shaking mess after I’d cried out all the water. My phone buzzed a few more times as Illumi’s messages kept getting more desperate. One begging for a confirmation of the time tomorrow to meet. The last one was even more demanding by stating that he knew I’d read his messages but hadn’t responded. I shouldn’t have even checked them to begin with. 

As I placed my phone down once again, I saw his note he gave to me. His writing even gave away the idea he could manipulate people. He wanted me to use it on anyone that would hurt me. Little did I know that it would be him who hurt me the most. 

I decided to take a few more hours until I would respond. I had to gather my thoughts on what I wanted to say when I met with him. The floating questions buzzed around my head like a swarming nest of flies. Why did he do it? Did he think I couldn’t love him? Was he ever going to tell me? Do I actually love him? Do I even care for him? 

I hadn't noticed I was rubbing my belly until I looked down at the growing stomach. It still looked the same as before but this time, I knew there was something different. I was carrying a monster’s child. I would be raising this monster’s child. More desperate tears ran down my face as the buzzing from my phone grew louder and louder in my head. 

I cried until I could feel the puffiness of my eyes and tear streaks down my face. It wasn’t a pretty cry. It was a cry only found within those who have been ruined. I ruined my own life by falling in love with a monster. 

The crimson sun pierced through the blinds. I hadn’t realized I fell asleep until the bird tweeted and the sun awoke me. It was early morning when I finally woke up from death. My head felt dizzy and the remnants of tears had turned my skin numb. I finally decided it was time to message back Illumi.

Illumi had left message after message. All of them were a mixture of demands. Some were soft ones that pleaded with me to text him back while some were angry messages. There were so many messages that it had become overwhelming to read them all. The last message was at two in the morning. All it read was ‘please respond, Y/N.’ 

That message seemed to be softer than the rest. A broken Illumi begging for a response from me. My fingers typed out a quick message that asked where and when he would like to meet. His response was almost immediate. ‘Meet me at York New in your old apartment. I’ll be waiting.’

My hands shook as I packed my bags. Part of me wanted to say goodbye to the close friend I’d gained. The smarter part knew that they were already gone. Those children didn’t seem like the type to stay in one place. 

The travel from Whale Island to the airport seemed like a death sentence. I felt like I was going to my death. My hands would absentmindedly play with the small bag of stuff Illumi had given to me. My mind wandered to the stuff inside the bag all bought by Illumi. Even far away, he was in control of what I wore, my finances, and almost all parts of my mind. I became so consumed with how excited he’d be once he found out about my new Nen ability. Each grueling day was to prove I was worthy of his time. I should have been asking if he was worth mine. 

At the airport, I bought a small bag. I placed the positive test and ring inside the decorative bag. To the normal looking person, it would look like a present. To me, it was a coffin where my heart went to die. When I bought the bag, I had made up my mind. I shoved the bag into my backpack while buying one final ticket to York New. 

This plane ride was worse. The sky felt heavy. The people seemed more like strangers. Even the air had added density. It became hard to breathe as the plane landed on the air strip. Within an hour, I’d be face to face with the person who ruined my life. 

While walking through the York New airport, a few people seemed to give me a harsh glance as if I'd done something wrong. Maybe they knew where I was headed. Did they take pity on a dead girl walking? Why should they?

My hands shook as I held onto the doorknob of my old apartment. In my past life, there would be no hesitation to come back here. It was my safe space in the hustle of the busy streets. Today, I felt as unsafe as if I were to share a jail with a murderer. 

I didn’t know how I expected Illumi to be when he finally arrived back. One side of me thought he would have already known about my revelation. What I didn’t expect was for him to be lounging on my couch. His legs were long enough that they were bumping against my coffee table. His eyes were pacing back and forth between the phone and a random chick flick movie on the screen. He looked weirdly domestic. 

Illumi’s appearance hadn’t changed much. He still had the long, silky hair and pale face. However, I saw him change when he looked at me. The furrowed brow became a mixture of diluted emotions. Illumi immediately stood up. “Y/n,” he said. “What happened?”

His concern seemed weirdly out of place for the Illumi I’d known. My bandage. It was still there from when Gon had wrapped my head. No wonder I had gotten strange looks from passersby. “Nothing.” My voice shook as I spoke. My fidgeting hand held up the needle that had been lodged into my head. “Would you mind explaining this?”

Illumi’s face didn’t change. He only took a step back from me and stood a little taller. “You must’ve talked with Killua.”

“I won’t tell you if I did or didn’t. I want answers, Illumi.”  
“Do you really want to know?”

“Yes. Tell me everything from when you placed the pin in my head to now.” 

Illumi didn’t respond at first. He decided to walk towards me, pick up the pin, and go sit back down on the couch. The love confession of two random characters played in the background as Illumi stayed silent. I, apprehensively, took a seat in the armchair catty corner to him. 

His soulless eyes were still hyper focused on the pin in his hand. “I should have sent you home. Not on this mission.”

“You’re not answering what I want. I can still leave. You’re lucky I returned at all.”

“I was beginning to guess that this was why you weren’t returning my messages even after looking at them. The only three people who knew about this trick were my father, Hisoka, and Killua. Now it seems I have a fourth.”

“When did you start controlling me?”

“The night at the bar. I had to have you as my own. You were too busy with other men to even notice me watching you.”

My mind went back to that night. I could remember more details than ever. “I was never drunk. Was I?”

Illumi, after a thorough examination of his work, placed the pin down. “Yes you were.”

“Then no one put anything in my drink that night.”

“That’s wrong too. You wouldn’t have gone with me if I hadn’t.”

I felt my heart drop. Illumi had drugged me that night. “Y-you did this?”

“You were out for a few days. I placed the pin in while you were taken to my house. Mother and father didn’t suspect a thing.”

“You drugged me?” I couldn’t get my mind wrapped around how vicious and volatile Illumi had been. It made my stomach churn the empty contents. I doubt I’d be able to eat for weeks. 

“Would you have fallen in love with me otherwise? An assassin who is too involved with family matters. I did what I had to.”

“No,” I said. “You made my choice for me. I wanted to leave. You forced me into a life that I didn’t want. You made me lose everything.” My emotions ran high as I finally stood up from my chair. “Illumi, you made me lose everything.”

“You gained so much more with me. Your ability to use Nen, a loving family, a loving significant other who will do anything for you. Isn’t that what all girls want?”

I couldn’t believe what was coming from his mouth. “No. That is not what I want. I had a stable job, friends, a life. You took it away from me. You made me watch my friends die. You made me fall in love with you. You made me into a monster just like yourself.”

“I am not a monster.”

“Yes you are. Who controls a person they love?”

“A lot of people.”

“That doesn’t mean anything.”

“You still believe you’re right with doing this? What else haven’t you been telling me? Did you actually leave to go somewhere else? What else have you been lying to me about?”

“Nothing. I was really gone. Now how about you calm down and we can have a rational discussion.”

I let out the air in my lungs. I could see red encircling my vision. “I don’t have rational discussions with people I loath.”

Illumi cocked his head as he seemed confused. “But you still love me.”

“No. I detest what you did. You used me. I didn’t consent to anything. My whole year was a lie. The only people that were kind to me was the Phantom Troupe without you.”

I couldn’t tell if Illumi was hurt or disinterested in my words. His lack of facial expressions made me angry. He was too calm for his own good. “Who's to say that once you get bored of me, you won’t kill me? I’m nothing more than a breeding machine to keep up the Zoldyck name. I meant nothing to you.”

“I thought we were to be truthful here.”

“I am.” I reached within my bag and produced the present bag I bought at the airport. “Good thing you already knocked me up so you can get rid of me faster.” I chucked the present at him. He easily dodged but the contents flew from the bag. The ring and pregnancy test clattered to the ground. 

Illumi didn’t seem to connect what was given to him. “You’re pregnant?” 

“Yes. And I’m leaving you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry about the day delay. I wanted to make this so drama-filled. It took about double the amount of work that I normally do. I THRIVED over all the comments on the last chapter. Hopefully this one was worth the wait. I love every single one of you!


	39. Clearing the Fog

Illumi didn’t respond which pissed me off. Instead, he leaned down to pick up the test and the ring. He studied the ring as if he wasn’t the one to buy it. He placed the ring onto the table before looking at the white stick. This one he seemed to spend more time studying. 

I didn’t know if I wanted a response from him. Something more than the nothingness that I’ve grown to expect from this man. I wanted him to be excited. I wanted him to have some emotion other than distance between us; however, I knew that it was never going to happen. 

“Pregnant?” he repeated. 

“Yes,” I responded. 

“You’re going to have my child?”

Anger grew deep within the pit of my soul. Each word sent bile to fill the inside of my throat. “Yes. It’s what you wanted from me.”

Illumi hadn’t taken his eyes off of the test to look at me once. All he cared about was the little test in front of him that said I was carrying his spawn of a child. The words between us hung in the air like a hazy fog on an old forgotten road. It became a tight bond between the two of us as to what to do with the child. 

“You’re going to keep the baby?” Illumi didn’t propose it as a statement but more of a question. 

If I were to be honest with Illumi, the thought of not keeping my child had crossed my mind. It’d be so easy to make an appointment and terminate this child; however, my attachment to the unborn kid was going with every day. Tears had already been shed for the little one. Maybe the life it would live would help the child thrive. But, I know Illumi’s nature still thrives within this baby. He’ll never be able to get the blood of Zoldyck out of his system. 

“I’m not sure yet.” I decided to respond truthfully. I had yet to make up my mind on the subject. 

Illumi’s eyes finally met my own. If I didn’t know him, I could’ve sworn that a glimmer of fear passed across his face. The test was gripped tightly in his hand as if it was lifeline. Illumi stood. His body became a towering skyscraper over my frame. I could feel the same fear grip myself as I realized how massive his stature was. “If you want to kill me then you’re killing your own child. You and I both know this is your last chance. Your father and mother both said you’re not allowed to date or marry anyone if you mess it up with me. Too bad you already did.”

“I didn’t mess it up with you,” Illumi condemned. “We still have-”

“-Didn’t you hear that I’m leaving you?” I interrupted while finally matching his standing position. Even standing, Illumi’s frame still had a looming shadow that shrank my frame. “We’re not together and, to be honest, I doubt we ever were. You can’t control someone to love you and expect for them to continue loving you. Why? Why did you use me? For the last 6 months, I’ve had no control over myself. I had to fall in love with you. Why did you do this to me?”

“I already-”

“-No. You have yet to explain why you might try to hurt someone that had already loved you. You never even gave me a chance to try. All you did was make the choice for me. You made me love you because you don’t believe anyone could ever love you.”

“That is enough,” barked Illumi. I’d never heard him actually raise his voice. Normally he’d use his Nen as a pull of power; however, I now was in charge. “I gave you the choice. You came back to me after I left. That was on you.”

“No,” I exploded. “Your needle didn’t give me the choice. I was always so confused at what made me love you. You never treated me beyond a prisoner in your own home. I was held captive against my will and you lied to me. You lied about how I got there. You lied about why I was there. You lied about everything. You lied enough to make me fuck you and produce your spawn so that you can go on and lie to me about everything else. You want me to live my whole life with you and it was all a lie. Maybe I lied when I said that I love you.”

Illumi’s anger became a palpable force. The purple haze mixed with a slight red tint which hadn’t been present before. “It was not a lie,” he said. His voice firm. “I told you how much I loved you.” His hand softly touched my cheek. “You are my shining light through everything.” 

My body wanted to lean into his touch. I wanted the feeling of melting happiness that only can be found when you care for someone. The feeling of being loved was so close; yet, I knew it was a fleeting thought. Illumi is a master manipulator and would do anything to keep me here. I pushed his hand away only for him to grab my wrist. “I can’t let you leave. Not after everything. Not after meeting my parents, my family. Not after we’ve started our family.”

“There’s no ‘our family’ anymore Illumi,” I say. “I already told you that I am done.” 

Illumi and I’s quiet rage swirled around us. Unspoken thoughts became a prayer to whoever would listen. Finally, Illumi let go of my wrist and turned his attention back to the plastic test still held tightly in his grip. “I love you.” His voice was a calm whisper among the anger. 

For a second, the thought crashed through my mind to stay. Stay with him. Stay with this man who has hurt me more times than I can count. Stay with the man who used me and manipulated me for his own gain. I wanted to stay with my Illumi; yet, I knew it was all fruitless. 

“I know,” I reply while leaning down to get my bag. I pulled on only one strap. “I should get going now. I’ll call you when the baby is born.”

“Where are you going?” His voice was a desperate plea for something in his life to go right. 

“I’m not going to tell you. I know if you want, you’ll find me.” My feet were walking towards the door before my rational side of my brain had registered. I look back one more time which was a mistake. Illumi stood hunched minutely to look at the test. His hair cascaded down his broad shoulders and sculpted the rest of his frame. I hadn’t noticed a few more scratches and scars gained while he was gone. His outfit hadn’t covered his arms which made his countless work at the gym apparent. I could feel the flutter in my chest and forced myself to turn back to the door. 

“Come back to the house with me,” he said in a voice that only carried on a whisper. My hand reached to grasp the door knob. “The baby can grow up with a family. They can grow up happy. We have the space. We have the money. Our baby could grow up to be anything. All you have to do is come back home.”

“Weird,” I mumble. “After all of this, you still want me to return yet you haven’t apologized.” 

The door slamming behind felt like a final bell to signal the death of a loved one. It was a loud, trembling finality to everything that had happened. I wanted to walk down the rest of the stairs but my legs refused to go. Inside the apartment, I heard a small piece of glass shattering. Something must’ve been thrown. 

Tears fell from my eyes as I forced myself to leave. My trembling hands reach for the only lifeline I have left. If Illumi was back then that must mean Chrollo is too. I scurry through my contacts until I find Chrollo’s number. 

I press the call button. It took a few rings before Chrollo’s heavy voice picked up. “Hello.” He sounded tired from across the phone. A lazy husk of a voice only gained after sleeping. 

“Chrollo,” I whimper while trying not to have my own shaky breath control the tone. “I was wondering where you and the troupe are?”

“Shouldn’t you be with your boyfriend?” he asked. “We have been gone a long time.”

“No.”

A silence took over the phone call as if we were talking but no words were spoken. He knew what the quiet ‘no’ meant without me telling. “It’s just me, sweetheart,” he says. “I sent the troupe away for a bit. They’ll most likely stay together since we’re all the family we know. It was a long trip.”

“Are you asking if it is alright if it’s just you or telling me that you want some space from the travel?”

A small chuckle came from the receiver. “If you bring me something hard to drink then it is a question.”

“Give me an address then,” I say. My foot stepped out of the apartment building only to look up to my old flat. Illumi’s gaze still followed me. “I have much to discuss with you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this chapter is shorter than my others. It was actually starting to depress me. I hope you all like the ANGST in this. Thank you for all the nice comments and likes. I really appreciate it!


	40. Liquid Courage

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick warning. There is drinking while pregnant. Please don't do this.

Rain poured on my head as I rushed out of a 24 hour liquor store. The slight pattern of rain hit the pavement like a rhythmic beat. It was calming but added to the irritation of my heart. The hotel Chrollo was staying at was a far walk from where my old apartment was. From where I left him. 

It took me over an hour of walking to come upon the address. My hair was completely soaked and my clothes clung onto my body like death. I hadn’t realized that I was shivering until I was met with the hot air of the lobby. Recently, I felt like hotel rooms were my new homes. 

Chrollo had told me a room number so I didn't even stop at the front desk. For a criminal, he’s picked a weirdly quiet and nice hotel. It reminded me of the one at Heaven’s Arena; yet, it was a lot more quiet. A few people’s gazes followed my wet figure until I got to the elevator. I could see drips of water hit the ground until a small puddle was my shadow. 

Room 619. That was the room. I was to knock three times before he would open it. I counted the rooms until finally reaching his door. Three knocks and there stood Chrollo. A month away made me think he’d look different. I know how much a month away from everyone has changed me. Chrollo, however, didn’t. He looked the same as every night we’d talk on the balcony. He looked normal or as normal as a criminal could look. 

“So what’d you bring me?” he asked while leaning against the doorway. I pulled out a brown paper bag with the liquor I’d purchased. 

“I hope you have some cups or we could drink it from the bottle.” My jest was only to break the tension. I could see a look of concern flitter from my eyes to the bottle in my hand. “Interesting,” he muttered as he made a way for me to pass. Once inside, I could smell cheap cologne mixed with a hotel vodka. A smile crossed his face before he closed the door. “Drinking from the bottle was always my cup of tea.”

“Maybe you should dry off first,” he said while walking to open the hotel drawers. Chrollo handed me a black shirt. “It’s one of Phinks’ so don’t get it too dirty.” He then pulled out some old shorts. “This is Machi’s. I’ve been holding some of the possessions while they’re taking a break. I doubt they’d mind.”

“You do know I have my own clothes,” I say while pulling off my backpack. The rain had soaked almost everything inside and out. “Shit,” I groan while reaching into the bag’s side pocket. Inside, the note Illumi had given me was bleeding black. It’d become soaked in the downpour. The black and white hazed as tears fell from my eyes. I gripped the wet sheet of paper and held it tight to my chest as soft sobs wracked my body. This was the last thing of Illumi as a kind person and it was tainted. Just like the rest of him. 

Chrollo walked over to me and held me against his chest as I cried. His hands rubbing my back as I cried. All the anger and fear became replaced with tears. Each breath came out shakier and shakier as I was held tighter and tighter. My body soaking his own. 

He didn’t let go until I was the one to pull away. Chrollo moved his hand so that it rested under my chin and pulled it to look at me. “Go get changed.” His thumb ran alongside my jaw. “You can tell me what you want in due time.” 

I followed his request. The step into the bathroom gave me some peace. I hadn’t realized I still held Illumi’s note until I opened my right hand. Inside was a squashed version of something that held so dear to my heart. I threw the letter into the sink. 

The warm clothes were a nice change. Stripping off the wet ones was a challenge but the warmth became my home. Once back out, Chrollo had opened the liquor and poured it into two cups. “While drinking out of the bottle is normally fun, I think we need cups for a little bit.” A smile crossed my face as I climbed onto the only bed in the room. 

“Do you want to start or me?” asked Chrollo while handing me my cup. He placed the bottle in the middle of us while he sat on the other end of the bed. I look down at the drink while thinking about the tiny human still resting inside of me. I had to decide whether to drink or not. Surprisingly, it was an easy choice. 

“You,” I said while taking a sip of the burning liquor. It ran down my throat and made me cough. 

Chrollo took a much smaller sip and leaned back against the pillows. His side profile was just as handsome as the rest of him. His eyes were closed and black hair pillowed to cover part of his face. A smirk rose on his lips as he took another sip. 

“The known world is so much smaller than we’d ever known. Our world is meaningless. At this point, I’ve not been a good leader. As the head of the troupe, I should be able to command my spiders to follow my ideals and not just me; however, I have only created a home for those who are lost and broken. Thieves that steal. A family. It’s why Pakunda is dead.” 

He took another sip of the burning drink before continuing. “My desire to be the best led me into fights I shouldn’t. That’s why Shalnark and Kortopi are dead.” Another drink. “And my lust for more is my biggest downfall. It’s why Shizuku is dead.” He finished up the rest of the cup in one take. Now there’s more members gone than are actually here.”

I take the liquor and pour him another cup. A chuckle passed through his lips before he took another sip. I follow with my own. “I have killed my own spiders.”

“So the trip went poorly?” I questioned while trying to finish my glass only to find it already empty. I poured my own. I looked up to see Chrollo’s dark eyes looking towards me. I could see the anguish hidden behind the wall of cockiness. He responded without saying anything. “I see.”

“Mind telling me about your troubles, darling?” His voice had a little slur to it. 

A small blush creeped onto my cheeks. “I doubt Illumi said this to you but he proposed to me and I said yes before the trip.” My gaze was stuck to the ceiling but I could feel Chrollo’s eyes on me. “He bought the most beautiful ring and wrote the most eloquent letter. He also manipulated me the entire time into loving him.” 

I finally turn to look at Chrollo. Our eyes catching each other’s. “You know his Nen type is manipulator. One needle and I was his puppet.”

Chrollo hummed softly before taking another drink. I followed soon after with my own. “He placed it in my head before I woke up the first day. Now I don’t know what’s real or what’s fake. Every single memory is clouded by the idea that I was being manipulated. Illumi’s a monster.”

He chuckled before popping off the top to take another drink. “I could’ve told you that when I met you. You were too invested in him for any sense of reason. In fact, I remember telling you about how terrible he was.”

“-I know,” I interrupt. “I know what happened. I know he’s a terrible person. I know I fell into this shitshow becuase of him. I lost everything because of him.” Tears trickled down my face as I continued to drown my sorrows in the drink. 

“Oh sweetheart,” Chrollo says while sitting up in bed. “It’s not your fault.”

“Yes. It was. I should have never gone to that party. I should've left when he gave me a chance. There were so many times I could’ve gone and done my own thing. He left me so many times but I went back to him. I went back and loved every second of pain brought to my heart.”

I finished my liquid courage and continued. “I spent so much of this past year dedicated to loving him when all of it was pointless. I slept with him. I loved him. I begged for him. I wanted him with every fiber of my being; yet, I can’t. He hurt me so much and I went back to him. Machi, you, Kalluto, Hisoka, and so many people told me to stop and that he never loved me. We fought so much that it felt like I was all alone. It took fucking Illumi’s brother to make me realize that I-I..” My voice trailed off before crying. 

The sob wracked my whole body. Chrollo, rather than holding me, stayed in the same place. I chucked the plastic cup across the room while wiping my tears. “I’m so stupid.”

Chrollo sighed while moving the bottle and scooting closer to me. He pulled me into a hug and shushed my intruding thoughts. “I-I wanted death at first. I wanted to not be in this life and I was pulled into it. I-I can’t… I won’t…” My words stutter before failing me once again.

He puts his hands through my hair and lets me cry into his chest. I cried out every emotion in my heart. I wanted the pain to stop. I wanted everything to stop hurting. I wanted to rip out my heart so that it would stop bleeding. But it wouldn’t. I couldn’t. 

Minutes of sobbing fell into a quiet whine. Chrollo let me talk through my cries and didn’t say a thing. Finally, I looked up to see that a few tears had fallen from his own eyes. He was dealing with his own trauma. 

It might’ve been the liquid courage before pressing my lips against him. His cracked ones followed mine. We both pulled away a little confused and breathless. Suddenly, we pressed our lips together once again. A forceful nature of testing the water. 

Chrollo pulled me onto his lap while our lips stayed connected. My arms wrap tightly around his neck while his arms are around my waist. We only pull away to breathe before finding them once again. 

His tongue runs across my lips before I follow suit. We continue our journey of each other before Chrollo finally pulls away. Our breathing staggered and heavy. “We can’t,” he sighs while placing his forehead on my own. “We’re in too much pain to continue.”

“I know,” I sigh before pressing my lips roughly against his again only to be met with the same pull. 

“Y/N,” Chrollo said. “As much as I want to kiss you and love you, you’re too fragile.”

“I know.” 

“Plus,” he sighs before lightly pushing me back onto the bed. “I still think you love him.”

“No, I-”

“-You don’t cry for people you don’t care about. As much as I want to love you the way you deserve,” I couldn’t. With how everything is going, I am still the leader of the Troupe. I will most likely not make it. You need to be happy even if it’s not with me.”

I sigh while leaning back into the bed. “How do you know I still love him?” I question. 

I look over to see a smile on his face. “You speak so nicely of him even when you’re angry. You’re not being manipulated anymore but you still say his name like someone in love. Plus, I’ve seen the way he talks about you. It was a shock how emotional an emotionless being can be when he talks about the person they love. You’ll go back to him at some point and I don’t want my heart crushed.”

“Chrollo I-”

“We’ll always be friends.”

“Yes. We’ll always be friends.”

Chrollo pulled me into a hug before kissing the top of my head. “You’re going to be alright. Plus if he ever touches you or manipulates you again, I’ll kill him fully and completely.”

“Thank you,” I sigh into his chest. “Now, tell me about your trip.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter done. Truly, I can't believe we're at 40. Also, I realized this book will end in about 5 more chapters. We're getting to the end folks. This book has been a rollercoaster. I'm glad for all the people that have been here since the beginning. You all mean so much to me!!
> 
> Secondly, if you want more Chrollo, please check out my one-shots. TBH I think I write him well. 
> 
> Lastly, I'll be putting up a poll about my next story. I was thinking of jumping into the Haikyuu fandom next? I'd love to get your opinion of what to do. You can tell me here or over on my tumblr at write-like-you-mean-it.


	41. Loving a Monster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Parental Abuse and Spiking Drinks

Illumi stayed at her apartment for three more days after she had left. Truly, he didn’t know where to go. Going home meant he had to tell father that he had failed; a statement he’d never told his father before. The promise of never having another love clung to his mind like a death grip. He had failed.

Every inch of the apartment reminded Illumi of her walking through the door. Her last words of criticism about not saying sorry for what he did inch its way into her brain. Why hadn’t he apologized for what he’d done? He’d meant to remove the needle after Heaven’s Arena, but it all changed when he had received Chrollo’s call. He’d forgotten in leu of a new job. If only he knew the mess he’d be in when he returned. 

Her apartment always seemed too dirty for his taste. There was random clothing thrown to the ground, shoes lined the wall near the door, and old wrappers lay on the kitchen table. It seemed like a dirty mess but then he remembers she hasn’t been back since he took her. No. She had returned but only for a short while. 

The only mess that wasn’t hers was the broken glass that scattered the livingroom floor. A mess that Illumi had made for himself when he realized she was actually gone. He picked up a mug and threw it in a fit of rage. 

While anger always boiled under his skin, he’d never acted in such a violent manner. Throwing things was always too immature for him. It always had been. Father made sure to strongly enforce that lesson when he was young. 

Illumi could only stare at the broken pieces of glass that scattered across the room after he'd done it. The glass all around shimmered in the fading sun; lightening up the room in a cascade of brilliantly vibrant rainbows. It would’ve been considered, by most people, to be beautiful, but not to Illumi.

Rainbows brought back the time he first told his parents he loved them. He was young, around 5-6. Milluki was receiving the brute force of training at this point, and Illumi was left to his own. He was grateful for the time alone as it gave him time for his studies in between the cries from his brothers in agony. The butlers would run out every few days to get him a new book to read. 

It was in these books that he found the relationship of parents and children to be fascinating. Mothers reading to their kids and fathers building forts. Children were cunning and brave. The perfect family. 

The ones that caught Illumi’s attention the most were parents telling their kids how much they loved them. He didn’t know what love was. It sounded so forgein; yet, these families would repeat it to each other so often that it seemed like a code. Soon, Illumi noticed the word appearing in more and more stories. If all these perfect families said this code word to each other, then he must try it with the rest of his family. 

It had rained the morning Illumi decided to try. Mother’s daily walk had been postponed to a time Illumi could join her. Normally, Illumi stayed silent for their walk so as not to disturb the peace. Today was different. His eyes were glued to the bright rainbow draped across the sky as he said those three little words: “I love you, mom.” 

It was followed by a swift hit on the top of his head with her fan. “Now, Illumi. You should know better than to say such silly things. Do we need to have a talk with your father about upping your training. It seems like you’ve been reading too much fantasy and that is not good for a growing boy. If you do become head of this house, like your father, you’re going to have to stop daydreaming and practice.”

Illumi’s scolding was enough for him to not try it with his father. Love must be something earned. His mother’s telling off only made him more interested in reading about these perfect families. How do they get to say the forbidden phrase and not his family?

A crash of thunder from outside brought Illumi out of his thoughts. He’d sat so long that a rainstorm had rolled in without Illumi realizing it. He felt a deep twisting in his heart as he hoped she was alright. 

She was right. He could go find her and forcefully take her back with him. It would be so easy even with her Nen growing stronger. No. He has already done too much. Instead of cleaning up the broken glass, he decided to sleep on the old, worn couch. He was, after all, paying to keep this apartment. 

Illumi had always known he'd be a father. It was his only goal in life to continue on the Zoldyck family legacy even if Killua refused. Now that there was a child, Illumi finally understood the fear associated with a baby. He’d already messed up with giving this child the perfect home and perfect family. Now, he was gripped with the fear of treating the baby the same way he was treated. 

He had yet to fall asleep on the couch. His mind was occupied with thoughts of his own childhood. The constant beatings if he did not perform everything perfectly. The consistent yelling and anger that filled not only his father but mother. The death that he’d become so numb to. 

Illumi had lost fear so long ago. Now that it has appeared once again, fear feels like a stranger’s touch. Fear gripped his chest so desperately that he could feel each and every breath was like gasping underwater. He was afraid he’d lost her for good. He was afraid that someone could hurt her. He was afraid for his future child. 

This emotion was what led him to taking her in the first place. She was as beautiful as the brightest sunrise or the clear blue of the sea on a sunny day. Her smile sent his heart on a race. When he looked into her eyes, Illumi felt a pure innocence that he craved more than life itself. An innocence about the depravity the world had to offer. An innocence again his own life. If Illumi was honest, he knew she’d never fall for a man like him. 

When Illumi went to that bar the night he took her, he didn’t intend to do it. Illumi only wanted to watch her, to observe her. Illumi had taken to the table in the very back with a perfect view of her and her friend’s table. As she talked, Illumi had become more infatuated with her. Every happy look left my knot deep within the pit of his stomach. 

She and her friends went to a club with her friends, and Illumi had to follow close behind. Years of sleth training made it so easy to follow her without being seen. Illumi could've watched her dance all night. She was too gorgeous to be out on the floor and no one else took her mind. Many guys had approached her but all of them were quickly turned away. 

Ilumi wanted to approach her. He craved the thought of shooting his shot. But he knew exactly how he looked and what he was. He was a monster. No one was put together and confident would ever fall for him. 

It was when she took a break at the bar that he decided to spike her drink. Illumi still regrets it until the day he told her. He had to get her home. It was the only way he had a shot. It was the only way she might like him if there was no one else. 

Kalluto tried to convince him to let her go but he couldn’t. It wasn’t until the constant screams and cries that he realized his mistake. It was the same cries Milluki and Kalluto and Killua, and himself had cried at the hands of our parents. Once he heard her screams of terror, he wanted to let her go. 

It should have been easy to let her go. She was pleading and begging for her life. On her third night, Illumi’s mind was set to let her go. Or it was until his father convinced him otherwise. She could never be let go because she knew too much. She knew his face and Kalluto’s face. This could be dire for the both of them or for her. People could torture her if she ever went to the press. It was too risky. 

That was why she stayed. Illumi had to keep her safe until she trusted him. 

Illumi didn’t know when he fell asleep on the couch. The old fluff was stiff and dry which played havoc on his back. How did she ever live like this? Waking up in the room only brought back deeper and hurt filled feelings that an unrestful and lumpy night’s sleep could never fix. 

He’d always known that their relationship was rocky. He forced her into a life that she did not need to be a part of joining. He did this just so he could be selfish for once. Killua was right. He would always be a monster. 

However, as time continued, Illumi fell so deeply in love with her that he's convinced himself that everything was for the better. He knew he loved her when watching her on the plane ride. Her fiery attitude and bite made his heart stop. 

As Illumi sat up on the couch, a few tears rolled down his cheek. Heartache was normal for him but this was different. This feeling was like a festering wound that never seemed to patch over. He should have let go of her after he knew she’d be alright. Yet, she came back. 

He’d always been so distant and angry towards her that he never knew she fell for him too. Illumi knew that his needles could only do so much. They were a powerful weapon; however, they couldn’t have someone fall in love. The command he had used was dedication and not love. 

So every “I love you” that drips from her lips was genuine. Illumi knew she would never believe him. She had said them 5 times. He kept count in the journal he bought to wite emotions about her that he couldn’t process. Every “I love you” meant more to him than the world itself. He found someone to love him. 

Now sitting in this room, all Illumi wanted was to hear her say it again. He wanted her to fall in love with him again. He would do anything and everything for her to sleep in his arms or smile at him. Illumi wanted a life for them but he messed up. He knows that he will never find the same love again. No one can love a monster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if this chapter made you cry because it made me cry. I haven't written an Illumi chapter so I thought I should give some context to his side. We're now in the hope stretch. I can't believe how amazing you all have been during this story. All the kudos and comments mean so much! I re-read them all every few days. I'll hopefully be finishing this story this week due to having fall break. I hope you can hold out until then.


	42. Growing Pain

Waking up to a warm bed had become a regular routine. Chrollo’s arms were wrapped tightly around me as a way of protection. It was our nightly arrangement so neither of us felt lonely even though we both knew it was platonic. He allowed me to stay with him while he processed emotions from the trip. We were like each other’s personal therapists as we hashed out emotions both of us refused to say in front of others. 

We told each other everything. I spoke a lot of my past life and how difficult it was going to be trying to get a job back in my field with a year long gap. Chrollo would speak about his life before the troupe. Our lives were so different; yet, here we were. 

There was only one thing I refused to discuss. The baby deep within me. I still had morning sickness but I played it off as drinking too much the night before. Every time Chrollo would put his hand on my waist, I felt like a fraud. I couldn’t tell him about the baby because I didn’t know what I was doing with them. The idea of life blooming inside of me was so strange and far away. That idea is what made it easier to forget. 

“Good morning, darling,” mumbled Chrollo. His voice is a husky and groggy mess in the morning. A smile crossed my face as I pulled away from him and stretched. 

“Good morning to you too.” Unlike him, I did not use pet names. It was much easier that way and he understood. “Sleep well.”

Chrollo leaned up so that his weight was on his forearm. “Yes, of course. How about you?”

“Fine,” I say while walking to the bathroom. I knew he’d follow me so that he could brush his teeth but I had a little time. I went to change my clothes and get ready because we had to move hotels today. We can only stay so long before the hotel catches up with our scheme. 

“I was thinking of meeting up with some troupe members today,” calls Chrollo; his voice still deep with sleep. “Phinks and Feitan were wondering what our next mission should be and I’ve kept them waiting for too long.”

I finish changing and open the door only to see a half naked Chrollo leaning down to pick up some of the sheets we threw off the bed earlier in the night. My eyes wandered over every crevasse that his body had to offer. He was a beautiful sight. It should be so easy to want him, to love him. He did want me; however, I knew it wouldn’t last. I was still too consumed with Illumi and he was too good for me.

I have become a conflicted mess wondering what is my purpose. I shouldn’t be ogling someone else when I know I can’t give them my everything. “Does that include Illumi?”

Chrollo paused before throwing some more pillows onto the bed. “Yes. He is part of the troupe. 

“I didn’t tell him that I was going to see you. He may have already found me but I’m not sure.”

“I haven’t seen him so I think you’re safe.” Chrollo must’ve found the shirt that he was looking for and put it on. “Maybe he’s given up after three weeks.”

“I doubt that. You should know how persistent he is,” I say. A smile crept onto my face as memories flooded my mind. He was as persistent as he was driven. 

“You do know you’re smiling, darling,” he said before throwing the bag, Illumi had given me, at me. “Maybe you should stop thinking about your ex and help me pack. We do have to leave soon.”

“I know. I know,” I chided before picking up the rest of the clothes littered throughout the apartment. Chrollo made a quick phone call to one of the team members about meeting up. It must’ve been Feitan because it was a short, direct call. When I shoved some of the clothes inside, I could feel the phone that Illumi had brought me at the bottom. I decided to pick it up to see if Illumi had contacted me. 

I looked to see that the notification bar was empty. Illumi hadn’t sent me anything. My mind couldn’t make up if I should cry or be relieved. Maybe he had finally let me go. No. Illumi is too self-consumed to let me go so easily. I shoved the phone back into the bag and put it on. 

“Ready to go?” asks Chrollo as he picks up the last few bags. 

“Yeah,” I mutter while following him out the door. Picking a hotel for the next week was going to be easy so we didn’t have to worry too much about how we packed our things. While we were walking to the elevator, I felt a slight sting on my right ride. Nothing that really caused any worry but enough that it felt off. 

I shook off the feeling as we left the hotel. Chrollo and I insisted that we walk through the streets of York New rather than take a taxi. “Where are we going to meet them?” I questioned while following behind him. A few times I had to fall back due to the heavy amount of people walking on the same sidewalk. 

“I told them to meet at an abandoned building we found before,”he replied while turning around to look at me. His normal stoic face contorted into a confused mess of furrowed brows. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah,” I question. Chrollo stops and turns to look at me to the dismay of a lot of the people walking behind us. Suddenly, the same pain as before grew into a pounding ache that had me doubling over. I drop any of the bags I was carrying to hug myself in pain. 

“No. You’re not okay,” he said while looking at me confusingly. “What’s going on? You’re bleeding?”

“I-I,” I stutter but the pain catches me once again. A soft groan escapes my lips and I feel my legs give way. Chrollo catches me. “I don’t know what's going on,” I mumble. The throbbing refused to leave. In fact, it grew from a gnawing pain to a pulsing, red hot angry pain. Another cry passed my lips. 

“Do you think you can walk?” said Chrollo. More people passed by us while paying no mind. I felt like I was dying. Every movement felt hot and like I was in pure agony. I shook my head as blinding tears filled my eyes. The ache seemed to only grow stronger with each passing second. 

“I need to go to the hospital,” I cry out of clenched teeth. “Something is wrong.”

“What happened?”

“I don’t know,” I shout. Chrollo sighs before picking me up in his arms. The bags of belongings lay at the side of the road. The only two packs were strapped tightly to myself and him. My body naturally curled into his as I sobbed from the throbbing ache. There I could see I was bleeding. 

My body felt like it was being ripped into two as Chrollo ran to the nearest hospital. He could’ve been running for hours or minutes and I would’ve not known the difference. My mind was too consumed with the blinding pain still ringing deep within me. 

Suddenly, my mind went to the baby. I could feel all the color leave my face. Something is wrong with the baby. My breath caught in my throat as I felt the last shred of happiness melt away.   
Something was wrong with Illumi and I’s baby.

When Chrollo walked into the hospital, I knew the problem even before Chrollo could call the rest of the emergency staff. He placed me on top of an open gurney. 

“What's the issue sir,” said a small petite woman who came over. “What happened?”

“She collapsed on the side of the road.” 

“-the baby” I weakly responded.

“Baby?” questioned the girl. A few of her coworkers were as quick to react as her. They wheeled me into an open room. 

“Yes, baby.” My voice felt soft and tired. I only had enough to cry out in pain. “I’m pregnant.”

\-------------------------------  
Chrollo desperately wanted to follow the doctors and her into the room. This behavior was so bizarre. He followed her as much as he possibly could until the doctors shooed him away. One nurse pulled him to the side to get any information she could on his friend. 

The more questions she asked, the more Chrollo didn’t care. Once the words “I’m pregnant,” came from y/n’s lips, he knew exactly why she couldn’t let Illumi go. The two would always be tied in a bond that was invisible. Something always drew them to each other even if it was curiosity at first. 

He could only watch as they wheeled her into an emergency room. “Sir, is there anything else you know about your girlfriend-” asked the nurse.

“She’s not my girlfriend,” he responded. “I know nothing beyond she collapsed. I didn’t even know she was pregnant.”

The nurse finally left him to be. Chrollo stood in the busy emergency room while looking at the hallway the doctors took her down only moments ago. At this moment, he knew exactly who to call. He picked out his phone and dialed Illumi. 

“I thought I told you I’m taking a few personal days,” said the monotone man on the other side of the phone. 

“You need to get to St. Charles hospital,” Chrollo muttered into the phone as he walked to the guest area. “It’s Y/N.”

There was a small pause on the phone. “I’m on my way.” The click of the phone disconnected before Chrollo could respond. All the man could do is place his head in his hands and hope to whatever deity would listen that everything was going to be alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry to leave this on a cliffhanger. It had to be done. I'll try to post the next chapter either tomorrow or in a few days. Thank you for all the kudos and comments! Hold tight, It's going to get rough. Also, there's only 3 more chapters left until the end!!!


	43. Heaven and Hell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Massive Trigger Warning for Loss of a child and infertility. Seriously don't read this chapter or the next if this is huge trigger for you.

I woke up with a pound deep within my head. The same feeling as when I first was trapped in the dungeon. My first thought is to move my hands in hopes that everything that had happened wasn’t a dream. Instead of handcuffs, I saw an IV coming from a vein in my arm. 

My eyes looked up to see a white room. Medical equipment hovered over every inch of the room. Cords and wires filled any empty space. A small tv was posted high on a wall. It was playing a random commercial for a product nobody was actually going to buy. 

I reach down to sit up only for a shock of pain the course through my body. I winced and heard a small beep from one of the many machines. Swiftly a nurse walked into the room. “Oh, you’re awake,” she said. 

“What happened?” I ask. My voice was a hoarse whisper. The nurse picked up a pink plastic cup with an orange straw and handed it to me. I took a few sips of the drink. “Where am I?”

“Let me go get the doctor. Do you have anyone here for you?” The nurse seemed so empathetic. Her voice was a calming summer’s day; yet, I knew something was wrong. It was deep within her eyes. I nod my head slowly. “I’ll go get them for you.” With those words, she fluttered away. 

I was left in the blank room, sipping on my water, and with a desperate desire to know what happened. I looked down at the blue/green robe with spirals all over it as if it would give me a clue. My mind was a hazy mess from the moment Chrollo carried me into the hospital until now. 

“Hey Darling,” said Chrollo as he stopped by one of the corners that lead into my room. He rested himself against the wall. “You scared me for a second. The doctors took you away and wouldn’t let me see you.”

“So you don’t know anything beyond what happened?” I asked. A tiny smirk that only reached half his face was my response. He knew something that I didn’t. They must’ve told him something .

“You didn’t tell me you were pregnant,” he said. “I wouldn't have let you down half a bottle of liquor.” I chuckled while taking another sip of my water. 

“That's why I didn’t tell you. I needed one last night of getting drunk before I had to go completely sober. Plus you would’ve known something was off if I hadn’t drank.”

Our conversation was cut short by a lanky doctor walking into the room. For his stature, he had a calm demeanor about him. His eyes were covered by thick glasses. He had a stethoscope around his neck and a clipboard firmly placed in his hand. “Ms. L/N,” he said.   
“That’s me,” I say, raising my hand. Chrollo takes a step closer to me. He was close enough to reach out a touch but not enough to make it seem like he was anything other than a friend. 

“Nice to see you’re awake. I’m Dr. Bell.” He adjusted his glasses before looking down at his notes. I couldn’t tell if he was gaining his composure or to make sure the notes in the chart were correct. My heart began to race as he looked up to me once again. “As you were aware, you were pregnant. You presented with massive bleeding that could not be controlled without medical intervention. Once you were in the operating room, we noticed that it was an ectopic pregnancy that ruptured inside your fallopian tube. We had to remove any of the damaged tissue which included part of your uterus and one of your ovaries.”

I let the news sink in slowly. My baby was never viable. It was always going to end this route even if Illumi and I stayed together. A few tears rolled down my face as I placed the cup onto the small table next to me. “What does this mean?”

The doctor takes another moment before responding. “It means that there is a greater likelihood you may never have any more children or that another pregnancy like this could occur if you try.”

His words felt like a knife stabbing my heart. I could never have any more children. “I won’t be able to have kids,” I whisper almost to myself. 

“You can still produce children. You have one healthy ovary but you are at a greater likelihood for having another pregnancy. Plus the added trauma of removing part of your uterus can decrease your odds but you may be able to still produce a child. Do you have any more questions?”

I wiped away the few tears that threaten to fall from my eyes. My breath quivers as I reach for Chrollo’s hand. I needed something to grasp onto when there seemed like nothing left. He held my hand and stroked it with his thumb. “No. That’s all.”

“If you have any more questions, Daina can help. We have a grief counselor on the premises. I will also be around if you have any questions about the surgery. I’ll be back to check on you in a few hours.” 

Chrollo sat down on my bed while my mind wandered more than it had ever done before. Having children had always seemed like a far away journey. It would've happened years down the line until I got pregnant. I didn’t even have enough time to process the idea of having a child before it was ripped from me. 

More tears fell from my eyes as Chrollo pushed me into his chest and held me. Sobs wracked my body. He held me until my sobs turned into quiet whimpers and my body still trembled. He was a soft comfort in all of this. “When did you know?” I questioned still pressed against Chrollo.

“The doctor told me while you were asleep.” His hands cupped my head and ran down my back like a father comforting their child. “I asked for updates. The nurse told me while you were being operated on about the baby. Then they told me the full story while you were asleep. I’m sorry, sweetheart”

I pulled away slightly and he dropped his hands. “What am I supposed to do now?”

“You can stay with me still.” I shook my head. I was becoming a burden to him. Chrollo was a criminal. He had to do his job. I would just get in the way of everything. 

“No,” I sigh while leaning back against the bed. A soft sigh left Chrollo. He turned to face me once again. “Chrollo, you and I both know that I have to find my own way. If I stay, then you’re going to put the Troupe on hold. They look up to you. They need you. And you said it yourself that they’re getting antsy without a new mission. Especially with what happened in the last one. I’m not fragile. I am not the same person as I was when we first met. You’ve already stayed here 2 weeks longer than you wanted. I may have to stay in this hospital longer than you know. You are also a wanted person. There are still signs posted for your capture. It won’t take too long before someone recognizes you.”

“I can deal-”

“-Chrollo, that's not the point,” I interrupt. “At some point you need to leave once again and I can’t keep coming back for comfort. I need to find my own.”

He takes a deep sigh and turns back to look at the machine taking my heartbeat and other vitals. The silence was one that felt like a distant memory. It was the same silence held between Illumi and I so many times. The silence of feeling like there was more to be said but neither one giving anything. It was like the quiet before a soft rain. It would only break with the soft beep from my heart rate. 

“Will you promise me something?” questioned Chrollo. He still didn’t turn to look at me. 

“Depends on what you’re asking me to promise you,” I respond. 

“Promise me that you’ll forgive me.”

“What’d you do?” His question caught me off guard. He hasn’t done anything unforgivable. In fact, he’s been the only shining beacon through this whole situation. 

“I called Illumi.” My heart rate spiked. The beeping became faster. 

“You what?”

“It’s his child too, darling,” he sighed before finally looking at me. “He needed to know. I also called Machi but she’s too far away to come here. Her and a few others of the Troupe were on their own mission.”

“Y-you called Illumi,” I stuttered. Even though it’s been almost a month since I’ve seen his face, I’ve thought about him every day. Most of my thoughts loomed about how terrible he was and the others were how much I craved his touch. “You called my ex.”

“I had to,” Chrollo muttered. 

“Where is he?”

“In the waiting room. He’s been here since the middle of your surgery. I didn’t tell him anything.” Chrollo picked up my hand before I pulled away. “Sweetheart, you know I had to call him.”

“What do you think it's going to do?” I ask. Anger filled my voice. “I already told you that all he ever wanted was a child. Do you want me to get rejected again? Do you want me to go through all this trauma only to open up wounds that I have been trying to heal for the past month? You should have known this was a dumb fucking idea. You shouldn’t have called him. You shouldn’t have told him where I was. You shouldn’t have allowed him into this building.”

Chrollo listened as I spouted more hate-filled anger his way. A flurry of emotions wrecked me. I knew my ex was right outside in the waiting room and I couldn’t even think about seeing his face. The raven-haired man smiled before putting his hand to my face and wiping a few tears. “You should see him. Something changed.”

“I don’t want to see him.”

“That’s your choice. If you want, I can tell him to leave. I doubt he will but I can.”

I lean into Chrollo’s touch. He wipes a few more tears. “Sweetheart,” he says. “You should talk to him. Even if this is the final time. It’ll be good for you both. I know deep within your heart that you knew the last time you left him that you were going to see him again. Now, this can be a finale. You can say goodbye for good so that both of you can have closure. I’ll be here for you.”

A few more tears leave my eyes. “I’m scared,” I whisper. 

“I know. But you’ll regret it if you don’t. Plus it would be better to hear it from you rather than hear it from me.”

I sigh before nodding my head. It was time that I face my demons before they get out of control. Last time, I was the one in charge. I think it's time that we had a conversation where we were both on equal playing fields. “I’ll go get him.”

When Chrollo left, I felt like a cold hollow of my former self. My hands shook in my lap. Maybe it was the pain medication in my system but there was a calming relief that washed over my body. I, however, was not prepared to come face-to-face with him again. My heart skipped a few beats when his eye locked on mine. His tall frame almost hit the top of the door frame. A smile came to my lips. He really did come to make sure I was alright. Even though a few minutes ago I never wanted to see Illumi again, I’m still caught in his web of falling for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only 2 more chapters to go until the story is complete! Sorry for the trauma and desperation in this one. It was really hard to write. I hope you enjoy it even though it was sad. Good thing I have the next one written and it will be out tomorrow!


	44. Starting Over

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Same as the last chapter. Child loss and infertility warning. You should be able to pick it back up in the next one.

Chrollo followed him closely behind. He took a seat at one of the far ones kept to the right of me. Illumi chose to stand. Neither of us said a single word at first. The awkward silence permeated the room and nobody wanted to break it. 

“Illumi-,” I said. My voice dropped as words failed. 

“I’m glad you’re still alive,” he responded. 

“Yeah,” I mumble. My mind wanders to the baby no longer in me. My child-no- our child. “Illumi I-.”

“I want to apologize,” he replies quickly before I can say anything else. “It’s what I should've said earlier.”

“No, Illumi. I don’t have a baby anymore. I lost our child.” Illumi’s face kept its stoic form. Except I saw the minute flicker of sadness go across his eyes. It was a flicker of pain and hurt that can only be found when losing a loved one. It was the same emotion that I felt only moments ago. We were the only two that could share the sentiment as it was our child. “There’s a good chance that I can never have kids again.”

Illumi only seemed to be processing information rather than trying to talk. He must be picturing the same thoughts that went through my own head except he had an escape. “We can separate without any ties to me.” 

“What do you mean?” he questioned as if he didn’t seem to know. 

“Illumi, you and I both know that the only reason you wanted me was for a big family. NowI can’t have any more children. That's all you’ve ever wanted. That big family so I could continue the Zoldyck legacy.”

“No.” Illumi’s voice fell on a quiet whisper. “Yes I did love the baby but I fell in love with you first.”

“-That doesn’t matter. You can leave.” While his voice became quiet, mine grew in anger. “I’m broken because of what you did to me. If I never met you or was manipulated by you then I wouldn’t have fallen in love with you and I wouldn’t have had a child ripped from me. Do you think anyone is going to love me now that I can’t have kids? I’m broken goods. You took everything from me.”

“My command wasn’t for you to fall in love with me,” interrupted Illumi. “It was for dedication. I can’t make people fall in love. I can only control basic emotions. Your dedication to coming back to me was the needles doing but love was not.”

My mind short circuited for a moment. “What do you mean?”

“That every single I love you was real. I can’t control that,” Illumi said while taking a step closer. 

“That doesn’t matter,” I retort. “You still broke me. How can I trust anything that you tell me? How can I know what you’re saying is the truth? You’ve lied and manipulated me for so long that I doubt I can ever believe you.”

“You can’t and shouldn’t. I was wrong.”

“So you left me worse than I was. You get to live a happy life. You get to move on from this. I can’t. I’m stuck with a broken body. Nobody will want me because I’m tainted.”

“You’re not tainted. Y/N, I’ve been in love with you since the moment I saw you. While it may have started from a drive to start a family, I started to get to know you. You warmed my cold heart. I grew to love everything about you. While I loved our child, I love you. You’re my first true relationship where all I knew was manipulation and control. I thought if I were to give you up or give you any freedom then you’d never return. Yet you did. You returned again and again. You were the first person in my life to say you loved me. And I will continue to love you even though we may never have children. You’re worth more to me than anyone else. I have a lot to do to make it up to you. I may never make it up to you. But you are the shining moment of my life.”

Illumi’s monologue spun through my mind. He was always a man of little words. In fact, this was the most I’ve heard him talk through our whole relationship. His words hit the same as the letter he wrote to me. They had the same honey that made me want to say yes to his proposal. The same vibrancy that made me fall for him more and more each day that he was gone. The same happiness that made me want to have a family with him. 

“Illumi-” I start.

“You don’t have to forgive me,” he interjects. “I understand.”

“Illumi,” I repeat. “So what you’re saying is that I still fell in love with you without manipulation. You didn’t force me to love you?”

He paused before shaking his head. “No. I didn’t believe in love until I met you.”

“You know what you did was wrong,” I muttered while turning my attention to Chrollo. He’s presence was greatly needed before but now I wanted some time alone with Illumi to discuss things further. After all, this must be hard for him to hear. 

Chrollo took my look as his option to leave. “I’ll still be outside the door. Call my name if needed.” As Chrollo passed Illumi, he whispered something to him. I could tell it was some sort of threat because I couldn’t hear and Chrollo’s face became a deadly force. Once he was outside, Illumi pulled the seat that held the leader next to my bed and sat down. 

“Did you sleep with him?” questioned Illumi. His voice wasn’t filled with judgement. Instead, I could hear an air of hurt deep within his words. 

“No. I still was stuck on you. He’s like an older brother to me.”

“Did you want to?”

“Yes. To try and get over you.”

“Do you still want to move on?”

“I never wanted to move on,” I sigh before taking his hand in mine. The gesture was soft. Illumi’s hands were cold to the touch. “My heart still breaks for what you did. I didn’t know if I could even look at you, let alone fall for you again. My heart hurts with everything that has happened.”

A few tears ran down my cheeks. Illumi pulled one of his hands away to brush away the tears. “I know.”

“I don’t know how to mend this,” I mumble. “Or if it can be mended.”

“You take as much time as you need,” he mutters. “I can wait. Or you can tell me to leave and you’ll never see me again.”

“What happened to you?” I questioned. He seemed so much different from the last time I saw him. Something must’ve broken deep within the recesses of his mind. A memory or feeling that had been bottled away and placed so high up that even he couldn’t reach it. 

“I realized that I couldn’t live without you,” he said. “I can’t live without your beautiful face in the morning as you kiss me. Or your fiery spirit as you fight back. I can’t live without your voice lulling me to sleep. Or your curiosity to know more. You’re the only person that has made me feel like a human. You treat me not like the monster I am but as a person. I am so deeply in love with you that I doubt anything will change my mind.”

Tears continued to flow. “I still thought about you every day. All I wanted was for you to be proud of me.”

“I am. There’s nothing that can change that.”

“Illumi, you do still love me even though I lost our baby.”

Illumi paused for a moment before kissing my knuckles. “I love you even more for how strong you’ve been. You were planning on taking care of the baby alone. You went through this alone. I didn’t think I could love you any more than I did, but now, I know I do.”

I nod my head and place my forehead against his. “Prove it.”

“How?”

“Let’s restart. You’ve never officially taken me on a date. Show me how much you love me. Prove to me that you will continue to pursue me even when times get tough. We take it slow. No talk of marriage or children. We don’t live together until we agree on both sides. No more secretes. You have to trust me and I have to trust you. Our relationship should be a partnership not a one-sided lust. Lastly, you have to tell me things. Break out of your family’s forceful shell and admit what you want. You can’t continue to live in your father’s shadow anymore.”

Ilummi nodded his head against mine. I could feel the soft breath against my skin. A small chuckle escaped my lips. “You’re not forgiven yet. Not by a long shot but I am glad you came for me.”

“Anything for you, my love,” he said back. “I’ll have to wait until you leave the hospital before I will take you up on that offer.” He places a soft kiss to my forehead before pulling away. “Now how about you tell me how it was meeting my brother. He still has yet to respond to any of my calls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only one more chapter! We're almost done you guys! You've made it this far and through all this heartbreak. I hope everyone is taking care of themselves. If you would like a say in my next story, please visit my Tumblr so that you can vote on what to do next!! Also, thank you for the kudos and comments. They mean so much.


	45. I Love You

The sound of city traffic felt nostalgic. I awoke in my own bedroom filled with trinkets from a life that seemed a thousand years ago. I curled into the covers of the bed. When I first bought the bed, it felt so small. Now, it seems so big when there’s not someone to share the length. I could tell the weather was changing as the cold air permeated the room. I shivered while reaching for my phone on my nightstand. Three messages were on the screen. All of them from Illumi. A smile crossed my face as I read them. Today was our official first date. 

The first message said “I can’t wait to see you today, beautiful.”

The next said “Don’t forget to meet me at 3:30.”

The last said “I have a lot planned. But dress warmly. I don’t want you to get a cold.”

I ruffled a hand through my hair as I looked through my closet. While I had a lot of time, it was going to take me a while to get ready. Illumi refused to tell me anything beyond those messages. It had been a few weeks since I saw him last. He stayed with me in the hospital until I was released. Even at night, he’d sneak in after visiting hours were done. He’d sit in the chair right by my bed and we talked for hours. Those few days were the closest I’d ever felt towards him. It was like he was a book filled with hieroglyphics and I finally got the cipher. While we were broken up, something changed deep within him. I couldn’t put my finger on it but I could feel a change. Illumi was not the same person who put me in those chains so long ago. 

Illumi would tell me about his past and what it was like to be an assassin. I would tell him about my family and my old job. Weirdly enough, I would see his eyes shine whenever he’d listen to me. I knew that reliving the past was difficult for him. He would sometimes get quiet and I knew that whatever we were discussing was a topic for another day. 

I found myself loving the sound of his calming voice. When I couldn’t sleep, Illumi would read from his journal of the month long trip or he’d tell a story about his family. I would never admit it but I would stay up longer than he knew so that I could continue listening to him even after he thought I fell asleep. 

Once out of the hospital and still a tiny bit high on pain meds, we were going to have our first date the next day; however, Illumi received a call from his father. Since he was still in the family business, he had to go. We’ve been long distance ever since. Today was the first day that he’s had off in about a month. 

While Illumi was doing his day job, I tried to get back my old one. My company laughed me out of the room. I paid no mind and went out for more interviews. It was hard to explain a year long blank in my resume to my employers but I was able to get a job in a relative field for somewhat less pay. It was enough to be completely sustainable without Illumi’s money, even though he offered to pay for all my expenses many times over. 

I pulled out my favorite outfit from the closet. It was the one I felt most confident in while still looking beautiful. I knew that Illumi would love it after not seeing me for so long. The alarm I had set to leave on time rang so I quickly grabbed my jacket, keys, and phone before running down the stairs. 

My heart beat faster with every step it took to go down. My phone buzzed but I didn’t have to check it. I knew it was Illumi saying that he was in front of my building. The moment we locked eyes, all the longing and heartache from distance disappeared. He was dressed in a white fluffy sweater, long black pants, a sturdy, chiche black coat and a matching coker around his neck. A look I hadn’t seen from him; yet, it fit extremely well. He had always been stylish but this was different. He actually tried to look good. 

Illumi was looking down at his phone so I called out his name. He looked up in enough time for me to wrap my arms tightly around his strong frame. My hands tangled in his long hair by accident. He reciprocated the hug by wrapping his arms around my waist. In the frigid air, Illumi felt like a beacon of warmth. I appreciated the act of physical touch because he was still learning that touching was okay. 

He was the one to pull away first and I followed suit. I looked up on to his tall frame to see a tiny smile plastered on his lips. “You look beautiful, Y/N,” he says. 

“You look good yourself,” I smile back. “Where will you be taking me?”

“It’s a surprise,” Illumi said while starting the journey towards our first location. I joined him and placed my hand in his. “I’ll tell you when we’re about to arrive.” We walked together in quiet conversations. Nothing too important beyond him asking about my new job and I asking about his. Illumi had become very good about covering any details that might be too grotesque for myself or others to hear but not enough that it was an uneventful conversation. 

As we walked the streets, everything felt normal, or at least a normal that I hadn’t felt in a long time. Leaves fell from trees stuck in concrete. Blowing wind would sometimes whip Illumi’s hair into his or my face. It gave us a chuckle as he tried to smooth out the strands before the wind would take it again. 

Finally, he had arrived. He took me to the edge of a park maintained by the city. “The park?” I questioned.

“This is a first date. I thought a picnic in the central park would be lovely today.” Illumi walked me to a small hill where there was a blanket spread out. A small picnic basket lay at one corner and a few weights at the others so that the blanket wouldn’t fly away. 

“How did you keep this here without anyone to take it?” I asked as he motioned for me to take a seat. I do and Illumi follows me. The blanket seemed a little small for his large legs. 

He turned his head to look in the direction behind me. I looked too only to see Kalluto giving Illumi a small nod. “I promised him that I would take good care of you in exchange for making sure nobody took my spot.”

“Kalluto did say that he wanted another sister,” I chuckle. Illumi reached for the picnic basket only to pull out two glasses and a bottle of champagne. “I see you must’ve gotten someone else’s help too.” I distinctly remembered Machi asking me about my favorite champagne a few weeks back. She played it off as a getting well present that the Troupe was going to send me once I was off my medication. I should’ve known better when I was cleared a week ago and she hadn’t brought it over when she had come to see me. 

Illumi pulled out the wine cork and poured us each a glass. “I had to make a good first impression to make up for any lost time. And terrible mistakes.” He handed me my glass and I took a sip. It was absolutely divine. While it wasn’t the one I had specifically said, it seemed to be a more expensive version of the same type.

“You’re doing a great job so far,” I say. I go to reach for what else could be in the basket but Illumi pulls it away. “Not yet. Be patient,” he says. I roll my eyes as he places the basket down on the other side of him. 

“I can still reach it,” I say.

“I know. But let me treat you today. You shouldn’t have to do any work.”

“A little archaic, don’t you think?” My comment must’ve plagued his confidence as he went to reach for the basket. “You’re fine, Illumi.” I took another sip of my drink before moving myself to sit where the basket was before, right next to him. 

Illumi looks down to me as I look up to him. A hint of red appears on his cheeks before he goes back to the basket. “I did ask your friend about what you wanted to eat. I was thinking roasted duck but Machi said that was too formal; so I bought sandwiches from the deli down the road. She said they were your favorite.” 

He pulls out two saran wrapped sandwiches and hands one to me. “You mean Chris’ Deli?” I ask while opening the packaging. 

“Yes that is the one,” he says while unwrapping his own. “Did know what to order for myself as that is normally what the butler’s do for me. So I got the same as yours.”

“You’re going to love it!” I say while taking a bite. Truly, it tasted like heaven. Machi knew me well enough to know how much I enjoyed these sandwiches. “They’re the best in all York New. I always tried to get Machi or anyone to join me to get them in the city. You’re the first to actually take me up on that offer.”

A smile crossed Illumi’s face as he took a bite from his own. I waited in bated anticipation for his response. It took him a few more bites to decide if he liked it or not. “It’s pretty decent.”

“I’ll accept that as praise from someone who grew up rich,” I say while taking a few more bites of my own. Soon, I had finished my sandwich. “You really did think of this full date to be about me. I know you’d never eat at a park if you got to choose the date.”

“I wanted to see you outside,” Illumi said before taking another bite. “You never got a chance to be in nature when I knew you. I find nature comforting. I had always pictured bringing my significant other to a garden on our first date. Since gardens are hard to find in York New, this was the closest thing I could find.”

“I never knew you liked gardens,” I said while putting the trash into the basket. 

Illumi finished his food and took a sip of the champagne before responding. “Yes. I would always walk outside when I was younger. Now I try to find a garden in any city I go to. It’s been a ritual. It keeps me grounded to the world.”

When Illumi looked back at me, I could feel my face flush once again. I finish up my drink. Illumi goes to pour me more but I stop him. “I shouldn’t over do it. It tastes lovely and I’ll have more later.” I place my glass down and lie back onto the blanket. 

Illumi tilts his head in confusion. “What are you looking at?”

“The clouds. Care to join me?” I pat the space next to me. The raven-haired man seemed confused at first before following my instruction. He took great care of his hair before lying down beside me. Our arms touched as I pointed out each cloud. It took awhile before Illumi understood the game. Sometimes it felt like teaching a child new ways to entertain themselves. 

We laid like that for a long time. We stayed staring at the sky ahead of us. We would catch each other’s eyes at some points as we would stop to look at each other. More times than not, I would catch him looking at me rather than the sky. 

“That cloud looks beautiful,” I would comment. Illumi would respond “yes” only for me to turn and see he was looking at me the whole time. 

“You’re supposed to look at the sky,” I would joke. 

“I’d much rather look at my world,” he said. My heart would melt at every compliment that passed through his lips. The sky started to turn a few more colors before we finally decided to sit up. The breeze caught me and I shivered. Illumi took off his jacket and offered it to me. 

“I can’t accept that,” I said.

“I can withstand the cold,” he said before putting it over my shoulders. I inched closer to him and put my head on his chest while his arm wrapped tightly around me. 

“Do you have anything else planned?”

“I do,” he responds. “But it’s not time for it yet. It needs to get a little bit darker before we can go.” We lock eyes once again. This time felt different. There was an unspoken truth as we both leaned in to kiss each other. Our lips met and it felt like everything fell into place. 

The kiss was sweet and short. We were testing the waters before jumping in fully. “I missed doing that,” he whispered before moving the hair out of my face and following the first kiss up with another. Then another. And another. 

We both must’ve tasted like alcohol because each touch of our lips felt more intoxicating than the next. We only stopped when we could hear some children commenting on the two adults making out. I chuckled while pulling away. “I missed it too. Except this feels more genuine,” I mutter before giving him one last kiss. 

The sun was in the middle of setting as we packed up the rest of our basket. “Where are we going now?” I questioned as Illumi helped me up. He picked up the basket while holding onto my hand tightly. 

“I have to drop off the basket first but it won’t be long.” We walked through the rest of the park. Kalluto was waiting by the exit to take the basket.

“Don’t tell me that he has been waiting this entire time,” I comment. 

“No. My brother texted me about twenty minutes ago.” Kalluto was always quick to the point. He disappeared as quickly as he appeared. 

Our next destination seemed a bit more obscure. It was completely dark as Illumi took me to a place that seemed to be a plain boardwalk. There were a few lights that lit up this strip of wood. A speaker played soft piano music. A few couples were dancing together while holding each other like the world would collapse if they let go. 

“You brought me to dance?” I questioned. Illumi took me onto the platform. Hanging lights twinkled in the night. The stars seemed to become brighter when we walked onto this stage. 

“Yes. Is that alright?” he asked before pulling me in to dance like the other couples. My head went to his chest as he wrapped himself tightly around my waist and my arms around his neck. 

“It’s perfect,” I mumble. I could feel his heart beating to the music. When we would accidentally lock eyes, I would hear the beat increase rapidly. Illumi could keep a calm face on the outside but his heart didn’t lie. He was terrified just like myself. 

We swayed back and forth to the music. Neither of us were exceedingly excellent at it but it didn’t matter. As long as I was wrapped tightly in Illumi’s arms, everything was going to be alright. Illumi held me as if I would disappear if he let me go. 

Illumi whispered sweet nothings into my ear as he danced around the stage. They were all about how beautiful, kind, and sweet I was. How glad he was to have me back. How much he couldn’t lose me. How he would spend the rest of his life trying to make up for the terror he’s done to me. 

After many, many compliments, I decided to stop him. I pulled away a bit to look up at him. “Illumi, do you really love me?”

“Yes. With everything I have. I have never felt such a strong pull as yours. From the moment I laid eyes on you, I knew you were special to me. I wish you could’ve figured it out in your own time.”

A smile crossed my face as I kissed him. “I wish you would’ve gone up to me at the bar. If we could’ve not done mind games for a full year and had this, then I would’ve fell for you so much faster.”

“I wasn’t ready then. I needed someone to teach me that I was wrong. I needed you before all this.”

“I do wish I never went on this whole journey with you. It would’ve saved me money on therapy appointments.” Illumi looked away from me to some other place in the sky. “However, I am glad for the journey. I doubt I would have picked you but I was also superficial. I found you. You hunted me down but I had to break you.”

“You’re my everything,” he muttered before kissing me once again, a soft sensual kiss that told the emotions deep within his broken heart. “I love you.” He places his forehead on mine as the final notes of the song finished. 

“I guess they’re kicking us out,” I said while looking at how most of the couples were long gone. “I lost track of time.”

“It’s okay,” he said while pulling away. “Let me walk you to your apartment.” 

The walk back was much quieter than the walk to the park. We stayed in our love-filled bubble as both of us talked without speaking. Illumi would rub my hand while we were walking and I did it to him too. It was our secret messages back and forth. 

Sooner than I wanted, we got back to my apartment. I turned to face Illumi. Since this was his only day off for awhile, I didn’t know the next time I would see him. I gave him back his jacket. Before putting it back on, he placed his hand on my cheek and leaned down to kiss me. “Goodnight, Y/N.”

“This was an amazing date,” I said before returning the kiss. “Good night to you too, Illumi.” He watched as I walked up the few stairs to my door. I opened the door and looked back at him. I stepped into the entryway before turning around and opening the door back up. “Illumi,” I called. He had already started to walk away. “How about you come stay the night? I wouldn’t want you to stay at a hotel.”

Illumi, at first, shook his head. “I need to get back. I have an early flight tomorrow.”

I walk down the stairs until I am face to face with him again. “I don’t think you understand,” I whisper. “Come upstairs with me.”

The blush from earlier returns to his cheeks. “No. I don’t think-”

“Illumi,” I say a little more forcefully. “You can come to my apartment. It’s okay. I’m telling you it's okay. If you don’t want to do anything then all I want is for you to hold me all night.”

“Then I’ll join you,” he said, finally agreeing. Usually the stairs feel forever long if I was coming home this late at night. This time, they felt so quick. I open up my apartment and pull Illumi inside before locking it. 

My lips found his, instantly. These kisses felt much different than the ones we shared throughout the rest of the night. These felt more fiery and force like the feeling before a tidal wave. His arms grabbed my waist and picked me up. To balance, mine wrapped tightly around his neck. 

“Are you sure about this?” Illumi questioned while kissing down my neck. The softness of his lips mixed with his hot breath sent a shiver down my back. 

“Yes,” I mutter before pulling his lips back to my own. Our tongues danced against each other better than we ever did. 

Illumi carried me to the bedroom without breaking stride. We did run into the door frame once which we laughed off before continuing our search of each other. Illumi placed me down on the bed before saying “you can say stop at any time.”

“I would’ve said it already if I didn’t want it tonight,” I muttered before climbing back further onto the bed. I was the first person to undress the other one. I took off the sweater that looked so nice on him. What was underneath was much better. My hands traveled up and down his abs as Illumi found my neck once again. 

“The doctor gave you the okay, right?” he asked. I chuckled before finding my own spot to suck on and bite; his ear. A soft groan fell from his lips. “Yes,” I whispered while continuing to attack his ear and then his neck. 

Illumi’s breath became heavier and hushier as he started to remove my clothes. I could sense his nervousness as his hands shook from the buttons. I placed my hand on his face before kissing him softly. “It’s okay. Do you want to stop?”

He looked up from undoing my top. “No. Never.” Illumi still seemed shaky so I helped him take off some of my clothes. Once I was just in my underwear, Illumi went to hover his hand over the spot where my surgery was done. There was still gauze that covered the wound even though it didn’t hurt anymore. “I-I’m sorry,” he whimpered.

I take his hand and move it away. “You’re alright. I’m alright, Everything’s alright.” I kiss him softly yet passionately. A smile crossed both of our faces. “Wait, let me light a candle.” I use some of my Nen to set a small flame in my hand then name it fly to a candle I have on the dresser. 

Illumi shook his head before going back to undressing and kissing me. “You’re trying to show off,” he muttered. 

“Yes,” I said while trying to reach his pants. I managed to get the belt off but had to have Illumi help me get the rest of the way. Soon, we were both naked. My hand still rubbed up and down his bare chest. He explored my chest and neck with his lips. 

A single finger traced up from my legs to my pussy. It danced over the slit before sliding all the way in. A small groan fell from my lips as he pumped his long finger inside of me. He was slow at first while kissing his way down every inch of my body. Illumi was slow and where his lips touched felt cold when he was gone. 

Illumi’s tongue reached out to lick a strip across my clit. My body reacted by leaning into his touch. “Shit, Illumi,” I groan as he continues his pursuit. His tongue spelling random words while his fingers pick up speed. My hands dig into his hair while coaxing him to continue. 

An orgasm on the brink. Every nerve in my body cried out for more. “Lumi,” I cry inbetween thick breaths and whining. His response was to speed up his attack and I fell over. My body shook with pleasure coursing through my nerves. His name is only on my tongue. 

I look back at him once the tremors stop to see that he is licking some of my juice off of his fingers. “You must’ve enjoyed that,” he says. My breath had yet to catch up so I only nodded. “I’m going to try and go slow but I can’t keep any promises.”

His words were followed by him kissing me once again. The soft kisses only found in the one you love. I could taste myself on his tongue.Illumi didn’t break the kiss as he lined up. His member was so stiff and aching that he grunted when entering me. 

“I forgot how good you feel,” he mumbled against my lips. He went slow. Agonisingly slow for my taste. 

“Faster,” I groan while gripping onto his back. “Please Lumi.”

Illumi chuckled while moving a little faster. “I also forgot how whiny you get when you don’t get your way.”

I was going to respond in annoyance when Illumi suddenly picked up speed and depth. He was fast and accurate at hitting every spot needed to start chasing my orgasm once again. Praises and curses flooded by lips. 

Soon I could feel the build up once again. “D-don’t stop,” I moan out. 

“Didn’t plan on it, baby,” he grunted while continuing the same speed. My body reached first by falling over. Soon, Illumi’s did too. His orgasm caught him off guard because he bit my shoulder to stifle a moan. 

All that was left was our heavy breathing as we finally took into consideration what happened. Illumi’s eyes locked onto mine before he kissed my swollen lips. “I love you.” he muttered.

“I love you too,” I said back before kissing him again. I finally felt like I knew where we both belonged: with each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We finally made it! The story is technically over. I do have an epilogue coming out soon. I seriously can't thank you guys enough for the support and kindness with this story. I thought this should end on a little but of smut mixed with a lot of fluff. I hope you all have enjoyed the journey just like me.
> 
> If someone told me at the beginning of May that I would have written a book with over 200 pages and 45 chapters by October, I would have laughed in their faces. This is about as big as To Kill A Mockingbird. This book was what showed me that I could still be a writer in a time when I didn't think anyone would want to read anything I wrote. I'll continue to write for HunterxHunter so don't give up on me yet. I'm debating on what to make next. Check out my tumblr to official get all the news. I may have a poll up after I write a few one-shots to get style of how I write each character. I can't wait to share with you all what I have next.


	46. Epilogue

The sun shone brightly in the pale, blue sky. A summer’s heat had taken over the previous cool days. I sat silently in the rocking chair while a book was placed precariously on my lap. The day off of work had given Illumi and I a nice break from the hectic business of life. 

The wooden door creaked and slammed shut as the raven-haired man sat down in the chair next to me. He handed me a glass of water before taking a sip of his own. “Hello, darling,” I say; “Thank you.”

Rather than responding, he only smiled and brushed away a few strands of hair that fell into his face. His eyes were still the same as a full moon. As the refreshing water touched my lips, Illumi reached out for the book. I handed it to him before going back to my drink. 

“Gon texted me earlier,” I state while placing down the drink on a side table. “Killua and Alluka seem to be doing alright. It was vague but nice of him to keep in touch.”

“As long as they’re safe,” commented Illumi. “It would be nice if Killua would text me.”

“You know that’s not going to happen.” While my comment may have seemed spiteful, Illumi had grown within the past two years. It took a lot of dedication for the former assassin to stop actively trying to find his brother. It took more time for him to let go. 

Illumi’s hand instinctively wrapped itself tight around my own. This had become our subtle way of him stating that he remembered something he doesn't want to tell me. Usually the thoughts were of childhood trauma along with adult regret. We’d come up with this calling card due to his past trauma. While I wouldn't say it was nice, it was a way for Illumi to know that someone is there that will continue holding his hand. 

“I love you,” I mutter while taking his pale hand to my lips. “You know your brother will be fine. He’s an adult now just like you and I.”

“You think I consider you an adult?” he jokes. Illumi’s humor has arisen more from the past year. He’s taken a liking towards sarcasm as a coping mechanism for the real thoughts in his head. It took awhile before we were used to his use of coping. He had many missteps and awkward word choice in the year it took for sarcasm to finally, correctly fall from his lips. 

My lip sticks out while I look towards my significant other. A pout that was only meant as a banter between us. “Now that was slightly mean.”

“I mean it in jest, darling,” he sighs before moving his hand down to play with my ring. His hands seemed to be attached to mine in our quiet moments. Illumi would use any excuse to hold a part of me. A while back, he said it grounded him to reality. I, of course, obliged. “You know our anniversary will be here soon. We should celebrate.”

“You think I haven’t planned for it?” I ask. “It won’t be as special as our first one but we’ll still have a great time.”

Illumi’s hand dropped from my own. He picked up the book from my lap and started reading. It was some generic love story that had too much angst and not enough sexy scenes to actually enjoy it. Some sorta of love triangle between the generic girl, her supervisor, and her best friend. Mind numbing garble if I do say so myself; however, it was something to read. 

I was almost done with it while Illumi had about half the book to go. We like to read the same book so that we can always discuss it with the other. Sometimes Illumi was ahead and sometimes I was. I was at the part of the wedding between one of the love interests. It brought back thoughts of Illumi and I’s marriage only two years ago.

It was a small ceremony in a garden near York New. We say small because at that point, most of our friends had either perished or were wanted criminals. Family was a different story. Illumi invited all of his family except for his father. His mother refused to go out of spite. Milluki couldn’t believe that his beautiful girlfriend was marrying the, as he would say ‘worst of the Zoldyck family.’ Kalluto and Killua did attend. Kalluto out of kindness for both parties, and Killua did because Gon told him to. 

If it wasn’t for the friendship forged with Gon during the time on Whale Island, Killua wouldn’t have attended. The pair didn’t stay for long. They stood in the back while the ceremony took place. Illumi wanted Killua to stand at his side but he knew that wasn’t going to happen. He was lucky that Killua even showed up. 

I still remember the look in his eyes as he saw his long, lost brother. His grip tightened on my hands as if to say ‘there could be a chance to mend our relationship.’My smile matched his as I squeezed his hand back. 

As much as I knew Illumi wanted to go and try and convince his brother, his hands still never left mine. The slight glances at the edge of the door were kept to a minimal amount. He was showing off his beautiful bride. The bride that chose him and a life to share. 

Other wedding guests included what was left of the troupe, a few of my family members, and flowers left for those who had gone before us. Machi was my Maid-of-honor only in title. We didn’t want to go through finding dresses and multiple other people in our lives. Also, it would’ve left Illumi feeling alone as his friend passed a while ago. Instead, Illumi, I, and the officiant were the only ones standing at the front. 

Everything about the day was basic but filled with as much love as could be packed into a place. Illumi was glowing with excitement of a day he wished so long to come. I mirrored him because his energy was radiating. The same energy continued through the rest of the day and into the excitement of the night. 

The whole wedding became a distant memory in the coming years. We’d grown as a married couple more than we ever did dating. So many nights were spent in quiet submission where neither of us wanted to back down from the argument. Other nights were filled with angry, lust-fueled sex. 

Illumi changed jobs well before we were married or even engaged. After he told his father, Illumi was disowned from the family wealth and name. We worked through the endless nights of blank tears that would come without my love realizing it. The quiet sobs always turned into a confusing mess of past trauma. 

I became proud of his growth as he worked through emotions that were bottled up for years. Memories that had left deep scars flooded from his lips like a river that was finally unplugged. I, truly, fell in love with the moments we spent on the floor in each other's arms more than any date. I started to understand him and vice versa. 

Our growth happened in the mists of trauma. I started writing a book to help with what happened to me. It was nice to get everything out on paper so that I could gather my own thoughts. 

Illumi’s hand coming back to my own brought me out of my trip down memory lane. “You do still love me?” asked the former assassin.

“Yes, Illumi. I love you more than words can describe.” A smile crossed his face before standing out of his chair. His large frame leans over and kisses me. 

“I love you too darling.” Our lips meet again with more of a desperate pleading. “How about you come inside and I’ll show you how much I love you.” The words fell from his lips onto mine. I was the first to pull away. 

“I would love that.” His forehead rests on mine before he takes a deep, calm breath. His eyes closed in a pure bliss only found in the most gentle happiness. His hand wraps around my own. Illumi pulls me up out of my chair and into the house that we finally made together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it. The last official chapter of this book. Thank you all for going on this journey with me. If you want to keep up with my writing, you can always follow me on here. I am, also, on Tumbler at https://www.tumblr.com/blog/write-like-you-mean-it. Thank you for the constant support and love through these months. I hope you enjoyed this story as much as I did writing it. 
> 
> I have a few more things posted as one-shots. I'll continue to update my other stories as time goes on. I'm distraught that my passion project ended, but I'm ready for new things. I hope this ending satisfied all of you!!


End file.
